He pushed from the chair on his back deck and paced, as he’d been doing all morning. How could she have demeaned herself like this?
Even after watching the videos, he couldn’t reconcile the Lizzie he knew with the seductress on the videos. His Lizzie was seductive and sexy, but the woman on the videos brought it to a whole new level. Or maybe brought it to a whole new low. All those muffins and treats she’d left for him in the mornings were just leftovers from the dirty shows she’d taped the night before, made for the enjoyment of some other guys. And not just some other guys, but probably thousands of perverted guys.
How did she live with that? How could she uphold such a wholesome image in her daily life and slip into this other persona at night?
And why?
He still couldn’t wrap his mind around the why of it. He should have let her explain, but he couldn’t have listened to another word last night if his life had depended on it.
He stormed into the cabin and headed for the bedroom, stopping cold in the doorway. He couldn’t look at the bed without seeing Lizzie lying beneath him, looking up at him like he was her everything. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to move across the floor to the dresser. Yanking open the top drawer, he took out the notes she’d left for him over the last few weeks and clenched his fist around them. He wanted to burn every last one of them, to rid himself of her memory. He strode into the kitchen and turned on the gas stove, clutching the notes over the flame. The heat seared his shaking fingers.
“Damn it!” He threw them on the kitchen floor and turned off the flame, unable to burn them. Burning them wouldn’t change a damn thing. He loved her more than life itself, and he didn’t want a fucking empty memory. He wanted Lizzie, but he had no idea how to deal with this shit.
His cell phone rang and he pulled it out. Trish’s smiling face flashed on the screen. She was in Los Angeles. What the hell was wrong that she’d call at this ungodly hour?
“Hey,” he answered sharply.
“Whoa, B. Are you okay?” Trish asked.
“Yeah, sorry. What’s up, sis? Something wrong?”
“No. I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about Cash and Siena. What did you get them as a gift?”
“You’re thinking of gifts? What time is it there?”
She sighed, and he knew something was wrong. He rose to his feet, his protective urges surging forth.
“Trish? What’s wrong?”
He hated that she lived so far away from him and his siblings.
“Nothing.”
He exhaled loudly. “I suck at this figure-it-out shit. You know that. Do I need to come out there and kick the shit out of some asshole?”
She laughed. “No. God, B. I can do that myself.”
“Then what’s going on? And don’t shrug, because you know I can’t hear that.” They both shrugged when they were on the phone and it drove their siblings crazy.
She laughed again. “I’ve been working on this film night and day and just realized that I haven’t gotten them a gift, and I need to get them something.”
“Well, I suck too, because I haven’t gotten them anything either. Call Gage. He always gets shit like this done. He can hook us both up.”
“Oh, great idea. He’ll figure something out for sure.”
If only his problems were so easily solved.
“Duke told me that you’re dating someone. Are you bringing her to the wedding?” She sounded more like herself now.
His chest tightened with the memory of asking Lizzie to go with him to the wedding. She had to have known how he would react once she revealed her secret. Why would she agree to go?
“I’m not sure.”
As much as he enjoyed chatting with his sister, he wasn’t in the mood for talking right now. Hell, he wasn’t in the mood for anything right now, except maybe beating the shit out of something. But he had a commitment to fulfill, and he wasn’t about to be the guy who blew off his commitments. He ended the call with Trish, took a cold shower to wake himself up after not sleeping all night, and drove over to Lizzie’s. Maybe they could talk through this so he could better understand why she’d done it.
He arrived to an empty driveway again, and he was disappointed and relieved in equal measure. Walking into her house was unsettling. He realized, as he stood in her kitchen, that from the very first day he’d begun working on her renovations, he’d hoped they’d come together. How could everything feel so right between two people when one of them was hiding something so big?
How could they ever move past this? He wanted to. God, how he wanted to. He loved her so damn much, but he was hurt. Stunned and hurt that she had waited to tell him.
He set his tools down and caught sight of the picture they’d painted together hanging on the wall in the living room. He crossed the room in a daze and stood in front of the painting. Though he was staring at the image they’d painted, he saw Lizzie’s face, the light in her eyes when they’d gone to the festival, the way her smile radiated straight to his heart when they were dancing, and the raw sensuality she exuded when they were making out behind the stage. And then the image of her crying as she told him about her webcast and the devastation he’d heard in her voice. His heart shattered in his chest, but that wasn’t the worst of it, as his thoughts turned to her sexy lists.
Did they stem from the same place as the Naked Baker? Had she shared those with the world, too?
Chapter Sixteen
LIZZIE CHECKED HER cell phone for the millionth time. She hadn’t heard from Blue all day. He hadn’t responded to the text she’d sent in the morning apologizing for hurting him, and she was left to think the worst. Not that she thought he would reach out to her, but that didn’t stop her from jumping every time her cell phone rang or vibrated with a text—and it didn’t stop her heart from shattering with every disappointment. She closed her shop at seven to prepare for the string garden class that she wished she could cancel, but she wasn’t about to let down the three people who had signed up for it. It wasn’t their fault she’d messed up her life.
She fired up her computer to check the email she hadn’t taken the time to check last night. If she didn’t check the Naked Baker emails often, they became too overwhelming to face. Not that she wanted to face them now. Even thinking about the program made her want to quit doing it. And that was a thought Maddy couldn’t afford for her to have. Her eyes trailed down the list of senders. She froze when Sky knocked on the front door. She’d been avoiding Sky all day, knowing that her friend would see right through the mask of pleasantries she’d gotten away with in front of customers.
Hoping she’d go away, she returned her attention to the computer screen, as if she hadn’t heard Sky knocking.
Sky knocked again. “Lizzie! Open the door!”
She reluctantly headed for the door, contemplating ways to get her friend to go away without being rude. She was afraid to talk with Sky for too long, knowing she’d likely break down and tell her the whole sordid mess. She had a class to run, and the last thing she needed was to do it with tears in her eyes. Plus, she knew how close Sky and Blue were, and if he’d already told Sky what had happened, then she’d have to deal with that, too.
She unlocked the door and immediately averted her gaze from Sky’s to keep Sky from reading the emotions in her eyes.
“I’ve been trying to catch up with you all day,” Sky complained. “You haven’t answered my texts, and when I saw you walking back from the bakery, you must not have heard me calling you.”
“I’m sorry.” Lizzie headed back to her computer and focused on her email. “I’ve just been really swamped today.” Sidetracked by a broken heart. She sifted through emails, and one caught her eye from the Food Channel Network, a cable television station. She clicked on it and skimmed the message, which asked for information about the legal owner of the show. Sky leaned uncomfortably close to the computer, and Lizzie closed the laptop, making a mental note to revisit the email after teaching her class.
&
nbsp; “I was wondering if you and Blue wanted to join us for a barbecue over at Pete’s tonight.”
At least she had a good excuse not to go. “I wish I could, but I have a string garden class in a few minutes. Speaking of which, I’d better get ready.” She walked to the front of the store, hoping Sky would take the hint and follow, which she did.
“Okay. Maybe this weekend we can get together for a double date?” she asked as Lizzie unlocked the door.
Not likely. Her heart ached with the thought. “I’m so swamped. I didn’t get my inventory done the other night, so I’m not sure. Can we play it by ear?”
“Sure,” Sky said as Lizzie opened the door.
“Thanks for the offer, but I better…” Lizzie pointed to the back of the store.
Sky pushed the door open. “Are you okay?” She lowered her voice. “Is Blue waiting in the back for you?”
I wish. “No, but I do have a class to get ready for. I’ll stop by in the morning, okay?”
“You better. Are you sure you’re okay? You look really tired.”
“It’s just been a long day.” Lizzie thanked her for worrying about her and locked the door behind Sky, then leaned her back against the door, feeling the sting of fresh tears in her eyes. Clearly Blue hadn’t told Sky anything yet. She had no idea if that was good or bad. She couldn’t even begin to think clearly. How could anything be good right now?
She set out the supplies for her class moments before the three people who had signed up arrived. She pulled her shoulders back, thrust her chin up, and fixed a forced smile into place. One more hour—that’s all she needed to get through—and then she could go home and bury her broken heart in a pound of chocolate.
Lizzie threw herself into the class, hoping it would help ease the ache of missing Blue. She loved making string gardens, and while she wasn’t able to lose herself in making them as she’d hoped, answering questions and helping the others learn how to properly create the unique gardens was a good distraction.
She stood before Julie and Mike, the couple that had signed up earlier in the week, and Claudia, a twentysomething blonde, and said, “The first step is to knock the soil free from the roots of the plant.” She had to admit that knocking the soil from the roots of the plants was sort of cathartic.
Claudia pulled her plant carefully from the pot and shook it. Julie and Mike did the same, while passing loving glances. Lizzie tried to ignore the jealousy spiking her adrenaline.
“Sometimes the roots wrap themselves into the pot, and if that’s the case with yours, gently scrunch them and massage the soil loose.” If only she could massage away the mess her life had become.
“Once you’ve freed the roots from most of the soil, dip them in the bucket of room-temperature water on the table.” She watched Julie and Mike smile at each other as they dipped their plants in water, and she imagined doing that with Blue—sharing a smile. Would they ever smile at each other again? Or would he forever see her as a tramp that pranced around in an apron and heels for strangers?
“I think mine got too wet.” Claudia held up her plant and frowned as the sopping-wet dirt plopped to the table.
“No worries. I always keep extras close by just in case.” Lizzie helped her free the dirt and roots of a second plant, then showed her how to wet the roots without saturating them so much that they were unmanageable. There was something therapeutic about getting her hands dirty, and she realized as they laughed about the roots looking like worms that she was smiling after all.
“Now we’re going to wrap the moss around the roots and squeeze out the excess water.” She showed them how to wrap the moss around the dirt, remembering the first time she’d made a string garden and how she’d felt like she was creating a work of art. She’d been proud of her accomplishment, and as she watched her smiling students, she realized that they were probably feeling the same sense of accomplishment. Pride at being the one to have brought them that joy pushed some of the ache away, and she wondered…Does anyone watch the Naked Baker and actually like to bake? Maybe her entire audience wasn’t made up of perverts after all.
Feeling a little jolt of hope at the thought, she turned her attention back to the class.
“Now we’re going to tie the cotton thread around the roots. Mike, Julie, you can help each other and I’ll help Claudia.” She showed them how to wrap the string around the ball of soil and moss. “Eventually this thread will disintegrate and the roots would spread through the moss and into the soil.”
“Like love.” Julie smiled at Mike. Her long dark hair was tied back in a ponytail. Mike leaned over and gave it a gentle tug before kissing her, while Lizzie’s heart broke anew.
“How is it like love?” Claudia asked as she wrapped more thread around the moss.
“Well, at first love needs your arms around each other.” Julie wrapped her arms around Mike, then she turned to Claudia and said, “But eventually, even if you let go, the love has bound you together on a deeper level, and you know the person you love is always there.” She released Mike, and their bodies remained pressed together.
Or you reveal that you’re not who the other person thinks you are and you crack right down the middle.
Claudia sighed. “I sure hope I find that someday.”
Lizzie felt her throat thickening and tried to quickly get the class back on track. “Okay, let’s get this finished so we don’t run too late.”
She cleared her throat to regain control of her voice, which was trembling with sadness she hoped no one else could hear.
“Now we’re going to take the bonsai and peat moss mixture and shape it into a ball, like this.” She focused on the ball of soil and moss and rounded it out to the size of a small grapefruit. The others did the same.
“Now that we’ve created this wonderful, bonded ball of dirt and moss.” She smiled at Julie. “The ball of love…” Fucking love. Stupid love. Stupid me. “Now we tear it in half and sandwich the roots between the two halves, reshaping the ball around the roots.” Her soil and roots fell apart. Of course they did, like everything else in my life.
“When it falls apart—because just like love, it’s tenuous at best…” She lifted her gaze and saw a horrified look on Julie’s face. She quickly added, “Kidding. I’m kidding. Like love, all you have to do is take a little care and add more of the mixture to bind it together.” She grabbed more soil and patted it into a perfect ball. “See? Now we’ll use the twine I set out beside the sheep moss. This part is tricky. It takes a bit of finesse to hold this part together. We’re going to cover the ball with your sheep moss and secure it with the twine to keep it from falling apart.”
“See? Like love, it takes finesse,” Julie said with a concerned look in her eyes, as if she knew exactly what Lizzie was thinking. “Nothing happens easily. Nothing worth having, anyway—right, Mike?”
“Right, Jules.” He leaned in and kissed her again. “Twine me,” he said, holding up the ball of soil.
Lizzie watched them work together to create a perfectly bonded string garden, and she found herself wishing life could be that easy. In less than an hour they had created a perfect blend of soil, moss, plant, and string—and last night it had taken her only minutes to tear apart the heart of the man she loved.
She forced herself to wrap up the class. “These are pretty simple to keep alive,” she said. “Just fill a bucket with a few cups of water and soak them for ten to fifteen minutes once a week.”
“Won’t it drip all over?” Claudia asked.
Lizzie smiled. “It can get messy, so I don’t suggest that you do this in your kitchen sink. But after you soak it, let the string garden drain in a utility sink until it absorbs all of the water and stops dripping.”
Julie stared at Lizzie as she said, “Just like love, once again. You have to flesh out all the excess baggage to get the good stuff to stick.”
“Are you a marriage counselor?” Lizzie asked as she gathered the buckets.
“No. I’m a high school guid
ance counselor. Kind of the same thing, only the marriages in high school tend to last about a week and end in tears.” Julie reached for Mike’s hand. “The few that last longer are the ones with the messiest sinks.”
***
AFTER WORKING ON Lizzie’s kitchen, Blue drove out to his cottage and worked for a few more hours, hoping to get some of his frustrations out of his system. When that didn’t even make a dent, he drove out to Cahoon Hollow and parked at the edge of the parking lot, thinking about Lizzie and how important she’d become to him. Not a minute passed when he wasn’t thinking of her, wondering what she was doing, how she was feeling. Hell, just last night he’d been imagining a future with her—and he still couldn’t imagine one without her. He’d told her there was nothing he couldn’t handle, and damn if that weren’t true. But this situation was proving to be a monster that wasn’t easily eliminated.
Even though this was different from what he’d experienced with Sarah Jane, it felt painfully similar. Both women had broken his trust.
Why did this hurt a million times more than when he’d caught Sarah Jane with another man? Not only was Lizzie not touching another man, but he’d watched the videos. No one would ever put the bespectacled blond woman together with sweet brunette Lizzie Barber. She’d done a great job of keeping her identity a secret. Blue had even checked Who Is, a website that provides data on the owners of domains, and she’d made all of that information private, too.
He told himself that it shouldn’t matter if she’d kept her identity private or not; she’d still broken his trust. But he knew that was a lie. Everything mattered. Lizzie mattered, damn it, and even though he was hurt and confused, it was Lizzie that still filled his heart and his mind—and it was Lizzie he was worried about now.
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