I chuckled as she skipped off to the bathroom.
When she came back out, I’d already gotten dressed and packed up all of my things. I’d packed hers too, but she’d need to get some clothes for the day out.
It was hard watching her put clothes on when all I wanted to do was take them back off. I couldn’t get enough of Ella and I wasn’t only talking about sex. She was beautiful and amazing, both in body and spirit. Somehow the world had dealt her a terrible hand and she’d still turned out to be a person who cared about others. She’d said herself that she was used to doing things for others, including this job.
Now I wanted to do something for her.
As we traveled to the venue, with the promise of breakfast after, I tried to come up with something as beautiful and amazing as she was that I could do for her. I’d been with plenty of women and not once had I had these feelings for them. Not once had I wanted to do something big for any of them.
With Ella, I did.
But what to get the woman who didn’t seem to want anything? This was going to take some time.
“What are you thinking for breakfast?” I asked her after we dropped our bags back at the bus.
“Coffee for sure,” she said first, which made me chuckle. She wanted her morning coffee and I couldn’t blame her. “And I’ve been craving a donut, which I know isn’t the most nutritious breakfast, but I think I need the sugar after last night.”
“If you want sugar…”
“Nope.” She held her hand up. “At least not until you feed me first.”
“I could feed you my—”
“Knock it off.” She slapped a hand over my mouth and looked around frantically. “People are going to hear you.”
I raised an eyebrow and she dropped her hand. “You don’t think people around here know that inside of you is my favorite place to be?”
“I was kind of hoping not.” Her cheeks flushed. There wasn’t a single person around us who would hear what I was saying to her.
“You don’t think they know that my dick has been in your mouth?”
Now she groaned and covered her face with her hands.
“And that my mouth has been—”
“OK. Breakfast without you.” She began walking away. I bit back a laugh and jogged to catch up.
“Sorry,” I said, but my tone didn’t match my words.
“You don’t have to be sorry.” She nudged me with her shoulder. “I like your dirty mouth. It’s still new to have someone be so… I don’t know. Living his life out loud? Most people wouldn’t say that stuff anywhere someone else could hear them.”
“Baby.” I slid my arm around her shoulders as we walked. “I’d never say anything like that about you where someone could hear me. I don’t want anyone thinking about any part of you.”
She shook her head but didn’t reply.
Once we were seated in the donut shop with our coffees, donuts, and a breakfast sandwich for me, I looked over at her and couldn’t believe my luck. Her red hair was down and wavy. I didn’t know how she’d done that so quickly, but maybe that was the secret. Maybe waves didn’t take long, I didn’t know. Daisy did that to her hair a lot, but somehow I’d never noticed it.
Fuck, my girl was beautiful. Even when she took a big bite of her éclair, leaving chocolate and crème on her lips. Something dirty popped to my mind right away, but I didn’t say it. There were people around.
“So I’ve been doing some thinking,” she began after she licked her lips clean.
“No good conversation has ever started that way for me.” My gut tightened and an all-too-familiar feeling filled my chest. It wasn’t as bad as before, thank you, meds, but I could feel it. We hadn’t meddled with the dosage of my meds yet because the doctor had said I had to get it into my system and that took two weeks. Then we could see how it worked. So it’d be like a month before he’d even consider it.
Ella tossed a napkin at me. “About me. Not you.”
That did nothing to quell the panic. “What about you?”
“You told me to think about what I want to do with my life. To not reject school as an option just because I was bad at it before.”
“You weren’t—”
“No. I know. I’m just saying it wouldn’t be like that now.”
“Continue,” I said.
She took another bite first. “Well, definitely not nursing. I looked into that and it’s not for me.”
“No?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think I want to look at people’s buttholes all day.”
I choked on my coffee. “I don’t think that’s a requirement. We could ask Paige.”
She shook her head. “Nah. It’s not for me.”
“What is, then?” I pushed my plate aside, suddenly no longer hungry.
“I don’t know. But I thought you’d want to know that I ruled something out.”
“That’s progress,” I told her. “You know you don’t have to rush, right? The tour ends in October.”
She nodded. “But I’ll need to figure it before then. I can’t not be working that long. I know I have a little money to fall back on but I’m not made to not be working.”
Which was what I figured. This right now would be the longest she’d ever gone not working since she’d started and I’d bet that made her a little uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as the idea of her leaving made me, but for her, it wouldn’t be a great feeling.
As I sat there across from her, I tried to employ the things I’d been learning in therapy. It wasn’t much yet, but it was the best I could do to calm the panic setting it.
Once she finished her breakfast, we made the walk back to the arena and I wasn’t feeling any better about our situation. Good thing I already had the next appointment today, I supposed.
“I’m going in the venue to call Emery,” she told me as she brought us to a stop. I was holding her hand, so the choice was that I stop too or let her go. I wasn’t ready to do that.
I furrowed my brows. “You can do that in the bus, right?”
“Yes. But you have your therapy call and should have some privacy. Plus, I haven’t talked to her in a while. She doesn’t even know about us and it’s possible that we could get loud.” She pushed up onto her toes and kissed me quickly on the corner of my mouth. “Besides, your brothers and I all agreed we wouldn’t be on there during your appointments.”
“But I don’t care if you hear what I’m saying. Wait, you haven’t told Emery? Why not?” This insecurity I was feeling could fuck off. I didn’t like it being here and I sure as hell didn’t like the thoughts going through my head about why she might’ve kept me a secret.
“Stop whatever you’re thinking. I don’t honestly know why I haven’t told her. Maybe I wanted to feel more settled. I might talk to her almost every day but if you notice, those conversations tend to be very short. I wanted a time when we could really talk.”
“Makes sense. But you could stay with me. I really don’t care if you hear my therapy.”
She shook her head, clearly adamant that she was not going on that bus with me. “It’s not about me hearing it or not hearing it. Come find me when you’re done.”
Ella walked away from me as if she was worried I’d continue to try to convince her to stay. I would have, too. She knew me well enough already to see that. And she was right. Even Blakely, my therapist, said that I needed to be focused and alone for our sessions.
It was only an hour. What could go wrong?
We’d made it back without a lot of time to spare and that was fine. It gave me time to get my laptop out and set up. Sure, I could use my phone if I had to, but it was more convenient to use the bigger screen. Then I waited for the link to pop up in my email and clicked it. Almost instantly, the therapist’s face filled the screen.
“Hi, Daltrey. How are you doing today?” she asked. Angela Blakely was an older woman, maybe in her fifties, but she looked fantastic. Not a speck of grey in her blonde hair and her brow
n eyes were vibrant, not dull. She was pretty enough, but I didn’t care about that.
“Good,” I said automatically, which had her raising an eyebrow. “I’m fine.”
“Describe fine.”
“Things have been better.” I went on to talk about everything since our last meeting and overall, things were good.
Angela, as she’d told me to call her, went over some more techniques I could use to calm the panic should it return. Though I hadn’t mentioned that it had started to return today. Even with her, I was guarded when I knew I shouldn’t be.
“I’m going to send Dr. Ramirez a message to talk about adjusting your dose,” she told me when we had about fifteen minutes left in our hour. “It’s a little early, but you’re in a unique situation with unique stressors and I think you need it just to stay level. Or even another medication to take when you feel a panic attack coming on. But you seem to be doing well with those.”
“I haven’t really had one in a while.”
“Good. But I still feel that a little something more is needed. I’m not the doctor, of course, so he might disagree, but it’s a conversation that I want to have with him.”
“Sounds good,” I told her.
“But tell me what’s going on today? You seem tenser than you normally are.”
Our gazes connected, but over a telemedicine call, it was hard to know that. To her, I could’ve been looking anywhere.
“Nothing,” I said quickly.
“Daltrey, you don’t have to tell me, but this doesn’t work if you don’t.”
I took a deep breath. If I was going to get out of this what I needed to get out of it, I had to put myself out there and do the work. That was what she’d told me that first appointment.
“Ella and I went to breakfast this morning and she was talking about what she wants to do now that she’s not working for the band. She didn’t want to keep getting paid now that we’re together.”
“Understandable. And?”
Now I adjusted myself. This was going to be hard to admit out loud. “Well, she ruled out a career she definitely wouldn’t want. But anything she’s thinking about means she’ll have to leave the tour.”
“And that bothers you.” It wasn’t a question.
“Of course it fucking bothers me,” I snapped, but I hadn’t meant to. I’d already been on edge before this call. “I think she’s the only reason I’ve been able to hang on and whenever she talks about leaving the tour, my chest tightens.”
“You know that when she leaves the tour, she’s not leaving you, right? That’s not what she was saying.”
“I know.”
“Then why do you think it bothers you to this level? Anyone would be upset that the person they love is going to live away from them for a while, but it seems to bother you more than typical.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. But I hate the fucking idea of her not being here and I wish she’d just stay until the end of the tour.”
“You know that’s not healthy, right? Ella has every right to pursue her dream the way you have and you have to support that if you want to keep her in your life.”
“I do support that,” I mumbled, then I cleared my throat. “I can’t help what makes the anxiety worse, but all I know is that before she got here, things were dark for me and now the sun is shining. It has to be her.”
Angela nodded. “It could be her, but we have to figure out a way to keep the sun shining even if she’s not on the road with you and, Daltrey, we will figure it out.”
“OK.” It wasn’t like I could argue the point with her. Everything I’d told her was true. I did support Ella following her dreams because her life has been fucked-up and now was her chance to change that. But I was a selfish asshole for wanting her to figure it out while still being on the road with me.
“So, tell me something you’re looking forward to.” That was how she ended every single session and most of the time, it was an incredibly difficult question to answer.
“We have a charity event coming up in a few weeks with a bunch of other bands. It’ll be a good time.” I honestly didn’t care that much about this event but out of anything else going on, I supposed I was looking forward to this the most. At least there’d be other bands around and it’s supposed to be super laid back.
“Excellent. I’ll see you at the same time next week, Daltrey.”
I nodded and logged off.
All of this talk about Ella leaving had me on edge and feeling like a pussy. I shouldn’t have needed her the way I did and that killed me. Worse than that, I knew how I’d feel once she was actually gone, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew that wouldn’t be too far off.
I didn’t want to be the one to hold her back and all of this left me feeling too vulnerable.
The smart thing to do would’ve been to go find Ella and talk to her. The smart thing would’ve been to do anything other than what I did. But I wasn’t thinking right and instead of heading into the venue, where I’d find Ella and my siblings, I walked down the street to the nearest bar.
17
Ella
It didn’t take me long to find a quiet space backstage. You’d think it’d have been harder, given the number of people and activity happening, but still, when Emery didn’t answer, I decided to walk around the area, which wasn’t something I’d done much of. Since she’d left the tour, I hadn’t seen a show from the audience and it was weird being out there when it was empty. I found a seat near the back and sunk into it.
My life had changed so dramatically that it was nice to have some alone time and take a breath.
On my second inhale, my phone rang with a video call to Emery.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked her as a greeting.
Emery leaned forward and squinted into the camera. “Are you in the empty arena?” she asked. I nodded. “I hate you.”
“You do not,” I said with a laugh. “You love me.”
“I do, but you just get to go wherever and you’re, like, with the band. It’s irritating.”
“Well, that’s why I called,” I told her. “Are you out of work?” Sometimes the time change tripped me up. It was one o’clock here which meant four for her but she didn’t always work until five o’clock.
“I am but before you start that, show me where you are. We don’t get to talk long enough.”
“I know.” I reversed the camera so I could turn my phone around and show her the stage and everything around it. They were still working on it a little. “Happy?” I asked once I’d turned the camera back on me.
“I’m not sure I’d call it happy. But I’m satisfied.” Emery had her hair up in a messy bun the way she did when she hadn’t washed it in a couple of days or used dry shampoo too many times in a row. “So what’s going on? I haven’t heard from you outside of the brief phone calls here and there. Are you too cool to be friends with me now?”
I shook my head. “Could never happen. You’re far cooler than I am.”
“We’ll see.” She snorted. “So tell me what’s been going on.”
I swallowed hard. There shouldn’t have been any reason that I was nervous to tell her about Daltrey and me, but I was slightly worried. First, because I hadn’t told her yet, he and I were already exchanging big feelings. Second, this was her favorite band, and while I didn’t think she’d be the jealous type, I still worried.
“There are a couple of things I have to fill you in on.”
Her eyes rounded like saucers. “Did you fall for someone? Mack?”
I chuckled. “I don’t know why everyone wants me with Mack.”
“Who else wants you with Mack?”
“I guess I shouldn’t say wants me with him but thinks or thought I might be. Daisy, Van, Bonham, Daltrey. They’ve all said it more than once. No. I have not fallen for Mack.” I took another breath. “However, I may have fallen for Daltrey.”
Her shriek came through the phone with such a force that the guys setting up the stage lo
oked my way. I couldn’t help the laugh that echoed through the arena. Emery was ridiculous and I loved her.
“Daltrey,” she gushed. “Are you serious right now? Tell me everything.”
I took the time to tell her how it had started and everything that had happened between him and me. Not the things about him that were personal—though she knew why I was here—but the relationship stuff.
Emery hung on to every single word, only punctuating what I was saying with her own little squeaks of excitement.
“That’s…” She trailed off. “Ella, you’re the luckiest person I know.”
I narrowed my eyes. “If you really think about my life, I believe you’ll take that statement back.”
She winced, probably because she hadn’t thought about me growing up when I’d been one of the unluckiest people on the planet.
“Either way, that’s amazing. Not because he’s famous, but because you deserve to have this. He’s a good guy, right? Like I know he has issues, but he’s a good guy. I don’t have to come serve any best friend justice on his ass, right?”
“He is.” I nodded as I spoke. “And he’s sweet and ugh…” I shook myself off. “I’m not mushy, but he makes me want to be. No justice needed. He’s being very careful with my heart.”
Whenever I started dating someone new, Emery would tell me, or sometimes them, that they’d better be careful with my heart otherwise, she’d have to take action.
“I’m so happy for you.”
“Now here’s the second part,” I said. We both leaned toward our cameras like we would each other if we were together in person. “I’m not working for the band anymore because with Daltrey and me together, it didn’t feel right.”
“Makes sense.”
“But the deal was that I’d be paid the full amount no matter how long I stayed. It was three months at first, then we would extend that if we needed to. So I got the money, but I’m not technically working for them anymore.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. With the big payday, I don’t need to rush back to the restaurant or any restaurant. I can take a minute to figure out what I want to do.”
Daltrey (Pushing Daisies Book 4) Page 14
