"Me? I’ve never fed a baby before!"
"Then it’s time you learned how," Ryan said. "Come over here and sit in the chair … That’s it. Now, just cradle her however she seems comfortable. You don’t have to support her much. She usually gets herself into position." The baby fussed and kicked, then settled down, with her head resting against Jennie’s chest. "Now, take the bottle and angle it like… this," Ryan said, showing her the proper way. "That’s great. Now all you have to do is let her suck. She’ll either fall asleep, or let you know when she’s done."
Jennie looked down at the nursing child, a warm grin on her face. "It’s hard to imagine being this little, isn’t it?"
"For me it sure is," Ryan said. "I think I was that size in utero."
"I was real little," Jennie said softly. "I had to stay in the hospital for a while, ‘cause I was so tiny."
"Were you premature?"
"Uh-huh. I don’t know how much, but I think I only weighed 4 pounds."
"That is small," Ryan said. "I think I had 4 pounds of hair when I was born." Jennie looked up at her, on the verge of making a joke, but her face scrunched up, and before Ryan could blink she was crying soundlessly. "Hey, hey, what’s wrong?" the older woman asked, squatting down next to her.
"I’ve … I’ve been so worried about you," she said.
"Oh, Jen, I’m fine. You saw that for yourself on Christmas, didn’t you?"
"But you’re not home … and you didn’t come back to take me to sch … sch … school. I know you, Ryan, and you’d only miss that if something was really wrong." She was sobbing hard now, and Ryan took the nearly sleeping baby into her own arms so that Jen didn’t wake her.
"I’m all right, sweetheart," she said, stroking Jennie’s shaking body with her free hand. "Things have been hard for Jamie and me, but we’ll get through it. I promise you that, Jen."
"You’re not gonna break up, are you?"
"What? Of course not! Whatever gave you an idea like that?"
"I don’t know," she mumbled, "but whenever adults keep stuff secret, they wind up getting divorced."
"Jennie, we’re not keeping anything secret." She reached out and touched her chin, making her face her. "I’ll tell you the entire truth. Ready?"
"Uh-huh," she said, looking terribly frightened.
"I’ve been afraid, Jen. The reporters and photographers scare me when they’re right outside my house. Sometimes they scare me so much that I start to panic. Did you see what happened to me when I was down in North Carolina?"
"Yeah," she said, looking embarrassed for her friend.
"Well, that’s what happens. I needed to get away for a while, so I could learn how to handle it, and I think I’ve done that. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist, and she’s helped me get much more comfortable with having my picture taken constantly. I’m ready to come home now, buddy."
"Are you sure? I don’t want you to have any more of those attacks. That scared me so bad, Ryan."
"I don’t want to, either," Ryan said. "I can’t guarantee that I’ll never have one, but even if I do, I think I know how to deal with them better. I feel pretty good, Jen. I really think I’m ready to go home." Running a hand through the girl’s short hair she asked, "How about you? Tell me how this has affected you."
"I have nightmares," she said. "I had one … a bad one … last night. I was sleeping on the window seat in Mrs. Evans’ room, and I woke her up."
"I’m sure she didn’t mind," Ryan said.
Jennie looked up at her with a vaguely puzzled expression. "She didn’t," she said quietly. "She got up and sat with me, Ryan. She put my head in her lap and rubbed it until I went back to sleep." With a look filled with wonder, she added, "No one’s ever done that for me."
"Everyone deserves to have their head rubbed," Ryan said. "I’m glad Catherine showed you how nice it can be." She shifted the sleeping baby in her arms and placed her back on Jennie’s lap. "Caitlin needs a little more cuddling. Do you mind? My arms are getting tired."
"No, I don’t mind," she said, accepting the heavy bundle. "She’s so sweet." She cuddled her against her chest and stroked her wispy blonde hair.
"So are you," Ryan whispered, bending to kiss Jennie’s head. "I’m gonna go get us a snack. You are hungry, aren’t you?"
"Always."
"Glad to know I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be young," Ryan said. "Be right back."
By late afternoon, the party was in full swing. The entire family was gathered around the pool, by Caitlin’s decree, and everyone took turns playing with her. Jamie and Ryan had spent most of the day in the kitchen, but both insisted that was their preference, so they were allowed to do as they wished.
"How does it feel to have everyone here?" Jamie asked during one of their frequent alone times.
"Good," Ryan said decisively. "I need a break every half hour or so, but it’s going pretty well. How about you?"
"I’m good," Jamie said. "I feel so much better having my mom in town, and spending time with her is just what the doctor ordered."
"I feel the same about my parents," Ryan sighed. "They’re pure comfort for me."
"It’s a little harder with the boys though, huh?"
"Not much," Ryan said. "They’re a little boisterous, and that gets on my nerves a bit, but that will calm down soon."
"That’s the attitude. It will all calm down soon."
The next afternoon, Jamie and Ryan saw everyone off, then did a final inspection of the house before they packed up as well. They were ready to go by 5 p.m., but Ryan seemed reticent to actually get into the car and leave.
Coming up behind her, Jamie snaked her arms around Ryan’s waist and hugged her close. "Having trouble leaving?"
"Yeah," she said, her voice low and soft. "I’m worried about what awaits us back in the real world."
Jamie turned her around and gazed into her eyes. "I don’t know about you, but the most frightening thing for me is facing what’s in here." She tapped her temple with her index finger. "Those guys out there are nothing compared to the monsters I have in here."
Ryan smiled gently, and nodded. "I’ve got a few creepy creatures in my head, too. I guess you’re right, we take them with us wherever we are."
"Yeah … but they’re getting less creepy all the time."
"They are," Ryan said. She wrapped her partner in a tight embrace. "You’ve been so wonderful to me, Jamie. I know it’s been hard for you, and I just hope you know how much I appreciate that you’ve been able to let me go at my own pace."
"Hey, you’re not the only one moving at a glacial pace," Jamie said. "I’m very tentative, too, Ryan, and you’ve been very understanding of my needs, also."
"We’ll get there, baby," the taller woman whispered. "It’s taking longer than I have patience for, but we’ll get there."
"I know we will," Jamie sighed. "I have confidence in us."
"Well, it didn’t take them long to guess where we were going," Ryan said as they drove by the O’Flaherty home and saw the large assemblage of reporters. "They must have radioed ahead for reinforcements."
"You feeling okay?" Jamie asked, just a little worried.
"Yeah. I’m going to give this my best shot," she said. They found a parking spot about two blocks up Noe, and by the time they were out of the car, several reporters had raced up the street. They started to shout their questions, but Ryan ignored them completely, acting as though they were invisible. "Would you rather carry the suitcases, or clear the way?" she asked her partner, a small smile firmly fixed upon her face.
"Let’s each carry one, and each use an arm to push our way through," Jamie said, greatly relieved to have her partner acting so normally. They did just that, neither woman seeming to pay the slightest attention to the questions, or the thrusting microphones. Shooting a glance at her partner, Jamie was both pleased and amazed to see that there wasn’t a flicker of anxiety or tension on Ryan’s face. She looked like she was walking down the street all alone, sa
ve for the raised arm with the sharp elbow pointed menacingly at all who dared to come too close.
They reached the house without serious incident, and as they hit the door, Ryan opened it wide, allowing Duffy to fly out. He jumped frantically, licking both Ryan and Jamie, then ran for the pack of reporters who had daringly climbed the stairs after them. He was so exuberant that he practically knocked them down the stairs backwards, just as Ryan had hoped. She stood in the doorway, smiling benignly at the scrambling men, all trying to keep their balance as they walked backwards, slowly descending the stairs to get away from the frantic pink tongue. As they departed, she went to the deck railing, a deeply satisfied look on her face. "Our pestilent infestation of reporters is being exterminated in a very efficient manner," she intoned, sparing a glance at her partner. As soon as the dog neared the sidewalk, she called to him, and he turned and flew back up, his tail wagging fiercely.
The dog ran into the house after them, squealing with delight. "I think he missed us," Jamie observed dryly, as the dog caught Ryan flatfooted and knocked her onto her butt. He was licking her so frantically that Ryan was completely unable to defend herself, and Jamie made the ultimate sacrifice and joined her on the floor, letting Duffy spread his love between them equally.
"You do love me," Ryan said, as Duffy started to work on her ear.
"Yep, I do," Jamie said. "I’ll gladly sacrifice myself to keep you safe."
Ryan reached out and grabbed her, wrapping her in the protective cocoon of her long arms and legs, effectively blocking Duffy from reaching her. "And I’ll do the same for you," she sighed heavily, thoroughly relieved to be back home.
They were still on the floor when Conor, Rory and Kevin came in a few minutes later, and Duffy immediately relinquished his attentions on the girls to take off after the men of the family. "Are you sure your Uncle Patrick took Duffy to his house?" Jamie asked. " The dog acts like he’s been locked in the closet for three days."
"Well," Ryan said, getting to her feet and pulling her partner with her, "he’s got food and water, and there’s a message in Uncle Patrick’s hand saying he brought him home at 8 o’clock." She slapped her hand with the paper and said, "I guess it could be an elaborate ruse. Duffy, were you in the closet?" The big dog just stared at her, ears up, pink tongue hanging out. "He won’t talk, as usual," Ryan said. "The darned dog’s as hard headed as I am."
"Oh, surely not!" Jamie cried, flinging herself at her partner, knocking her onto the sofa.
Ryan rolled over and straddled her waist, pinning her arms at the same time. "You’re starting to take after Duffy!" she cried. "What’s gotten into you?"
"He must have gotten me wired up," the smaller woman said. "Plus, running the gauntlet of reporters got my blood pumping, too."
"You did great," Ryan said.
"You’re the one who did great," Jamie said. "You acted like you couldn’t even hear them!"
"I couldn’t. I just decided they weren’t there, and I focused all of my energies on getting down the street. I was staring at the ground so intently that I could almost see the individual molecules of sand, cement and aggregate that made up the concrete."
"Lord, I wish I could concentrate like that! I heard every stupid question, but I stayed calm because you were calm."
"That’s how we balance each other out," Ryan said. "If I was freaked, you would have been calm. It’s what we do," she said softly, a gentle smile on her face.
They hadn’t been home for ten minutes when Jamie’s cell phone rang. "When are you coming home?" Mia asked crossly. "I’m lonesome!"
"Hi, sweetie! We’ll be home in the morning. Can’t wait to see you. I was really sorry you couldn’t come down to the beach this weekend."
"I was too, but I had to go see my parents. I missed ‘em, but seeing all of their pictures of Rome made me glad I didn’t go with. I swear, they were at some church or another the whole time! For a fallen-away Catholic, my mom’s sure a church nut!"
"The churches in Rome are as architecturally and artistically interesting as they are religious," Jamie said.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Mia said. "And this eye doesn’t like to behold churches!"
It felt odd to be back in their bed, and Jamie had to struggle to avoid feeling jealous of Duffy. The happy dog was being cuddled fiercely by his mistress, and Jamie longed for just a tenth of the affection Ryan was lavishing on him. But she reminded herself that Ryan was doing her very best, and tried to be grateful that the dark woman had some means of getting the physical attention that she needed.
Once they were all comfortable, Jamie took out her book and started to read the psalms to Ryan. Much to her pleasure, the blue eyes fluttered closed after just a few minutes, and soon all three inhabitants of the bed were sound asleep.
The next morning, Ryan spent a good fifteen minutes talking Conor out of taking the day off to go to school with her. "I’m fine," she said. "Really, Con. I have some techniques to deal with the stress now. I’m sure I’ll be fine."
"But I took you to school the last time you were scared," he said.
"Conor, that was my first day of kindergarten," she said. "I’ve matured a little since I was four."
"Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? I really don’t mind."
"Yes, I’m sure, bro. It’s gonna be a little rough, but I’ll be fine. And if anyone gives me a hard time, I’ll just tell them that my big brother’s gonna come and beat ‘em up!"
"I will, Ryan," he said, giving her a completely serious look. "I don’t take kindly to people causing trouble for my little sister."
"I know," she said, ruffling his hair affectionately. "You go on to work. If I need you, I’ll page you."
"Okay." He finally relented, leaving just as Jamie came upstairs. "I’ll beat up anyone who gives you a hard time, too, Jamie," he called out as he departed.
"That was an odd greeting," the blonde said. "Have you talked to Amanda yet?"
"Nope." Ryan looked at her watch. "I’m talking to her at seven a.m. and six p.m., every day this week. If the week goes well, we’re gonna cut it down by a few sessions next week. How about you?"
"I’m gonna see Anna every day, too. We’ll probably cut down a bit next week, as well." She looked at her partner and said, "You pay close attention to make sure you’re getting what you need over the phone, okay? We can find you someone local if it isn’t working for you."
"I know. Amanda said the same thing. She’s really looking out for my best interests, honey."
"That’s why I like her," Jamie said. "I’ve got to get going now. You don’t mind taking your motorcycle, do you?"
"No. I’ll be able to use the carpool lane, so leaving late won’t be so bad." She wrapped her arms around her partner and said, "Are you okay with going alone? I could talk to Amanda on my cell phone if you need me to be with you."
"I’m fine, sweetheart. I know you’ll worry, so walk me down to the car, okay?"
"Like you could stop me," Ryan said. "Duffy! Come on, boy. Time for a little walk." The big dog came scampering over, wagging his tail enthusiastically. Ryan reached down and patted his head, saying, "Now don’t be shy about saying hello to all of the nice men outside. They particularly like it when you jump up on them – really hard – at about groin level." Smiling at Jamie, she reported, "Your escort is ready!"
When she entered the Berkeley house, Ryan’s mouth gaped open in surprise. The table by the front door was piled a foot high with mail, Jamie’s penchant for shopping via catalog finally catching up with her. When she pushed the mail to one side, she saw sticky notes lining the entire table – no less than fifty of the 2 x 3 inch notes covering the surface. The early ones bore Mia’s somewhat sloppy cursive writing detailing the caller and their message, but the ones received last night bore pithy comments like, "Some asshole reporter called – 1 a. fucking m." Oh-oh, Mia’s reached her limit.
Heading into the kitchen, Ryan spotted the grumpy woman eating a bowl of cereal. He
r curly head tilted up and she said, "Good thing for you that I love you two. The fucking phone is about to drive me mad." She gave Ryan a half smile and got up, giving her a big hug. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too," Ryan said, holding on to her for a long time. "We’ll pay your cell phone bill for the month, so go ahead and use it exclusively. Until this dies down, we just won’t answer the main number." She took the handset off the wall phone and tossed it into the trash. "Good riddance."
"How are you feeling about being back at school, buddy? You okay?"
"Well, to be honest, I’m a little freaked out. I wish Jamie had been able to be with me this morning so we could walk to school together. I’m doing better – but I’m still a little afraid that I’ll deck someone." She shook her head and said, "I’m honestly afraid that I’ll break Cassie’s head open if I see her. I hope to God she’s got the sense to run if she catches sight of me."
"Uhm … are you guys still trying to avoid looking at the news?"
"Yeah. We’re totally out of the loop. Why?"
"Well, something happened while you were gone that you should know about."
"Now what?"
"Well … someone from your team talked to the tabloids, Ryan. They said you had some kind of a meltdown when you returned from the Bahamas …"
"Oh, fuck." Ryan sat down, looking like she was going to be sick. "Those dirty motherfuckers!"
"Uhm … your coach called right after it happened, and I talked to her for a long time. She seemed strangely … nice," she said.
"Yeah, she’s not so bad. What did she have to say?"
"She said that she was going to try to find out who ratted you out, and then kick them off the team. She sounded very upset about the whole thing, Ryan. She seemed to really care about you."
"Yeah … I think she does." Ryan shook her dark head and said, "I think I know who talked – and I have a feeling that she was in cahoots with a certain soon-to-be-deceased former roommate of yours."
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