by Livia Grant
“You can say that again… literally.”
While Troy and Traci were bantering, Gina and Adam have bundled their niece up in a heavy blanket and are shooing her out the door to their waiting SUV. At the last minute, Hallie looks back to connect her green eyes with his and then she’s gone. Thirty minutes ago, he would have done anything for some peace and quiet around here. Now, Troy hates how empty Traci’s house feels.
Chapter Six
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you, honey?” It’s only the fifth time Aunt Gina has asked since breakfast.
Hallie takes a deep breath, trying to keep the impatience out of her reply. “Thanks for the offer, Aunt Gina, but really, I think it’s best that I go in by myself.” Moving quickly, Hallie opens the door to the SUV and is standing in Traci’s driveway, ready to close the door, quick before Aunt Gina could insist on coming in.
“Well, okay. What time would you like me to pick you up?”
Hallie honestly didn’t know. “How about I call you when I’m done. I have your cell number and my phone is charged.”
Gina doesn’t look happy, but she still plasters an indulgent smile on her face. “Sure, honey. I’ll just wait for your call. Have a good time, okay?”
Hallie can’t help but chuckle. “Well, considering I’m going to get my head shrunk, I’m not sure about how much fun I’m gonna have.”
“Now, Hallie. Don’t say rude things like that about Traci. She’s a wonderful lady and therapist. You need to let her help you.”
“Yes, Aunt Gina.”
Hallie is nervous. It feels like she’s about to spring out of her skin. It may have only been forty-eight hours since she was here last, but it feels like a lifetime ago. She takes a deep cleansing breath, trying to lower her heart rate. The front door swings open before her finger connects with the doorbell. A smiling Traci greets her.
“Dr. Jackson. Thanks for seeing me.”
“Oh no you don’t. I’m a psychologist, not a psychiatrist so technically, I’m not a doctor. I’m just Traci. It’s great to see you again, Hallie. You look about a thousand times better than the last time I saw you. Please, come on in.” She swings the door wide, ushering her newest client in.
Hallie stomps her snow-covered boots on the mat and takes off her proper winter coat, gloves and scarf to hand to a waiting Traci. “I see someone’s gone shopping. I like your new winter gear.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I’m glad the storm cleared enough on Sunday that Uncle Adam and Aunt Gina could take me on a marathon shopping spree yesterday in Denver to pick up a lot of the things I needed.”
“That’s really great of them. Were you able to get your stuff out of the car before they towed it away? I heard it’s totaled, but I was hoping you’d be able to save some of your belongings.”
They’d been walking and talking, arriving in the kitchen where the smell of coffee welcomes her. Hallie notices a steaming cup already waiting for her at the island. She takes a sip to try to calm her nerves before answering the question hanging in the air.
“Well, I left in a hurry so I didn’t really have that much stuff with me. We were on the road and I only had clothes with me on the tour bus. Uncle Adam is trying to find someone to go to my apartment in California to pack up the rest of my belongings there and send them.”
“Wow, I hadn’t realized you had so little with you. It’s nice of them to buy you what you need. At least you can take your time now with moving.”
Hallie chuckles. “Well, if it were up to Uncle Adam, they’d be packing up my apartment today.” When she sees the confused look on Traci’s face, she answers her unasked question. “He’s afraid I’m going to change my mind and decide to go back to Eddie. I think he’s trying to hurry and get me all moved before I can back out.”
Traci’s smile seems genuine. “I’m sure they’re just worried about you. They love you, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, they think I’m still that eighteen year-old girl they last saw. If someone finds me dead, have it investigated as ‘death by smothering.’”
That draws a chuckle out of the therapist. “How are your injuries? Are you in any pain?”
Hallie’s been here for several minutes and is growing more and more anxious. “Um… aren’t we supposed to go into your office? I mean, have me lay down on the couch and shit?”
Traci’s grin is contagious. “Well, we can do that if you’d like to, but truthfully, I meet with most of my patients here in the kitchen over a cup of coffee. It just seems easier to talk freely this way.”
“But… I mean, what if…?” Hallie doesn’t know what she’s trying to say and then she blushes pink. “What if Troy comes in and hears us talking? Isn’t there doctor-patient privilege or something?”
Traci stutters in surprise. “Of course… how would… Hallie, I thought you knew. Troy doesn’t live with me. He was just visiting for the weekend to help me celebrate my birthday.”
The figurative kick to the gut is unexpected. Hallie has already spent more time than she’d like thinking about Troy Jackson and the unusual circumstances that had brought them together. Now she hates to acknowledge her disappointment in not seeing him today. “Oh, it’s just as well… I mean… it’s good… he can’t overhear…”
“Until a few weeks ago Troy lived near Washington D.C., but he recently transferred back to the Denver base.”
“Base?”
“Troy is an officer in the Air Force. To be honest, I don’t know all that much about what he does, but I do know he had to get top security clearance before his last assignment. Several members of the FBI interviewed me when they were validating his status. He can’t talk about what he’s working on. Sometimes I like to tease him that he’s like James Bond.”
As exciting as his career might sound, the unexpected news that he doesn’t even live in Corbin’s Bend brings conflicting emotions.
‘I should be happy. He scares me, in more ways than one.’
“Hallie?”
Lost in thought, Hallie finally hears Traci. “Yes.”
“Are you okay? You look upset.” Traci’s concern is written on her face.
“I’m fine.” Hallie works on changing the subject away from Traci’s handsome older brother. “So how does this work?”
Traci sips her coffee. She looks like she’s trying hard to appear casual. Hallie detects the sliver of uncertainty in the therapist’s behavior. “There’s no formula. We just talk about whatever’s on your mind. If you get stuck, I ask some questions, but for now, why don’t you just start by talking about how things are going over at your aunt’s house?”
Hallie sighs. This topic should be an easy one for her. It’s not. “Aunt Gina and Uncle Adam have been great. I know they are happy to have me here and have done so much to make me feel welcome and not just like a burden.”
Traci smiles. “But…” She’s observant.
“No but… really. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming of having a family care about me like they do. I know I should be grateful.”
“But, you’re not? Grateful, I mean?”
“Sure, I am. It’s just… they forget I’ve been on my own for a long time now. I’m not used to having people looking after me and telling me what to do.”
“So, Eddie didn’t do that for you?”
Hallie can’t stop her snort. “Oh, hell no. I was the one who did the taking care of, not the other way around. He blamed his antics on being an artist. I think it was just because he’s an immature prick.”
Traci’s eyes widen briefly at her choice of nouns. “So, you had to take care of him? What exactly does that mean?”
Hallie drains her coffee mug. “Mind if I help myself to another cup while we talk?”
Traci rises to serve her, but Hallie cuts her off. “No, sit. I’m happy to serve myself. In fact, would you like more?”
“Sure, thanks. But pouring coffee won’t get you out of answering the question.”
Hallie
looks over her shoulder to see a kind smile on Traci’s face. “I know. No, I may be over five years younger than Eddie, but from day one, I was the mature one. He’d still be playing sets for beer in podunk towns in backwoods Louisiana if I hadn’t pushed him and got him organized.”
Traci’s confusion lets Hallie know she doesn’t know anything about Eddie. Hallie asks her. “Troy didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Maybe you’ve never heard of him, but Eddie is Eddie Kingston, the lead singer of The Kings, a band.”
Traci doesn’t seem impressed. “I’ve never heard of them.”
“I’m not surprised. They’re just starting to take off now that they got their first recording deal and they’ve been traveling as the opening band for Matchbox 20.”
“That sounds exciting. You seem pretty young to be managing a band. I’m not wrong in assuming Eddie was more than just a band member to you, though, right?”
Hallie has taken her seat across from Traci again. “No, you’re not wrong. He was my boyfriend before I even knew he was in a band. We were both working part-time in a restaurant in Baton Rouge. I was going to the community college. He was trying to get the band rolling.”
“What kind of a guy was he back then?”
“Oh, he was charming, in a totally carefree kind of way. The rest of my life seemed so intense and he was a breath of fresh air at the time.”
Traci’s eyes never stop looking for cues. Hallie feels under a microscope. “So what was going on in the rest of your life that was so intense?”
The wave of sadness blankets Hallie’s heart like a heavy weight. She doesn’t like to remember that time in her life. She knows Traci has no clue that she’s just struck the therapist’s equivalent of gold by getting Hallie to tap into the hardest two years of her life within ten minutes of their time together. The old temptation to run from her memories flares and Hallie has to force herself to take a deep breath.
Traci’s voice is soft and reassuring. “We don’t have to go there yet, if you’re not ready.”
Hallie doubt’s she’ll ever be ready to talk about it. What she does know is she’s tired of running from her own memories. Tired of expending the energy of being angry with a man who probably hasn’t thought of her even once in the three years since she left home.
‘Home. Where is that anyway?’
Traci must wait a full minute for Hallie’s internal debate to conclude. In the end, it’s the kind woman patiently waiting for her across the kitchen island that finally has Hallie ready to relive memories she’d never shared with another living soul. Memories that she’d buried in the hopes they would be forgotten. Only as she’d matured has she figured out the impossibility of that task. She tried running away from them with Eddie and that failed. Maybe talking about them will help.
“Everything was fine until my grandma got sick my freshman year in high school.”
“Did you and your parents live near her?”
“I never knew my dad. My parents were never married and talking about him made my mom and grandma argue, so I tried not to ask too many questions about him.”
“So you and your mom lived with your grandma?”
“Yeah, and honestly, I had a great childhood. I know I’m supposed to feel upset that I never had a dad, but I’m not.”
“Hallie, you’re not supposed to feel anything, at least not with me. All I ask is you just be honest with me… and more importantly with yourself.”
“Yeah, well thanks for that.”
“So your grandma got sick?”
The panic of realizing her grandma had a terminal illness hits her as if she’d just heard the news. It has a way of sneaking up on her when she allows herself to wallow in memories. “Fucking lung cancer. She didn’t even smoke.”
“That really sucks. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Yeah, me too. As Nana got worse, my mom started to freak out. I had never realized how much she depended on Nana before. She had dated a couple times over the years, but nothing serious, but within a month of Nana’s funeral, she had this loser of a guy staying overnight at the house. I’d hoped it was just how she was dealing with her grief, but no such luck. She married the asshole a few months later.”
“Oh wow. That must have been a big change for you having a man in the house.”
“That’s the understatement of the century.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t like your new step-father.”
“I hated the prick.”
Traci smiles. “You like that word, I see.”
It takes Hallie a few seconds to realize what she’s referring to. “Yeah, well I guess I do. I’ve had more than my share of pricks in my life.”
“What was his name?”
“I told you. The Prick.” Traci isn’t smiling anymore. “Fine. Gene. His name is Gene.”
When Hallie sits silently, hoping for a change in subject, Traci smiles kindly. “You know my next question, don’t you?”
The therapist’s candid and honest approach is refreshing and not at all what Hallie expected from her first session with a professional. “I don’t like to talk about Gene.”
“Then don’t. Save him for another day when you’re feeling up to it.”
“Really? You aren’t going to pelt me with intrusive questions, making me spill my inner angst?”
Traci’s laughter is genuine. “I hate how Hollywood has everyone thinking all psychologists are prying idiots, only interested in getting their patients to break down into tears in every session. Sorry to disappoint, but I actually like people to leave here feeling better than when they arrived. One day, I hope you’ll feel like talking about Gene will help you feel better. I’m not sure you’re there today. So why don’t you tell me more about Eddie.”
Hallie can’t help but giggle. “Well, sure because talking about him is so much better.”
“Fine, what do you want to talk about?”
Hallie hesitates, unsure if she wants to really know more or not. “How about Corbin’s Bend and well, you know… what makes it different.”
Traci’s watching her carefully, as if she’s unsure what to share. Hallie is reminded that she is technically not an official member of the co-op. Still, she’s curious.
“I’m happy to answer any of your questions, Hallie, but before I do, have you talked to your Aunt Gina or Uncle Adam about this? They have lived here longer than I have and as a married couple, they can answer any questions about the town and its guidelines better than I can.”
“Maybe, but my questions aren’t necessarily about the rules as much as they are about…”
Hallie can see understanding in Traci’s expressive eyes. Her own heartbeat has increased for some unknown reason. “I see. You’re more interested in understanding why a woman like me would choose to live here.”
“Not just you. Why would any woman want to live here? Like Aunt Gina and that wife of the guy that was here on Saturday. She was beautiful. She could have any guy she wanted. Why marry some guy who makes her live in a place where the men can beat their women?”
For the first time, Hallie sees a flash of anger in Traci’s eyes, but she quickly tamps it down. Her voice doesn’t betray her irritation when she speaks. “Like I explained to you on Saturday, those of us choosing to live here see a very wide divide between things like beating and abuse and what we practice here.”
“So if not beating and abuse, what words do you use?”
“Discipline. That can take the form of many things, but there is one key difference in my mind.” She stops, making sure Hallie is paying close attention. “To me, a beating as you are thinking of is done to hurt someone. To tear them down. It makes them feel bad or humiliated. A beating is done to make someone feel powerless.”
Hallie butts in. “Exactly. So why would you or Aunt Gina allow that. You both seem way too smart for that.”
Traci smiles indulgently. “Well, thanks, but you just made my point for me. I’m not
sure I can speak for your Aunt Gina and certainly not for every TiH resident in Corbin’s Bend, but I know that most of us feel that the discipline provided by our HoH’s is the antithesis of what I just described as a beating. We know how much our HoH’s love us. They don’t like to make us feel pain, but they know that the discipline they provide is helping us to grow and feel safe. Let me ask you a question, and you don’t have to tell me what, but have you ever made a mistake that made you ashamed of yourself or feel guilty for days or weeks later?”
Several stupid mistakes of her youth come to mind. “Well sure. Haven’t we all?”
“Exactly. How great would it have been if you could have put that behind you right away and felt less guilty while learning your lesson not to make that mistake again?”
“Is this a trick question?”
“No. I’m just telling you that’s what I get out of domestic discipline. I like being held accountable and knowing someone cares enough to notice and correct me if I screw up. I don’t think there could be any more intimate thing to share between a couple.”
Her use of the word intimate surprises Hallie. “So…” She thinks twice about her question. Traci catches it.
“Go ahead. Ask. I can tell you have something you want to ask me.”
Hallie’s question is soft. She hates the flutter in her core as she recalls the vision of Traci on the receiving end of Troy’s discipline. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but what in the world could you have possibly done that could have made it okay for Troy to use his belt on you?”
Hallie regrets asking the question immediately. The blush on Traci’s face grows deeper as the seconds pass. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have asked that. I don’t want you to feel guilty.”
“That’s the thing, Hallie. I don’t feel guilty anymore. Troy helped me understand my mistake and even why I made it and I’m positive it will never happen again. I’m so lucky Troy was here that night. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn’t been.”
