William Shakespeare's Alack! of the Clones
Page 11
And now my hunger loudly calls.
ANAKIN
Alas, unseated by this scaly brute,
And now bedragg’d across the turf most harsh.
NEXU
I come again, the dame to eat,
And shortly shall she taste defeat,
Then I shall taste a diff’rent feast:
Provision rare made for a beast!
PADMÉ
Thou hadst thy chance, and took the skin from me,
But thou shalt not receive a second chance.
Aye, climb thou higher, nasty, hairy fiend—
So high thou dost forget how long’s the fall.
[Padmé swings from her perch and kicks the nexu, which falls to the ground, whimpering.
NUTE
This wench is not allow’d to struggle thus!
DOOKU
Methinks, good Viceroy, rules concern her not.
NEXU
I savor, feisty dame, thine hit—
Meat’s richer when one works for it!
OBI-WAN
This many-legged monster ceaseth not,
The pillar to which I was lately fix’d
Hath been knock’d over in its wrath severe.
Yet here, an opportunity arises—
A Geonosian keeper draws too near.
Ha, ha! His pointed spear becometh mine!
[Obi-Wan throws the Geonosian keeper toward the acklay, skewering it on the Geonosian’s spear. Meanwhile, the reek slows its charge and stops dragging Anakin.
ANAKIN
The creature slows its charge, so I may rise,
And now I sense a diff’rence in its mien:
Exhausted by this conflict and these games,
It may a Jedi’s calmer mind obey.
I prithee, listen, animal of might:
I do not seek to thee domesticate,
For thou art independent, stout, and stern,
I only ask to see me as thine equal.
We two shall ride as one, my gallant steed,
And give thy brutal masters cause to fear.
REEK
His reason speaks a noble word—
Thus he and I shall make a herd.
[Anakin mounts the reek.
ANAKIN
He that knows better how to tame a beast,
Now let him speak; ’tis charity to show.
PADMÉ
These fetters I’ll unfetter and be free,
With both hands loose I shall succeed perforce.
NEXU
My third attempt shall be the last,
Prepare thou to be my repast.
[Anakin’s reek charges at and strikes the nexu, killing it.
PADMÉ
O, Anakin, my savior and my love!
ANAKIN
Forgive me, lady, for my sore delay,
’Twas one or two small matters kept me, dove.
Leap down and share a merry ride, I pray.
[She jumps down onto the reek, behind Anakin, while Obi-Wan brandishes his spear against the acklay.
OBI-WAN
Thou monster, now we have a fairer right,
Thou hast thy pincers, aye, and I have mine.
ACKLAY
Shall acklay be the only beast
Who shall today enjoy a feast?
Well, to it, then, and let us fight:
Your death shall sate mine appetite!
OBI-WAN
Thou hast the disadvantage, reckless brute,
For while thy points are all attach’d to thee,
My spear shall fly and hit thee ’neath thy plates.
[Obi-Wan throws his spear at the acklay, wounding it in the shoulder.
ACKLAY
A simple prick shall not suffice,
If thou dost needle, in a trice
I’ll match thy stickers quid pro quo
And watch your blood begin to flow.
OBI-WAN
’Tis good to know when holding maketh sense,
’Tis better yet to know when one should fold,
’Tis best to know when one should walk away,
Yet now the time hath come for me to run!
I’ll join the others—yea, no gambler I!
[Obi-Wan runs and jumps onto the reek, behind Padmé.
NUTE
’Tis not the script that I did write for her—
She should be in a monster’s gut ere now!
Pray, Jango, go, and finish her anon!
DOOKU
All patience, Viceroy—she shall surely die.
Enter DROIDEKAS.
OBI-WAN
From worse to worst, we are surrounded.
ANAKIN
—Fie!
Methought our freedom almost was acquir’d.
Enter MACE WINDU on balcony, brandishing his lightsaber against JANGO FETT, as many JEDI, including KI-ADI-MUNDI, rush into the arena below. GEONOSIANS flee the arena.
MACE
Bear witness, old boy, your plot is o’erthrown.
DOOKU
Bold Master Windu, all my gratitude
I bear to you for joining us herein.
MACE
This produce is pulp; fiction is your plan.
To put it plain: your reign of terror ends.
DOOKU
’Tis brave, yet foolish, mine old Jedi friend.
You are outnumber’d far beyond your ken.
MACE
I think not. Soon you shall be in a cell,
Or mayhap dead: it matters not to me.
DOOKU
We shall both see what twists Fate knits for us.
Enter a large battalion of BATTLE DROIDS, including C-3PO 1 in the ranks, attacking.
JANGO
Inflam’d my passion is—thus may you die in flames,
Jedi!
[Jango shoots flames at Mace, who leaps to the stage.
MACE
Behold, how like a kite I do descend—
I hover on, propell’d by Windu’s Force.
OBI-WAN
With hope renew’d we fight this battle grand,
New lightsabers provided by our friends!
C-3PO 1
Alas, I cannot feel my legs aright—
Mayhap I have a need for maintenance.
[A blast knocks Anakin, Padmé, and Obi-Wan from the reek’s back.
ANAKIN
[to reek:] My sturdy mount, I thank thee for thine aid,
Flee now at once, and hope speed thee away.
REEK
A battle is no place for me,
Thus reek shall turn his tail and flee.
[Exit the reek.
PADMÉ
A chariot doth nearly run me o’er,
I’ll leap in, throw the driver out of joint!
[Padmé leaps onto a passing chariot, subduing its driver and taking the reins.
ANAKIN
My lady, I shall join thee thereupon
To battle from a better vantage point.
Enter more BATTLE DROIDS, with C-3PO 2 in the ranks.
C-3PO 2
What is this noise that clatters in mine ears?
A battle—O, alas, take me therefrom!
Yet do these legs, these stubborn borrow’d legs
Propel mine head where I’d not wish to go!
O, grave mistake—I am not programm’d for
Destruction, nay, but merely etiquette!
C-3PO 1
I shoot, the Jedi vermin to destroy,
But, O, here comes a shot toward mine head!
[A ricocheting blaster fire destroys C-3PO 1’s battle droid head, as his body falls to the ground.
OBI-WAN
We are outnumber’d sorely in this fight!
JANGO
These Jedi are no match for Jango Fett. Feel the fire of
my blaster, Jedi scum, as your candle I do snuff! Down
below hath Windu fallen—these other Jedi being no
match for me, I’ll seek him out and try him in th
e field.
[Jango flies to the stage, facing off with Mace.
Enter the REEK, charging at JANGO FETT.
REEK
The reek doth charge again, my friends,
And for my rage I’ll make amends.
Charge at this one who works you woe,
That he may feel the reek’s harsh blow.
JANGO
’Sblood, this beast doth run o’er me as one with the
strength of a hundred bulls! Now doth it mean to charge
on me again. Thou may’st have knock’d me down once,
monster, yet no one hath e’er twice brought me defeat.
[Jango fires at the reek, killing it.
MACE
Unjustly done, the noble steed to slay!
Now thou shalt die hard; with a vengeance comes
Mace Windu boldly—lay on, Jango Fett!
JANGO
How quick he comes, with speed both vast and harsh.
Mine ev’ry shot he doth avoid, as though I were but a
child’s plaything to him. E’en closer now, and closer—fie!
This is the end, aye, here falleth the Fett.
[Mace cuts off Jango’s head and then looks to Count Dooku.
DOOKU
My bounty hunter quite undone. Methinks
This may portend the changing of the tide
Of battle. See how Master Windu doth
Behold me with his eyes of burnish’d steel.
BOBA
Behold I this foul scene with the eyes of a child.
Must I now grow into a man at once? My father,
cruelly murder’d by this Jedi. Remember this moment,
Boba, and let it mark thine ev’ry footstep forward.
My father shall be aveng’d, and I, in time, shall take
his place as the most vicious bounty hunter that e’er
did roam the galaxy. Learn this lesson, Jedi: like the
wild, unruly hydra, you cannot strike the head from
the Fetts but another shall grow in its place.
[Exit Boba.
C-3PO 2
Die, Jedi dogs! Alas, what did I say?
I am so sorry for my body’s actions,
This is beyond all proper protocol!
[A Jedi uses the Force to knock down C-3PO 2, and another battle droid falls slain on top of him.
Beg pardon, I am trapp’d. Might someone help?
PADMÉ
Our chariot’s destroy’d but we fight on,
Belike the battle turns toward our gain.
ANAKIN
Our adversaries may soon be withdrawn:
Perchance our struggle hath not been in vain.
But justify thy words, belovèd, please:
Is this thy “diplomatic end,” I ask?
PADMÉ
“Determinèd negotiations,” these!
Thy words were better suited for this task.
[The acklay approaches Obi-Wan from behind, unbeknownst to him.
OBI-WAN
I fight these battle droids, and now they flee—
What fear doth shake them? Certainly, not I?
ACKLAY
Here is the one who did me wrong,
Who prick’d me with a bitter prong.
Yet I shall do him better still:
His life or mine, aye, come what will!
OBI-WAN
The beast hath come again to pay his debts!
But little doth he know my newfound strength:
When he did seek to slay me earlier,
I had no lightsaber and was not whole.
Taste thou the flaming touch of Jedi’s sword!
I’ll take these legs one at a time from thee,
Sweep underneath and cut thee down to size!
[Obi-Wan runs under the acklay, cutting off its legs as he goes, and then runs it through.
ACKLAY
A bitter pain, a monster’s trick,
He injureth me to the quick.
The acklay’s life shall be no more,
He triumphs where none hath before.
[The acklay dies.
Enter R2-D2.
R2-D2
[aside:] The battle is laid out on ev’ry side,
As Jedi strong with battle droids conflict.
How wide the skirmish, yet may I, a droid,
Pass safely through for none think me a threat.
How may I render service to my friends?
Ah, there is my companion, Threepio,
Upended on the field, awaiting aid.
Since I did bring C-3PO to this,
’Tis meet that I remove him from it, too.
[R2-D2 approaches C-3PO 2.
[To C-3PO 2:] Beep, meep!
C-3PO 2
—O, R2, wherefore art thou here?
R2-D2
Meep, whistle, squeak!
C-3PO 2
—What art thou doing, droid?
[R2-D2 releases a magnet and attaches it to C-3PO 2’s head, removing the head from the battle droid body.
Cease this at once, thou shalt my circuits strain.
My neck—alack! Once more my body’s gone.
At least this time I have not lost mine head!
Where shalt thou take me, dragging me along?
R2-D2
Beep, whistle, meep, beep, hoo, meep, whistle, nee!
[R2-D2 pulls C-3PO 2’s head next to C-3PO 1’s body, joining them once more.
C-3PO
Was e’er a droid beside himself as I?
Take thou good care, R2, as thou fix’st me!
I would not scorchèd be by thy repairs.
’Tis better, aye, yet is mine head aright?
OBI-WAN
The battle presses in, and we are ta’en!
There are too many of them to succeed.
ANAKIN
You are correct, good Master, for our plight
Looks dismal by the light of droidly fire.
MACE
The deep blue sea hath not such magnitude
As all these battle droids, which come sans end.
DOOKU
By my command, I end this gross attack.
Cease droids, that I may speak unto the Jedi.
[The battle droids draw up their weapons and stop approaching.
Brash Master Windu, gallantly you’ve fought,
And shall one day remember’d be within
The Jedi archives’ thorough history.
Yet now the battle’s finish’d. Make surrender,
And you may spare your humble, little lives.
MACE
We Jedi Knights shall ne’er be subject to
The sad, false law and order you would bring,
And neither shall we serve as hostages.
We are not coins with which you may acquire
A vast Republic. Nay, Count Dooku, ne’er.
DOOKU
You have bought mine apologies, old friend,
And purchas’d in the deal your own quick deaths.
PADMÉ
Behold, above—how many ships do come!
Enter YODA with ships full of CLONE TROOPERS. Enter RUMOR severally.
RUMOR
Forsooth, full many ships fly on the scene,
O’er all the heads of the combatants here.
Resounding, like the noise of a machine,
Surrounding all, they bring both hope and fear.
O’er all the clones doth Yoda take the lead,
On deck he standeth, ready for the fight.
The ships of clones do meet the Jedi need:
Here strike they now the battle droids with might.
Confusion in your mind mayhap doth rise:
O, how sly Rumor tangles up your mind!
Naught knew Count Dooku of the clone surprise,
For he believ’d they were to him assign’d.
Until good Obi-Wan Kamino found,
Sith plann’d to use the clones as their own force.
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Instead, the Jedi did these plans confound—
Or so it seems, yet Rumor hath her course.
Now you may think the Jedi have a strength
Above whatever foes they e’er have fac’d.
But do remember that the clones, at length,
On the Republic’s rolls shall soon be plac’d.
Use your imagination: if the Sith
Nigh run th’Republic, e’en as Dooku said,
Disaster to the Jedi comes forthwith:
Soon this clone army shall by Sith be led.
Here to the Jedi comes, all unforeseen,
Events that shall undo them through and through.
Result shall be a hapless closing scene:
E’en Jedi can’t escape a Rumor true.
[Exit Rumor.
YODA
[to troopers:] Around our allies,
Those who have surviv’d thus far,
A margin create.
OBI-WAN
These blessèd ships unto our rescue come!
Behold how with a shocking potency
They blast the enemy to kingdom come.
I find myself imbued with gratitude
For their most sudden advent on the scene.
The strength they bring is vast and measureless—
Perhaps could conquer galaxies entire.
What would befall were they not on our side?
I hope I ne’er shall witness such a day.
PADMÉ
Make haste, good Jedi all, for we must flee.
ANAKIN
Unto the ships we go—we fly anon!
DOOKU
This interruption’s unexpected, aye,
Yet may still run unto our broader purpose.
[Exeunt Count Dooku, Nute Gunray, and Poggle the Lesser from balcony.
YODA
If Dooku escapes,