by Sam Hall
Great, it appeared I’d been pulled over by the Dragon Highway Patrol.
“Tess and Miazydar and we’re about to leave Damorica, so it won’t be an issue, officer.”
“Officer?” the man’s head jerked back and he glanced at his partner.
“I don’t know this dragon,” the woman said, walking closer under the arch of M’s neck, a frown on her face.
“His name is—.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I can ask him myself if I have need.” She looked over her shoulder at the man. “An unregistered dragon? Anek, has there been such a thing in the last two hundred years?”
“Not to my knowledge.”
She stood before Miazydar, arms crossed and her expression changed slightly. It was as if she was a bit constipated and feeling uncomfortable or as if she smelled someone else’s fart but was too polite to say anything.
“What are you doing?” I said, coming to lean on M’s shoulder. She tried to do whatever she was doing a little harder, then backed away with a hiss of frustration.
“I’ve tried to speak mind to mind, but his shield is too strong.”
“Then perhaps you’ll do me the courtesy of speaking to me in person.”
Miazydar’s voice, in reality, was much like it was in my mind: deep, gravelly and grave. I stifled back a chuckle as both of them jumped back, their dragons’ heads whipping up to regard us with big yellow eyes.
“Great one, you speak?” she said.
“Of course I do. These,” he raised one huge claw, “are hardly appropriate for communicating gesturally, now are they?” He moved his massive talons around experimentally, all our eyes following the movements. “I’ve had a nice day flying and then caught and ate a fresh kill, not sentient,” I got a quick side-eye, “so yes, I can speak, but unless you have something intelligent to discuss with me, I ‘ll be shrinking down into the abominable form I need to exist on Earth and going through the portal.”
For a minute the riders just stood completely still, evidently digesting what was said. M just shook his head, a shiver running along his spine until his original shape condensed, just as he said it would. “Ready?” he said to me. I just smiled and nodded.
“Hold!” We had made it ten steps before the riders reacted. I heard the hum of plasma spears before I turned around and saw them aimed at us. “What devilry is this? This is not how dragons act, what they do!” the guy, Anek said.
“So you draw the weapons of your forebears against us? For what crime?” M said, his fur beginning to stand on end. “Where is your honour, rider?” I stood dead still, listening to the low whine of the plasma blades, only able to breathe when they were finally lowered. Everyone was wide-eyed and breathing heavily, not sure how we got where we were.
“I must report back to the Council. You understand that,” the woman said.
“You do what you need to,” M growled.
8
“So, how was Merlin?” Ash asked when I got to work the next day. I had blessedly woken up with no curse related visitors. Perhaps Ash really was learning.
“Fine, have you seen Flea?”
“No, he’s usually in just before lunchtime on Mondays. So, what happened?”
“What happened with what?”
“Merlin?”
“Oh, we had a weirdly Dad-like conversation. Y’know the ‘you can do anything you want if you tried’ chat. I think he thinks I’m depressed.”
“Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting to happen. But Tess, you know he probably has a point.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Everyone’s worried, I’m different,” I said with a flip of my hand.
“Tess, it used to be every morning you’d be chewing my ear off about the latest exploits in whatever fandom you were following at the time. You always had your nose stuck in a book or were reading on your phone. That big geek con came and went and you didn’t line up for hours with your friends to make sure you got tickets.”
“Look, you came back from the portal the same old Ash, your relationship with Gabe seems to be going well. Good job for not fucking that up, by the way, but I didn’t, Ash. I killed a man, probably a whole bunch of people, with that green fire of doom shit.”
“It was them or us.”
“I know, I’m not saying I regret it, but you can’t expect me to come back and geek it up freestyle like I used to. Shit like that changes everyone, Ash, not just me.”
“So that’s what it is? You never said.”
“How do I talk to someone about the changes I’m going through when they stay the same?”
“I…” It was weird to see my big sister search for the words. “I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this on your own. What can I do? How can I help?”
“Merlin thinks I need to work out what’s important to me, Miazydar reckons a quest is what’s needed. I’m not sure what I think, but at least I know what to look for.” I pulled up the calendar on my phone, wanting to move on to any topic but this. “So, we have the Selessians coming in at 9:30 our time, right?”
“I changed it until later today. I wasn’t sure how you’d pull up and I hate doing these things until I’ve had a few coffees in me.” My jaw tightened and my teeth ground together. It was fairly established that Selessian owl people were best dealt with in the early hours. Then they were getting ready for bed and their formidable mental powers were reduced. “We’re doing it just before closing.”
“Right.” I turned when I heard the door in Wizards open. “I’ve got to catch up with Flea about something.”
I walked over, forcing my breath to steady. He was carrying a box in one arm, his keys and his journal in the other. That may be what prevented him from seeing me until he dumped them on the front desk. “Oh, hey Tess. Did you want some more Tattoo Goo on your new piece? I can put another bandage on it so it doesn’t seep through and onto your sleeve.”
He sounded friendly and professional and helpful, just like I imagined he was with his clients. Of course, he does, I think darkly. The only person who thought the night before was important is you.
His raised heartbeat and perspiration rate suggests otherwise, M said, padding into the room.
He’s probably hot and bothered lugging those boxes in.
The increased blood flow to his groin says—
Just stop. How the hell can you sense that? Actually, let’s put that aside for later.
“Hey boy,” Flea said, dropping down to scratch at his tummy.
A diversionary tactic, the dog said. He’s stalling.
“Look…” What? What do I want to say? Look, I’m not fucking Merlin, though I had wanted to? I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, for not knowing how to process what happened? “…can we talk?”
He stood, eyes on the bench, his box, his keys. “Um, I’ve got Sable coming in early, to do some more of the colour work.”
“Good morning, Tess,” Merlin popped into the shop with a cat-like smile on his face. “Hello, Dragon and…” he peered at Flea closely. “I want to say something insectile. Cockroach, Bed Bug, no, that’s not it. Fly! That’s it, isn’t it?”
My hand slapped on the powerful magician’s shoulder and I shoved him backwards. “It’s Flea, you know this because you remember everything from the dawn to the end of time. Why are you being an arsehole?”
“How am I being an ‘arsehole’? I greeted everyone, in order of precedence.”
“Look, I didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever this is the other day, and I can’t right now. I have a client that will be here in ten minutes,” Flea said, busying himself with arranging his inks at the tattoo bench.
A heavily upholstered velvet wingback chair appeared in the shop with Merlin perched on it, fingers together in a steeple. “I detect an undercurrent. Yes, a definite undercurrent! So what’s been happening here, apart from the obvious carnal frivolities?”
Flea straightened, his eyes narrowing. “Look, mate, we all saw Tess mooning around after you for weeks,
so don’t be a dick. Get your chair and your crap out of my shop. I do not have the energy to try and explain the shit show that goes on here on a daily basis to a bloody customer.”
“What’s going on?” Ash and Jez stood in the doorway.
“I’ve come to see how your sister fares. She’s been quite unhappy. She should go on another adventure through the portal. It was eye-opening last time. Could be just the thing for getting her out of this funk,” Merlin said.
“I have not been in a funk,” I said.
“Well, you kind of have,” said Ash.
“What’s going on? If you guys go through the portal again, I think I’d make a damn fine sidekick,” Jez said. “Like seriously, check out my kung fu action!” And she kicked the air experimentally, accidentally booting one of Flea’s chairs. It careened across the floor, about to collide with a trolley full of ink. Flea vaulted over the table to stop it in its tracks as Ash bent over and retrieved something from under the tattoo bench. She spun the offending item of clothing around her finger.
“Adventure Time underwear? I wonder how these got there?”
“Oh, Tess, you dirty girl! I’m pretty sure we’ve all put 2 and 2 together, or should that be 1 on 1?” Jez said, poking one finger through the loop of another.
Ash faux-gasped but Flea just stared at me, his eyes definitely had a green tinge, his face seeming to wash out in the early morning light. “You’re going… You’re gonna go through that fucking portal again? After everything that happened?”
“She goes all the time,” Ash said with a wave. “We run an inter-dimensional magical supplies shop and buy and sell stuff from all over the dimensions. Tess is awesome at making and building business relationships.”
“I don’t think you’ve ever said that before, Ash. Thanks, I mean it.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. I thought I’d mentioned that.”
“And she’s got the dragon. Seriously, how much trouble can we get in with a mother fucking, fire breathing—” Jez said
How is having sex with your dam a desirable attribute?
“—big arse, butt-kicking dragon in tow?”
“Dragon? Dragon?” Flea’s eyes drop down to my arm. Ash and Jez’s follow, widening when I tug my sleeve down.
“What did you do?” Ash said, taking a step forward but Jez gets in first, pulling my shirt up over my arm. “Oh, fuck yes, Tess, fuck yes! I can get in a polyamorous relationship with Gabe, a human-size rabbit and one of those hentai tentacle monsters and Mum is still gonna go fucking ape shit on your arse. Oh, thank you, thank you, my darling sister. Mum is going to finally stop planning my fucking wedding to go and tear you a new arsehole.”
“So, I’m guessing there was a little Ghost moment after you got ink?” Jez said, jumping on the bench and putting her ankles behind her ears. She started singing ‘Unchained Melody’, miming pushing a guy’s face into her cunt in time with the beat of the song.
“Dragon?” Flea said.
“It’s the dog. She waited for it to disappear on the day we returned from the portal. The spear and the body armour did, but he didn’t.”
“Dragon.”
The man thing is broken?
This is a bit of a shock. I really should’ve had a chat before now.
Should I show him my true form? He seems to be struggling to accept this.
No! You’re bigger than both shops combined.
A gentle tap came from the front door. We all turned to see Sable standing there, looking at us nervously. That might have something to do with my sister and the undies, Jez was still warbling and simulating sex, Merlin still plonked in the middle of the shop and her eyes falling to my dragon tattoo. Flea shook his head and went over, hastily rescheduled the session. He flipped the sign to closed and pulled out his phone.
“Gabe? Yeah, I’m at the shop.” He looked over at us, then moved over to the front counter. “So did you know about— And the dog? Right, so the portal? Uh huh, OK. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Wow, so you’ve known the whole time? Yeah, y’think? I thought we were partners. Uh huh. Well, yeah, I think that’s what was gonna happen today. So you know they’re talking about going back through for another ‘adventure’? No? Well, now you know how it feels. I’ll let her know she should expect to hear from you.” Flea ended the call and turned to Ash. “Gabe’s gonna call you.”
She slingshotted my discarded underwear at me as Jez cried, “Watch out, they’ll stick!”
I caught them one-handed, looked down at Merlin and said, “Thanks for this. You’ve been a great help.”
He got to his feet, the chair disappearing. “You have to tap, tap, tap at that egg you’re stuck in, Tess.” His knuckles doing just that on my scalp. “No growth without breaking a few things.”
“Including me?”
Of course, that was the moment a group of four Aravisian dragon riders strode into the shop, obviously having come through the portal. They shouldn’t have been able to, not without one of us opening it for them. I was especially unhappy to see each carrying a plasma spear. “Therese McKinnon?” one said, reading from an honest to goodness scroll. The other riders flicked on their blades, the faint hum filling the air. I nodded. “You’ve been summoned to appear before the Great Council. You must appear with the unnamed and unregistered dragon.”
“His name is Miazydar.”
“You are to come with us. Any attempt to resist will be met with extreme force.”
“Now hang on a minute, mate,” Flea said.
“The fate of you and the unregistered dragon will be decided,” the man said, then rolled the scroll back up.
“What the fuck?” Flea said. He patted his pocket and jerked out a cigarette and lit it, despite the fact we didn’t allow smoking inside. “Who..?” he stabbed a finger at the door between our shops. “What…?”
“I’m not going with you,” I snapped. I turned around and said, “Merlin?” Surely the age-old sorcerer of untold power would come to our aid, right? Instead, he just smiled, then shrugged before disappearing with a wink.
What will we do? What does ‘deciding your fate’ mean? How are we—? I said.
M looked at me with his golden-brown eyes. This is it, the call to action, Tess.
Pretty sure Luke Skywalker and Frodo didn’t start their heroic journeys by being arrested!
We’ll go to this trial, see what these jumped up fools think they can do to me. It’ll be fine.
“I’m getting Gabe,” Ash said, the dragon riders’ spears snapping up as she pulled her phone out.
“You’re not going, Tess. No way, not through that bloody portal again,” Flea said.
“What do you care?” I said. I watched his face, looking for it, some sort of sign that last night meant more than just a repeat performance. His expressions were too confusing to follow, but that didn’t matter I realised. He could say anything right now; that he was worried for me as a friend, that he felt something more, but he didn’t. I looked past him and saw a big burly bloke standing there, looking at the Closed sign with a frown. “You’ve got a customer,” I said.
“I have to go,” I said to Ash, jerking my head in the direction of the people-splitting spears. “Reschedule the Selessians for the morning. They’re tired and more likely to give you a good deal then.”
“I’m coming with you. You’re not facing a bloody firing squad without me,” Ash said.
“You have to stay. You promised Gabe you wouldn’t go haring off after me again without him. Anyway, you’d have to go via dragon back,” I said, watching her wince at the thought of it.
“Riding on the back of a dragon? Count me in! I mean, I’ve ridden some damn huge pieces of meat,” Jez said.
If she simulates sex while riding me, I will toss her off, M said.
The bells on the shop door rattled as it was shoved open. Gabe stood in the doorway, face like a thundercloud. “What’s this I hear about an adventure through the portal? We talked about this. You promised, only business.”
>
The dragon riders followed me into the storeroom as Gabe read Ash the riot act, which she actually listened to. They were curiously patient as I pulled my go-bag from the cupboard. There was no way I was going adventuring without deodorant and tampons again. I counted out some gold nuggets from the safe and bagged them.
“Ash is actually listening to Gabe,” Jez said.
“I know, I think she loves him. Anyone would’ve been told to get fucked quite some time ago. What’s that you’re grabbing?” I said.
“Ash told me about your go-bags, so I made one too,” she said, pulling a big black backpack from under one of the benches. She pulled out a neon pink vibrator and waved it at me. “A girl’s gotta pack the essentials.”
“Hurry up,” the dragon rider said, looking over at Jez with a frown.
Ash came in as I was readying the portal, stopping my opening sequence with a hug. Her arms wrapped around me like iron bands. “Ash, it’ll be OK.”
“It better, I’ve got to believe this is all part of Nan’s really obscure, hard to comprehend plan. Flea’s going to go with you.”
“Flea, I—”
“No arguments. You need someone by your side.”
“And me!” Jez said. “You promised I could be the sidekick this time.”
“Jez and Flea will go with you. Be safe,” my sister said, peering into my eyes, hers suspiciously shiny looking, before placing a kiss on my forehead. Flea marched in, toting a large, whole lot more suspicious-looking, bag.
“I’m opening the portal now,” I said to the dragon riders.
“Make sure it’s the correct one,” the leader said with a curl of his lip.
9
We walked down the Bordertown alleyway to the main square, heads popping out of windows to watch us go past, flinching when they saw the plasma spears. “Your behaviour so far has been commendable,” the dragon rider said. “We fly now to Aravisia. You will be required to travel as passengers on our dragons to ensure your dragon’s compliance.
