Triquetra

by Marguerite Labbe

  My skin should have been crawling, but it wasn’t.

  “Let’s get out of here, Jake.” Steve’s fingers plucked my sleeve and he gave the remaining vampires an uneasy look.

  “Go where?” I scrubbed a hand through my hair. “No, I think I’m gonna stay here a bit.” Just in case…. I shook my head again. I couldn’t bring myself to leave, not yet.

  Steve’s hand gripped my shoulder hard in a rough squeeze. “Jake, man, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t you fucking say it,” I said between clenched teeth. “Don’t say it, Steve.”

  The burning sting in my eyes that had threatened earlier came back with a vengeance. I searched the room again, desperate for something to keep me from losing it and bawling like a goddamned baby. I felt myself teetering on that edge and was terrified of that long fall on the other end.

  My eyes fell on Tony, who stood in the back, watching Kristair’s friends, with terror twisting his features. I snarled. The rage that had fled with Roland’s death flooded back through me.

  “Jake, wait! Shit!” Steve shouted, as I dove for my former friend.

  Tony’s head whipped in my direction. His gray-green eyes widened in new horror. “Jake—” Whatever else he had been going to say was lost as my hands closed around his throat.

  “It’s all your fucking fault!” I screamed.

  The tears finally found their escape, falling free. I sobbed as I shook him by his throat, his head jerking back and forth. Tony’s hands clawed mine, trying to loosen my grip so he could talk. I didn’t want to hear a damned thing he had to say. Steve was shouting in my ear, trying to pry me off Tony. I let go with one hand and shoved him back.

  “Jake, I’m sorry,” Tony gasped, freeing himself with a jerk. “I thought he was hurting you. He—”

  I slammed my fist into his jaw and wrapped my hands around his throat again. Tony growled. His eyes went flat as he extended his fangs. Good, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to fight me in return. “You lied to me and he’s dead now.”

  There, it was out. And instead of providing relief from some the pressure inside me, it only made it worse.

  Hands tore at me, yanking me off Tony. I shouted, fighting the arms that caged me. They were impossibly strong; I couldn’t budge them. Hugh was holding Steve back, Deke had Tony, and the women and Ussier stood to the side watching us.

  “It’s over with, young man. Killing your friend won’t bring Kristair back,” Ussier said.

  “He’s not my friend,” I snapped, glaring at Tony and seeing my words strike home. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to hurt him more. I wanted to hurt them all until the pain and fear went away, or until Kristair came home.

  “Tony is exiled from everything he knows and cares for now,” the other man said softly, releasing his grip on me. “One day you’ll remember that. Perhaps then you’ll think his punishment is more fitting.” Artemise’s dark blue eyes were old, centuries of wisdom behind them, and they cut deeply into my soul.

  I already missed Kristair so much. I couldn’t bear it.

  I turned away, numbness stealing over me. They must’ve let Steve go again because suddenly he was in front of me, his gaze angry and intent. “You can’t let them do this.” He grabbed my arm. “Fucking do something. I know you’re pissed, but we’ll work it out. Fuck, man, you know him. He wouldn’t have done it on purpose.”

  It took me a moment to figure out what the hell he was talking about. Then I heard Tony scream. I glanced over my shoulder at the man I’d once considered a brother. The woman and the girl were dragging him toward the coffin that had been brought in for Kristair. Tony fought wildly, but they handled him as if he was a babe.

  “Dammit, they’ll listen to you,” Steve insisted, giving me a little shake.

  Tony’s eyes were locked on me. “Please, Jake…. Jake, don’t let them.” I knew he was terrified, but I couldn’t seem to make it register, inside my brain or my heart. I was so cold. “Please! I’m sorry. He attacked us! You, me, Steve…. He was hurting you, that’s what they told me.”

  My eyes hardened and I shook my head. I shrugged off Steve and stepped around him toward the door. Tony’s cry of despair tugged at me. He was right; they might listen if I asked. And if I’d kept him in the loop, if I had told him…. No, no god fucking damnit. Tony knew what he was doing. He lied to us. “He’s one of them now, Steve. He should go where he belongs.”

  “He’s what Kristair was.” Steve’s furious growl stopped me in my tracks.

  I looked back, watching Tony disappear as the coffin lid slammed down, trapping him with ringing finality. I closed my eyes, hearing Tony’s final shriek echo my ears, seeing again the look of agony and fighting rage on Kristair’s face in his final moments before he’d disappeared in the flash of light.

  I opened my eyes again and met Steve’s gaze. “I’m sorry, man. I don’t fucking have it in me right now to be forgiving,” I said, then turned and walked out the door.

  Epilogue

  I GROANED. Kristair’s mouth was feverish on my throat and I arched my neck to give him better access. My hands tightened on his shoulders in anticipation of him biting me.

  “Please, love….” I couldn’t begin to say how much I needed him to feed off of me, to renew our connection.

  Kristair’s hands were greedy on my skin, touching me everywhere with frantic haste. His cock throbbed against mine and my breath skittered. My heart skipped a beat. “Dammit, Kristair,” I whined, digging my nails into his skin as his mouth continued to torment my throat. His lips and teeth nipped and sucked, but not hard enough to do anything but tease.

  I cupped his face in my hands. My fingers caressed his scalp and then I lifted his head. Kristair’s eyes were dark and unreadable as he met my gaze. It reminded me so much of how he seemed to me before our minds had mated. His expression was unreadable, his emotions locked away from me as unfathomable and enigmatic as he’d once been.

  “Kristair, talk to me,” I whispered, brushing my thumbs across his cheekbones. His eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into my touch, his lashes sooty long arcs against his cheek. His continued silence was starting to worry me. “What is it?”

  He turned his head, pressing a kiss to my palm. His lips slid farther down, his tongue tracing, almost tickling, along the thin blue veins of my wrist. My breath caught as I saw the suggestion of fangs peeking out from the bottom of his lip. Oh god, please.

  Kristair glanced at me, his teeth nipping at my wrist hard, though not enough to break the skin. Hot tears stung my eyes. They spilled over, tracking down my face, and he kissed them away before kissing me. I tasted the wet salt on his lips as he rolled us over and wrapped his legs around my waist. He arched up against me in silent invitation. I could almost hear him in my mind, whispering for me to penetrate him, but it was a ghost of a sound, barely realized.

  I woke up with a gasp, the sheets tangled in a knot around my sweaty body.

  I turned, my arm reaching out to sling around Kristair and drag him to me, even as my mind screamed, reminding me he was gone. I sat up slowly, raking a hand through my hair and fisting it tight. I tugged on it hard until my scalp stung.

  Drawing my knees up, I dropped my forehead against them so I wouldn’t see the empty bed. I pressed the knuckles of my other hand against my lips to keep myself from making all those wounded sounds that begged to be released.

  I could still feel Kristair in so many ways. All the knowledge he gathered was mine now. His memories and experiences were a part of my mind and they sometimes tricked me into thinking he was talking to me. But his emotions and thoughts were silenced. Forever. It was almost worse than not having him at all. I often found myself on the verge of telling him something that came to me or asking him a question, only to realize when he didn’t answer that he was gone.

  Kristair haunted my dreams at night as much as he occupied my thoughts during the day. He had been gone for weeks now, yet his silent presence followed me about as doggedly as he had when he’d ho
unded me last fall before I’d given in to him. Months that were wasted now. It hurt to breathe, to think, to do anything. I was a damn zombie going through the motions.

  When I trusted myself to not break down, I rose from my bed. My body ached from the constant heavy tension I carried around. I stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, trying to shake off the cobwebs of my dream. I could almost taste him on my lips, feel the ghost of his touch on my fevered body.

  I went back into my bedroom and climbed up into the windowsill. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I leaned my cheek against the cool pane, closed my eyes, and sighed. I pictured Kristair outside watching me as he had for so many nights. My fingertips brushed the glass. “I miss you so damned much.”

  We had only been a couple for a few short months. He should’ve been easy to put behind me, but so much happened in that time. And even if nothing had happened and we’d had a normal, quiet relationship, if the Syndicate hadn’t been fucking with us, or we hadn’t been wrapped up in Kristair’s illness, or I hadn’t lost one of my best friends; even if it had been calm and sane I still wouldn’t have been able to let go.

  Kristair knew me more intimately than anyone ever could. We had been a part of each other, mind and soul, shared everything, good and bad, for months. He had ruined me for anybody else. No other relationship would ever be able to compete with the one I had with him. Even if I was willing to open myself up to someone else, which I wasn’t.

  I was alone. Gnawing, aching, empty, alone.

  Kayla and Steve tried to fill up the spaces. Their efforts were wasted and I felt guilty about that too. Kayla was also grieving for the man she considered a father, and I couldn’t be there for her right now. Besides, Steve had to be far more comforting to her right now than me.

  Spring practice was going to start soon. I opened my eyes again and stared blindly down onto the street below. It seemed unreal. I couldn’t imagine doing running and passing drills when everything else in my life had crumbled into dust. The fall was supposed to be the start of my greatest year. It would be my senior year. My last chance to make a good impression for the scouts. At one point in time, I had been more than ready for it.

  Now I was lost. At times, I was consumed with rage, toward Tony for betraying us, the Syndicate for being such manipulative bastards in the first place, and most often toward Kristair for giving up and leaving me behind. I felt it start to build up now just thinking about it.

  I gritted my teeth, my hands clenching into fists as I tried to force it all back down again. I smiled a half-smile, a feral smile. I had become a pro at it by now. When the frenzy dissipated again, I was left shaking and drained, with a throbbing headache.

  Maybe it would be better if I could cry and get it all out, but I couldn’t, because then I think I would have to admit to myself he wasn’t coming back. I sure as hell wasn’t ready to face that yet.

  I dropped my head onto my knees again, cold sinking into my muscles. “I’m such a fucking coward, Kristair.”

  My chest ached painfully, and for a moment, I couldn’t draw a breath around the tangled knot where my heart was supposed to be. “I wish you were here with me.” If I could just feel his arms around me one more time….

  My heart lurched in response and I gasped, my head jerking up as déjà vu washed over me. With trembling fingers, I touched the spot over the right side of my chest, and then pressed my palm against the tattoos.

  As if sensing my touch, Kristair’s heart started beating within me again.

  For Suzane Ritch,

  for all her years of support,

  the brainstorming and beta reads, and

  for providing me with an anchor back home.

  I love you.

  For her husband Wayne,

  who probably heard much more

  of my stories than he wanted to and

  allowed me to steal his wife’s time on many a night.

  And for our muses, the Idjits and

  Amber and Lasoe, who put up with us.

  Chapter 1

  A SENSATION. A thought. A dawning sense of individuality drew my notice and woke me up. I had been drifting, caught up in the swirl of mass consciousness for how long I didn’t know. Time had no meaning here, or the Ascended existed outside of time, or all points of time at once. I knew not which.

  Only now, terms such as I and me began to form in my psyche; words altogether foreign to the whole. Though we speak with many voices, the Ascended were of one mind; one being. Independence and individualism held no meaning for us; no importance. Instead of thinking in terms of we and us, this new possibility of existence including things such as I or me seemed new, yet somehow familiar. Words that made me separate from the whole, distinct in my own right.

  Why was I different?

  “Stay.”

  The whispering started again, pulled me back under, my brief moment of individuality swept under the weight of the hive mind. Other elements, other psyches left on occasion and came back. We changed in an endless ebb and flow of different minds, a kaleidoscope of personalities and souls, moving in shifting, myriad patterns. I allowed myself to be incorporated back into the whole without a fight. There was still so much left to learn and I wasn’t ready to stand on my own.

  At least, that was what they kept telling me.

  Yet something else continued to tug at my mind, keeping me from sinking back into oblivion. I shifted, flitting over other distinct psyches searching for the tether that insisted on propelling me ever onward. My systematic hunt was interrupted again and again as I lost track of my bearings as other minds came or left, forcing me to start from the beginning.

  Then I realized the compelling force wasn’t coming from my companions. It was elsewhere; somewhere beyond the boundaries of my new world. Curious, I drifted. Sometimes old memories, strange desires darted through my mind before being forgotten again. I felt along the edges of the mass consciousness and realized there was yet another place that existed beyond my new life.

  Somehow, I managed to find my way to the outer limits of the barrier and forced an opening to the other side. I wasn’t sure how I accomplished the feat and it was as if my eyes opened again. Or maybe a more apt term might be that I had my mind reawakened. All of existence unfurled before me, other dimensions, universes, galaxies, whole civilizations being born and others dying.

  I froze. The vastness of the beyond was frightening, terrifying in its breadth and weight. It was enormous, mind-numbing, unbelievable and unfathomable by any one individual. Out there was to be alone, while here inside my bubble there was constant companionship. No, I would stay here where it was safe. Where I was safe. I was but newly born and needed to be with my family.

  Then the call came again. No words, no thought behind it, just pure emotion driving away my fears with an overwhelming sense of loss and despair.

  I slipped through the barrier separating me from the rest of existence and stood alone. The call was stronger here, almost agonizing in its intensity. My psyche took shape into a form I recognized and I trembled. My mind whirled, trying to decipher what it all meant. I could hear the Ascended whispering, calling me back home. There was something about them and the unique sound they made that was significant and teased my memory. But the other plea was stronger, almost shrieking, drowning out the Ascended and my nascent understanding. Yet I didn’t know how to find it or how to sever the connection.

  As I struggled with the dilemma, another presence emerged next to me. Her semblance was as thin as mine. I knew her. Yet in the same moment I didn’t. Why couldn’t I remember? I had touched upon her once or twice in the mass, of that I was sure. But that wasn’t where I knew her from. It was someplace else, long gone and forgotten. Her hair was dark golden, her eyes a serious brown. Somehow, she seemed to be more a part of me than the other Ascended, yet I knew not why.

  “You shouldn’t be here.” Her voice was gentle and coaxing. “You aren’t ready yet.”

  “I know,” I re
plied and studied her face, searching for the elusive trigger that would cause everything to fall into place.

  She held out her hand. “Come back with us. Come home.”

  I started toward her, the sweet song of the other minds swelling, beckoning me into their comfortable anonymity. Then I hesitated, drawing back as my fetter yanked toward the unknown call. Through the connection, I could sense agony, a desperate loneliness and rage. I cried out, my mind spinning from the brief contact.

  “It’s time to let him go,” she said, moving closer. “Your old life is long past. It doesn’t concern you now.”

  Her words made sense, but I found myself moving away from her again, evading her hand. I sensed that, if she touched me, the link between myself and my unknown puppet master would be shattered once the Ascended enveloped me again. Maybe it was foolish, but I didn’t want to lose the part of myself that made me distinct from the rest.

  “No… not yet.”

  “If you wish.” She drew back, patience in her eyes. “In time it will become less on its own. We thought merely to ease your discomfort.”

  Two sides pulled at me. One offered solace, new knowledge, and constant companionship, the other confusion and pain. It was a ludicrous decision, yet still I found myself letting the outside one pull me along. It needed me more.

  She disappeared in a flash of confused images, too quick for me to make out. A distant world of blue and swirling white appeared before me and I hurtled toward it. Then it changed to a jumbled maze of concrete and glass, scents and sounds that left me aching.

  He called again.

  He?

  I struggled to make sense of it all, but the jigsaw puzzle refused to match up into a complete, sensible picture. He called me.

  He who?

  Too much information bombarded me; a whole world of sensation and memory and words. It was painful and I struggled to pull away again. Afraid, I wanted—no, needed—to go back to where I belonged. But he wouldn’t let me.