"Yeah. I intended to wing him." Again, she didn’t elaborate, just gazed blankly at a spot somewhere above the toes of her shoes.
He cocked his head, and asked the question that had been niggling at the back of his brain. "Why didn’t you kill the driver as soon as you got the gun? Did you think they’d chicken out or give up if you gave them a little time?"
Her dark head shook, and her eyes closed tightly. "No."
Tears were leaking out of her eyes, and he reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "Tell me, Ryan. Come on, tell me why you’re hurting."
She was squeezing her eyes so tightly closed that her long eyelashes were fully hidden. "I was afraid," she gasped out, starting to cry hysterically.
He hopped out of his chair and sat on the edge of his bed, drawing her tightly against his chest. Holding her, he soothed her as best he could. "Of course you were afraid. Only a psychopath wouldn’t be afraid in a situation like that. I would have wet my pants."
"No," she croaked. "I was afraid to kill him. I knew it was the best solution, Rory, but I couldn’t make myself do it."
"Oh, Ryan," he sighed, "You can’t feel bad about that! I don’t think I could have done it, either. But that doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you’re all alive!"
"No, no, no, no," she said, her voice growing progressively louder. "That’s not all that matters! They were trying to kill us, and instead of making sure they couldn’t, I let them terrorize my lover for another twenty minutes." She took in a shuddering breath and said, "One of them almost killed her right before it was all over. He had the gun aimed at her head, and his finger was on the trigger. But he wanted to kill me just a little more than he wanted to kill her. If there had been another round in that weapon, she’d be dead today, Rory. We’d be at the mortuary right now, picking out her fucking casket! And it would be all my fault!" Her hands went to her head and she grabbed handfuls of her hair and gave them a rough yank, trying to physically rip the gruesome image from her head. "I swear I would have turned that gun on myself if she had died. My life would be nothing without her, Rory!"
"Ryan, Ryan," he soothed, "I know how you feel about her, and I know you’d do anything to keep her safe. For God’s sake, sis, you practically volunteered for death last night just to protect her and Caitie!"
"I should have killed him! I should have killed both of them!"
"Now just stop it!" he said, giving her a good shake. "Stop it right now, Ryan." He held her by her shoulders so that he could look into her eyes. "You don’t get second chances in a situation like that. You made your choice, and it worked out beautifully. Shit, Ryan, what if you had killed him and the car had swerved and been hit by a MUNI bus or a cable car. You’d all be dead! Would you feel better in your last moments for having killed him first?"
"Of course not," she grumbled.
"Ryan, I’m not just blowing smoke at you! You thought the right choice was to kill them, but you could have been horribly wrong. You claim that you were just too afraid to kill them, but maybe something inside told you to take a more moderate course. Those assholes made their choices, you each made yours. You’re all bound by your choices now, Ryan. And from my perspective, you made the perfect choice – for whatever reasons. It’s the result that matters."
She shook her head slowly and muttered, "I’m doubting who I am, Rory. I’ve always said that I could kill to protect my family – I was certain of that! I’ve told Jamie that a number of times. But when I was faced with the choice, I put the same value on those motherfucker’s lives as I did on Jamie's and Caitlin’s. I feel so guilty about it that I can hardly look Jamie in the eye today."
He looked at her carefully for a few moments, then said, "You have nothing to feel guilty about. You voluntarily put your life at risk to protect Jamie and Caitlin as best you could. You did your very best to make sure that all of you survived. There’s no disgrace in that, Ryan. How can trying to avoid killing a person be a source of shame? That’s just nuts, and you’re not the kind of woman who thinks irrational thoughts."
"I’m exactly that kind of woman," she sighed. "I feel like I’m going insane, Ror. I haven’t had one rational thought since it happened." She shook her head and revealed, "I absolutely lost it at the hospital last night. The doctor called in a security guard because he was afraid of me." Looking at him with a face full of stark confusion, she repeated, "He was afraid of me."
"Oh, Ryan," he sighed. He clutched her tighter and gave her a hearty squeeze. "You’ve been through a horrible, horrible experience. You’re not going to be thinking straight for some time. All sorts of things are going to go through your mind, but only one thing matters," he said. "Because of you and because of Jamie, we’re not at the funeral home today. We’re celebrating Christmas Eve with every member of our family healthy and whole." He bent and kissed her forehead, lingering for a moment while he tried to stop his tears. "I have never been prouder of you."
"I love you, Rory," she said, sobbing. "Thanks for being my brother."
"Best job in town," he said, giving her another hearty embrace.
Ryan had been upstairs for well over an hour, and when she returned her eyes were red and swollen, as were Rory’s. Even though she looked extremely upset, her mood somehow seemed lighter, and Jamie once again mused that Martin knew his children very, very well.
Not long after Rory and Ryan had returned to the group, Tommy dropped Caitlin off so he and Annie could catch a nap – their sleep having been terribly fitful as well. The toddler’s arrival seemed to cheer Ryan even more. She was too stiff to play their usual games, so Rory took over for her, carrying the laughing baby around on his shoulders and holding her upside down until her face turned pink.
Conor came down after he had showered and had a quick nap, and he was in much brighter spirits than he had been in when he'd first returned home. He and Rory got down on the floor with the baby, and created a human playpen by sitting opposite each other with their legs spread wide and their feet touching. Every time Cait tried to escape one or the other would grab her and tickle her tummy, making her laugh so hard that Maeve kept warning that someone would soon be receiving her lunch in his lap.
Watching her brothers and the baby laugh loud and long, Ryan started to relax a little, and she soon forced herself to ignore her stiff muscles and join the boys, expanding the dimensions of the playpen significantly with the addition of her long legs. Jamie was feeling pretty spry, having taken some pain relievers for her ribs; so she assisted her partner, crawling around the outside of the playpen, making threatening gestures at the shrieking baby, warning her not to even try to escape from their side.
Mia and Jordan came upstairs after their "nap," and they got into the game, also. Soon the walls were nearly shaking with laughter, and Martin leaned over and commented to his wife, "I thought the house would quiet down once they were grown."
"No, Marty, they just get louder," she said, raising her voice to be heard.
"I wouldn’t change it for the world," he said, tucking an arm around her shoulders and hugging her firmly.
When Jim, Catherine and Jennie arrived just before four, they were so loaded down with boxes and bags that Conor and Rory were recruited to help carry the excess.
The boys went outside with Jim, and as soon as they cleared the door Jim asked, "Do the girls know how bad it is out here?"
Conor stood on the deck and looked down at the street. The narrow roadway was almost completely blocked by news vans, satellite trucks, huge SUV’s loaded with cameras and other equipment, and a raft of cars belonging to the phalanx of reporters. "No, they don’t know," Conor said. "We decided this morning to try to keep them in the dark. I know my sis, and she’d freak if she knew they were surrounded like this."
"She’s not in good shape," Rory said. "I spoke to her for a long time this afternoon, and she’s very, very shaky. Isn’t there anything we can do to get rid of these vultures?"
Jim nodded, his eyes narrowing. "I’m gon
na call in a favor, fellas." He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed a number, then waited for his secretary in Washington to answer. "Merry Christmas," he said brightly. "Now, don’t worry. No big crisis, I just want a phone number." He waited patiently until she turned on her laptop, then made his request. "I need the private cell phone number for Willie Brown." Conor and Rory’s eyes widened, and a moment later Jim switched off. "He’s a very creative guy," he said confidently, dialing the number. "Willie? Jim Evans. Merry Christmas, Mayor! How would you like to give your favorite senator a nice, big present?"
"My God!" Martin cried as the loot was taken down to the basement. "What on earth did you buy?"
"We bought just enough to give each of the girls a couple of nice outfits, some underwear, a few casual blouses, some jeans and a few computers so they can get their schoolwork done more efficiently," Catherine informed him. "We just replicated the things the girls had in the Lexus."
Jennie’s eyes were glazed as Ryan helped carry the last of the bags down to her room. "Kinda hard to get used to isn’t it?" Ryan asked gently as she placed her hand on Jennie’s shoulder.
"I … I … I’ve never seen anything like it," she mumbled, her eyes wide and unfocused.
"We wanted to make sure that you had all the help you need at Sacred Heart," Ryan said.
"I’ve never seen a computer like the one you bought me," she said. "It weighs less than two pounds and it’s actually got a little digital camera built right in. Catherine said I can take it to school and take my notes right on it! And buying me Corel Draw was just too much!" she enthused. "I never, ever thought I’d have anything that cool, Ryan! I just don’t know what to say!"
You can say, ‘Thank you, Catherine,’ because that was clearly not the Costco special!
Later that afternoon, Jamie was downstairs dressing when she heard a quiet knock on the door. "Yeah?"
The door opened slightly, then Catherine’s voice asked, "Would you mind some company?"
"No, of course not. Come on in, Mom. I’m just getting dressed."
The older woman entered, and stood close to the door, looking a little uncomfortable.
"Have a seat," Jamie said, indicating the loveseat. She saw her mother hesitate, and she said, "I really don’t mind having you here when I’m getting ready. I’m much less shy than I used to be."
"No, it’s not that," Catherine said. "I’m just a little nervous."
"Why?" The younger woman slipped her slacks on and zipped them, then went over to sit next to her mother. "What are you nervous about?"
"I don’t … I don’t handle shame well," she said quietly. "And I’m deeply ashamed of myself for how I behaved last night."
Giving her a robust hug, Jamie murmured, "You have nothing to be ashamed of. It was a horrible night for all of us, Mom, and you were just … you did what you needed to do to get through it."
"I owe you an apology, honey," she said. "I hope … I hope I didn’t embarrass you."
"Oh, Mom, don’t think like that. Last night was so out-of-control – on every front. You’ve never embarrassed me, and you never will."
"I’m glad that one of us thinks that," Catherine said softly. "I’m not so confident."
"Well, I am," Jamie said. She got up and finished getting dressed, her mother quietly watching her.
"I’m afraid of making another promise, Jamie, but I’m going to try, with all of my heart, to be available to you while you recover from this trauma. I’m not sure I know how to help, but I’ll certainly try."
Sitting down next to her again, Jamie patted her leg and said, "I know you will."
"Is there anything you want to talk about now? You seem to be doing remarkably well, honey."
"I’m okay," she said. "I spoke to my therapist today, and she thinks I’m still in shock. She says that things will start to break through over the next few days or weeks – probably when I’m sleeping, unfortunately. I don’t look forward to that, but knowing that it is likely to happen is strangely reassuring. She says my psyche will let things in a little bit at a time, and we’ll just deal with them as they come up."
"You like her very much, don’t you, honey," Catherine said.
"Oh, yeah, she’s just perfect for me. She’s always very up-front with me, and she warns me about things before they happen. Some people might not like that, but it’s great for me."
"I’m very glad you have her. Of course, with the way you and Ryan talk about everything … it’s like you have two therapists."
"Sometimes," Jamie said, "but not this time. Ryan’s very closed-off about the whole thing. It worries me, Mom."
"Give her some time, honey, I’m sure she’s in shock, too. She’ll probably be ready to talk in a day or two."
"I hope so," she said, a worried look on her face. "It’s never good when she clams up. She’s always happier when she’s able to talk."
"That’s why you’re such a good pair," Catherine said, smiling at her.
"One of the main reasons," Jamie said. "We have more sensitive chats in a month than most people have in their whole lives." She chuckled softly and said, "But it works for us."
"Well, I’m no Ryan, but I’m always available to chat," Catherine said. "Actually, that’s the other reason I came down here. I want you to think about something and give me your honest opinion."
"Sure. What is it, Mom?"
"I think I should cancel my trip to Italy. I think I’d feel much better if I was close by."
Jamie nodded, then contemplated the issue for a few minutes. "I think you should go," she said. "We’re going to be down in North Carolina, then in the Bahamas, so we won’t even be around for most of your trip. I think it would be good for you to get away for a while, to be honest, Mom. I know you’ve been looking forward to the trip, and to seeing Giacomo – so I honestly think you should go."
"Are you sure, honey? I worry about being so far away. What if you need me?"
"I always need you, Mom," she said. "But I can always reach you on the phone – and if some emergency arose, you could be on the next flight home. I really want you to go. I want you to have a nice New Year’s."
Catherine sighed, then nodded. "All right. It might be best for all of us to get away for a while."
"I agree. And by the time we all get home, this mess will be just a memory. A really horrible memory."
Martin had invited the crowd for seven o’clock so, as expected, nearly everyone was there by five. As the room got more crowded, Jim went out onto the deck to get some fresh air. Conor saw him leave and followed him out, quietly surveying the near-silent street. "Nice job," he said.
"I have no idea how the mayor did it," Jim said, "but he said it was a one-day-only proposition."
"I just couldn’t stand to have her Christmas Eve ruined," Conor sighed, his voice catching as a few tears slid down his cheeks. "She loves Christmas."
"So does Jamie," Jim said. "They’re coming back to our house after the midnight church service. Things should be calm down there."
Conor wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "You’re going to church with us? Not with your father?"
"First time for everything," Jim said. "I’d go to a Republican fund-raiser with her at this point, Conor. I can hardly bear to be away from her."
"I know what you mean," the younger man said. "I had to go do a job today, and I spent every minute wishing I were at home."
Jim chuckled quietly. "We’re a pair, aren’t we?"
Conor shrugged agreeably. "So are they, Jim. So are they."
Ryan looked quite elegant in her black silk pants and a snug black wool turtleneck. A thin, silver chain belt rode low on her hips, and her platinum necklace, as well as both of the blue diamond earrings, gave her a little sparkle.
Since they’d gotten dressed separately, Ryan hadn’t seen her partner yet, and she cornered Jamie in the dining room as soon as she appeared, spending a few minutes showing her just how lovely the smaller woman looked in her navy blue
velvet slacks and short jacket, with the ivory satin chemise underneath. "One of the things I love about the way you dress is that your clothes always feel great," Ryan whispered as she ran her hands all over the soft garments that covered her lover’s body. "Sometimes we’re in a room with other people, and I just want to lean over and touch your soft clothing." Her eyes closed as she continued to touch her. "Mmm, I’ll think about the way you feel all night," she said.
"Knock it off you two," Conor said as he stood in the doorway, nearly filling it with his substantial body.
Patting her partner, Jamie reluctantly shifted her eyes away from her to turn to her brother-in-law. "You look very nice tonight, Conor," she said appreciatively as she took in his monochromatic steel gray shirt and tie, and the slightly darker gray suit.
"Thanks. Lot of good it’ll do me though. A house full of great looking women, and every one is allergic to testosterone!"
The party was in full swing when Sara arrived at eight, having put in a full day of work. Jamie answered the door, and the taller woman gently wrapped her arms around her and held on for a long while, sniffing her tears away while her shoulders shook. "I’m so grateful that you’re both safe."
Ryan caught sight of the display and dashed over to the door, urging both her partner and Sara outside so they could have a little privacy. Sara gave Ryan a hug as well, but it was much briefer than the one she had bestowed on Jamie. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue and said, "I must be the only person in San Francisco who didn’t know about your … adventure," she said, not having a better word for it. "I was at work so late last night that I didn’t watch the news when I got home, and I was running late today so I didn’t even glance at the morning paper."
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