Marian feared her mother might never be well. Not completely. She inhaled. Would she have to remain home forever, watching over little Lizzie and her mother both? What about her beau, Thomas?
She climbed into the waiting van and closed her eyes, leaning back into the seat. She knew the driver was curious about how things went, but he was too discreet to ask. She didn’t offer him any information at all. She was too preoccupied with mulling it over and over in her mind to speak about it right then.
Two
Izzie squealed with delight when Marian came home. It was dark and near her bedtime, but Dat had kept her up until Marian arrived.
“Has she eaten?”
“Jah. She’s ready to go down.”
“Thanks, Dat. I’ll take her up.” Marian hugged Izzie tightly all the way up to her crib. Izzie lay her head on Marian’s shoulder and sucked on her two fingers, making a loud slurping noise.
“Now, you quit that sucking,” Marian gently scolded. “Dat told me you already ate.”
Izzie never used to suck on her fingers, not until Mamm left. Now, she sucked them nearly non-stop, to the point of creating red sores on her tender skin. Marian had gone to Old Mae for help and the woman had given her a concoction to paint on her fingers. The flavor, while not harmful, was to discourage any sucking.
At first, it had worked. Until Izzie figured out that once she sucked the icky flavor off, it was fine again. Marian felt so sorry for the little boppli and all the trauma she endured because of mamm leaving, that she hadn’t the heart to keep using the foul-tasting stuff.
“I saw your mama,” she cooed gently in Izzie’s ear. “She sends her love. She misses you, little one. She wants to be with you.”
She lay Izzie in the crib and snuggled a quilt up to her chin. She leaned over and gave the baby a tender kiss. When she straightened up to leave the room, she saw Dat standing in the doorway, watching her.
The look of sorrow on his face was enough to break her heart.
She moved to the door. “Come on, Dat. Let’s go downstairs.”
He followed her down like a lost puppy. They sat in the front room on the two rocking chairs flanking the heat stove.
“What did the doctors say?”
“It could be as quick as two weeks.”
He let out his breath. “Thank Gott. How is she?”
Marian tipped her head from side to side. “All right. She misses you.”
“She needs to be home with her family.”
“That she does.” Marian said it with conviction, but the niggling worry in her mind wasn’t satisfied.
“Thomas Groft asked after you,” Dat said.
At the mention of Thomas’s name, Marian’s heart lurched. “Did he?”
“I told him you were visitin’ your mamm, but you’d be back today.”
“What did he say to that?” She tried to keep her voice on an even keel. It wouldn’t do to be too obvious with her affection.
Dat shrugged. “He said he might see you around then.”
Marian’s cheeks grew warm. See you around then. That was their code. He would be waiting for her on the main road where the lane to her house began. The only thing she wasn’t sure of was the time.
She hoped it would be first thing in the morning.
She glanced up the stairwell. Who would watch Izzie while she went to see if Thomas had come and was waiting for her? Since Mamm had left, her secret courtship had grown harder and harder to manage. Dragging a one-year-old boppli to clandestine meetings wasn’t exactly conducive to romance.
Dat was staring at her, and she knew she’d have to be careful if she was to continue the Amish tradition of keeping courtships secret. She knew her emotions played too obviously over her face, which was one reason she spent a lot of time writing them down instead.
A wistful memory of her short-lived blog floated through her mind. She’d had such great hopes for it. And in the small amount of time she’d had it, it had given her such joy and satisfaction. Down to her soul, she had loved that blog.
But now? With no more rumspringa, how was she to explain getting on a computer to write a blog? She was serving as the matriarch of the house now. And even when Mamm returned, she’d probably have to continue in that role while her mother regained her bearings.
An Amish Blog.
It had been such a wonderful idea. She picked at the arm of the rocking chair. Was there no way to continue her writing except in a personal journal?
“Your mamm…” Dat started and then paused, rubbing his hands over his eyes, “how did she really seem?”
Marian’s chest tightened, and she swallowed before answering. “Maybe she is better, Dat. It was hard to tell. She’s angry.”
“Angry?”
“She says it’s like jail there.”
Her dat’s face turned red, and he took a sharp intake of air. “Jail?” His voice faltered.
Instantly, Marian regretted her words. “It’s just that she wants to come home. You know, to be with you and Izzie.” She spoke quickly, wanting to ease her father’s burden.
Dat began rocking. The chair creaked under his weight as he began to rock faster and faster. Marian watched him, her heart squeezing painfully. Was there no end to this nightmare?
And then, just as quickly, he braced his feet against the floor and the chair went still. “But the doctors said two weeks. I’ll count on that. Two weeks ain’t so long. She’ll come home, and things will get back to normal around here.”
Hearing her father state the same wish she’d been harboring disturbed her. When she heard the words from his lips, she knew deep down inside that it wouldn’t be that simple. Mamm was different now. She was never going to be the same.
****
Marian slept fitfully that night. Visions of Mamm, visions of the fence running around the sanitarium’s perimeter, visions of Izzie crying and sucking on her two fingers, all of it tormented her peace and caused her more than once to sit up and wonder where she was.
When she recognized the shadows in her own bedroom, she took a deep breath and realized she was safe. She was at home and Izzie was sleeping peacefully in the room across from hers. Hopefully, Dat was also sound asleep in his room.
She sent up many prayers that night. For Mamm. For Izzie. For Dat. For herself.
Before sunrise, she got up and wrapped a light quilt around her shoulders against the coolness of the early morning air and dug out her journal. She lit her lantern and sat back down on the edge of her bed and wrote.
The air this morning is cool
and bites at me
With broken minds and hopeful dreams.
The past is with me still
forcing attention
to scarred remains.
And dead beginnings.
Four
Dead Beginnings.
Do you hear my cry?
Marian reread her words and chewed on the end of her pencil. The writing eased the tightness in her heart, and she set her journal down, laying her pencil on top of it. She sat there, staring at the small notebook and wondered how it was that writing words could lessen pain.
Perhaps if her mother would write, she would feel better, too.
Dreamer, she thought. Why was she always searching for easy answers to not-so-easy issues?
****
Marian got breakfast for her dat and saw him off to the fields. She fed Izzie her hot cereal and let her feed herself the chopped up banana. Marian flew about the kitchen, cleaning and organizing and getting things prepped for the noon meal. Every time she passed the large dining area window, she strained her eyes through the glass, trying to see past the clump of trees at the end of their drive. Thomas could be there waiting for her that very instant. When her kitchen chores were complete, she put the baby’s sweater on her and picked her up.
“Want to take a little walk to the road?” she asked.
Izzie nodded and stuck her two fingers in her mouth.
Marian balanc
ed her on her hip and hurried out the front door. She glanced around to the barn to make sure Dat wasn’t watching. She needn’t have worried; he was nowhere in sight, probably already far out into the fields.
Her step was light as she moved down the drive. Overhead, a crow cawed its greeting. She looked up, watching it circle and then land on the top of an oak tree.
“Marian!”
Her heart skipped a beat when she heard Thomas’s greeting. She rounded the last bit of the drive and there he was, waiting for her.
“Thomas!” She rushed to him, extending her free hand. He clasped it in his, and she felt his warmth radiate through her.
“You’re back.”
She nodded, her eyes shining with joy at seeing him again. His deep blue eyes probed hers, as if checking to make sure she was all right.
“Your mama?” he asked, taking off his straw hat.
Marian’s eyes misted over at his tender voice, and she blinked the moisture away. “Doctors say she could be home as soon as two weeks.”
His eyebrows shot up. “That’s wonderful gut news.”
She nodded, trying to ignore the heaviness she felt at her own announcement.
“Then our plans can go forward?” he asked. “You’re going to take instruction and join church, jah?”
Marian nodded. “I already told Dat and he spoke to the bishop about taking instruction. And you? Will you be in the class, too?”
He nodded, a wide grin on his face. “So we will both be joining church.”
“Seems so,” she said, suddenly feeling shy.
“We can be published then, and everyone will know of my intention to marry you.”
She warmed at his eagerness.
“And we’ll be wed come November.”
Izzie yanked on Marian’s kapp strings, pulling the covering awry. Marian straightened it, and held Izzie’s arms down. “Oh, no you don’t, little one! You keep your hands to yourself!” She laughed gently at her young sister.
Thomas reached out and ran his finger over Izzie’s arm. “It won’t be long, and we’ll have a little boppli of our own.”
Marian felt her face go hot. Yet, he was right. It often didn’t take married couples long to bring a new one into the world. She gazed down at Izzie, and her heart went out to the little girl who hadn’t had her own mother for months.
“What about Izzie?” Marian blurted.
Thomas tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“Who’s going to raise her?”
His forehead creased. “I don’t understand. Isn’t your mother returning in two weeks?”
“Remember that night? That awful night when we found mama running crazy through the woods?”
He nodded.
“And you were so good with her, and I asked why. You told me that you had an aunt who had … who had …. mental problems.”
“I remember.”
“I asked if she was better. You said yes, but not fully back to normal. Do you remember?”
“Jah.” He gave her a confused look.
Marian took a long, slow breath. “I don’t think Mamm will ever be back to normal.”
Thomas squeezed her shoulder. “Why do you say that? Did the doctors tell you so?”
She shook her head. “It’s a feeling I have.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I just know it in my heart.”
When she began to sob, she wanted to drop through a hole in the earth. What would Thomas think of her, breaking down like that?
Izzie’s lips puckered, and she began crying, too.
Thomas stepped closer and spoke next to her ear. “You don’t know for sure, Marian. And don’t forget about Gott. He can perform miracles.”
She nodded her head, working to get herself back under control. She wiped at Izzie’s eyes and then her own. “I’m sorry. Jah, you’re right. Gott is with Mamm.”
They stood in silence, listening to Izzie’s hiccoughs after she stopped crying.
“But I can’t leave Izzie alone with Mamm come November. It’s too soon.”
Thomas stepped back. “What?”
“How can I trust Izzie with my mother so soon after she’s released.”
“It wouldn’t be so soon. It would be over a month.”
“And how will Mamm have the energy and time to help plan a wedding?” She put her hand over her mouth, forcing herself to stay calm. “I don’t think it can happen in November, Thomas. I don’t.”
The shock in him was palpable. Marian could hardly look into his eyes—she could hardly believe what she had just said herself. She’d had no intention of calling off their wedding when she’d hurried out to meet him. She loved him. She wanted to be his wife.
But as the words flew from her mouth, she knew they were right. This wasn’t the time for her to be selfish. She couldn’t leave the baby. She couldn’t leave her mamm so soon after her release. She could never leave her childhood home until she knew for sure Izzie was safe and Mamm was all right.
How could she live with herself if she deserted them too soon? She gulped past the lump of tears in her throat. “I’m sorry, Thomas.” She worked to get the words out.
“Then we’ll raise Izzie. You and me.”
She gaped at him. “You and me?”
His words rushed out. “Jah! She’s used to you. You’re like a mother to her anyway. We’ll bring her into my family’s daadi haus with us. There’s room. You know there is.”
She blinked, trying to make sense of what he was saying. “But what about Mamm? She’ll never agree to that. Neither would Dat.”
“But if we take Izzie, then your mamm wouldn’t have to worry about her. She could get better without the pressure.”
Marian tried to get breath past the tightness in her throat. Her words came out barely above a whisper. “Thomas, thank you for being willing. I appreciate it so much. But it wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t.”
“But Marian…”
“You know my family doesn’t have a daadi haus for us to stay in after we married. Or we might have made that work.” She shook her head. “And I know you don’t want to start our marriage in my parent’s main house.”
His features looked stricken. He took a big breath. “Marian, I’d have to be closer to the farm anyway. It would be too hard living somewhere else, trying to go back and forth and care for the animals and the crops.”
She nodded, and her heart felt leaden. “I know. You’re right. I’m so sorry, Thomas.”
He stared at her. “Are you calling it off then? Our engagement? Are you saying it’s over?” His voice choked out the words.
Marian’s knees almost buckled. She grasped Izzie even closer to her side. “I don’t want to call it off,” she whispered.
“But that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?” His voice hardened, and he appeared to be in complete shock.
Marian shook her head. “I don’t know,” she cried. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Dat’s putting pressure on me to marry. He plans to give me a good share of the land once I take a wife. It’s my inheritance.” He blew out his breath. “I told him I was marrying soon, and he was relieved. He doesn’t want me to wait much longer.” Thomas fingered the brim of his straw hat, and then ran a hand through his hair. “Over a year of waiting isn’t soon, Marian.”
Her lip trembled, and she worked to keep her tears back. “I know it isn’t.”
He clutched her forearm, and she felt the heat of his hand. “Izzie is a baby. A baby. One more year won’t be long enough, either, will it?”
“Nee,” she whispered. “A year won’t be long enough.
Thomas took a gulping breath and squared his shoulders. “What am I saying?” His voice took on a note of frenzy. “I’ll wait. Of course, I’ll wait. I love you, Marian.”
Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she closed her eyes. She couldn’t ask him to wait indefinitely. It wasn’t fair. “Nee. It’s too long, Thomas.”
“No, it isn’t. A year. Two years. I
’ll wait.”
“Your dat won’t be happy. Your inheritance will go to your brother.” Marian cringed as she spoke the words, but she knew it could happen. It wouldn’t be the first time a son lost out on his inheritance because he didn’t marry according to his father’s wishes.
“I’ll talk to Dat. He’ll understand.”
Marian looked at him and saw the resignation in his eyes. His father wouldn’t understand. She knew it and he knew it.
She gazed at the man she loved, a man who was dearer to her than her own breath. “It isn’t right for you to wait. I don’t know what I’ll be facing. I want you to find someone else.”
His hand dropped from her arm. “What? How can you say that?”
“I can say it. I mean it, Thomas.” She gulped past her tears.
“But it’s not only up to you!” he cried.
“Nor is it only up to you,” she murmured.
They stood, their eyes locked. With steel determination, Marian held her stance without moving.
Thomas let out his breath. “So this is really it? You’re saying good-bye to me?”
She nodded her head, misery spreading through her entire body. She wanted to crumple into the dirt with the thought of losing him.
“But Marian…”
She turned from him and ran back toward the house. She ran straight through the door and up the stairs, Izzie bouncing on her hip and clutching her shoulder. When she reached her bedroom, she set Izzie on the bed and collapsed in a heap beside her. She bit back her sobs, but the tears poured from her eyes.
She had done the right thing. She had set him free. Isn’t that what someone was supposed to do with the person they loved?
They were over. Over. She repeated the word in her mind. She knew she would never find a beau as kind and loving as Thomas. Not ever. She pressed her hand against her mouth. But he would find someone. There were plenty of girls around who would count themselves blessed to have a man like Thomas for a husband.
Izzie crawled over to her and lay down beside her. Marian gazed at her through her tears and saw the worry in the little girl’s eyes. She was puckering up, preparing for a huge cry.
Marian grasped her close. “Ach, it’s all right, Izzie. Your sister just needed a little cry is all.”
Amish Romance BOOK BUNDLE: Marian's Story: Amish Romance Boxed Set (Hollybrook Amish Romance) Page 8
