by Jordan Ford
Of course Savannah would figure that out without me telling her. What surprises me most is that she never mentioned it to me, and she didn’t try to fix it like I assumed she would.
I wonder how long she’s known for.
Probably the fact that I haven’t seen or spoken about Johanna in weeks is a good clue, as well as the fact that she’s no doubt seen Jo-Jo at school with her new friends and not me.
So why didn’t she ask me about it?
Probably because you would have yelled in her face and screamed at her to leave you alone and stop mothering you.
My swallow is thick with guilt. I don’t know why I always take my crap out on her. Maybe it’s because she’s so often the closest target, the easiest one to aim for. It’s not fair, but sometimes I just can’t control the emotions storming through me. I’d never in a million years yell at anyone else, so why my sister? Because deep down I know she’ll love me in spite of it?
Ugh. I’m horrible!
My tender eyes burn with even more tears. I grab a tissue and press it into my sockets, willing the tears away. I should be dried up by now. I don’t want to cry anymore. It’s exhausting!
Thank God Dad’s letting me have a mental health day. I’m so incredibly grateful for it.
I haven’t wanted to leave my room, so Dad brought me breakfast in bed before he left about ten minutes ago. Savannah and Louis disappeared without even saying goodbye.
The house is now empty, just the way I like it.
I venture downstairs to make myself some hot chocolate. The sounds in the kitchen seem loud and echoey, and the comfort of being alone doesn’t feel as good as it usually does. My fight with Savannah yesterday really sucked. I can’t get it out of my head. Just like I can’t stop thinking about that near car accident.
The microwave beeps and I pull out the steaming mug, then grab some snacks out of the pantry and walk up the stairs with my arms loaded.
Thankfully it’s Friday, so I have three school-free days before I have to interact with the world again.
I can hide in my room all weekend if I really want to.
But do I really want to?
With a sad sigh, I place my mug on the desk and drop my armload of junk food on the bed, then stare down at the chips, cookies and candy bars. I’m going to feel so gross after eating all of this, but I don’t care.
Snatching a Three Musketeers bar, I rip it open and take a huge bite out of it. The chocolate tastes delicious and sweet, but it does nothing to settle my frayed nerves.
I got myself so worked up over Mom yesterday that I lost all control. Sobbing like that was kind of ridiculous, but I felt like scrambled eggs, beaten and bruised into this sticky yellow mess. I just couldn’t stop crying.
I’m not usually that dramatic, so it can’t have just been her loss that was making me feel so awful. It was a culmination of things, I guess.
Jace flitters through my mind.
His ashen expression after the car spun out. He felt so bad. I wish I could tell him that it’s okay, but I’ve got this weird feeling he’s going to keep his distance now.
That hurts.
I don’t want him to keep his distance. The second I heard his voice calling through the rain, my heart jumped in my chest, trilling with excitement.
But then came the near accident.
And the silence that followed.
Then Savannah going off on me in the laundry room just made everything a million times worse.
My heart is fracturing on multiple levels, unearthing shallow wounds. Tormenting me with all the loss I’ve faced so far in my life. Confusing me about what I really want.
This year has been so hard, with Johanna ditching me out of the blue, and then meeting Jace and even Reed.
Bass has been the only constant through it all, but even then I’ve been unsure of him at times. Unsure how I should feel and who my heart belongs to.
“It’s him,” I whisper, trying to reassure myself.
I turn and stare at my computer, taking another bite of chocolate and slowly chewing it. Then I drop the candy bar on the bed and lurch toward my desk. Lifting the lid of my laptop, I quickly pull up a fresh email and start typing before I lose my nerve.
I know what I want.
What I need.
Sender: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I’m ready
____________________
Hey Bass,
I know I’ve been ignoring your request to meet. I guess it just kind of freaked me out on a bunch of different levels.
What if you don’t like me?
What if you see me and are disappointed?
What if when we’re face-to-face we can’t find our words?
What if what we have gets ruined?
But yesterday I had that freaky moment where my life kind of swerved in front of me for a second. It was only a moment. See, I was nearly in a car accident yesterday. When the car was spinning around and I didn’t know when it was going to stop, I had that second of “Is this it?”
A little part of me was ready. You know, because then I’d get to see my mom again.
But another part of me wasn’t.
And maybe that’s because of you.
If I die now, I’ll never ever get to see your face.
By the way, please don’t freak out. In retrospect, we were nowhere near having some kind of fatal accident. Everything was fine. No one even got hurt.
But it’s torn me up. I can’t even put into words everything I’m feeling.
All I know is that as I sit here, trying to work out everything in my frazzled brain, one thought continues to pound louder than all the rest. Life is short and unpredictable. And if I love you the way I think I do, then we should meet.
You have my heart, Bass.
And I can’t keep being afraid. I want to meet you. I need to meet you.
Maybe when we’re face-to-face, we’ll know for sure if this is all real.
I’ll look at you. You’ll look at me.
And we’ll know.
Then we can either cling tight to each other…or let go.
So here it is:
My name is Scarlett Louise Green. People call me Lettie, and I live in Ryder Bay, California.
Where do you live?
Let’s make this happen.
xx
S
39
There’s Only One Thing to Do
JACE
Trying to concentrate at school was basically impossible today.
All I could think about was planning my big getaway.
My only major problem is the money. I’m not afraid to hitch a ride somewhere, and I’m not afraid to spend a night sleeping outside if I have to, but it’d be good to have some cash to live off for a few weeks. Just until I find a place to stay for a while, and a job.
It makes me wish I’d been working all along.
I should have had a job, like Hayes, for months now, but Mom never insisted on it, and I’ve been a lazy jackass. Now I’m left with only one option: borrow (without asking) some money from Denee and Marshall. The weekly allowance my mom has been transferring into my bank account won’t be enough for what I’ve got planned, so I really have no other choice.
Once I’ve earned the money back, I can return it to them via mail or something.
Hopefully they keep some cash in their wallets, or maybe I can take one of their credit cards, use it in one hit to stock up on supplies, and then ditch it. I’ve watched enough cop shows to know things can be traced. I’m going to have to be smart about this.
As I walk into the house, I wonder how I’m supposed to pull off a theft when I’m stopped short by Denee, who rises from the table the second I appear.
Her hands land on her hips, and I know I’m in for it.
I’ve never really seen Denee super pissed, but I’m guessing this is it. And it looks kind of bad.
I strain for sounds of Mars
hall but can’t hear him in the house. At least he won’t come thundering in to back her up. Being double-teamed is never fun. I’ve had plenty of experience, so I should know.
“Do you want to explain to me what happened yesterday afternoon?”
“Uh…” I start playing with the zipper of my hoodie. Up. Down. Up. Down. I focus on the sound of the metal teeth while scrambling for something to say.
Who the hell told on me?
Dammit. Griffin.
I scowl and clench my jaw.
“A near accident, with two girls in the car. Jace! What were you thinking?”
“It wasn’t my fault.” I stretch my arms wide. “This car just pulled onto the road without looking. I had to swerve to avoid it, and with the wet roads, I spun out. No one got hurt.”
“You’re on your provisional license, which means you’re not allowed to have passengers unless an adult is with you. Plus, you were speeding.” She points at me. “It could have ended so badly.”
I wish I could deny it, but I can’t. I’ve always been a fast driver. I like the speed. And dammit, it nearly got Lettie killed.
“It’s not just that.” Denee sighs. “I asked you to do me a favor and you didn’t.”
“I couldn’t just leave those girls in the rain.”
“I get that, and it’s nice that you wanted to help them out, but, Jace, you have got to start taking responsibility for your actions. You should have told us what happened. Instead I had to find out when my back tire popped driving to work this morning. It got damaged when you hit the curb, and it’s lucky I didn’t end up spinning out of control.”
I swallow and cringe.
“Thankfully Griffin was with me and he filled me in on what happened, apologizing for not checking the car for me. He was annoyed with himself for not trying to look after me better. For keeping your secret so that you wouldn’t get in trouble.” Her pained frown tells me just how disappointed she is.
I should have been the one fessing up last night. I didn’t even think about checking the car for damage. It drove fine afterward. It didn’t occur to me that anything might be wrong with it.
Denee lets out another heavy sigh, pressing her fingers against her mouth as if she’s fighting tears or something.
I stand next to the table, wanting to flee to my room but knowing that won’t fly. I just have to wait it out.
Her curls rustle as she shakes her head, obviously needing, but maybe not wanting, to say what she’s about to. “Listen, Jace…” Another sigh. “Marshall and I are trying to help you. But you have to help yourself too. I don’t want to give you another strike, okay? I don’t want you to be sent to military school, but…” Her shoulders deflate. “Maybe that’s exactly what you need. A little discipline. A little self-control.”
My nostrils flare and I’m torn between falling to my knees to beg or shouting at her to stay out of my life. Curling my fingers into fists, I try to quell the rage of emotions tearing through me.
Running away is seriously my only option.
I have to get out of here.
I have to get out tonight.
Denee lets out another long sigh, running her fingers into her mass of curls and fisting a handful. “Look, why don’t you just go cool off in your room? I’m going to take a shower soon, and then you can come out and help me prepare dinner.” Her smile is sad and kind of distant, like maybe she’s finally giving up on me.
It hurts worse than I thought it would.
As I leave for my room, the angst inside of me builds to suffocating. I close the door and pace from my desk to my bed to the door and then back again, feeling like a caged tiger. I want to pounce, jump, do something dangerous. My limbs are vibrating while I try to deny myself that need. The need to be reckless. That need for an adrenaline rush that will kill the agitation for just a moment.
But where did that get me last time?
“With a broken best friend, you moron,” I whisper bitterly.
Plunking into my chair, I squeeze the bridge of my nose and try to think. If Denee’s about to get in the shower, maybe I can check her wallet and split. Or I could check her wallet, take what I need, and then split when everyone is sleeping.
The thought doesn’t exactly thrill me.
It’s like I want to run, but I don’t.
Scratch that.
I have to run.
If I really think about it, I don’t want to leave this place. In spite of Denee’s lecture, I really like that chick. She’s cool. This house is cool. My new friends are pretty cool. And then there’s Lettie. My little Snap Dragon.
Damn, I’m gonna crave her when I’m gone.
I know I will.
“But what other choice do you have?” I mutter. “You’re a danger to everyone around you.”
If anything, running away will be a selfless act. Something good I can do for people.
The thought of the worry I’ll cause flitters through the back of my mind, but I brush it aside. Ultimately, none of these people need me. They might worry, but they’ll get over it. They’ll be better off…
My thoughts trail away when I open my eyes and stare at my computer.
A frown wrinkles my forehead, and I double-tap the space bar before I can stop myself.
And there it is.
An email from Snap Dragon.
I shouldn’t check it.
But I can’t help myself. Especially when I read the subject line—Re: I’m ready.
Opening the message, I soak in the words and end with a shocked gasp.
She told me her name.
She wants to meet.
My heart starts pounding, my insides dancing with excitement as I hit Reply.
“Scarlett.” I smile as I start to type.
Sender: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I’m ready
____________________
Hey Scarlett,
Is that what the S really stands for? I’ve been thinking about you as Snap or Snap Dragon for so long, but now I know your name.
Trust me when I tell you that I will not be disappointed when we meet. I know it.
I know it because…
Well, you’re probably not going to believe this, but I live in Ryder Bay too.
I don’t want to tell you who I am over email, but we know each other, and I can’t wait to walk up to your door and tell you exactly who I am. I want you to see my face as I take your hand, and just know it in your heart. A part of me is hoping you’ve already figured it out, my little snap dragon.
I’ll see you soon.
xx
B
My finger hovers over the mouse. Do I press Send?
Do I really do this?
I’m about to split, but how can I go when the chance to tell Lettie who I am is right there?
I can’t just leave her hanging.
I can’t ignore her email and not reply.
I have to send this and then go see her.
I’ll confess everything to her face, and then I’ll kiss her goodbye. She’ll understand why I have to leave. And she won’t be left in the dark, wondering why Bass just disappeared off the face of the earth.
This is the nicest way I can think to do it.
It’ll hurt like hell to walk away from her, but it’s for the best.
Holding my breath, I hit Send, then lurch out of my seat. The shower isn’t running yet, so I have to do that painful, impatient pacing. Denee really makes me wait it out. What the hell is she doing? I thought she said she was having a shower soon. I press my ear against the door and can hear her puttering in the kitchen.
Dammit.
Running a hand over my head, I start to pace again, my steps growing more frantic the longer I’m doing it. I’m getting super close to climbing out the window when finally I think I hear the pipes above my room start to whine.
Cracking open the door, I strain for noises from the bathroom and can confirm that th
e shower is running. Now’s my chance. If I want to get to Lettie’s house, I’m gonna have to borrow Denee’s car.
Sneaking into her room, I spot her purse on the edge of the bed and rummage through it, snatching out the keys and eyeing her wallet for a second. Do I check it now?
The shower clunks off. Damn, that was fast. Leaving the wallet, I dash out the door, sneaking to Denee’s car and hoping she doesn’t hear the engine starting.
The fan is blowing in the bathroom, so maybe I’ll get away with it.
With a cautious wince, I hop in and start the car, reversing onto the street and racing to Lettie’s house. I’ll just have to explain my actions to Denee when I get home.
I’m not scared about the military school threat, because I won’t be here when they want to send me. All I know is that I have to do this one last thing before I go.
40
Easy vs. Complicated
LETTIE
My inbox dings and I lurch off my bed, dropping my book without even putting a bookmark in it. I can find the page again later. Right now, all that matters is getting an email from Bass.
I’ve been waiting all freaking day for one.
“Please be him. Please be him,” I whisper.
A couple of false alarms earlier in the day have ripped me up. I usually care what my favorite authors are up to. I devour their newsletters. But not today. Today Bass is all that matters.
I see his handle and a breath catches in my throat.
This is it.
With trembling fingers, I click it open and rush through what he has to say.
