Lexi wet her lips while Jurnie took a drink of her water. “Van told me that Daltrey has anxiety and that’s why he was drinking so much. Because he was drinking pretty much every day before you got here.”
“It’s hard not to notice when you share such a small space,” Jurnie added.
“OK, then I can tell you what happened. Mack brought me here to kind of be Daltrey’s babysitter, as you know, and as we got to know each other better, Daltrey promised me he wouldn’t drink anymore.” Now it was time to tell them some things about myself that I hadn’t told them. “You both know that my mother is an alcoholic. Assuming she’s still alive, she is anyway.”
“You don’t know?” Jurnie asked.
“I assume that, as her only child, someone would tell me if she wasn’t, but I don’t have contact with her because she was an awful mother. She put her fucking drinks far, far ahead of me. I was cleaning up her vomit and getting her sober by the time I was six. I was basically responsible for myself when I was nine. It sucked.” I took a quick drink because talking about this was affecting me more than I’d thought and this gave me a minute to get my emotions under control. “Daltrey knows this. When we started… being more than what we were supposed to be, I told him that I can’t do that again. I lost my mother in every way that matters before I even had her. I don’t want to do that again.”
“That’s understandable,” Lexi said as she rubbed my back.
“So the other day when he was drunk in the middle of the afternoon, I knew that I can’t be with him. I can’t do that again.” Tears burned my eyes, so I swallowed hard to keep them from falling. I wasn’t interested in crying on our lunch out.
“That makes complete sense,” Jurnie agreed.
This was something I loved about these women. I was talking about their boyfriends’ brother, a man who could potentially be their family one day, but they had my back. They weren’t trying to talk me into giving Daltrey another shot.
Soon, we all returned to our food, though I was still just pushing it around.
“Has it been too hard on the bus these last couple of days?” Lexi asked.
I shrugged. It’s been awful. I didn’t know which was worse. Seeing Daltrey or not seeing Daltrey. Sometimes when I hadn’t seen him in a while, my imagination ran wild with the idea that he was out with another woman. I knew he’d hooked up a lot before I’d come along. It wasn’t like there was a shortage of women who wanted to sleep with him. I was one of them. Wanting and doing were two different things, though.
“It’s been weird,” I told her. “I mean, I spend most of my time in my bunk.”
“All of it if we’re all there,” Jurnie added.
“Yeah. It’s just too weird to be out there with all of you and know that he’s watching me. I’m afraid I’ll break.”
“Would that be a terrible idea? Giving him another chance?” she asked. I stopped what I was doing and looked up at her. Jurnie had her auburn hair pulled up into a bun. Her forest-green eyes widened when she realized both Lexi and I were looking at her. “I’m not suggesting it. I’m just asking if you really wanted to, would it be a terrible idea?”
My shoulders slumped. I shouldn’t have assumed. “I think it might be.” Then I took another deep breath, readying myself to be real with them. “I once had to get my drunk mother out of a parent-teacher conference because she was threatening the teacher about how I wasn’t getting an A. It was obvious that she was drunk and Child Protective Services showed up at our house after that. To see if I was being taken care of. I have no idea how I wasn’t taken away.”
“That’s… awful.” Lexi wasn’t talking very loudly, as if she didn’t want anyone around us to hear. The people on this tour were the only ones in my life to tell me that how I grew up wasn’t normal and it was awful. That I hadn’t deserved that life. Besides Emery.
“When I was thirteen, I came home from school to find my mom naked and passed out on the front lawn. I was so embarrassed and had to get her inside. All the neighbors were watching.”
“No one came to help.”
“No one ever came to help.” I took a deep breath. “These aren’t even the worst stories. So you can see why I can’t be with him, right?”
They both took a minute, but then Jurnie broke their silence. “Of course, Ella. Listen, Bonham is my first boyfriend, so I know nothing. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend just because you two aren’t together.”
“Me, either,” Lexi piped up. “Fuck them guys. We queens have each other’s backs.”
The three of us giggled then changed to some happier topics before we finished eating.
We were laughing loudly as we made our way back to the bus area. It was getting closer to showtime, though it wasn’t really time yet. They wanted to get to their seats and I wanted to avoid Daltrey.
“We should all go to the show tomorrow,” Lexi suggested. “The three of us. It’ll be your last night and I don’t want you to spend it alone. I can get Lawson to get us some good seats.”
“I don’t know.” Normally, I wouldn’t have hesitated, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to see Daltrey on stage. He was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen on stage. Couple that with the fact that I was going home and I wasn’t sure I could be strong and not cave to him.
I loved Daltrey. My leaving had nothing to do with not loving him. In fact, it made everything that much harder because I’d learned at a young age that love wasn’t always enough.
“Come on.” Jurnie nudged me with her hip.
“OK. For you guys, I’ll go. It’ll be a last-night fun time.”
“Excellent. I’ll get Lawson to get us tickets.”
We turned the corner and my steps faltered. Daltrey was sitting on the bench I had been on earlier when the girls had found me. His head was in his hands and he didn’t see us there. The early fans had shown up and were kind of loud, so I didn’t think he’d hear us either way. The only thing was the fans were around the corner we’d just come from so they wouldn’t see him.
“Oh, shit,” Lexi said under her breath. “Do you want to come inside with us? It’s big. We won’t have to see them.”
I finally tore my eyes away from Daltrey and said, “You guys go ahead. I’ll just see you later.”
“OK, but we’re on for tomorrow?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I shooed them away and stood there another thirty seconds before I took a deep breath and decided to put my big-girl panties on.
Sure, I could’ve gone home and never spoken to Daltrey again, but no matter what I could live with or not live with, I really did want him to get better. He didn’t even glance up as I walked over to him. Clearly, he hadn’t known I was coming over.
“Hey,” I said, though I was nervous for some reason.
His head snapped up so quickly that I worried about his neck. He took me in from top to bottom then locked his eyes with mine. I hadn’t worn anything particularly cute to lunch with Jurnie and Lexi. Jean shorts and a tank top with Converse tennis shoes. The heat of his eyes said it was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. Looking into those eyes again had my will melting. I loved this man and to see how sad he was killed me.
“Hey,” he finally said.
“Can I sit?” I pointed to the spot next to him.
“Of course.” He slid back quickly as I walked by.
“Jurnie and Lexi found me out here on this bench a little while ago.”
“Yeah?” he asked, not taking his eyes off me. I wasn’t sure he blinked for the first full minute.
“Yeah. Asked me to go to lunch with them. It was nice.”
“I’m glad.” Now Daltrey blinked a bunch of times quickly, which I recognized as a sign that he was feeling anxious.
“How are you?” I asked because no matter what, I wanted him to be good.
“Not the best,” he answered honestly. “If you’re talking about drinking, that I haven’t done and I’ll never touch another drop. I don’t care what’s going on.”
&nbs
p; I’d heard that before from him and many times from my mother. Neither one had followed through on that promise.
“The anxiety?”
He swallowed hard and I watched his Adam’s apple press against the front of his throat. “Getting better. They upped my dose and I’ve had two appointments with the therapist since…” The day I found him drunk in the dressing room was what he meant. But he didn’t want to say it. “So I think it’s getting better.”
“Good, Daltrey. I’m glad to hear it.”
The weight of his stare was crushing me. There wasn’t much time before I caved and threw myself into his arms. It’d be so easy to do, but I knew how it would end. More heartbreak.
“I’ve really fucked this up haven’t I?” The sadness in his voice almost made me want to cry. But I’d already cried over Daltrey Thompson and I didn’t intend to do it again. This was how I protected myself.
I didn’t know how to answer him. He had indeed fucked this up, but I wasn’t about to throw it in his face.
“I’d rather not talk about it,” I told him. “Your show is coming up and I don’t want it to become a thing that you’ll think about instead of focusing on playing.”
He ran his index finger back and forth over his top lip.
“You’re probably right,” he said. I pushed to my feet and he followed. It was awkward standing there when we both knew that we were each yearning to reach out and touch one another. “Day after tomorrow, huh?” I nodded. He meant when I was leaving. “I hope it hasn’t been too hard being on tour these last couple of days.”
“It has been,” I said honestly. I’d never been anything but honest with Daltrey and I wasn’t going to change that now.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Then, spontaneously, I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. He immediately did the same. It was a dumb thing to do and might send a mixed signal. He could take this as something more than a hug goodbye, but this was something I needed for me. And for once in my life, I was going to take it.
Daltrey held me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe and for that brief moment, I didn’t care at all. Who needed air anyway?
He snaked a hand up my back until it settled on the back of my head, holding me to him like he didn’t want to let go. Maybe he didn’t. I knew I didn’t. He pressed his nose to my hair and took a deep breath.
That was when I knew he understood that this was it for us. He was savoring the same way that I was. He kissed the side of my head then released me.
“Ah.” He took a deep breath and wet his lips and I’d have sworn there were tears in his eyes. “I have to go get ready.”
“Right,” I said. He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Have a good show.”
He gave me a single nod then got away from me as fast as he could.
20
Daltrey
Walking away from Ella was one of the hardest things I’d done in my life.
When she’d wrapped her arms around me, there’d been a split second when I’d thought, maybe, this would lead to her giving me another chance. But I’d quickly realized that wasn’t what had been happening. She was leaving and it was going to destroy me. I wouldn’t let it, but on the inside, I’d be a trash pit.
Even if she wasn’t with me, I was going to keep the promise I’d made. I’d never touch a drop of alcohol again in my life. I wanted to know that I was the man she’d needed me to be, even if I’d already fucked the whole thing up and she wouldn’t be there to see it herself.
The show went fine. I was beginning to feel like my old self in some ways. Not in others, though. It’d be a while before I got over losing her. If I ever did.
When I got back to the bus, she was already tucked away in her bunk like she had been every single night. I’d hurried through my shower to get out here right away, hoping she’d be up for a little more talking.
I missed the shit out of her and was greedy for any moment I could get with her. Yet I wasn’t surprised at all that she was already in bed when I got there. Probably to avoid me. I hadn’t meant to let my emotions get the best of me before, but I’d spent every day since she’d found me drunk trying to figure out how I could allay her fears and there was just nothing good enough.
Her mother had fucked her over, then I had by being just like her. There was a fear in Ella that I wasn’t sure I could ever fully calm. She’d always be on the lookout for me to fuck her over. I knew that I never would again, but she couldn’t know that.
I’d done this to myself.
Once the rest of my family showed up, we all hung out for a while, though I kind of sat away from them on the couch. Even after the bus got moving, I hadn’t really moved yet. Soon they all retired to their bunks to do whatever they were going to do, most of which I probably didn’t want to know about.
With nothing to do, I went to my storage bunk and grabbed my guitar. I wasn’t tired enough to sleep and I didn’t have a way to occupy my time the way my brothers did. Music would be my outlet tonight.
I was there an hour plucking away on a song I was working on. It was for Ella, though I doubted she’d ever hear it. I’d hear it, though, and know that I’d done it for her and that was all that mattered. I had planned on surprising her with it, but whatever. It’d still get done.
I stopped playing and jotted a note on the paper in front of me when I heard one of the doors sliding open. Freezing where I was, I only lifted my eyes to see who was coming. Assuming it was one of my brothers, I tried to keep any hope pushed down. Ella hadn’t come out here even once since that day in the dressing room.
Holy shit. It was Ella. She slid out of her bunk wearing the pajamas I’d come to know and love. Those tiny shorts and tank top with the unicorn on it were going to haunt me for years to come.
“Hey,” I said as soon as she came anywhere near me.
“I could hear you playing,” she said, though the way she rubbed one foot on top of the other told me that she was feeling uneasy.
“I’m sorry. Was I too loud?”
She shook her head quickly. “It’s not a bad thing.”
“You can sit.” I pointed to the other end of the couch. “Can we talk now?”
She took a deep breath as her fingers twisted around each other. “Sure.”
“Is there anything I can do to make this better? I miss you like hell, Ella. I hate that you’re going home. I fucking hate that I might not see you again.”
“I’m sure you’ll see me,” she said quickly. “Though I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But I’m friends with Lexi and Jurnie. I’d like to think I’m friends with Daisy.”
I bit my lips together before telling her, “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “I just can’t chance it, Daltrey. Probably never should’ve gotten involved in the first place, but I won’t regret it for a second. I’m sorry my mom fucked me over so badly that I have trust issues.”
“I’m sorry she fucked you over at all. And I get it. I did this. It’s my fault.” I ran my hand through my hair because I had to do something with my fingers before I reached out and threaded them through her red locks. I was going to miss those. “Can I play you something?”
She nodded and sat up straighter.
As the first notes came through, I told her, “Please remember that I’m not the singer in this family and that no one else has ever heard this so it probably still needs some work.” The genuine smile she gave me made me wish I could take a picture of this moment.
I sang quietly because I didn’t want anyone else to hear me and come out here. This was for her and no one else. My voice was OK but nothing special. As soon as she realized what I was doing, one of her hands went over her mouth in surprise.
As soon as she’d told me the song she’d sung to herself when she’d been a kid and her mom had been drunk with men over, I’d known I was going to do this at some point. Me playing right into her fears had made it happen now, though I’d had it thought
out long before now.
I’d put together this song using the words she used to sing to herself when she wanted to block out the world. Then I added a ton about how strong she was and amazing. I had a few parts in there about how my heart wasn’t whole without her though if we used this song, I might need to change a few lyrics up for Daisy to sing. I didn’t write it to use it for our band though. This was for her.
When I was done, tears had escaped her eyes and run down her cheeks. She wiped them away and sniffed. “Wow. You sure know how to get into a girl’s pants.”
My loud laugh broke the moment, but I couldn’t care less. “That wasn’t why I did it.”
“I know, but damn, Daltrey. You doing that has me wanting to beg you to fuck me.”
Damn, she shouldn’t have said shit like that, but at least she was talking to me. If this was the only way I could have her in my life, I was going to take it. “Trust me. You wouldn’t have to beg.”
Her wide green eyes fired with heat, like there were little flames in the corners. If she allowed me to be with her just one more time, there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d turn her down. She wouldn’t do that and I couldn’t do it if the only reason she was with me was that she was vulnerable at that moment.
“But I wouldn’t want to take advantage of you,” I told her. “Don’t want to use my talent of writing panty-dropping songs for evil.”
Ella gave me the brightest smile. “You do have lots of talent.” But I didn’t think she was referring to just my musical talent. Fuck. This was killing me. My dick was already hard and demanding attention. Had been since she’d hugged me outside earlier. Performing on stage had been super fun when every time I thought about her touching me my cock jumped to attention.
“It’s really beautiful, Daltrey.” This time, she was quieter and more serious as she spoke. “Thank you so much for writing that. No one has ever done something so nice. Assuming it was for me.”
Daltrey (Pushing Daisies Book 4) Page 17
