by Leah Holt
“Joking? Why would I be joking?”
“Mom, come on, don't act like you don't know. If you invited all these people, then there's a chance that—”
“What?” she asked, cutting me off. “That Yuri might show up here too?” Cocking her head into her shoulder, her eyes danced back and forth between mine. “You don't know?” she asked. Shaking my head, I waited for her to tell me. “He's long gone, Gwen, he moved away the same year—” Cutting herself off, she gave me a look. “You know.”
Yeah, I know.
The news painted their own picture of Yuri, but I didn't actually accept any of the truth until a little while later. There was enough shame I had to live with for not recognizing his true colors, for being gullible and absent minded to the obvious.
I kept blaming myself for not seeing it, I often thought that if I had just paid more attention I could have at least saved him from making that horrible choice.
“I don't want to talk about this anymore.” Holding up my hand, I stopped her from saying anything else about Yuri. “I just wish I knew before hand is all.”
“Gwen, I invited friends and family, I don't think his mother has even heard from him since all of that.” Softening her expression, she leaned over and rubbed the top of my knee. “Do you want me to call Nilla tomorrow and ask her about him?”
“No, no, no,” I quickly replied. “You don't need to do that, I don't want her saying something to him, and him thinking that I'm wondering about him. Because I'm not. I don't want to know about him, I don't want to talk about him, and I don't want to ever see him again.”
“It sounds to me like you want to see him.” My father gave me a side-eyed glare, flipping the page of the newspaper he was holding.
And that's my cue to end it there.
“Okay, I'm going to go to bed. I had a long day, I think it's time to get some rest.”
You don't need to worry, he's not in town. And even if he was, he knows better than to try and talk to me. Especially after I told him I never wanted to see him again.
Dropping onto the mattress, I fell flat on my face against the downy comforter. A headache was brewing behind my eyes, making it hard to keep them open.
Yuri kept popping into my head, both good and bad memories. His smile was one I used to crave, his touch was something I used to desire. He had the greenest eyes I had ever seen and when he would look at me, I could feel it all over.
My skin would tingle, my heart would jump, and my stomach would get all knotted up. I thought he was the one, I thought we were going to be together forever.
Then one day it all changed—who I thought he was changed. Nothing was the same after that.
And then my heart tore open, bleeding the future we were supposed to share all over the floor.
Inhaling a deep breath, hidden notes of his cologne seemed to be weaved in the blanket. Jerking my face up, I gripped the blanket and smelled it again. It was gone, the lingering aroma only a figment of my imagination.
But I couldn't deny the sudden surge of butterflies that rumbled in my belly or the way my heart skipped a beat when I thought I could smell him.
What the hell is happening here?
That part of my life is over.
Chapter Three
Gwen
“Good morning, Gwenie.” I felt the weight of my mother on the edge of the bed as she leaned over and looked down on me. “Rise and shine.”
“Mom,” I said, my voice dry and crackling.
“Yes, Honey?”
“What are you doing?” Opening one eye, I glanced up at her over my shoulder.
“It's your morning wake up call, same as always.”
“That was when I was in school and needed to get up early. I have no reason to get up at. . .” Pausing, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and checked the time. “Seven in the morning.”
Standing up, she walked over to the windows and yanked open the curtains. “Actually you do.” Turning around, she cupped her hips and smiled. “We have some shopping to do for the party, and there's not a chance on this earth that I'm doing it with your father.”
“You mean you don't want to spend the whole time shopping by yourself while he naps in the car?” Pushing up in the bed, I rubbed my eyes.
“Exactly, besides, he's on airport duty for your brother.” Clapping her hands together, she gave me a big toothy grin. “Okay, breakfast is in twenty, get dressed and come down when you're set. Us girls have a busy day today.”
“Yay,” I said sarcastically, shaking my fists in the air.
“Don't start, you're not too old for me to ground you.”
“I'm twenty-seven, Mom.”
“The rules don't change,” she said with a smirk, wagging her finger in my direction. “My house, my rules. Twenty minutes, get moving.”
Closing the door as she walked out, I gripped the blanket and tugged it over my head, snuggling back into the darkness.
Within seconds my door flew back open and the heavy thud of my father's feet stepped inside. “Get your ass out of bed.” His voice was tough but playful.
“I'm up, mom was just in here.”
“Yeah I know.” I heard him walking across the carpet, stopping at the window.
Staying under the blankets, I pulled up the end so I could look out. “Then why are you here?”
“Because your mother is up.”
“I don't understand.” Making an opening large enough for him to see my face, my brows arched high. “You're here because she's out there?”
“Exactly.” Turning on his heels, he pointed at me. “You're in my quiet spot, this is where I hide when I don't want her harassing me about going out for a walk.”
Thirty years my parents had been married. I couldn't help but think it had to be normal for people to crave some solitude that was just for them.
Throwing the covers off my head, I sat up. “Fine, I'm getting up.” Climbing out of bed, I dug through my bag and got out some clean clothes. “I'll go shower and let you have your quiet time.”
“Damn right you will. And when you're done, you can do me a favor and go keep your mother busy.”
“You know she's not wrong, you should go for that walk, it'll do you some good.” Holding my clothes against my chest, I started for the door. “Mom told me about your gallbladder, she also told me the doctor said you're a borderline diabetic. A little exercise could help with that—”
Cutting me off, he started laughing. “And lose all this?” Grabbing his gut, he gave it a little shake. “Never, this is the new sexy. Haven't been keeping up on what's hot anymore. Miss. New York?”
“Obviously not,” chuckling, I shut the door, leaving him alone.
Taking a quick shower, I dried off and got dressed. Doing my best not to think about the impeding shit show I might have to endure. I was not looking forward to the party. I should restate that; I was not looking forward to the very slim chance that Yuri might pop up somewhere.
The party might be great, I might actually have a good time. But the idea of possibly running into Yuri, regardless of how slim of a chance it might be, made my heart ache.
Stop worrying about him! Mom said he moved away, he could be anywhere. . .
Which also means he could be right here.
Shaking the thought out of my head, I went down stairs. The scent of pancakes and sausage hit me before I made it to the bottom. Turning the corner into the kitchen, there was a full plate sitting at the table with a cup of orange juice and a steaming mug of coffee.
“I couldn't remember how you take your coffee, so I left the sugar and the cream on the table.” My mother was washing my father's dish, setting it to dry in the rack. “Eat up, we'll leave when you're done.”
“Are you telling me that the places around here started opening before nine in the morning?”
“They do at Christmas time.” Wiping her hands on a dish rag, she pulled a piece of paper off the fridge and started going through our list for the day. “W
e need to hit Gloria's bakery to get the croissants your brother likes, I have gifts on layaway for the kids that I can pickup today.” Taking a seat at the table, she sipped her coffee as she kept reading. “Mable has decorations waiting for us over at Clark's Little Country store, and I need to hit the supermarket for food.”
“Sounds easy enough.” Eating breakfast, I watched my mother as she cleaned up the kitchen and swept the floor. “When we get back, I want to look over those papers you got.”
Waving her hand, she scrunched her face. “Gwen, we have plenty of time for that, you're here until next Tuesday.”
“Yeah, but I have no idea what I'm going to need to do to get the lien off. I don't want to wait until the last minute, Mom. Not to mention, it's Friday, everything will be closed through the weekend and Christmas is Monday. So. . .”
“I know, I know, and you'll have time for that.”
Pushing away from the table, I tilted my head as I looked at her. “Why do I get the feeling you're trying to hold me off from looking at this?”
Shrugging her shoulder, she wouldn't let her eyes connect with mine. “I don't know, Gwen, maybe it's because you're really good at making a big deal about nothing. . .” Letting her words trail off, she took a big gulp of her coffee. “That's why you're such a good lawyer.”
Biting my tongue, I didn't give her any fuel to keep going and turn this in some type of argument. Setting my fork down on the plate, I drank the last of my coffee, picking up everything and putting it in the sink.
“Okay, let's go get this stuff done.”
The first stop wasn't so bad. I had to deal with a lot of questions from Mrs. Colletta about where I've been and why it had taken me so long to come home. I was prepared for that, my answers a running list that I had stored in my brain.
'Work is really busy, it's hard to get away.'
'Being a lawyer requires a lot of time and effort on your part for the client, it's not something you can just walk away from.'
“So, I hear Yuri and you were still in touch while he was in prison.” Mrs. Colletta's face soured, her lips puckering up tight. “How does that work when you're a lawyer?”
“Excuse me?” Furrowing my brows, I stared at her with my mouth hanging open.
Flicking her finger in my direction, she smiled. It was a slimy, rumor filled smile that made my blood boil. “This is a small town, Gwen, eventually word gets around.”
This fucking lady. I never liked her.
Stiffening my shoulders, I parted my lips to rip her a new one. Touching my elbow lightly, my mother stepped in, taking the reigns.
“Denise, tell me how your son is doing. Is he still on work release?”
And that's how you shut up a woman who calls the kettle black.
Backing away from the counter, my mother tilted her head and gave her a smile, grabbing the bundle of croissants in her arms.
“What the hell was that?” I asked my mom as we stepped back out onto the sidewalk.
“That was someone who doesn't know when to put their foot in their mouth.” Opening the car door, she set the pastries on the floor, standing up to look at me across the roof. “People say things, Gwen, you know that. And around here, people like to create drama. That's all that was, it was rumors that don't mean a thing.”
My mother plopped into the driver's seat, ready to move on, while I stood still, unsure how far the rumor mill had gone with Yuri and myself.
Opening the door, I sat down, letting out a long sigh. “How far do these rumors go, Mom? I mean what are people saying?”
“Oh lord, Gwen, don't do this. You of all people should know better than to worry about what other people are saying.”
“I just want to know so I can be prepared for it. If everyone we see is going to start asking me questions like that, I think I have the right to know what's being said.”
“It doesn't matter, none of them are true, right?”
“Of course they're not true.”
“Then don't worry about it. You know the answers already.” Thinning her lips, she patted the top of my thigh. “Who cares what people are saying, it doesn't change anything.”
She was right.
At the center of everything, at the pure heart of it all, the only thing I lost was my first love. I had my career, I had my family, I had an entire life ahead of me. He was just a boy, a boy who had no place in my life anymore.
Then why does it still hurt so much?
Arriving at the store to pick up the decorations, I decided to sit this one out. My mother wasn't too pleased with the idea, but I promised her I'd go food shopping with her. Slouching down, I laid my head back, staring out the windshield into the sky.
From the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. Twisting to look, a man was holding a door open to the hardware store. He was turned away from me, with shoulder length hair pulled back into a low ponytail.
Twisting to his side to make room for a customer coming out, I could see his face perfectly.
Yuri.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It felt like all the air inside the car had been sucked out, leaving my lungs to struggle. I wanted to drop out of sight, I wanted to melt into the seat and disappear.
And yet, I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I couldn't move my muscles. I was frozen, trapped inside myself, unable to look away.
He looked the same, but different. His hair was longer, his face leaner and sharper. Every muscle he had was now ten times bigger and firmer. My skin buzzed as I watched him smile at the woman who had just left the store, his grin enough to make my stomach tumble.
Twisting his face in the direction of my car, he squinted his eyes and lifted a hand to his face to block the sun.
Oh fuck!
Ducking down, I hid from view as my heart pounded so forcefully I thought it was going to jump clear out of my chest.
He didn't see me—he didn't see me—he didn't see me.
The mantra played over and over in my head as I clutched my hands to my chest and sealed my eyes shut.
“What the hell are you doing?” my mother asked as she sat down beside me.
Opening my eyes wide, I said, “He's here, he's right over there.”
“Who's here?”
“Yuri, Yuri is here.”
“Where, Gwen? I don't see him.”
Sticking my head up, he was gone. “He was right there, I saw him.”
“Honey, I think you just imagined it. I talk to his mother from time to time, and he hasn't been home almost as long as you. I highly doubt that it'd be that coincidental you'd both show up at the same time. Seriously, what are the odds in that?”
“I know what I saw.” Pushing myself all the way up, I shook my head. “I didn't imagine it.”
“Maybe you just saw what you expected to see. You expect to see him here, your eyes probably played a trick on you.”
“No, he was there, I swear it was him.” Glancing back at the store, I tried like hell to see inside the front window. But the glare was too much, making it impossible to see inside. “It was him.”
Reaching out, my mother took my hand. “Honey, I know deep down that you think you're over everything, you've said it before. Obviously, you're not, and that's okay. He was your first love, that never goes away.” Giving my hand a squeeze, she brushed some loose strands of hair out my face. “But you can't do this to yourself, you have to stop thinking about him. You have to stop worrying about whether or not you'll see him here, because I'm sorry, your father and I aren't moving. And we would really love it if you came home more.”
“I know, but I told you, work—”
“Gwen, I know you,” she cut in, giving me that motherly stare. “And I know why you haven't come home all these years. But you can't live your life in fear of something that may or may not happen. Even if you did see him, so what? What does it change?” Not giving me time to answer, she barked. “Nothing, it changes nothing. You have your life, you're living your life, but you'r
e not really living if you're constantly paranoid you might see him. You know your father and I aren't going to be around forever, stop letting his ghost dictate what you do.”
Sitting silent, I didn't have anything to use against what she was saying. She was right.
I avoided this place like the plague. But I had a good reason. . .
Didn't I?
I wanted to believe that I was right, that I could validate the choices I made; moving to the other side of the country, not coming home because he had roots here to too.
But when I really thought about it, I don't think my biggest problem was Yuri.
It was me never forgiving him for the choice he made all those years ago. I held that vision of him in my mind like an evil trophy. I let it consume me, I allowed it to turn my stomach with the thought I might see him again.
And that fear dug its nails into my skin so deep it hit the bone.
My mother was right. I had to stop living my life like I was going to see him at every corner if I came home.
Maybe it wasn't even him to begin with?
It was hard for me to admit being wrong, but this time, I couldn't ignore it.
“You're right,” I said, bouncing my eyes between my mother's. “My mind is probably playing tricks on me. I'm done with him, I've been done with him for years, I have to stop doing this to myself.”
Leaning over, my mother wrapped her arm around my neck and pulled me in. Kissing my forehead, she whispered. “I never thought I'd hear you say that.”
“What? That I'm done with him?”
“No.” Grinning, she put the key in the ignition and started the car. “That I'm right.” Driving away from the store, she kept her eyes on the road. “I really wish I had recorded that on my phone.”
Laughing, I felt my body relax. I was ready to free myself of all the burdens I carried around that man.
This was my life, and he had no place in it anymore.
Chapter Four
Gwen
“Well look who it is.” My brother Tyler said as I entered the house.
Dropping the bags onto the floor, I smiled. “Long time no see, Tyler.” Holding out my arms, my brother stepped in and gave me a hug.
