It was no wonder he worked so hard to bury his feelings. If the songs were any indication, he’d thought about her even when he didn’t realize it. It bolstered her confidence, and she bolted off the bed.
She knew exactly what she wanted to do, and she knew what she had to do.
First things first.
She pulled her laptop onto the bed and began putting together her own playlist. Darryl Worley’s “I Miss My Friend” and “It’s Not Over” by Daughtry were the first two she added, followed by “If You’re Gone” by Matchbox Twenty, “State of Grace” by Taylor Swift, and “I Try” by Macy Gray. She added song after song. “I Choose You,” by Sara Bareilles and “I Would’ve Loved You Anyway” by Trisha Yearwood were next.
Yeah, I would have.
She added songs that made her think of Jake, which was nearly every song under the sun, so she tried to choose songs that had specific meanings throughout their relationship. When she added “3 AM” by Matchbox Twenty, she wiped a tear from her cheek. She’d missed him every minute of every day when they were apart. By the time she finished adding songs, it was nearly two o’clock in the morning.
She stood and pulled a box out from under the bed, then sat back on her heels and lifted the lid. Inside was the bear Jake had won her at the County Fair when she was seventeen. Its fur was matted from being tucked under her arm on lonely nights, and its black button eyes looked right through her. She picked it up and stroked it between its ears, then clutched it to her chest, thinking about the conversations she needed to have tomorrow, with Jake and with Paul.
Chapter Twenty-Five
IT WAS SIX o’clock by the time Jake arrived to pick up Fiona in Fresno. Hileberg had called for one last filming session, and when Steve Hileberg said he was filming, there were no negotiations. When she opened the door, Jake’s chest swelled with love. Seeing her in an emerald-green tank top that clung to her breasts, skinny jeans hugging every delicious curve, and something shimmery around her eyes, Jake couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He folded her into his arms, feeling as though they’d been apart for weeks instead of two nights.
“Two nights is too damn long,” he said against her ear before sealing his lips over hers.
He lifted her in his arms, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. This was becoming a natural position for them—and he knew just where it would lead. The staircase was just a few feet away. The couch was even closer, but as he enjoyed the feel of her sweet body against his, the taste of her mouth as they devoured each other, and the warm slide of her tongue, he knew that landing in bed was the wrong thing to do. Paul’s comment had whirred through his mind like a tornado, and his conversation with Trish hadn’t helped. When he’d asked her about Fiona’s job, Trish had raved about how good she was at it, how much her colleagues respected her, and how she thrived on discoveries—hands-on or academic.
He and Fiona needed to talk, and the sooner they did, the better.
They drove toward Los Angeles holding hands and talking about Jake’s filming. He was procrastinating, but hell, why shouldn’t he? Being unselfish wasn’t always fun, and he was about to be as unselfish as a man could get.
“The research the guys are planning could mean major funding for future projects. They’re going to try to bring in a world-renowned scientist who wrote a previous article. They’re disputing his findings, which is going to majorly piss the guy off, I’m sure, but that’s why they want to bring him in. He wrote his article two years ago, and they think if they can get him on board for the project, it will hold even more weight. It’s brilliant, really.”
Jake squeezed her hand. “That’s great, Fi.”
“Yeah, and Paul is so excited about it all. He feels like the attention the group will get from my article will drive their research forward.” Fiona pulled out her cell phone and began texting. “I just remembered something. Sorry. I’m just texting Clark. They’re taking our notes from this weekend and putting them into an outline, and I agreed to be listed on the article, so I want to be sure they use my home email as well as my work email so I don’t miss anything.”
Her excitement was palpable as she concentrated on the text with her lip trapped between her teeth and a smile pulling the edges of her lips up. A long-distance relationship wouldn’t be that bad, would it? They’d still find time for each other. He could always sell his place and buy another that was closer to Fresno.
Commuting would be hell. But he could do it. He couldn’t let Fiona pass up this promotion. Even if it meant risking what they had, he wasn’t about to stand in her way.
He watched Fiona put her phone back into her purse, then pull it out again.
“I forgot to call Trish last night. I want to fill her in.”
“Take your time.” I’m in no hurry to ruin what we have.
A few minutes later she called Trish, and Fiona spent the rest of the ride filling her in on her upcoming publication as well as the project the other guys were planning. Her hands flew through the air as she described the project.
“I know!” She laughed and agreed with whatever Trish was saying.
She was still on the phone when they pulled up in front of his house. He used that time to try to figure out how he was going to tell her the very thing he didn’t want to. The longer he stewed, the tighter his muscles corded. He felt like a caged tiger as he paced the front yard, waiting for her to get off the phone—and not wanting her to in equal measure.
He was standing at the edge of the driveway with his back to Fiona when he felt her arms circle his waist from behind and her cheek press against his back.
“I’m sorry, Jake. You drove all the way out to get me in Fresno, and then I spend the whole time either jabbering at you or on the phone.”
He turned in her arms, and the trusting look in her beautiful eyes chipped away at his resolve. He needed to get this over with before he lost his nerve to do the right thing.
“It’s okay.” The gruffness of his tone surprised him. “Fi, I think you should take the promotion.” There. He said it loud, clear, and without any room for misinterpretation. Why, then, was Fiona blinking up at him as if she had no idea what he was talking about and stumbling backward as if she’d been pushed?
“What?” The word came out incredulously.
These were the hardest words he’d ever had to say. Everything he’d never understood about himself, he understood when he was with Fiona. She righted his chaotic world and showed him how to feel again. He wanted her more than he wanted anything else in the world, but he’d spent the last sixteen years taking what he wanted. It was time for him to step back and make sure that Fiona got what she wanted. What she deserved.
“I want you to take the promotion. You’ve worked hard for it. You deserve it, and you can’t tell me that you don’t want it.” He clenched his hands into fists by his sides, repressing the urge to tell her he was lying. “We’ll figure out how to navigate a long-distance relationship.”
“A long-distance relationship? Is that what you really want? You don’t mean that.” Her chest rose and fell as her breathing hitched.
“I do, Fiona. I want you to take the promotion.” Goddamn it. He was dying a slow and painful death as the lie bored into his chest and sucked the blood from his heart. This must be payback for his years of living selfishly. And it sucked.
Fiona shook her head. “No. No, Jake.” She closed the distance between them, tears welling in her eyes.
Jake looked away, biting back his own devastation.
“No, Jake! I know you, and you don’t mean this. You don’t want to be apart for a week or more at a time. I know you don’t. You don’t want to go on location and know that I’m a thousand miles away for five or six or twelve weeks.”
He clenched his teeth so tight he feared they’d crack. It was either that or ruin the career she’d worked so hard for by telling her he was lying, that he wanted nothing more than to be with her every second of every goddamn day. He managed to shake his head,
or at least he hoped he did.
“Why?” she snapped, her beautiful eyes full of hurt.
He swallowed against the lump in his throat.
She grabbed his T-shirt in her shaking fists. Her face went red, and her eyes narrowed. “Tell me why. Was this all a game to you? Because I don’t fucking believe that for one second.”
He met her gaze. His gut plummeted as her tears sprang free.
“Is this payback for my leaving you all those years ago?”
He reached up to wipe her tears, and she swatted at his hand.
“No. You don’t get to touch me. You owe me an explanation.” She stormed across the driveway, then turned around and stomped back again, standing so close he could see red streaks in the whites of her eyes.
Her eyes softened from anger to hurt, and her voice softened again. “I know you love me, Jake. Unless…unless I don’t know you at all.” She nodded, as if understanding was dawning on her. She stumbled backward.
His heart was shattering into smithereens inside him. If this was what it felt like to be unselfish, he was ready to kick the hell out of it. He was afraid to answer her. Afraid of the truth tumbling out like rocks.
“You love me, Jake. I know you do.”
He couldn’t stand to see her so unhappy. “I do love you, Fiona.” More than you could ever know.
“Then why do you want to be apart?” When he didn’t answer, she shook her head and backed away again. “This is messed up. I don’t know what I did wrong, but long distance doesn’t work for me, Jake.”
Anger and sadness swirled inside him and bound together, pushing him forward with the force of a hurricane.
“What were you thinking, Fiona?” He stalked over to her, all the anger of the years spewing forward, and he had no chance of reining it in. “We’re right back where we were sixteen years ago. Your fucking future is on the line, and I won’t be the one holding you back. You wanted your freedom all those years ago and you got it. I didn’t chase you, when that was all I thought about day in and day out. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and when that didn’t include me, I thought, well, fuck me. It sucked, and it hurt, and I moved on.”
“You hid from it,” she spat.
“So fucking what? You got to live your life the way you wanted. I wouldn’t stand in your way then, and in all those years we were apart, I became the most selfish bastard I’ve ever known. I didn’t fucking care about anyone but my family. No one got close to me, Fiona. Not one damn person.”
She blinked up at him, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she whispered, “Jake.”
“No. It was what it was, and I was ready to let all that go. You made me a better person, Fi. In one goddamn month you made me realize what a self-centered prick I’d become, and it was the best thing you could do for me—and the worst. Because now here we stand. You’re on the precipice of the pinnacle of your career, and here I am. Stuck.” His arms shook with frustration. “I see you in everything I do. When I was jumping out of the damn building yesterday, all I thought about was being extra safe so I would be able to see you again. And when I picked you up at your house, it felt like coming home. But none of that matters, because if I tell you to stay, then I’m the same selfish bastard I’m trying my damnedest not to be.”
“Jake—” She reached for him, and he backed out of her reach.
“No. Let me finish. I want nothing more than to marry you, Fiona. To keep you by my side every second of my life. I want to come home to you, to wake up to you, and you’re the only woman I ever want to make love to again. I want to have a goddamn family with you—but none of that matters.”
He spun away and scrubbed his hand down his face, trying to regain control of his anger. He sank his hands onto his hips, rounded his shoulders forward, trying desperately to ward off the desire to back down. After sucking in one deep breath after another, steeling himself again for the tears he knew he’d see, he turned around.
Her hand covered her mouth, leaving only her damp, wide eyes staring at him like he had three heads.
“Marry me?” she whispered.
He reached for her trembling hand. “Yes. Marry you. I’m sorry, Fiona.”
“You’re an idiot.”
He nodded. “An asshole is more like it, but I’m trying so hard to fix that. Not being selfish sucks, just so you know, but it doesn’t change how much I love you.”
She swallowed hard, then stepped closer. Their thighs brushed. She pressed her soft, warm palm to his cheek, and Jake closed his eyes, relishing in the comfort of her loving touch.
“I’m so sorry, Fi. I want this to work, but more important, I don’t want to take you away from something that makes you so happy.” He looked down at her, feeling his resolve slipping away. “You own me, Fi. You always have.”
Her lips curved up in a smile.
“Be selfish, Jake. This is the one time you can be selfish.”
“You’re not making this easy. I’m really trying to do the right thing.”
“This is the right thing,” she said softly.
And it fucking sucks.
“This is the right thing.” She circled her arms around his neck and lifted herself into his arms, then fastened her mouth to his.
Salty tears seeped into their mouths, and their hearts slammed a frantic beat against their chests. His strong arms cocooned her. She felt too damn good, too damn right. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do, and maybe he really was a selfish man at heart, but with Fiona’s approval, he couldn’t lie anymore. He tore his lips from hers and stared into her loving eyes.
“The hell with the promotion. Marry me, Fiona. Get a job here, or work remotely, or don’t work at all. I’ll support anything you want to do, except I’m not unselfish enough to let you go again. It’s selfish, and I’m a goddamn asshole for asking you to give up what you love, but I want you, Fiona, and I let you go once. I’m not letting you go again.”
She pressed her palms to his cheeks and gazed into his eyes with a serious look. “I already turned down the promotion and submitted my resignation earlier this morning.”
“You…”
She nodded. “I knew you loved me. I don’t want to love you from afar or wish I was with you on location. I want to be with you every second.”
“You quit.” He couldn’t wrap his mind around it.
“I left you to find myself once, and I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. I made my mark in my field, and I’ll still publish as I’m able, but what I found when I went searching was that it’s not the discoveries or publications that make me whole. I found myself, but a piece was missing all along. The most important piece. I’m not whole without you, Jake. You’re my missing piece.”
He touched his forehead to hers and breathed her in. “Marry me, Fi. Raise raucous boys and smart girls with me. Be my wife. Be mine. God knows I’m already yours.”
“Don’t you feel it, silly? I’ve been yours all along.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
JAKE AND FIONA held hands and smiled like they’d just eaten an entire birthday cake meant for someone else, only it wasn’t cake that had put interminable smiles on their faces. Monday’s filming had been canceled at the last minute, and Jake and Fiona had taken full advantage of the day. They’d spent the day in each other’s arms, making love more times than they’d ever fess up to, and had left their love nest only long enough to use the bathroom. They’d finally showered and dressed an hour ago. It was seven o’clock Monday evening and they were sitting on Jake’s bed, dressed for the actors’ dinner and staring at the monitor of his laptop.
“Ready?” Jake asked, hovering the cursor over the Skype icon.
“Click it already. Your driver’s supposed to be here in ten minutes.”
Jake pressed his leg to hers, causing the slit in Fiona’s silky white dress to fall open. He placed his hand on her thigh and nuzzled against her neck.
“Are you sure? We can skip the Skype call with my family and skip dinner.�
�� He glanced over her shoulder at the bed and arched a brow.
Her cheeks flushed pink. “You’re insatiable. Make the call.”
They’d called each of Fiona’s brothers last night to give them the news. Reggie, Jesse, and Brent all gave Jake applause-worthy big-brother threats about taking care of their sister. Finn had a gentler message for Jake. Fiona likes people to think she’s thick-skinned and strong as an ox, but really, she’s a lovely, strong woman with a big, sensitive heart. Protect her heart, Jake, and we’ll be good friends forever. Damage her heart, and you’ll never know what hit you. Jake respected her brothers’ threats, because he had done the same thing to Dae with regard to Emily. It’s what brothers who loved their sisters did. Family was everything to Jake, and he knew her brothers would never have to carry through a single threat. He planned on making Fiona the happiest woman on the planet every day of her life.
He fell more in love with her with every passing second. He looked at her now, then at the laptop, and finally back to her with a serious gaze.
“Okay, but remember, you’re with me. Don’t fall for my cousin Sam.”
Fiona rolled her eyes with the tease. “Okay, I’ll try to refrain, but only if you can promise me that when the too-sexy-for-her-own-good Megan Flexx wraps her arms around you in a hug, you won’t enjoy the feel of it.”
“Shit. That woman’s got nothing on you.”
“Exactly. Neither does Sam on you.” She pointed to the laptop.
Jake clicked the icon, and a few seconds later Emily’s big brown eyes were staring back at them. She squealed and jumped up and down.
“Emily!” her mother called from behind her.
“Hi, you guys!” Emily waved like she hadn’t seen them in years. Jake’s mother peered over her shoulder.
“Hi, guys. Love you,” his mother said.
“Hi,” Jake and Fiona said at the same time.
Wes peeked in from the side.
Crashing Into Love Page 25
