by Cara Malone
Ruby ordered a smoothie that was labeled on the menu as a hangover cure and then went over to one of the overstuffed leather chairs at the back of the café to drink it. The air outside was chilly and she shivered in her sweat-drenched clothes as she sipped her drink, thinking there wouldn’t be many more opportunities for cold drinks before the snow started to fall.
She watched people trickling in and out of the café for a while, a lot of them weighed down by backpacks and planning to settle in for a day of homework before the week began again tomorrow. Then she felt her phone vibrating in the pocket of her gym bag and she pulled it out, expecting to see a text from Megan telling her that she was on the road.
Instead, she saw that it was a call from her mother.
“Hi, mama,” Ruby said as she answered.
“Hi butterfly,” her mother said. “I know you’ve got Megan there so I’ll make it quick. I just wanted-”
“Megan’s not here anymore,” Ruby blurted.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, really,” Ruby said, and it startled her to realize how true that was. Nothing happened. “I just realized that it was over.”
“But she wanted to see you,” Ruby’s mother objected. “And you wanted to see her.”
“I know,” she said. “But when she got here everything felt so different. I think we both grew out of that relationship, and she was the one who was brave enough to say so. I was trying to hold onto something that wasn’t there anymore.”
“Are you okay?” Her mother asked.
“Yeah, actually,” Ruby said. “We talked, and then she went home, and it feels real now – the break up, I mean.”
“Oh,” her mother said, drawing out the word into a tentative sound.
She’d been the first person Ruby came out to, and Megan was the first and only girl she ever brought home. Her mother had gotten invested in Megan just like Ruby did. She suddenly felt the need to reassure her mother that everything would be okay.
“I’ll still see her,” Ruby said. “We’re still friends.”
“Good,” her mother said. Then after a short pause, she asked, “What about you, though? Are you okay?”
Ruby let the line go silent for a moment as she considered this question. Regarding everything that happened with Megan? Sure, she was okay. In general? Not so much.
“Oh, mama, everything is a mess,” Ruby said finally, surprising herself again with the amount of emotion in her voice. All of the calm and peace she’d cultivated in her yoga session evaporated and suddenly she was choking back tears that came out of nowhere. She told her mother everything about Max, their brief and passionate affair, the way she always panicked and ran away from her, and even the wretched feeling she got when the door swung open last night and Max was staring at them as Megan put her hand on Ruby’s chest. It all came out in one long torrent, and Ruby swiped a few tears from her eyes as she waited for her mother’s response.
“You really like her, don’t you?”
“I didn’t think so,” Ruby said plaintively, “and now I don’t think it even matters how I feel after everything that happened.”
“All that stuff had to happen for you to get over Megan,” her mother said in the calming, stoic voice that she always put on when Ruby was upset as a kid. It never failed to help her put things in perspective. “You can’t expect to make room for someone new in your heart when it still belongs to someone else.”
“She must hate me,” Ruby said, a lump forming in her throat as she tried to talk.
“Maybe,” her mother said, “maybe not. You know what goes a long way in patching things up?”
“What?” Ruby asked.
“An apology,” her mother said. “If you really like her and you think the two of you have something worth fighting for, you should try again.”
“Okay,” Ruby said with a sigh. That was easier said than done, but her mother was rarely wrong in these matters. She glanced at the time and saw that she’d been in the café for close to an hour. Megan would certainly be gone by now. Ruby picked up her gym bag and said into the phone, “Thanks mama. I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
She was just about to end the call when she remembered that her mother had been about to ask her something when they first began talking. “Oh, what did you want when you called, mama?”
“Honestly, baby, I was just going to make something up about the Thanksgiving menu,” her mother said with a shy chuckle. “I knew you were with Megan and I’m too nosy not to know how it was going. Sounds like it worked out exactly as it should have, even if it was a bit painful.”
Twenty-Nine
Max
There was a voicemail from Mira waiting for Max when she finally got around to checking her phone on Sunday afternoon. She slept late and then moved sluggishly around her dorm, too apathetic to do much of anything, and she was too afraid of running into Ruby and Megan to leave her apartment.
Rather than go to the dining hall, she scrounged up a box of half-stale cereal that she’d forgotten in the cupboard of her kitchenette, eating it dry because she didn’t have any milk. She spent most of the day vacillating between trying to do her readings for the week and watching reruns of old sitcoms on TV. They were just mindless enough to keep her from thinking about what happened last night.
When Max finally got around to doing basic things like throwing the empty cereal box in the trash and fishing her phone out of her pants pocket where she’d thrown it on the floor of her bedroom last night, it was well after noon and her stomach was grumbling for something better than cereal.
When she saw that Mira had called, Max was just hungry enough to set aside her anger long enough to agree to a late lunch. At least going out with Mira meant that she wouldn’t have to endure the humiliation of eating alone, and Max had a bone to pick with her, anyway. They met at a sandwich shop off campus that Mira liked to frequent when she had time between classes.
“I haven’t seen you in so long,” Mira said as she met Max at the front of the restaurant. Her cheerful tone grated at Max, and Mira clearly didn’t know that her treachery had been discovered. “What have you been up to?”
“Why don’t you ask Ruby? It seems like you two are pretty close these days,” Max snapped at her.
Mira looked at Max in shock, and when it was clear that she wasn’t going to get the message without Max spelling it out for her, she told her everything that happened with Ruby, including the invective about her Asperger’s that Ruby had spewed at her just before Max slammed the door in her face.
“I did not tell her that so she could use it against you,” Mira exclaimed, looking about as hurt as Max felt. “I’m so sorry. I never would have told her if I thought she would say something like that to you.”
Max could hear the emotion in her voice – she’d gotten good at reading Mira over the years, and Mira had always been one to wear her heart on her sleeve anyway. Max found herself starting to forgive her already, and she had to ball up her fists to keep from folding completely.
“Why did you tell her in the first place?” She asked. “You know how I feel about that.”
“I know,” Mira said remorsefully. “I just thought she was different. You were so smitten with her-”
“I was not!”
“-and I could tell that she was reading you all wrong,” Mira said. “I just thought if she had a little more context, you might have a shot.”
“Yeah, I did alright,” Max said. “And look where it got me.”
“Laid?” Mira said, trying to add some levity to the conversation. Max scowled at her, so she sighed and took Max by the arm, leading her over to the ordering counter. “Come on. Let’s get some food and talk it over.”
Max let Mira pull her along. She didn’t want to forgive her for such a big transgression so easily, but her stomach was growling and Mira was persuasive. She ordered a huge Rueben sandwich and a side of fresh-cut potato chips, and she wolfed it all down while Mira
picked at chicken salad on a croissant and said meekly, “I really don’t think she did it on purpose.”
“She screwed me to get what she wanted,” Max objected.
“Or maybe she screwed you and you gave her what she wanted because you thought it would make her happy,” Mira suggested. “You said yourself that it was your idea to cede the presidency.”
“She went completely cold as soon as she got what she wanted,” Max said. “And she was sending those text messages to her ex the whole time.”
“You weren’t even supposed to know about those texts,” Mira said. “Maybe they weren’t what you thought they were, or maybe she was just working through some things. Didn’t you tell me they just broke up over the summer? It can be hard to break free from long-term relationships.”
“Don’t tell me how hard it is to be normal,” Max said petulantly.
“Just quit, Max,” Mira snapped, setting down her sandwich in irritation. “Stop being such an idiot. If Ruby wanted to be with that other girl, then she wouldn’t have spent so much time in your bed. And she didn’t turn cold because she got what she wanted – you turned cold because you decided you knew better than she did what was going on in her head. She didn’t sabotage you at GLiSS and she’s not judging you by your Asperger’s. But you’re going to lose her if you don’t stop being such a jackass.”
Max got quiet, stewing over Mira’s words.
She crunched loudly on a few potato chips, unwilling to admit that Mira might have a valid point and that she certainly knew more in the arena of dating than Max did. Maybe there hadn’t been anything cold or calculating about Ruby’s demeanor until she came over to Max’s dorm and wound up yelling at her.
“Maybe you’re right about the presidency,” Max said reluctantly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that she chose Megan over me. I already lost her.”
“You love her, right?” Mira asked, “Or at least you very strongly like her?”
“Yes,” Max said pathetically. “Thanks for pointing that out.”
“Listen,” Mira said. “You love her, so you can’t just give up. Maybe she did choose Megan, or maybe she’s not sold just yet. Maybe she likes you for the same reasons you like her, and she just needs a nudge in the right direction.”
This last bit was said with a jab in the ribs, and Max scowled at Mira, but not in a genuinely angry way. She asked, “How do I get her back, then?”
“You’re the one with a million notebooks on human behavior,” Mira said with a shrug. “You tell me.”
Thirty
Ruby
In the evening, Ruby was sitting at her desk finishing up the assignments she’d neglected all weekend when she heard her laptop chime as an email came in. It was from Max, and dread settled into her stomach as she clicked on it.
To: Ruby Satterwhite, Lydia Moore, David Wolfe
Subject: Group project
I’ve compiled all the data into a report, but we should meet one last time to go over final details before the project is due on Tuesday. Is tomorrow at 7 p.m. in the library study room amenable to all?
Max
Ruby felt somewhat relieved at the fact that it was just about their Information Theory project. She also felt a twinge of disappointment that it wasn’t some kind of declaration of love – although that was obviously asking for far too much from a person who wasn’t interested in her in the slightest. It was just too bad that it took almost reuniting with Megan to realize how great Max was, and that Ruby destroyed her chances with her in the process.
She sighed and typed a short response. There would be other fish in the sea - this one had just gotten away.
I’ll be there.
-Ruby
The last time she even thought about the Information Theory project, Max had declared that she was taking the report into her own hands. It wasn’t something that Ruby felt entirely comfortable with – she’d never been the type to stand idly by and let a group member take on all the work for a project – but she didn’t have much choice in the matter. At least now she’d have a chance to give her input before the project was turned in.
She went back to finishing her reading, glancing at her open email from time to time. Max never wrote back, nor did David or Lydia. They would probably just show up when the time came, and she doubted if they’d have any feedback for Max.
When Ruby arrived at the library the next evening, all the study rooms on the second floor were empty. It was seven on the dot – she didn’t intend to spend any more time than necessary sitting around with Max waiting for their group members to arrive – but no one was there, so Ruby wandered back down to the circulation desk.
She asked the librarian on duty to look for Max’s name on the room reservations, and sure enough she’d reserved a room on the second floor.
“She’s not there yet?” The librarian asked. “That’s not like her.”
Ruby was taken a little aback by that statement – she didn’t know that Max had such an intimate relationship with the librarians. She glanced down at the woman’s nametag – Maureen – and then said, “No, it isn’t.”
“Well, I’m sure she’ll be along shortly,” Maureen said.
Ruby nodded and then headed back up to the second floor to wait. She couldn’t believe that David and Lydia still hadn’t arrived – they were going to stick her with Max again, waiting and waiting and trying to find something to say to pass the time – she just knew it.
And sure enough, Max was standing outside the study room when Ruby got back upstairs. She must have just missed her going down in the elevator and then coming back up via the stairs for a change of pace.
“Hey,” Ruby said, timidly approaching Max.
“Hi,” Max said, then opened the door and held it for her.
Ruby walked past her, careful not to make eye contact as she felt suddenly very embarrassed over their fight and the fact that Max had seen her with Megan on Saturday. She thought fleetingly of apologizing for that drunken scene, but it wasn’t like they were together. There was nothing really to apologize for.
“David and Lydia aren’t here yet,” she said, even though anyone with eyes could see that it was just the two of them in the room. It was something to fill the silence, at least. Ruby sat down at the far side of the table, setting down her backpack. “What exactly did you want to go over about the project?”
Max closed the door and sat down across from Ruby. “I think we should wait for the rest of the group before we discuss it. I don’t want to have to say it twice.”
“Oh,” Ruby said. “That makes sense.”
The two of them fell into a tense silence, each of them glancing at the other and then quickly looking away when their eyes met. Ruby took out her laptop just for something to do, but because Max had the report, there was no point in opening it. She settled for just folding her hands on top of it.
Max cleared her throat a couple of times, opening her mouth as if she was about to say something, but never quite managed it.
Ruby stole surreptitious glances at her here and there when she thought Max wasn’t paying attention. She would pretend to look at her phone, checking the time or seeing whether either of their group mates emailed to let them know why they were running so egregiously late, and instead she would look up through her eyelashes at Max.
Her eyes were so piercingly blue, so intensely passionate. The set of her jaw was so firm, just like her personality. It could be abrasive – that was for sure – but it was also so self-assured. Max knew what she wanted, and there was nothing that could deter her. Ruby admired that.
And those lips… Ruby could remember exactly how they felt pressed against her own, and the ache of missing them was so much more keen now than the pain she felt when she thought about Megan. That was surprising – she didn’t think it was possible to miss anyone more than Megan, and she didn’t think that the hurt would ever pass. But it did, and now she wished that she had given Max a fairer shake in the beginning.
> She also wished that Max hadn’t given her that line about relationships being bullshit. Sure, it might have scared her off to think that Max wanted something serious while Ruby was still pining over Megan, but it would have given her a heck of a lot less grief to know what Max’s true intentions were. She needed Max to slam that door in her face, though, or she never would have invited Megan to Granville and she never would have realized there was nothing left to pine for.
Ruby looked across the table at Max and swallowed hard, bracing herself. It was time to give this an honest effort and find out whether it was possible to wipe the slate clean.
Thirty-One
Max
Max opened her mouth about half a dozen times to tell Ruby that she was sorry, but for various reasons, something always held her back. It was her pride, or her stubbornness, but mostly it was fear. She could pretend that she’d called a meeting of the Information Theory group to go over their project, make up some details about the report that she had, in truth, submitted to McDermott a few hours ago, and then go back to the safety of her apartment. If she chose that route, then she would never have to live with the rejection that was surely waiting for her if she proceeded on the second path that branched out before her.
Despite all of Mira’s encouraging words, Max couldn’t shake the knowledge that Ruby was, in reality, far more popular, more social, more capable than Max would ever be, and quite possibly, in love with another woman.
