“No,” I tell her again. She said it in the car and I shut that shit down. But she won’t look at me. She doesn’t believe me.
“I don’t understand. Why?” She still doesn’t look at me, and I hate it. What we had was pure. But now it’s tainted with doubt.
“I've told you repeatedly I won’t hurt you.” She finally looks at me, but I can tell she doesn’t believe me.
“Come here, kitten,” I hold out my arms for her. She just needs my touch. I’ll keep her safe. Vince can go fuck himself. They all can. I’ll run away with her if I have to.
She looks at me, but takes a step back.
“I said come here.” I take a step forward and she turns her back on me to run. She’s defying me. She’s running from me. It only takes three strides until my arms are wrapped around her small body and she’s shrieking for me to let her go.
It hurts. It fucking kills me.
I walk to the basement with her struggling in my arms. She flails and kicks. She yells and cusses as I take her down the stairs. I almost drop her as I enter in the code. She’s fighting me. She hates me. I know she does. My heart hurts, but I ignore it. I hold on to the anger. I hate that she thinks I’m lying to her. I’ve done nothing but tell her the truth. I will take care of her. She needs to calm down and listen. She has to listen to me.
I open the door to her cell and she looks up at me with anger and then betrayal in her large brown eyes. She needs to learn she can never question me. She’ll learn.
She shakes her head and backs away from me as I stand in the doorway. Her body language and the look in her eyes make my heart squeeze with pain.
“You will obey me.” I say the words with force, but they’re choked. She looks back with defiance in her eyes. I don’t recognize her, and she doesn’t recognize me.
What we had is gone and I wish I could take it back. I hate Vince. I hate myself.
* * *
I watch in the monitor as she huddles into a ball on the concrete floor. Hard sobs rock through her small body, making her look weak and fragile. I know she’s not at all weak. But she’s become reliant on my approval and I know this hurts her.
I’ve seen this before. I’ve only had two subs before who thought they’d enjoy a complete power exchange.
They think they want to be told what to do. And they think they’ll be able to listen, and be rewarded and pampered. But there always comes a time when the desire to obey is challenged too far. The desire can be lost over some concept of degradation or pride, or an issued command can simply be too far outside their comfort zone. Submissives have to learn to trust that everything their dom does is for their benefit. Doubt and lack of trust are the real issues.
Susan and Cassie were sweet girls. But when it came time to push them, it ended up like this. It would have never worked with them anyway. They cried and then left me. The only difference here is that Catherine can’t leave me. Instead she’ll hate me.
She doesn’t trust me. I pace my room, not knowing what to do. I can’t leave her in there to think about leaving me. Her cries ring out from the monitors and I walk quickly to turn them off. I can’t take it.
It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I don’t think about anything other than what I want. And right now I want to comfort her. I want her in my bed. I need her in my arms. I take the stairs two at a time until I’m at her door. No more locks. She’ll learn to trust me. I’ll do anything I can to prove it to her. She just needs to stay with me.
Stay with me.
I walk into the room with purpose, but she doesn’t lift her head. I scoop up her body into my arms and hold her to my chest. I rock her gently and pet her back and her hair. Just holding her calms the beast pacing within me. She needs me, and I need her. That’s all that matters. Doesn’t she know that? She’s all I need. I kiss her hair, but she doesn’t look up. I walk us slowly to my room, but I don’t even know if she notices.
I try to kiss her, but she shoves me away. I hold her closer to me, but she tells me, “No.” She won’t let me in. I watch her deny me over and over as she sheds her pain in my arms.
I want to make love to her and show her what she means to me. But I feel like I’ve already lost her. My need to control her was wrong. I shouldn’t have punished her. It’s my fault. I hold her close to me as she cries herself to sleep.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into her ear as her shoulders gently shake. “Please forgive me.” She doesn’t respond and I don’t know if it’s because she never will, or if she’s fallen asleep.
I hold onto her as tight as I can and watch her. That security I’ve had since I first laid eyes on her is gone. I look down and I know I’ve lost her.
I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat. I don’t know if I can make this right. I don’t see how it’s possible to move forward. I’ve broken her trust. I need her to forgive me, but I know she won’t.
Catherine
I can hear his steady heartbeat and feel his warm body against my back. We fit together perfectly, and that very thought frightens me to the core. My heart hurts as I try to ignore it. But this isn’t right. I’m not okay. I’m falling in love with a man who’s taken me against my will. These feelings can’t be real. I need to leave. I have to get the fuck out of here before I lose what little sanity of I have left. Before he kills me.
I slowly move away from him and hate myself. I watch him sleeping peacefully and I have to cover my mouth to keep the sob from coming up and waking him. If I don’t leave now, I may never have another chance. And I know I have to leave.
I walk as quickly and quietly as I can. I remember him leaving the keys in the dining room. I know it’s a risk trying to leave. He could come down here. He could take me back upstairs by force, or he could lock me away in the cell, and part of me hopes he does. I’m sick for having these thoughts, and I know it. But I use the knowledge that his familia won’t keep me safe to motivate me. I summon my strength and force my limbs to move and go to the door. I take one last look around, gripping the frame and try to keep down the sickness threatening to come up.
I can’t even take anything with me, because it’s all locked in a room I don’t have a code for. If that’s not a fucking sign that this was never real, I don’t know what is.
Rain beats against my skin and thin clothes as I run to the car. My heart pangs sporadically and I don’t know if it’s from the pain or the fear.
What hurts the most is knowing I would have stayed. I never would have questioned him. What we had was fucked up. But it was my fucked up fairytale come true. I loved him. I know I still do.
Tears cloud my vision and I brush them away, shoving the keys into the ignition. I look over my shoulder and hate the pain growing in my chest. I’m leaving him. I don’t want to, but a small part of me is saying if I don’t leave him now, I never will. Is it so wrong? I can’t answer the question. “Forgive me,” I whisper as I put the car in reverse and turn the wheel.
I don’t care if it’s wrong, I fucking loved him. Even knowing he was going to kill me, I still love him and all his broken pieces.
I wipe the bastard tears from my eyes and sniffle as I speed away. I’ve left him. He’s the only man I’ve ever truly loved, and I’ve left him. The car swerves and I fight the steering wheel in the rain to stay on the road. I try to steady my breath as a pain radiates in my chest.
In two turns, I’m out of the development and onto the busy road. It’s late. It’s nearly deserted, with just three cars parked at the front of the entrance.
I had to go, didn’t I? I’m not safe with him. I shake my head in denial. He’d keep me safe, but he’d have to fight the world to keep me. I feel so torn and so confused. I hit the brakes and turn off the side of the road. I let the tears consume me.
I know I need to keep going. I need to run as fast as I can. He’s going to find me if I stay here. The thought brings me more comfort than anything else. Maybe I’m sick. Maybe the feelings I have aren’t healthy. But I hold on to them
so I can calm myself. As I look in my rear-view mirror I spot the three cars from earlier driving toward me. None of the cars have their headlights on.
Something triggers inside of me and I quickly put the car into drive and hit the gas. As I speed up, so do they.
My heart beats in my chest with a fear I haven’t felt in so long. They’ve found me. I swallow thickly and search the cars for a face. I don’t know if it’s the Valettis or the Cassanos, but as I make a sharp right and see them follow me, I know it’s one or the other. I wish I could turn around and drive back to him. To Anthony. I wish he were here. I wish he could save me.
He would save me.
Out of instinct, I yell for Anthony. Tears fall down my face. No! I hit the gas harder and the back end of the car swerves. I try to straighten the wheel as my hands grip the leather and I pull to the right, but the car spins out, and in a blur my body smashes to the side. My head smacks against the wheel and my body falls limp. My hand touches my forehead and I look down at my fingers only to see blood. My vision spins and my breath feels hollow, but I have to run. I unbuckle the seatbelt and prepare to run. I have to run. I have to fight.
As my hand grips the handle, the door opens and I look up to see a sick smile from the last person I ever want to see.
“My little mouse came back to me.” I hear his words, followed by the smash of his fist against the side of my temple. I’m vaguely aware that he’s gripping my hair and pulling me out of the car, but I can’t move my legs. Slowly, darkness overwhelms me, and I lose the battle to stay awake.
Anthony
I push the curtain back and watch her drive away. I see her look over her shoulder with one last glance at the house, and it kills me not to run out and get her. I couldn’t move as I felt her stir next to me and leave me. I knew that’s what she was doing, and it took all of me to lie still and let her go free.
I knew she’d leave me. I was a fool to think I could have her. I was wrong to think she’d be safe with me.
She needs to leave me. I can’t protect her. I need to let her go. She doesn’t love me, and Vince will never let me keep her if she doesn’t love me back.
They’ll never understand.
If I could tell her anything right now, I’d tell her to run. Run far away from me.
It hurts. The pain in my chest hurts so fucking much as I watch the car disappear.
She left me. I really thought it was love in her eyes.
Mom. I thought she loved me too.
When Dad killed her in front of me to get rid of the fear and the nightmares, she cried out how much she loved me. I thought that was love, too.
Maybe I’m wrong and I just don’t know what love is.
If love is what’s causing this pain, I don’t want it. But I still want her. Fuck me, I do. I want to lie to myself and think that we can be together in this fucked up way and that the world will leave us alone. But I can’t put her in danger. I’ve been selfish and stupid, and I fucking hate that I ever took her the way I did. At the same time, she’s all I want. If I could go back upstairs and keep her lying in bed with me, I would. If I had to lock her up and never let her out again, I would. That’s only more reason that I need to stay here and let her go. She deserves so much more than a man like me.
I sit outside in the rain, letting it soak through my clothes, just thinking about how I should have let her go right from the start. I should have let her go free. I thought I made her happy though. I thought she wanted the same things I wanted. But I was wrong.
I hear a car swerve in the distance and my heart starts pounding in my chest. I run inside for the keys to my pickup truck and haul ass as fast as I can. It can’t be her. I pray she’s okay. It takes too fucking long to get there. I’ll save her. She needs me. I’ll protect her. I slow the car as I see skid marks, but there’s nothing there. It looks like a car crashed, but then drove off.
I stay at the scene for a long time, thinking it wasn’t her. It wasn’t my kitten.
She’s left me and now she’s safe. She’s better off without me. I wish I had a way to track her to know for sure. Again, another reason she needs to run from me.
The pain won’t go away.
I can’t get rid of this hurt in my chest. I just know something’s wrong.
I close my eyes and shake my head. It’s all in my head. I’m only hurting because she left me. I’m looking for reasons to search her out. It’s my own sickness.
I need to let her go. I settle on that truth as I drive back home. But I can’t sleep. When the sun filters through the curtains and my phone pings a few hours later, I reach for it like it was meant to go off.
I expect it to be my kitten. I don’t know how, but I do. All night I’ve waited up, hoping she’d come back to me.
I stare at the phone and I fucking hate myself. I click it off and move as quick as I can.
Cassys want a meet.
I know why. And I’m ready to end this. They’re all fucking dead.
Anthony
I can’t stop pacing. It’s not a fucking coincidence that the night she left we got a call for this meetup. We’re supposed to meet at the garage in an hour. It’s not right. Something’s horribly wrong. She’s not okay. I can feel it. My girl’s not okay.
“Vince, it can’t just be us two,” I say. I know this is a setup. It’s not just going to be Marcus there wanting to clarify the situation. There’s more to this, and I know it deep down in my gut. He texted Vince to come meet with him, and later asked to bring me along. But I know this is a trap. I fucking know it.
“We can’t trust them,” I tell him again.
“What the fuck, Anthony?” Tommy asks me for the fourth fucking time.
I just shake my head. “It’s not good. It’s not going to be good.”
Vince has been watching me like a fucking hawk. I haven’t told him yet.
We’re all here and I haven’t said shit, but I can’t shake this feeling. I need to tell them.
“Let me go in first,” I finally speak up and look back at Vince.
He doesn’t answer.
“You’re freaking me out, Anthony,” Tommy says, grabbing my arm.
“You couldn’t fucking listen!” Vince yells out, and it gets the attention of everyone. The air is thick with tension.
“You know I wasn’t going to.” I can’t reach his eyes. I know I fucked up, but I need him right now. I can’t let them hurt her. Not her. She didn’t do anything wrong. She can’t pay for my sins.
“What the fuck is going on?” Tommy asks with a pain that breaks through his words. He’s worried. He’s worried for me and it’s all my fault.
“They have her; I know it.” I say just above a whisper.
“Catherine?” Tommy asks, confused. It breaks my heart to know I’ve betrayed him. I betrayed all of them.
“Why? Why would they do that?” Tommy asks.
“War. It’s the start of war.” I answer him with pain in my chest.
“What’d you do?” Tommy demands to know as he shakes my shoulders, and I have to look him in the eyes, but I still can’t tell him.
“Catherine’s a rat. She’s supposed to be dead.” Vince answers over my shoulder and Tommy’s grip loosens until his arms fall to his side. He looks at me like it can’t be true. But it is.
“She had no choice.” I try to defend her. They have to believe her; they have to believe me. She needs me. She’s mine.
“This is over Catherine?” Tommy asks with doubt.
“She’s mine,” I say with finality. A look of hurt flashes in my brother’s eyes. He doesn’t understand. They’ll never understand.
“You fucking bought her as a slave--” I understand Vince’s anger, but I don’t need it right now. I need him on my side. I need my familia to help me get her back. I need her. I need her right fucking now.
“I don’t care if you don’t understand. None of you ever understand me. That doesn’t make me any less family. If I say she’s mine, then she’s fucking m
ine,” I growl out.
“If she’s yours, then how did they get her?” Vince steps up to me like he knows. Like he already knows that she left me. But that makes no difference to me. I let her go because I love her, and I’ll save her because I love her. Even if she doesn’t love me back.
“She left me.”
Tommy grips his hair like he can’t believe this shit. I hear the men walking around us, waiting on their orders, even though they already made up their minds. No one fucks with us. They mess with one of us, they fuck with all of us. The only thing that would hold them back is if Vince told them not to.
“You didn’t let her go?” Vince asks with disbelief.
“I watched her leave me. She needed to.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I add, “But I know they have her. I know they found her.” He looks at me with doubt and then nods slightly.
Vince looks past me and addresses the familia. “It doesn’t matter what started it. Get your guns ready, boys, and call for the rest of ‘em.” I nod my head. Thank fuck. Thank fuck I have a real chance to save her, if they didn’t already kill her.
“Anthony,” Vince says to get my attention. I look up at him. “We’re going in first.” I put my hand on his shoulder before he has a chance to move away. I lean in and give him a quick hug. He's shocked, and it takes him a moment, but he pats me on the back in return.
I don’t let him go. “I have to save her, Vince.” I pull back to look him in the eyes. “She can’t die. I can’t let her die.” His brow furrows with confusion and I know I’m not getting through to him. He doesn’t have to understand. He just has to give me his word.
“Don’t be stupid--” he starts to answer me, but I cut him off.
“If it’s between the two of us, save her. I can’t let her die,” I say.
That’s the moment his look changes.
He gives me a small nod, and only then do I release him.
Those Boys Are Trouble: Valetti Crime Family Box Set Page 78
