by Livia Grant
Chapter 3
“Thanks, Bernie,” Carol said as they paid their check and left. She smiled at her friends who were full of what they were all sure was a perfectly brilliant idea. “I have to admit I’m a little nervous about actually asking him,” Carol said as they walked along Cabner Drive towards the housing co-op’s office.
“It’ll be fine,” Jen said. “Strike while the iron’s hot I say. Besides, you’re not asking him if he will be the donor, just if he would ever consider being the donor.”
“That’s pretty much the same thing,” Erin added.
“No, it’s not,” Jen argued.
“Can you hold up a minute please?” Sienna yelled out. She was tottering behind the group in high-wedged heels.
“Why are you wearing those ridiculous heels?” Carol asked.
“I thought I was going out to a leisurely lunch, not a hike!” Sienna grumbled.
“This was your damn idea!” Carol giggled.
“We’re walking off the wine from lunch, Sienna, so we’ll be okay to get the kids.”
“Just take off your shoes, Sienna, please? If I have to do this, it needs to be quick, like ripping off a bandaid,” Carol said.
Sienna’s red hair blew wildly in the breeze as she bent to undo her shoes. “For the greater cause, and for the sake of my feet, I will.”
“I don’t know why you even wear those giant clod hoppers,” Carol said. “You’re already a giant as it is.”
“Only from the perspective of a short person.” She gave Carol a good-natured push. “But you are very cute.”
“I am not cute!” Carol said with a look of horror. “Inside this small body lurks the soul of a tall and very powerful person.”
“And brave?” asked Jen with a smile.
“Of course,” Carol said.
“Good, then let’s just get in there and ask him.”
“That’s the plan,” Carol said, balking at the front door. “But what if Brent’s there?”
“Well obviously, we make an excuse and run,” Erin said.
Jen opened the door first and after a quick look, entered, dragging Carol behind her.
“Hey not so fast,” Carol whispered. “I was coming.” The other two stepped in behind her leaving the four all bunched up together.
“You trod on my toe,” Sienna yelped, glaring at Erin.
“Sh. Sorry,” Erin whispered.
“I can hear all you ladies.” Jonathon came out from behind a cabinet. “Is there something I can help you with? You’re not in trouble again are you?”
“Why would you ask that?” Jen asked with a grin.
“Maybe because you’re skulking around corners and there are four of you trying to occupy the space of one.”
The women immediately spread out. “Is Brent in?” Sienna asked.
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No, we don’t want to see Brent,” Erin said.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, no,” Jen said.
“But is he in?” Sienna asked.
“No, he isn’t in, which is apparently what you wanted to hear. You’re in luck. Now what’s all this about?”
“Nothing really. We wanted to see you,” Jen said. “Well Carol does.”
Carol’s inner giant seemed to have vacated her body and she just stood there with a silly grin on her face.
“Carol?” Jonathon prompted. “Cat got your tongue?”
“No,” Carol answered helpfully. “No, I um, I’ve forgotten what I was here for. I’ll just go home and when it comes to me, I’ll pop back.”
Jen grabbed the back of her jeans and turned her back around, whispering into her ear, “Now or never.”
“Times ticking Carol,” Sienna said, giving her friend a nudge.
Unable to form words, Carol looked at Jen for support and as always she got it.
“We were just wondering,” Jen started.
“Yes?” Jonathon took a sip of his coffee.
“What’s your stance on sperm donation,” Jen finished. “Actually donating, your sperm.”
Jonathon spat his coffee all down the front of his shirt. “You could have warned me that you weren’t looking for some kind of permit!” He grabbed a couple of tissues and tried to mop up the mess from his white shirt. “Would one of you like to tell me what all this is about?”
“Carol wants a baby,” Sienna said, fishing a purse size packet of baby wipes out of her bag.
“We deal with a lot of requests in this office, ladies, but we are not and will never be a sperm bank.”
“Well, I think you may have misunderstood,” Jen said. “We aren’t asking if you want to give us some today or anything.”
“Thank God.”
“Yeah. We just thought that,” Jen tried to say. “That maybe sometime down the track-”
“You just thought that as I’m gay, that I’d probably have some sperm to spare.”
“Well there’s two of you, you might have a little to spare,” Carol said, suddenly finding her tongue.
“Pardon me?”
“Sorry,” Carol said, wincing. “I didn’t mean for that to come out as sarcastic as it did. I didn’t think that. I was trying to finish your sentence about what you thought we were thinking, if that makes any sense.”
“Strangely I think it does. You can stop rubbing now, Sienna, I think it’s about as good as it’s going to get,” Jonathan said. “How about you tell me what you did mean.”
“Well, Carol,” Sienna started.
Jonathan held up a hand. “Has a tongue of her own. Seeing as how it seems she is in need of someone’s deposit, she can tell me herself what she has in mind.”
“I’d like to have a baby,” Carol said.
“With Crystal.”
“Of course, but we can’t have a baby on our own,” Carol explained.
“I have had the talk,” Jonathon said.
“You know what I mean,” Carol said.
“Of course I do. I was just trying to lighten the mood. If anyone can understand your predicament, I can.”
“So you’ll help her?” Jen asked happily.
“Whoa!” Jonathon said. “I would love to help you have a baby, honey, but I couldn’t.”
“That’s okay,” Carol said, turning to leave. Her face was bright red and she was extremely embarrassed to have put herself in this position only to get a no.
“Wait. I want to explain why.”
Carol turned back around. “It’s fine, really I understand.”
“You’re embarrassed and I don’t want that,” Jonathan said. “Carol, could you give me one of your eggs and then just pretend you didn’t? Say a surrogate had your baby and then gave it back to Benjamin and I and we raised it right here in Corbin’s Bend. Would you be able to live here near us? See that child every day and not talk to it, touch it, tell it that you were their mommy?”
“No,” Carol said simply.
“I would love to help,” Jonathon said. “But I’m not that strong.”
“Yes, you are,” Carol said. “You’re right. The donor can’t live so close to home.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be, you make a lot of sense and that’s helped me.” Carol was almost through the door behind the others when she heard her name.
“Carol?” Jonathon called.
She turned, trying to smile through her embarrassment.
“If you’re doing this behind Crystal’s back, it’ll come back to bite you in the ass, literally.”
“But I’m just looking.”
“Just a little advice from a friend. Take it or leave it.”
“Thanks,” Carol said. He may be right, but she was only looking on her own because Crystal wasn’t supporting her. It wasn’t her fault.
“Well that was a bust,” Sienna said.
“That’s Brent’s car,” Carol said. They hadn’t done anything wrong and yet like kids seeing a principal head towards them in a school yard, they panicked.
&
nbsp; “Look like we’re not guilty of anything,” Erin said.
“We’re not guilty of anything,” Jen said.
“Oh yeah,” Carol said. “Hi, Brent.” She waved to the man and he waved back as he turned into the parking lot. They started walking back up Cabner Drive to get their cars. A lot quicker than getting there.
“So what’s the next step?” Sienna asked as they stood at their cars.
“We have to pick up the kids,” Jen said. She put her arm around Carol. “Don’t worry, tomorrow, meeting at my place again and we’ll think about going further afield.”
“Yep,” Carol said. “I’m not worrying about it tonight. Tonight Bri and I are having pizza and movie night.”
“That’s a good idea,” Erin said. “Tomorrow’s another day.”
* * * * *
Work was busy and they’d even gotten a call out through the afternoon. It was six-thirty that evening before Crystal was free to phone home again.
“Hey, Bri,” she said when her daughter picked up the phone.
“Hi, Momma!” Bri said. “Whatcha doing?”
“I’m just about to have dinner. What about you? Did you do your homework?”
“Yes, all of it and I had my shower and Mommy and me are gonna have dinner.”
“Good girl. I’ll see you soon okay?
“See you soon, Momma.”
“Could I speak to Mommy please?”
“Right here,” Carol said. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Crystal said. She held her breath for just a second before speaking. It was terrible when things were not a hundred percent right with the woman you loved and to not be able to do anything to fix it made it seem a lot worse. When they were apart, even though it might only be by a few miles; without touch, without being able to look into your lover’s eyes, there was only words. Crystal was well aware that they had better be the right ones if she wasn’t going to make this worse. “Did you have a nice time at lunch?”
“Yeah I did,” Carol said. “It wasn’t planned. It was just a spur of the moment thing. I needed cheering up.”
Crystal didn’t miss the small dig. Unlike her, Carol never weighed her words. If she was upset about something, she let her know. “I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon. I can’t wait to see my two girls.” She winced at Carol’s sharp intake of breath and then the sound in her voice. She could tell she was close to tears. “Are you okay?”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too, baby girl,” Crystal said. She had to say something to lighten this situation. “What are you two having for dinner?” Silence. For a second.
“Pizza, okay? We’re having pizza and then we’re going to eat candy and watch a movie on a school night, because I am the mommy that’s here and I have made that decision.”
Once again Crystal weighed her words, even though it hadn’t helped at all before. “Even though I think it’s a better idea that we all eat healthy at least through the week, an occasional splurge isn’t going to hurt you or Bri,” she said, surprising her girlfriend.
“Oh,” Carol said.
Crystal could imagine her chewing her lip nervously while she waited for the but. “Your attitude though, is another matter. That was an overreaction and it was rude, Carol. That type of behaviour isn’t acceptable, especially not in front of our child.”
“I thought you were going to nitpick,” Carol said, trying to explain.
“You’re still pouting over not getting your way and I’m not going to put up with it. It ends now. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Carol whispered into the phone. “No more attitude.”
“Good. Now go and enjoy your movie and enjoy sitting while you can. Tomorrow night your ass is mine.”
“I love you,” Carol said.
“I love you too, honey.”
* * * * *
Carol sighed. She was going to have to think a bit more before she spoke. Stuff just slipped out of her mouth and she couldn’t help it. It had always been that way. The first time she got a spanking ever in her whole life had been from Crystal and it had been for just that.
“Carol!”
Carol winced and drew the cigarette out of her mouth, looking around desperately for somewhere to hide it. She heard Crystal muttering as she gathered up the soda cans she’d meant to pick up but never got around to. In one foul swoop, she tossed it over the balcony and squirted her mouth with an instant freshening spray. “I’m out here,” she called. The door slid open and Crystal stood there, hands on hips looking totally unimpressed.
“What are you doing out here?” she said.
Carol picked up the watering can next, her cover, but that she had forgotten to fill. It was meant to be her cover, maybe she could still make it work. “I was watering the plants.”
“Uh huh,” Crystal said, touching the dry dirt underneath her potted palms. “Don’t lie to me, you’ve been smoking again.”
Carol sighed and rolled her eyes. “You have no proof of that.”
“I can smell it.”
“Well, so what if I was? I’m addicted! Do you have any concept of an addiction? You can’t just tell someone to stop and have it happen! I need to smoke and I’m going to smoke and not you or anyone else is going to make me stop!”
There was complete silence. Carol jumped back as Crystal bent towards her but it was too late and the area too small; there was nowhere to go. Before she knew what was happening, she was being hauled into the living room. “Put me down!” she yelled. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m going to do what someone should have done a long time ago.”
Crystal put her down but had a firm grip on her upper arm.
“I told you what the rules were when I brought you here; no smoking, no mess.”
“It was a few cans and wrappers and I was smoking outside! For fuck sake!” The next thing she knew she was staring at the crinkled up potato chip packets that had made their way under the sofa but she had no time to regret dropping them there. “What are you-?” Her question was left hanging as the answer became clear. Crystal’s open palm crashed across the seat of her sweat pants.
“Spanking you.”
“You can’t! Stop that!”
“Apparently I can!”
Even through the thick fleece of her sweat pants, Carol could feel Crystal’s hard smacks. “You’re hurting me!”
“Am I?”
The spanking stopped and Carol stopped yelling, for a second. When a cool breeze wafted over her bottom, she realized she had lost her pants. “No!” she screeched.
“If you want to act like an unruly brat, then that’s exactly how you’ll be treated,” Crystal lectured while her hand bounced relentlessly off Carol’s bare bottom.
It was pain like Carol had never felt in her life. Each smack seemed to explode loudly in her ears, then the pain started. It was a hot sting that built, searing her skin. She kicked her legs wildly, not even sure whether she was trying to escape or make the pain stop, not that it mattered. Her efforts were all for nothing, the spanking just went on and on until she thought she might die. Finally she did something that she hadn’t done since her mother died; she cried.
“Shh, Carol, shhh. It’s over,” Crystal whispered into her ear.
The spanking had hurt but when she was pulled up to sit on Crystal’s knee, it felt wonderful; safe. Even though she still couldn’t stop crying she’d never felt anything like the warmth of having a woman’s arms around her like that. Finally, after being held and rocked and soothed for a long time, she was able to speak.”Sorry.” She sniffled.
“Why?”Crystal asked gently.
Why was she sorry? She had no idea. Because she just got her butt beat? No. Because she was embarrassed to be sitting with her naked ass on this woman’s knee? Funnily enough, she wasn’t. Maybe it was a reaction to the mess her life had become. Kicked out of college and no place to go but here, and now Crystal probably didn’t want her either. Yes, it was a mixture of all t
hese things and more. Mostly it was because she missed her mom. “I’m a fuck up,” she answered finally. That about summed it up. She felt the rumble of Crystal’s laughter before it bubbled up and out of her.
“Oh my naughty brat,” Crystal said, hugging her tighter and giggling into the crook of her neck.
A hitched sob turned into a chuckle.
“Feel better?”
“You know, I think I do. Who would have thought?”
“Well, now I know how to get through to you at least.”
“If I let you.”
“You will.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I think you trust me.”
“I do.”
“That’s good because I’ve become a bit attached to you, missy.”
“You want to hug me, you want to kiss me...” Carol chanted.
“I do.”
“Me too,” Carol said seriously. “Hug and kiss you I mean, not myself.”
That had been their first kiss. That had been the start of it all. Their relationship and everything that went with it, the spanking, the loving and the trust. That last word stung a little but what she was doing with a little planning wasn’t a breach of trust, it was just being ready. Crystal would come around, she knew she would and then they’d be ready and she would try to hold her tongue, and her temper.
* * * * *
Brianna finally gave in to sleep at about eleven, way later than her usual bedtime. Carol showered and changed into a clean nightshirt. She flipped on the TV, but after scanning the channels, decided there was nothing on and switched it off again. It was starting to rain, that would help her sleep. She always struggled to sleep when Crystal was at work. Their already large bed seemed more so when she was laying in it alone. She missed the arms that always snaked around her, holding her safe.
She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to imagine the warm feeling she always got when Crystal climbed in behind her. Even on a night when she’d been in trouble, by the time they went to bed, it would all be over and forgiven. Crystal would kiss her softly behind her ear, tell her how much she loved her and then pull her body back against her own. Carol would wriggle until she nestled her bottom into her comfortable place and sleep would come easily.
