BY THE TIME I got out of the terminal, it was mid-morning, and the air was already hot and humid and gritty with soot—New York City in late July. I rode into Manhattan in a taxi driven by a very large, middle-aged black man whose shaved head glistened with sweat, and I started to feel safe again: I’d made it through passport control and customs and had gotten away from the white people. From the name posted on the divider, Claude Dorsinville, I guessed that the cab driver was Haitian. Yes, he said, from Port-au-Prince, but he had lived in Brooklyn for fifteen years. His children were Americans. I asked him if he wanted to return to Haiti someday. “Yes, yes!” he said. “But not till America go down there an’ bomb the hell out of my country and get rid of the Duvaliers. Just like they did in Grenada,” he added.
A half-hour later, when I walked into the cavernous space of the main concourse at Penn Station, I looked around and found myself surrounded once more by white Americans—prosperous, well-fed, loud, and purposeful men, women, and children, with only a sprinkling here and there of black people. Suddenly, I was sure I was being followed. I glanced behind me and scrutinized the faces of the commuting businessmen and -women, the Eastern seaboard travelers, the college students, even the children standing in line with me for tickets. Who among you knows who I really am and is waiting for me to give myself up? Who among you will reveal me to the others? An ageless woman wrapped in a tattered tan overcoat and wearing gloves and a knit cap scuffled unnecessarily close and seemed to study my face for a second too long. Was she a panhandler? Why didn’t she ask me for money? I tried to appear distracted by deep thoughts. Just another traveler, an ordinary citizen heading wearily home. I tried to look like what I was—an American, upper-middle-class, white lady in her natural habitat. But it was as if I were back traveling underground, incognito and in danger of being suddenly recognized and denounced by a stranger, exposed, my artful disguise ripped away, the bomb hidden in my duffel carefully removed and defused, my backpack emptied and false IDs laid out on a steel table in an interrogation room, while I am forced to look down at them and answer the question Which of these women is you?
On the train, I managed to find a seat alone at the rear of the last car, where I could watch the other passengers without being easily watched back. By New Haven, I had calmed sufficiently to realize that maybe I wasn’t so much paranoid as merely exhausted, jet-lagged, and hungry. Cautiously I made my way forward to the café car, bought a plastic-wrapped tuna sandwich and a cup of coffee, returned with them to my seat, and later slept and did not wake until the train pulled into Boston’s South Station. End of the line.
Whenever I’d been asked, whether by the officer at JFK or at home by Woodrow or the boys or by Sam Clement or anyone else, whom in America I planned to visit, I had said the obvious and expected thing: Why, I’m going to visit my parents, my mother and father, in Emerson, Massachusetts. In a vague and general way, though it was the truth, it was not so much a travel plan as merely a way of postponing the choice of a destination. Until the moment that I actually arrived in Boston and walked out of South Station into the rusty, fading, early-evening light and crossed to the line of taxis waiting at the curb and realized that, once in the cab, I would have to tell the driver to take me to a house in the suburbs, 24 Maple Street in Emerson, Don’t worry, I know the way and will give you directions, until that moment, I had not been committed to a specific travel plan. I’d had no itinerary.
There were alternatives, of course. Thanks to the generosity, if you want to call it that, of Samuel Doe, I had enough cash in my backpack to go anywhere in America. Although I hadn’t communicated with them in years, I knew that without too much trouble I could make quick contact with old friends and associates from the Movement, people who would welcome me back into the fold from the cold, who would let me sleep on a couch or cot until I found a place of my own, who would provide me with a new name, social security number, and driver’s license, and would pass me from safe house to safe house, from friend to acquaintance to complete stranger, until I ended up separated from myself by seven or eight degrees, living in some small town in eastern Oregon, working as a school nurse and sharing a double-wide trailer with a divorced lineman who thought I was who I said I was.
It was 1983, the war against the war was long over, Ronald Reagan was president, and young Americans were more interested in getting rich by the time they turned thirty than in refusing to trust anyone who’d already turned it. It was, in a sense, the perfect time for me to have returned, the perfect time to show my back to all that I had thought and believed and dreamed and done and failed to do, and start over. I could become a social worker in Albany, a caterer in East Lansing, Michigan, an ambulance driver in St. Louis. Or I could go back to New Bedford, where Carol was probably still living with her daughter, Bettina, and waiting tables at the same seafood restaurant, maybe still renting the same third-floor walkup apartment, and if in the meantime she hadn’t hooked up with one of those wiry, ponytailed men with tattoos crawling over their chests and arms whom she seemed irresistibly drawn to, she would let me have my old room back. Or I could simply strike out on my own, wade into America’s vastness and anonymity, bobbing up someplace I’d never been before, with a new life story already forming, one bit of false information sticking to another, like the beginnings of a coral reef that someday will seem to have been there all along, as substantial and self-evidently true as the continent itself.
That’s the real American Dream, don’t you think? That you can start over, shape-change, disappear and later reappear as someone else. That you can survive the deliberate murder of your personal past and even attend your own funeral, if you want, and watch the mourners from the shade of a grove of trees a short way off, be the stranger at the edge of the crowd, her presence barely noticed or remarked upon. I don’t know who she is, a friend of someone in the family, I guess. And when everybody has finally left the cemetery, and you’re alone there, you come forward and pluck a flower from one of the baskets left at the graveside, put it in your hair, if you want and, like a happy ghost, walk off with the secret knowledge that down in the darkness under the dirt the coffin is empty, there’s only sawdust inside it or rocks or a dummy stuffed with straw.
I pushed my duffel ahead of me into the back seat of a taxi and got in. The driver, a flat-faced Boston Irishman wearing a Red Sox cap, half turned to me. “Hiya, how ya doin’?” he said. “Where ya wanna go?”
BY THE TIME the cab stopped in front of number 24 on gracefully curved, tree-lined Maple Street, it was almost dark. Lawn sprinklers carved silver arcs above the mint-green lawns. Wide, sloping paved driveways led to two- and three-car garages, breezeways, and screened side porches. The thick-leaved trees along the street were maples, of course, forty and fifty years old. The neighborhood was long established, a planned community from the early 1920s of large, neocolonial homes planted on nineteenth-century farmland and lately painted in neocolonial colors with names like baguette, flannel, and persimmon, with coiffed hedges and manicured yards the size of boarding-school playing fields. They were comfortable, oversize houses that had been designed to shelter well-educated, calm, orderly families with inherited money for up to three generations before being sold off to strangers with new money. My parents’ house—a three-bedroom Cape Cod with dormers and an attached el for my father’s study and home office—was slightly more modest than the others. They’d paid cash for it with a gift provided by Daddy’s father shortly after I was born, only a few years into their marriage and Daddy’s medical career. Except for dorm rooms at Rosemary Hall and Brandeis, until I was in my mid-twenties, it was the only home I had known.
I walked up the driveway, crossed to the breezeway at the side of the house, and approached the kitchen door. In all those years away, nothing had changed—the smell of moist, freshly cut grass; the cluttered breezeway and the wooden glider; Daddy’s rusting, rarely used grill; Mother’s meticulous flower gardens in back; the tool shed by the crab-apple tree. And balanced i
n the crotch of the old oak in the farthest corner of the yard, my tree house, a lean-to tacked to a small platform, a nestlike, secret sanctuary and watchtower that in summer became nearly invisible in the leaves of the oak tree.
I was trapped in a time warp. On the other side of the window, my mother sits at the kitchen table with a Manhattan in front of her and waits for Daddy to come home late again and gets a two-cocktail jump on him. The table has been set, and their supper stays warm in the oven, and she’s probably thinking about tomorrow’s schedule, making mental lists of things to do and menus and guest lists, which she’ll write out later before bed, after she’s checked with Daddy to be sure she’s included everyone he wants and has not listed anyone he’d prefer not to see, to be sure she’s remembered to unwrap the punch bowl and glasses and hasn’t forgotten to ask the housekeeper to work late and help serve the canapés and hors d’oeuvres and clean up afterwards.
I stood by the door watching my mother as if she weren’t real, as if studying a tableau vivant, amazed by how lifelike it was, when suddenly she moved her hand and raised her glass to her lips, and I jumped, startled by her movement. She turned towards the door, and saw me. She wrinkled her brow as if puzzled and then squinted like a bird watcher trying to remember the correct name of an unfamiliar type of sparrow. For a long moment, we stared at each other through the glass, mother and long-lost daughter. Or was it daughter and long-lost mother? She had grown old. Her crepey throat and arms belonged to an elderly woman, and her back was rounded, and her hair, still carefully cut and set in the shape of a tulip, had gone white and was a fluffed, thinned outline of what it once had been. She wore a pale blue short-sleeve blouse and loose madras skirt and L. L. Bean docksiders, the off-duty summer uniform of an elderly Yankee matriarch.
I opened the door and entered, shucked my backpack, and set my duffel down. Mother half rose from her chair, then sat slackly back. Her mouth opened in astonishment. There was a film of fear over her face, as if she expected her feelings, in a cruel and unexpected way, to be suddenly hurt. This was the sort of moment that Mother tried at all costs to avoid. She only had old roles for it, half-forgotten lines from other, slightly different scenes, gestures and words that may or may not come off as appropriate. In a loud, flattened voice, she said, “Why, it’s Hannah! What a wonderful surprise!”
I moved close to her and put my arms around her bony shoulders and kissed her dry, crinkled cheek. Her body smelled the same, lavender and rye, but it was a shrunken, fragile version of the body I so clearly remembered. She made a dry, chugging sound and began to cry. She grabbed my wrists and drew back from me. “It’s really you, Hannah! It’s really you!”
“It’s really me.”
“Can you stay for dinner?” she asked, grabbing a line at random from some other surprise visit. “If I’d known you were coming, I’d have prepared some—”
“I can stay,” I said, cutting her off. “I can stay for as long as you like. And I’m sorry I didn’t warn you. But I didn’t know until the last minute that I’d be able to get here. I didn’t want you and Daddy to make plans for me and then not be able to come.”
“No, no, that’s fine, Eleanor made up a beef stroganoff this afternoon before she went home, and there’s plenty for both of us. We’ll have a nice bottle of wine and celebrate. I think there’s a tart, an apricot tart that I bought yesterday at this excellent little bakery that a lovely young couple just opened in town—”
“Mother,” I said, cutting her off again, more for my sake than hers. “It’s fine. Anything is fine. I didn’t come home to eat. I came home to see you and Daddy. To be with you and Daddy.”
“Of course, dear. I’m sorry. It’s just that… I’m so excited to see you, and so surprised! Will you be able to spend the night? There’s plenty of room, naturally. Your old bedroom … it’s right where it always was, a little bit redecorated, of course, more in the order of a guest room now, as the old guest room is where Eleanor sleeps when she stays over, which she does from time to time. You remember Eleanor, don’t you? Oh, no, I don’t think you ever met Eleanor. She came to work for us after you went to Cleveland, I think, but you’ve heard us speak of her, she’s lovely and has been such a help to me…”
“Mother, I’ll stay the night. I may stay many nights. Where’s Daddy?”
Her reading glasses hung from her neck by a thin silver chain. She lifted them and carefully placed them before her eyes, as if I’d asked her to read her answer from a manual. “Sit down, Hannah. Yes, Daddy’s not … well. He’s not here,” she declared. “Would you like a drink?” she asked brightly.
“Jesus Christ, Mother, no! I mean, yes. Why not? What do you mean, ‘not well’? And ‘not here,’ for Christ’s sake.”
“Please, Hannah, you don’t need to swear. I’ll tell you everything. Just let me … let me gather my wits. This is such a surprise. What would you like to drink?”
“Anything. Gin, I guess.”
“Ice? With vermouth?” She got up and went to the liquor cabinet next to the refrigerator and started rummaging among the bottles.
“Anything, Mother. Anything. Tell me about Daddy. If you don’t mind.”
“No, of course not. I’m sorry. It’s just … the surprise and all, I didn’t expect…” she trailed off, fussing with my drink. I sat down at the table and said nothing and waited. She set the glass before me. “No vermouth? I can make it a martini. Your father loved his dry martinis.”
“No, this is fine, thanks. Tell me about Daddy, Mother.”
“I didn’t know if I should write you, it’s been so long since we’d heard from you, and I wasn’t sure where to write. And I didn’t want to upset you unnecessarily, especially with you being as I supposed way out there in Africa and unable to do anything for him anyhow…”
“For God’s sake, Mother, get to it!”
Her lower lip quivered. She was about to cry. “I don’t… I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s just that it’s hard to know how to talk to you, Hannah. You’re so… I didn’t expect…” and she started to weep. My cue to embrace and comfort her. To feel guilty and apologetic for demanding simple, unadorned information. To be punished for trying to evade her manipulation of my emotions. In a way all too familiar to me, with her tears Mother was making herself—and not Daddy and my desire to know what had happened to him—the subject.
And, naturally, I responded with no response. Just as I did all those years ago, starting when I was a child and discovered that the only response useful to me was no response—it kept my emotions intact and still my own, and it punished her back, punished her for her self-absorption, her relentless shifting of the subject, no matter how dramatic, poignant, or dire, to herself.
My mother was a closed circuit. All her poles and the pronouns that represented them were reversed. Of strangers, she would say, “She hasn’t met me yet.” Of people who passed for dear friends, she would say, “I’m her dearest friend.” It wasn’t a psychological disorder; it was a metaphysical disfigurement. It was beyond her control, and I should have been kinder towards her. But at that moment in the kitchen I couldn’t give her what she wanted—an embrace, an apology, an expression of concern for her, not for Daddy, and surely not for me. And even though I was concerned for her, I chose not to respond to her weeping. I ignored it, as if she were merely pausing to organize her thoughts. Which in a sense she was, if tactics unconsciously deployed can be viewed as thoughts.
“I’m terribly sorry, dear.” She sniffled and took a bracing swallow from her drink. “It’s been a … a very difficult time for me. I’ve been so alone,” she said and began to weep again, caught herself and bravely plowed ahead. “Three weeks ago, Hannah, your father suffered a massive stroke. A cerebral hemorrhage.”
No response. I said nothing. And consequently almost felt nothing.
“I was here in the kitchen, preparing dinner. I’d let Eleanor go home early that day, it was Friday, Fourth of July weekend, and Daddy was in his study, and I heard a lou
d noise. A thump. It was like the sound of a dictionary being accidentally dropped,” she said, an image she had no doubt memorized, rehearsed, and taken on the road, where it must have played well. “I called to him, ‘What was that, dear?’ I called again, ‘What was that, dear?’ But the study door was closed, as usual when he doesn’t wish to be disturbed, so I assumed he hadn’t heard me and it was nothing serious and I went back to cooking. I was making my famous porcini risotto, and for another thirty minutes that took all my attention. Because of the stirring and the slow addition of the chicken stock, you know. That and the salad and setting the table. I even went outside and cut some flowers for the table, and I never knew a thing was wrong, until dinner was ready to be served, and I went to the study door and knocked and called to him. ‘Dinner is served, Bernard!’ No answer.” She took another sip from her drink, which would soon need replenishing. I remembered how she loved to finish her Manhattans like an adorable child by sucking the cherry from her fingertips with a pouty flourish, and wondered if she’d wait until she finished her story, the story of how she experienced her husband’s stroke.
“I called a second time,” she went on. “Still no answer. So I opened the door. I had an awful feeling that something was wrong, a foreboding, almost, and then I saw him. He was lying on the floor beside his desk, and I realized that what I’d thought was the dictionary falling had actually been him! Daddy! And I felt awful for it, for having all that time been fussing about in the kitchen and dining room, while he was lying on the floor only a few feet away and needing me but unable to call out for me.”
Now she began to cry in earnest, for it was the climax of her story, and from here on she’d have trouble keeping it from being Daddy’s. Grudgingly, I said that she couldn’t possibly have known what had happened to him or done anything other than what she did, and nudged her forward.
He was unconscious, she said, and at first she thought it was a heart attack and regretted that she’d never learned CPR. Not knowing what else to do, she called 911 and waited there beside him, with his head in her lap, for the ambulance to arrive. “It was the worst fifteen minutes in my life, waiting for that ambulance,” she said. “Do you want another?” she asked.
The Darling Page 28
