by Lucy Clark
‘She didn’t. She was pregnant with twins.’ Twins she didn’t want, he added silently. ‘And the heat wasn’t good for her.’
‘Hence ending up with pre-eclampsia.’
‘Dr Turner and I were monitoring her closely, making sure she was all right, and she was. She was doing great and then just like that…’ He snapped his fingers ‘…things went bad. Pre-eclampsia turned into eclampsia and even though I delivered the twins, even though I did everything I could, I couldn’t save her.’ He shook his head. Shame, mortification and guilt—his close associates these past three years—swamped him again. ‘As a result of my failure to save my wife, every time I stand next to an operating table all I can see is her limp, lifeless body, lying there.’ He kept his back to Abbey, his words vehement and laced with pain.
‘No wonder you went so pale.’
He snorted with derision. ‘Today. Today is the anniversary of Miriam’s death and she’s still making me feel guilty for what happened.’
‘Or perhaps you don’t feel as though you have a right to be happy?’ she tried. ‘You didn’t kill Miriam.’
‘I didn’t save her either.’ He hadn’t spoken about Miriam to anyone in a very long time. ‘I keep thinking, if only I’d realised sooner what was going to happen. If only I’d sent her back to Adelaide where she would have had trained staff and equipment to help her.’
‘You can’t play the “what if” game. Do you know what I’ve discovered, Joshua? It never ends the way you want it to. You can play one scenario after another over and over in your mind but it doesn’t work. You know, uh…what if we hadn’t taken that particular flight, or what if we’d left on a different day, or what if I’d recognised the symptoms earlier? Everyone does it.’ Abbey shook her head sadly. ‘Reality always comes back to bite you.’
He glanced over at her for a moment and realised that she understood. Their worlds had been blown apart, for completely different reasons but, still, blown right apart. ‘After three years, Abbey, I still feel as though I’m floundering in a sea of confusion, still trying to pick up the pieces of my past life and fit them back together.’
‘Only it doesn’t work any more, does it?’ She nodded. ‘The pieces that used to slot in perfectly together don’t fit any more.’
‘Yes.’ He turned to look at her.
‘That’s because they’re not the pieces of your new life.’ She looked away from him as she spoke, still feeling vulnerable from her previous outburst of tears. ‘I can never physically carry a child within me. That is an absolute fact. Nothing in this world is going to change that.’
‘There are other ways for you to be a mother, though,’ he pointed out.
‘Exactly. The pieces of my life have been changed. Your wife died. That’s an absolute fact but you have two gorgeous children who adore you and a town that has accepted you.’
‘My pieces have changed.’ He said the words softly and nodded. ‘Now, that makes perfect sense to me.’
‘Good.’
‘I think you always aced me in psych,’ he said, and Abbey couldn’t help but smile. ‘There’s no way I would have admitted it back then but I don’t think I would have scored as well as I did if we hadn’t had that rivalry in place.’
‘Agreed. We fed off each other, both determined, both wanting to be the best.’
‘Both equally pig-headed.’
Abbey laughed and leaned further back into the rocking chair. ‘Those were the days.’
‘Why do they seem so simple now?’ He smiled, stretching his arms above his head, working out the kinks in his muscles. Abbey’s eyes almost bugged out of her head as his jeans dipped a little and his untucked shirt rose. Although he’d been walking around before with no shirt on at all, the small glimpse she now had of his lower abdomen brought back all the feelings she had just managed to get under some level of control.
He angled his head from side to side, carefully stretching his neck, and then raked his fingers through his hair, giving it a little massage. Abbey licked her lips and slowly exhaled the breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding.
The man was completely gorgeous. How could any woman not be affected by him? How could she not be affected by him? By the way his blue come-hither eyes made her feel, by the way his rich voice washed over her and reduced her body to a mass of tingles? Thank goodness he’d closed his eyes when he’d started stretching because she was having one heck of a difficult time looking away.
Never had a man made her feel so conscious of her femininity as Joshua Ackles did. That was the way it had always been but now, all these years later with all of their training and mistakes behind them, there was definitely something brewing between them. Abbey wasn’t sure what it was or what she was supposed to do about it, but she’d discovered so much about him—about the real him—and she felt privileged that he’d opened up to her.
Perhaps that was why she’d felt comfortable sharing her own tragedy with him. She knew he wouldn’t tell anyone, that she could trust him with her deepest secrets, but even now as she forced herself to look away, to make sure he didn’t catch her ogling his sublime body, she also recognised that she’d opened up to him because she felt comfortable talking to him. Whatever had existed between them all those years ago, that spark of desire, that spark of trust, that spark of repressed need…it was still there and it was growing with each passing second they spent in each other’s company.
When he looked at her again, she hoped the slight tinge of pink on her cheeks wasn’t as noticeable as it felt because from her standpoint she was burning up with embarrassment at her uncontrollable reaction to him.
‘Well…uh…I’d better go,’ he said.
‘Ah, yes. The list of things still to be done.’
‘Thanks for the tea.’ He hadn’t moved, was still leaning against her rail, not too far from where she sat. Abbey curled her legs beneath her, trying to keep herself in check given that the urge to stand, to step forward and throw herself into his arms was becoming rather difficult to resist.
‘My pleasure.’
Joshua stood there, arms folded over his chest as he watched her in the rocking chair. She’d tucked her legs up beneath her, as though to protect herself. Her eyes were telling him to come closer, to take this strange awareness they had of each other to the next level, but her body language was telling him a different story.
His own body was still warm from the visual caress she’d given him. He’d stretched, his muscles tired and aching, and when he’d opened his eyes, looking at her through hooded lashes, he’d realised she was checking him out. Joshua had been unable to stop the spread of typical male pride at the realisation that a stunningly beautiful and highly intelligent woman, such as Abbey Bateman, found him attractive.
It was almost like the perfect beginning to an otherwise draining day. ‘Thanks, Abbey.’
‘For?’ She couldn’t take her eyes off him. She wanted him to step forward to take her in his arms, to press his mouth to hers, to soothe the burning sensation still thrumming through her after she’d watched him stretch.
‘For, uh…getting me to talk. I didn’t like it but…I think I needed it.’
She nodded slowly, her breathing becoming more difficult to control every moment he stayed where he was. He’d said he was going to go, but the longer he didn’t move, the harder it was for her to stay where she was. ‘Me too. Thanks for listening and also for not hugging me when I started crying. If you had, I would still be here weeping in your arms and no doubt soaking your shirt.’
‘I doubt any man would complain about a soaked shirt if he was holding a gorgeous woman in his arms.’ His tone was deep, vibrating through her. ‘I can think of worse ways to spend my time.’
Abbey’s throat went dry again. Had Joshua just called her gorgeous? The tingles, the blush, the flutterings. They all started up again and she knew he had to go sooner rather than later. Joshua Ackles was starting to become too tempting and she hadn’t come here to be tempted
. And she was sure he was flirting with her.
‘Oh?’ She licked her lips, unable to look away from him.
‘Abbey,’ he groaned as though he was in pain. ‘Don’t look at me like that.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like you want me to scoop you up and carry you inside.’
She gasped at his words, astounded he could read her so easily. ‘Inside?’ She shook her head. ‘No. You and me, inside the house. Alone. No. We can’t.’ Her eyes were wide, filled with a mixture of curiosity and logic.
‘Then stop looking at me like that.’ He rolled his eyes, mad at himself for not being able to control his desire for her and mad at her for looking so adorable that he desired her in the first place. ‘I don’t understand why it’s so difficult this time around.’
‘What’s difficult? What do you mean?’ Abbey stopped rocking and put her feet on the decking.
‘You.’
‘I’m difficult? I’m not the one who’s being difficult, Joshua.’
‘No. You’re being wonderful and adorable and all sexy sitting there in the rocking chair, tucking your feet beneath you and just…looking…’ He stopped and closed his eyes. ‘I used to be able to control the way you made me feel. Back in medical school, you used to look at me with those big brown eyes of yours and I’d end up being a slobbering mess, unable to remember what my name was. That’s why I couldn’t work with you when we were thrust together as lab partners. That was why I used to annoy you so much, because I couldn’t handle the way you used to make me feel. I nearly flunked my last exam because just before we went in, you came up to me and batted your eyelashes at me and said in your most facetious tone, “Good luck, Joshua. You’re going to need it.”’
‘That’s hardly fair. You can’t go blaming me for you nearly flunking an exam.’
‘You knew back then that you could rile me.’
‘Just as you used to rile me.’ She stood and crossed her arms over her chest. ‘You used to unnerve me just as much back then as you do now, Joshua Ackles, so don’t go blaming me because you’re unable to control this frightening natural chemistry that seems to exist between us.’
He stepped forward. ‘I didn’t ask for it. Not back then. Not now.’
Abbey stepped forward too, bringing them toe to toe, her hands now dropping to her sides as she clenched them into fists, still astounded that the man could make her so mad. ‘Neither. Did. I.’
They were close now. So close she could feel his breath on her face. Their scents mixed and mingled, drawing them closer.
‘Argh. You are the most frustrating woman I’ve ever met!’ His gaze dipped down to her mouth then back to her eyes again as he worked hard at controlling himself. Only Abbey had ever affected him this way and he was through struggling against it.
‘I’m frustrating? That’s just plain ridicul—’
Joshua had had enough. He grabbed her by the shoulders and hauled her close before shutting her up by clamping his mouth firmly over hers.
Chapter Seven
HIS mouth on hers. He wasn’t the least bit hesitant as he channelled sixteen years of repression into that kiss. It was powerful, hungry and full of heat.
He wanted her. That much was absolutely clear and Abbey couldn’t believe how incredible even that small smidgen of knowledge felt. Of course, there was the fact that Joshua was kissing her. Her mind was sluggish as it processed the information. The man who had given her so much grief in medical school, who had often driven her to distraction with his gibes and questions, had been yearning for her. Abbey was equally as slow in realising that she’d been yearning just as much for him. Secretly, she knew she’d known it all along, as had he but lying to themselves had been necessary in order to keep their focus on their studies.
Not so now.
Their breathing synchronised as they allowed themselves to be swept away with the powerful drive that encompassed them. It was glorious that after so many years of denying himself the right to feel these emotions, he could now touch her. She was letting him in, allowing him into her life in a way he had never thought possible, and again the need to thank her swelled within him. He so desperately wanted to stay here, to just lock the two of them away in this moment in time. There hadn’t been too many perfect moments in his life in the past few years but this was one that gave him hope—hope that there might be more than where he’d been.
For even as he allowed himself these moments, holding Abbey in his arms, her mouth responding to his with such ardent urgency, Joshua also knew nothing could ever come of the powerful need raging between them. He’d failed one woman before and he wasn’t about to repeat past mistakes, especially not with a woman he respected as much as Abbey.
He shut off his mind and decided to simply concentrate on her, on holding her, touching her, kissing her. There was an uncontrollable need powering through them both, as though they had been denying themselves any emotional contact for far too long and now that things had built to a frenzy, they’d been unable to quell it. Years of repressed desire was starting to flow from both of them and neither of them wanted to stop.
He slid his hands from her shoulders down her back in order to bring her closer to him. Abbey moaned with delight, showing him that she was right there alongside him, making the journey of discovery together. Her hands had been balled into fists at her sides but now they were at his waist, her fingers sliding just beneath his T-shirt in order to feel that firm, muscled physique he’d been teasing her with earlier.
The muscles that her fingers had itched to touch when she’d helped him hang the fairy lights were now hers to caress, to memorise, to simply enjoy. There was no denying that the man was in good shape and now the smooth contours of his back were next on her exploration list.
He continued to kiss her with passion and skill, bringing forth a response even she hadn’t been aware she possessed. Here was a man who was kissing her, wanting her, making her feel more like a woman than she’d felt since before her diagnosis.
Just the thought that she was being kissed was enough to make her quiver, the action prompting Joshua to lean back against the rail, bringing her with him. He found her attractive, gorgeous, appealing. He’d called her beautiful and was kissing her like she’d never been kissed before, so rich, so desperate, so powerful. His mouth was still warm on hers, their hunger mounting together as they continued to deepen the kiss, matching each other with each mounting emotion, ensuring they took this journey of exploration together.
After a short while, Joshua broke his mouth free from hers, pressing kisses around to her ear and then down to her neck where he nuzzled in close, spreading fire-kisses onto the smooth skin. He’d fantasised about kissing her glorious neck, of feeling the silky strands of her hair between his fingers, and now he realised that his fantasies were nothing compared to the real thing, the real Abigail. Exhaling harshly, he allowed his hands to caress her back, wanting desperately to slip beneath her top, to feel her warm skin against his, but he was having a difficult time keeping himself under control at the moment. Deepening the touch would only result in him losing complete control.
‘Well, that’s one way to stop an argument,’ she murmured as she rested her head on his chest. Joshua chuckled then brought his hands back to her shoulders, easing her back. Remorse and regret at what he’d done was starting to swamp him and even though he wanted to keep holding her, keep kissing her and nuzzling her neck, he knew he shouldn’t.
There could be nothing between them except being colleagues, possibly even friends, but nothing more. He’d failed in one marriage before and now, on the third anniversary of his wife’s death, here he was, kissing another woman. What Abbey had said earlier about realising the pieces of his life puzzle had changed had really resonated with him. What he needed to figure out was which pieces had changed and how he could make them fit seamlessly into his life. Kissing her, although absolutely delightful, wasn’t the way to figure that out.
‘Abbey?’
&
nbsp; ‘Mmm?’
‘I need to get going.’
Her answer was to sigh dreamily against him. It made him wonder if she’d read more into the kiss than he’d intended. He wasn’t even sure that he knew what he’d initially intended when he’d broken through his restraint and hauled her against him, plundering her mouth as he’d been wanting to do for such an incredibly long time. Now, though, he needed to focus, to bring them out of the clouds and back down to earth and reality.
‘It’s after four and there are still so many things I need to get done.’
‘Don’t forget to try and get some sleep,’ she said, pulling back, feeling slightly bereft when his hands slid from her shoulders. ‘Doctor’s orders,’ she joked, trying to inject a bit of light-heartedness into the situation. To say she felt more confused and bewildered than before was an understatement. Joshua had kissed her, passionately kissed her, making her feel whole again for the first time since her surgery, making her feel as though she really was a woman a man could desire.
‘Right. Sleep. I’ll add it to my list.’ He sidestepped her and headed down the stairs. ‘See you later on today. Party starts in the pub at two o’clock in the afternoon,’ he called as he crossed the road, then waved before he disappeared into the magical fairyland house.
Abbey stood where she was for a moment, amazed at how quick his exit had been. She touched her fingers to her lips, wondering for a split second whether she’d imagined everything. Had he been here? Had they drunk tea together? Had they kissed? The only thing which stood as testimony that she wasn’t lying in her bed dreaming were the twinkling lights on the house across the street.
‘Not a dream,’ she muttered as she collected the cups and headed into the house. ‘Dreams usually end far more happily than this.’
Abbey tossed and turned after she went back to bed, her thoughts filled to overflowing with images of Joshua. Finally, she was able to slip into a deep slumber after the sun was up. When she woke, she was astonished and embarrassed to find it was half past one in the afternoon! What must everyone think of her? The new doctor. Sleeping her Sunday away.
