by K. L. Slater
‘Boyfriend?’ Jim said, raising his eyebrows.
My head is buzzing, threatening the mother of all headaches.
‘Yes, well I was on my way to the hospital and then – for God’s sake, what does it matter now? You’re all just sitting here in judgement of me, anyway.’
‘Right, well I’m going to press on here. I’m afraid there have been more complaints, Anna,’ Jim continues, his face pale and lined. ‘Serious complaints that have had to be formally investigated.’
Colin Freckleton coughs and reads in a nasal, robotic voice from a sheet of paper.
‘We have carried out two brief covert operations and our investigations are still ongoing.’
‘What does that mean?’ I demand but he avoids my stare.
A rapidly growing sense of injustice is cancelling out the shock and embarrassment of facing Mike Harvey after our driving disagreement. They are ganging up against me; it’s like the school playground all over again.
‘Where’s your proof?’ I try but fail to stop my voice rising and it fills the small office. It feels like I’m listening to someone else, someone confident and unafraid. ‘You need proof before you throw accusations at your employees.’
Jim pushes an A4 envelope across the desk.
‘The RMIB report and associated findings are in there, Anna,’ he says in a regretful tone. ‘We’ll be calling a formal disciplinary meeting next week, and I strongly suggest you find someone to accompany you who can properly support you this time, ideally your union representative.’
Jim knows full well I’m not a member of the useless union. The subs are considerable, and the days when the union had any teeth are over.
‘We’ve called you in today to inform you that you are officially suspended from duty pending our further investigations into suspected serious professional misconduct,’ Colin Freckleton drones on.
I stand up, heat gushing through my body.
‘How dare you?’ I scream, sweeping my arm across the desk and knocking off papers and plastic cups of water.
The woman squeals and jumps back as water splashes her expensive clothing.
‘All my loyal service and devotion to this job and you try and treat me like a common criminal?’ I grab my handbag and storm from the room, slamming the door so hard the sound ricochets throughout the whole building.
As I stomp through the delivery office I pull bags and junk mail from pigeonholes, sweep ink pads and envelopes from the surfaces on to the floor.
Finally, when I reach the exit door, I smash the fire alarm glass and let loose a deafening wail that heralds my departure.
Chapter 53
Thirteen years earlier
Carla reeled from Anna’s explanation. All this time she’d assumed Danny had referred to a man but he’d been talking about God.
Her mind joined up the dots.
‘Anna, this is important. Do you know if the priest is hurting Danny?’ Carla said softly.
The girl looked away, her jaw sagging. Her blue eyes glittered with emotion, her cheeks flushing with two hot red spots on a pale background.
‘Is that a yes?’
Anna shook her head.
‘Father MacCarrick isn’t hurting Danny, Miss. He spends loads of time with him at church to try and get him to open up about Mother, but Danny won’t. He won’t say a word to anyone.’
‘Does the priest know your mother is abusing Daniel?’
‘He knows something is wrong at home but he hasn’t got a clue how bad it is. Danny told him he was seeing a counsellor at school and Father MacCarrick told him to stop going, that he should talk to God instead. He even tutored Danny on his altar-server duties so he didn’t get into trouble with Mother, but Danny still messed it up.’ Big fat tears plop into her hands. ‘Only I see what she does to him. She whips him raw to purge the bad out of him, miss, but I daren’t tell the priest in case he tries to talk to her about it.’
Carla shivered. She sat very still.
She could see Anna clearly wasn’t a nurtured and cared for child but she seemed to be escaping the harsh treatment Monica Clarke reserved for her son.
‘Why, Anna? Why Danny and not you?’
‘She didn’t want my brother; she got pregnant by mistake and that’s why Dad left home. Every time she looks at Danny he reminds her of how everything went wrong, and she blames him.’ Anna looked down at her twisting hands. ‘She thinks Danny stands between her and God and that he must be cleansed.’
Anna stood up suddenly.
‘I have to go, have to see if Danny is OK.’
‘Just a few more minutes, Anna, then we can get help. Let’s sit down and—’
Anna ran, wrenching the office door open, and disappeared down the hall.
By the time Carla reached the doorway to call her back, Anna was already out of sight.
Chapter 54
Present day
Anna
I drive straight to Colwick Park.
It is a dull, overcast day and there aren’t many cars in the gravelled parking area. I manoeuvre the car over to the far corner, overlooking the water and facing away from the path.
The Trent thunders past, grey and choppy. It seems to pull the dark, heavy clouds down to meet it, reflecting my misery. I sit mesmerised by the strength of the current, tugging and straining non-stop against the flow.
I turn off the engine and something – the bravado, the rage – suddenly snaps into pieces. My whole body fills with a liquid panic that feels powerful enough to dissolve my insides.
The acidic sensation in my stomach and throat gets worse and then it seems to explode up and out of me. I manage to get the car door open and vomit on the gravel outside but the last dregs drip inside the car and over my jeans.
Tears roll down my face, partly from being so violently sick and partly because of the black, empty space inside of me.
I rummage in my handbag on the seat and find a small packet of dusty tissues. I mop up most of the lumpy splats although there’s nothing I can do about the smell.
A couple walk by and their stupid terrier comes bounding towards the car.
‘Go away,’ I scream at it.
The man scowls and calls the dog back, and the black space inside gets a little bigger.
I close the car door, wind the window down and take a few breaths. I need to get home. It is the only place I will be undisturbed and I can think properly. But I can’t quite bring myself to move yet.
I have a vague sense of time passing. The light is changing outside, dimming. I drift in and out of a strange calmness, like I’m watching from a distance.
How dare they accuse me of – what was it Freckleton had quoted. . . ‘Serious professional misconduct’?
I admit I have had some difficulties with my recent delivery obligations but I’m pretty certain there is nothing in that mail backlog that can be construed as terribly important.
Most of the stuff I have burned has been useless junk mail that people are better off not having in the first place. It serves no purpose but to clog up their dustbins and harm the environment.
My customers would probably thank me if they realised I had spared them the small mountain of crap my employer pays me to shove through their letterboxes day after day. The management don’t seem to realise that, in reality, the mindless crap usually finds its way into most people’s dustbins within minutes of dropping through the door.
I recall Colin Freckleton also said the investigation was ‘ongoing’.
They still haven’t humiliated me enough. They still have more lies to peddle about the way I do my job and carry out my round, uncomplaining in all weathers.
Despite this feeling of disconnection, I know instinctively I need to get home and burn the mail backlog as soon as possible.
I turn the ignition and pray silently for help from someone, somewhere. From anywhere at all.
But there is nobody. Nobody I can confide in or share the worry, the panic or the terrible sense of i
njustice with.
Then the realisation hits me that, finally, I’m not really alone after all.
I have Liam. Liam will help me.
Chapter 55
Thirteen years earlier
Anna ran faster than she’d ever run before. She barrelled around the corner of the street, and as she swerved into the driveway, she collided with Mrs Peat.
‘Have you seen Danny?’ Anna gasped, trying to suck air in. ‘I’m scared. I thin—’
‘Anna,’ Mrs Peat’s voice was calm but her face looked drawn and more lined than usual. ‘Come next door with me, we need to talk.’
‘No – I have to check on Danny.’
‘Anna, please.’ Mrs Peat grasped her arm as she tried to pass. ‘The door is locked, dear. I’ve been knocking but there’s no answer.’
‘Let me try.’
Anna broke free and ran to the back door. She banged on the glass until it rattled. She’d asked her mother for a spare key many times but Monica had always refused.
‘I don’t want you bringing boys back here. I know what girls your age are like,’ she’d hissed last time.
‘Danny,’ Anna called, looking up to her brother’s bedroom. ‘Danny, come to the window.’
‘Anna—’
‘The letterbox.’ Anna dashed down the drive to the front of the house. ‘Danny! Danny!’
But there was no answer at all from the house.
Chapter 56
Present day
Anna
I intended on driving straight home but find myself turning right instead of left at the main junction leading into town.
By the time I arrive at Liam’s it is nearly five p.m. I have been sat at the park in the car for over an hour and a half, slipping in and out of a strange stupor and going over and over in my mind the awful truth of what just happened at work.
I know Liam won’t mind me calling. In fact, I feel confident Liam would want me to turn to him in my hour of need as he did with me on the day of the accident.
I walk down the side of the house, tap on the back door and walk in. The kitchen light is on, and I can hear bursts of canned laughter from the television in the other room.
I walk through the kitchen and into the hallway, and I see Liam standing there in the gloom, shrugging off his leather bike jacket. As if he’s been out somewhere.
‘Anna!’ He spots me, freezing in surprise, one arm still caught in his jacket sleeve.
‘Sorry to just turn up like this but—’ I try to finish but tears tip down my cheeks.
‘What’s wrong? Come here.’ He casts off his jacket and throws it on the stairs then puts his arm around my shoulders.
‘Have you been out?’ I manage.
‘Never mind that now; you look awful. What’s happened?’
I rest my head on his shoulder. All the dark bits inside finally roll out in wet, bucking waves. I can’t stop it.
I feel so grateful when Liam just holds me and says nothing at all. It’s such a relief to release everything without first having to explain all that has happened.
The lounge door opens and Ivy appears looking tired and in pain.
‘Hello, Anna.’ A flicker of concern hovers in her eyes. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Don’t worry, Gran,’ Liam says above my head. ‘Go back to your programme, I’ll sort her out.’
‘Has Amanda gone?’ She looks around.
‘Amanda?’ I repeat faintly.
‘She was going to call round earlier,’ Liam shrugs. ‘Just for a cuppa and a chat, but she couldn’t come over in the end.’
‘You shouldn’t let her in here.’ I glare at Ivy. My breaths become ragged again. It feels hard to get enough air in.
‘Calm down, Anna.’ Liam holds my shoulders and looks at me. ‘Let’s get you sorted out.’
I close my eyes and start to count.
I hear Ivy shuffle out, muttering something about my negativity. She pulls the lounge door closed behind her.
‘Why don’t we go back to your house,’ I hear Liam say softly. ‘We can have a nice cup of tea there and you can tell me all about it.’
I open my eyes.
* * *
Fifteen minutes later, Liam opens the gates and I park up on the drive.
Liam has remained quiet and thoughtful during the journey.
‘Concentrate on your driving,’ he said when we set off. ‘We can talk when we get there.’
I’m grateful for this, and I do feel a little calmer by the time we arrive.
It feels very strange bringing Liam to my home; I can’t remember the last time I actually had someone I trusted here in the house.
When we were kids we never had visitors. I just don’t feel comfortable having people in my home, trying to find out my business.
My eyes are swelled and blurry and every so often I let out an involuntary little sob. Liam stays really quiet. Out of the corner of my eye I see he is twitching a lot, like someone is giving him tiny electrical shocks. I don’t mention it though.
I unlock the back door and snap on the kitchen light. The bad smell hits me immediately, and I wait for Liam to comment but he says nothing.
‘Go through to the lounge,’ I tell him. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’
I open the cupboard and take down two white porcelain mugs that I keep for best and busy myself making the tea.
Despite everything that has happened this afternoon, I feel calmed by Liam’s presence in the house. I can’t help but imagine how it might feel if Liam came to live here.
We’d probably watch television together, and I’d make his favourite meals for tea each night. There wouldn’t need to be anything smutty about it but perhaps, in time, we’d grow closer.
I take the drinks through. Liam sits on the settee leafing through the local newspaper while Albert sniffs suspiciously around the hem of his jeans.
‘He doesn’t usually like visitors,’ I say. ‘But I can tell he’s warming to you.’
‘He can probably smell Boris on me.’
I hand Liam a mug and sit down in the chair.
‘Can you smell anything?’ I ask him. The stench seems particularly strong in here.
Liam inhales and shakes his head. ‘Like what?’
‘It’s hard to say: like a sweet, rotten stench. I can often smell it in the house but it seems to come and go.’
‘Nope, I can’t smell anything.’
I sip my tea and wonder if you can actually imagine smells that don’t exist. I don’t want to think about it.
‘So, now tell me why you’re so upset,’ Liam says at last. He doesn’t seem as jumpy.
Should I shrug off the whole sorry incident now I am feeling a little better or seize the opportunity to confide everything in Liam and share the burden?
A rush of dread grips me and the tears start to spill again.
‘Anna?’
I look up from my hands.
‘Please, tell me what happened.’
I feel as if my head is about to explode with the screams that are building inside my skull. I hear this low moaning sound. I think it might be me.
‘Anna!’
Even through my distress I hear the panic in Liam’s voice.
‘My tablets,’ I gasp. ‘On the worktop.’
Liam jumps up, and I gulp in deep breaths, desperately trying to stem the rising panic.
He runs back in clutching the small brown bottle filled with my prescribed sedatives. They’re fast-acting, and God knows, I need them now.
I shake three tablets out into my hand, and rather than return one to the bottle, I knock them all back with a swig of tea.
Liam sits down awkwardly on the arm of my chair and holds my hand for what seems an eternity. Slowly, I begin to calm down.
‘Take it easy,’ he soothes. ‘Whatever it is, we can sort it out together, Anna.’
I realise then that there’s no shame in admitting my failings to Liam. I take a deep breath.
‘I got suspended fro
m work today.’
There, I’ve said it.
The words are out now, although I can’t say I feel an instant lifting of mood, as I had hoped.
Liam blinks. ‘You lost your job?’
‘Not exactly,’ I say. ‘They have to have proof to sack someone and they haven’t got it yet.’
‘Proof of what?’
‘That I haven’t been doing my job,’ I explain. ‘And I have. . . been doing my job, I mean. Most of the time, anyway.’
Liam sighs, runs his hand through his hair.
‘Start at the beginning,’ he says. ‘The last I knew you were working on your delivery round as normal.’
‘I was; it’s all a terrible shock.’
‘They must’ve given you a warning or something, though? They don’t just suspend people for no reason.’
‘They said there have been complaints,’ I falter, wondering how best to phrase it. ‘From local hospitals and places like that. One or two bits of mail haven’t been getting through.’
‘But that’s ridiculous,’ he says. Then he gives me a look. ‘You have been delivering your mail, right?’
‘Yes,’ I say, tapping my fingernails together. ‘I won’t lie, the last few weeks haven’t been without problems. I admit, I did get a bit behind at one stage but I was starting to catch up. There’s just the undelivered mail, I—’
I feel the sedatives spreading fingers of soothing calm through my body and thoughts.
‘Anna?’
I open my eyes.
He says, ‘what did you do with the mail you couldn’t deliver?’
‘It’s upstairs,’ I hear myself whisper. ‘In the spare room.’
Chapter 57
Thirteen years earlier
At Carla’s request, the school office contacted various agencies; child protection, social services.
