“I’d be very put out if you did. Just see what you can dig up; then pass it on. I’d like to get my hands on them personally. And don’t fuss so much. The old man hasn’t been around this long without learning a thing or two about survival. Human or not, it’s going to be hard to catch him unawares.”
Ussier didn’t know my lover the way I did. Kristair’s intelligence and tenacity I didn’t doubt for one bit, but I did worry about his state of mind. And damn him for being such a closed-mouth ass on that score.
Ussier clapped me on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “I really do appreciate this.”
“Why did you help me after Kristair was gone? For all you knew, it was over and done with, you owed me nothing. Forgive me if I’m offending you, but you never struck me as a man who did anything without anticipating getting something in return. What did you think I could possibly offer you?”
Ussier laughed. “You’re kidding right? Maybe you don’t appreciate just how unusual you are. Not only did you capture the old man’s devotion, but you bonded with him on a level I still don’t understand. You were the only human ever to have a vampire’s abilities without changing into one yourself, which meant you didn’t have any of our weaknesses. I don’t think you realize how much power you were sitting on.”
“I knew. Even though I didn’t want to know,” I replied softly. Then I shook my head, banishing old memories. “When we’ve got your answers, are we done? All debts cleared?”
Ussier regarded me steadily, and for a moment I thought I might’ve pushed the vampire lord too far. “You really are hell-bent on protecting him aren’t you? I can respect that. Yeah, you get me the answers I want and the table’s clean between us.”
“Somehow I doubt it’s the last I’d hear from you though.”
He laughed again and clapped me on the arm before unlocking his 4Runner, only reinforcing my opinion that Ghedi Ussier was not the kind of man who let anyone slip through his fingers that he could use to his benefit. “I do like you, kid. See you around.”
Chapter 4
I LISTENED intently for Jacob’s return, the stomp of his feet and the second slam of the screen door, only when he did come back, he did so quietly. I had my back turned to him, busying myself at the counter, but I sensed his return like a coming thunderstorm, somehow all the more ominous because he wasn’t ranting.
“You’re angry,” I said, turning my head in his direction just enough so I could see him out of the corner of my eye, though I remained where I was.
“Doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out,” Jacob said, his voice deceptively soft. I knew that tone. He wasn’t in one of his shouting, arm-waving fits—he had gone past spitting furious to obdurate reason. He wanted some concession from me and wasn’t going to ease up until he got it. And the anger was still there, simmering under the surface, fueling his determination.
“I’m sorry I spoke to you the way I did. I didn’t want to argue about it in front of him. It was….” I paused, searching for the right word as Jacob laid a hand on the counter on each side of me, caging me between his body and the counter. His closeness was electric and robbed me of my words. “Discourteous, especially after—”
“Oh, I know why you did it,” Jacob interrupted, his breath fanning the back of my neck, causing a ripple of awareness to strum through me. “Our old mental speech would’ve been quite handy then. Don’t you think?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “Having you rage in my head would’ve been distracting.”
“You’re doing it again.”
My lover knew just how potent he was to my senses and used it shamelessly to his advantage. Right then we were so close I could feel the heat of his body, though he wasn’t touching me. Between that and the force of his anger, which was warranted, I admitted to myself, I found it hard to gather my skittering arguments. “Doing what?”
“Every time I bring up our old connection you dismiss it or ignore it. Why’s that, you think?”
I set down the pile of silverware I’d been sorting and tamped down my initial dismay. “I’m not going to waste my energy pining for something I cannot have.”
“You know what I think?”
“I think you think too much,” I said with exasperation.
But at this moment, I’d dearly have loved a peek into his mind, if only to discover the best way to soothe him without breaking my word to Ussier. That I couldn’t was an open wound I tried my best to ignore. Trust Jacob to stir up things that were best left alone.
“I think you’re hiding again, love.”
I stiffened and glared over my shoulder at him. “Are you calling me a coward?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. But you do guard your heart, Kristair, and you don’t acknowledge anything that might hurt you. And you refuse to admit that you’re afraid sometimes, when I know you are.”
Jacob saw so much. Even without our connection, he understood, he knew me in ways that no one else had my entire long existence. Which made it doubly pointless to talk about, if he knew already there was nothing to say. “What would admitting it prove?”
“That’s my point exactly.”
“Then please enlighten me,” I said through clenched teeth. “Because I’m failing to see it. And what does this have to do with your anger over Ussier’s request?” I turned around to face him, which was a mistake. Jacob’s eyes were a blazing, hot blue, and his face was set at its most stubborn. There was something about Jacob all fired up that got to me in the most primitive way possible.
“Everything, fucking everything. You’ve found yourself in a world you don’t understand, you feel like you’re powerless and lost, and instead of turning to me, you’re shutting me out. And I really don’t give a damn what the reasons are, but I want you to stop. What, you don’t think I won’t understand how it is to feel like that?”
I gaped at him, amazed at how close he came to the truth. How did he do that? Even with him knowing me, it was uncanny. “No, that’s not it at all. I know you do.” So many reasons flooded my mind, and I couldn’t articulate even one.
When I didn’t say anything else, the fire in his eyes ignited even more, and deep down, another thrill of anticipation rippled through me. Not that I wanted Jacob to be angry with me, but he made furious breathtaking.
“You refuse to acknowledge that we once had that connection. I bet you don’t even think about it because it hurts too much.”
“Mourning it is not going to bring it back, Jacob. I’d rather save my energies to adapting.” Which was as close as I was going to get to admitting that he was right. I’d been human once before; I could be human again. At least this time I had Jacob’s own experiences to help guide me. His memories had saved my pride on more than one occasion.
Some of the heat faded in Jacob’s gaze, and he gave me a small smile. “Why can’t we get it back? We didn’t have that connection because you were a vampire, not really. It’s something you learned to do by exercising that brain of yours and your people’s spell helped reinforce it. You keep saying my mind and will is strong, what’s to stop us from trying to develop the connection again?”
“You don’t think I haven’t thought of that?” I shook my head. “Yes, in theory it’s possible, but part of the trick is believing it will work, training your mind until the thought becomes reality.”
“Then there’s no problem.” Jacob grinned and pressed a quick, tingling kiss to my lips. “We know it will work. We just need some practice.”
“No, we don’t know. We don’t know what the Ascended have done to us. If they reduced us somehow to keep this from happening at all. I’m sure they were prudent enough to set limits. I know I would’ve, if I had been in their position.”
That shut him up for a second, but then Jacob’s chin jutted out stubbornly. “Whatever, maybe they did, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying it.”
I sighed, struggling for patience. “Jacob, mo chroí, consider this. What happens if we do try and it works?”
> “That would be rather fucking awesome.” When I didn’t immediately share his jubilation, Jacob’s smile turned into a frown. “So please tell me why you don’t think it’s awesome.”
“I’m concerned that it would give the Ascended an excuse to take me back. After all, I am supposed to be merely human now. And if they do take me back, I doubt they’d allow me to escape a second time.”
“Fucking a!” Jacob crossed his arms and scowled. “Dammit, I didn’t think of that. Okay, you’ve got a point,” he snapped.
I tugged his hand free as his eyes narrowed and kissed his knuckles. “Let it go,” I said softly, trying to appeal to my lover at his most stubborn. “Worrying at it won’t solve anything.”
He snorted and pulled his hand away, caging me between himself and the counter again. “You don’t know me very well, then, and we’re not even close to being finished.”
“What is there left to argue about? I’m not changing my mind about helping Ussier. I owe him a huge debt.” By all rights, Jacob should’ve been dead. If Ussier hadn’t helped him after I’d been taken…. I didn’t even like to think about what would’ve happened to him, because the best-case scenario was him being murdered outright. And the worst I couldn’t bear thinking about.
“We both do, and my conscience won’t let me ignore it either, as much as I bitched about it. And I’ll probably bitch about it pretty much non-stop until it’s over with. I’m going to help too.”
I wanted to smile at Jacob’s sour response but kept it hidden. Jacob’s sense of loyalty and fairness wouldn’t allow him to deny Ussier. I should’ve remembered that. “I know you wanted a normal life, mo chroí, and I’m sorry that once again my past is intruding on it.”
“Our past, and that’s not what’s pissing me the fuck off either,” Jacob said with his teeth clenched.
“Then what is it?” I raised my voice, goaded past patience. “Please, tell me what it is so I know.”
“I don’t trust you,” Jacob ground out, the words cutting deep. “Do you know how much it fucking infuriates me to admit that? As long as you keep things from me, as long as you keep all this bullshit locked up, I can’t trust you.”
“I have given you no reason at all to not trust me,” I lashed out, anger and hurt bubbling up out of a deep well. How could he say such a thing?
“Haven’t you? Think on it, Kristair, and when you do, get back to me.” I stared, aghast, as he walked away, and a few minutes later, the furious sounds of one of his video games drifted in from the living room.
Seething, confused, and hurt, I put some water in the kettle and placed it on the stove to heat before moving to the doorway between the kitchen and living room. Jacob sat cross-legged on the ground, his game controller on his lap, cursing a vicious storm as his character was riddled with bullets. His concentration was shot. I’d seen him make this run through the deserted, ruined city flawlessly a dozen times.
My lover knew I was there. Jacob’s shoulders had stiffened the moment I darkened the entryway, but he didn’t turn around. I stood and watched him, trying to make sense of it all, until the kettle began to whistle.
Even the ritual of making tea didn’t settle me down, and I took my steaming mug out onto the wraparound porch. Cool, soothing shadows enveloped me. A large maple stood in the yard, blocking most of the night sky. The moon was a bare sliver of silver and the stars distanced by the neighborhood streetlamps. The swing creaked as I sat down in it and stretched my legs onto the railing. Daylight was too harsh. This was the world I understood. A world that I reveled in.
Only it was no longer my world.
I could no longer penetrate the shadows and see as clearly as if it were day. I could no longer scent an approaching intruder as they neared, hear distinctive sounds amidst the motley background noise. If someone came at me, I had to rely on human strength, human reflexes. I couldn’t keep Jacob safe in the manner that I wanted to keep him safe.
We no longer had our supernatural abilities, but we couldn’t hide behind the safe ignorance of humans either. We were aware of the other world just as they were aware of us. A beautiful and terrible world. We couldn’t ignore it and hope they’d ignore us in return. We had to find a way to embrace both sides to survive.
Becoming a vampire had been a far more terrifying change at the onset, but I would admit, this change back to being a human was harder to adjust to. And it irritated me all the more because I was having such difficulties reconciling what I had been with what I was now. I had never been one of those who had railed against being a vampire, who had thought it was a curse. Still, I believed the sacrifice was worth it.
I couldn’t understand what else Jacob wanted from me. I was trying to adjust in the only way I knew how. Couldn’t he see that?
I wasn’t sure how long I sat out there, but my tea had grown cold by the time I heard the screen door open and Jacob stepped out onto the porch. The ache in my chest swelled up, and I closed my eyes. I hated quarreling with him. It left me shaken and uncertain, vulnerable in ways I’d never allowed myself to be before he came into my life.
He didn’t say a word, but I knew he was looking at me the same way I had been studying him before I came out here. I finally turned my head and met his gaze. His face was cast in shadows, but I knew this man better than my own self in many ways, and he was aching just as much as I.
“Did you come out here to see whether or not I took your car and went out on my own?” The accusation came out before I could censor it. It was as if I had some perverse need to nettle him.
“The thought did come to mind.”
“I wouldn’t dare touch your baby.” That car, a royal blue ’79 Camaro Z28, had been Jacob’s first purchase after he’d signed with the NFL. I’d helped him piece it together, following his tutelage, until it was fully restored. It now sat gleaming in the driveway, and I hadn’t a clue of how to drive it. All I knew was that it was more complicated than my own. I could let Jacob’s memories guide me as I did in other things, but I wasn’t sure he had that good of a grasp on driving himself.
“You are too proud and stubborn, and I didn’t come out here to fight with you again,” Jacob said evenly.
“You are just as guilty as I am when it comes to being proud and stubborn, Jacob Allen Corvin.”
“True.” He crossed over to me and took my mug, setting it on the railing before kneeling on the swing and straddling my lap. “And I’m sorry for what I said.”
Jacob apologizing first was a novelty, and it was enough to make me back down from my defensive stance. “If I admit that I’m afraid, will you tell me why you don’t trust me?” That bothered me more than I could say, and Jacob’s expression softened.
“That came out wrong.” Once again, frustration crossed his face. “Fuck. I don’t know how to explain it. But it comes down to this: It pisses me off that I can’t figure out how you’re going to respond to this investigation. Everything’s changed for you and you haven’t reacted at all. You’ve had your damn poker face on since you’ve returned. I keep feeling like you’re shoving everything away and one day you’re just going to explode when it gets to be too much. And I can’t help but wonder if this is going to be the trigger or not.”
“Jacob, may I point out that you’re the hothead, not me. I don’t explode.”
“Oh really?” Jacob gave me a penetrating look. “Maybe you don’t go off all half-cocked like I do, but once you consider someone an enemy you hunt them down without any mercy.”
“That’s the way it should be. Leaving an enemy around to hound you again is pure foolishness.”
“Wait, I’m not done.” Jacob fisted a hand in his hair. “Just because I run hot and you run cold when it comes to fighting doesn’t mean the same things don’t drive us, the same emotions.” I had to concede Jacob’s point there. Sometimes I forgot how well he understood how people worked. He had an innate wisdom when it came to others.
“And when you get caught up trying to protect someone, Kri
stair, you don’t always think things through. I worry to death that you’re gonna forget that you’re not some badass vampire anymore now that your friends are threatened and that you’re going to get yourself killed. Either because you haven’t given yourself a chance to adapt yet or because you’re trying to prove yourself.”
Jacob watched me as I floundered for a reply. Sometimes he could show remarkable patience, and he did so now, waiting for me with at least a semblance of calm. This wasn’t a random lashing out as I had thought. Jacob had very valid reasons for being upset, and for once, I didn’t know how to reassure him. I was going against two thousand years of instinct, all of which said to chase down whoever was behind the murders and do whatever was necessary to destroy them.
“I will admit that I haven’t thought of it from quite that perspective.” Jacob breathed a sigh, and tension I hadn’t realized he still carried flowed out of him. “You’re right to worry and all I can say is that I’ll try, I swear I’ll try to be extra careful and diligent about what I can and cannot do.”
Even admitting that much of my limitations stung.
“Well, that’s a start, and I’m not going to push you for anything more now.” Jacob leaned in and brushed his lips over mine. “Look, I know I hurt ya with what I said, and….”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You wouldn’t.” He ran his fingers over my scalp and rubbed his thumb along my jaw. I slid my hands up, cupping the back of his head. “But I know I did and I’m sorry.”
“No apologies are necessary, mo chroí, not if you kiss me,” I said, drawing his head down, anxious to taste him, to feel the physical connection again and know that everything was once again okay between us.
“I’m gonna do damn more than kiss you,” Jacob said in a husky voice, and then our lips met, and I knew.
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