by Samah
34
‘Trust me, I have no idea what you mean. Please explain yourself, Chirag,’ Priya said, blinking furiously.
‘Come on . . . I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that you . . . you know . . . after Aryan was born you just got . . . I don’t know . . . strict and controlling with everything. I . . . uh . . .’
‘Strict and controlling? Really? How?’
Her petulance ticked him off. ‘Priya, don’t act like what I’m saying is Greek to you. Even you know what I’m talking about . . . But anyway, can we please let this go? I’m sorry I said that,’ he said, looking away.
Priya wriggled out of his embrace and stood up, looking him in the face.
‘No! We cannot let it go. Do you really think everything that went wrong with us was because of me? Is that the case? And what do you mean by “obsessive”?’
‘Oh god! Can you just relax? It’s not all because of you. But if you expect me to accept my faults, then you should be willing to do the same, Priya . . . and why are we even discussing this? I thought we just cleared out everything. Let’s just forget all this, please. Let’s have a drink together, come,’ he said looking at her.
‘Are you doing this on purpose? To mock me? Because of last night?’
‘What the hell is wrong with you, Priya!’
‘Apparently I’m “obsessive” and “strict” and “controlling”,’ Priya said with air quotes.
Chirag buried his face in his hands and sighed. Just when I thought this nonsense was finally over. Why can’t I think before I speak?
‘You think I was obsessive when Aryan was growing up? How dare you, Chirag? How can you think like this?’
‘Damn it, Priya! That’s not what I meant. But the fact is that you completely changed after Aryan was born, and I found it hard to adjust to things and to understand you at times.’
‘Oh, yeah? Yeah? And what about you? From the most understanding husband in the world, you turned into the biggest ass in the world. Don’t make me even start about you.’
‘No, please, Priya. Please enlighten me.’
‘Well, Chirag, I’m sorry to break this to you but you were never there when I needed you the most. Managing my job and Aryan together was not as easy as I made it look, and there were times when I needed you to stand by me but you didn’t.’
Chirag opened his mouth to protest but Priya held up her hand to stop him.
‘I know, okay, that you were working hard and all of that. But still. There is a time for everything, and that was not the time to prioritize your work. It was the time to be with me and Aryan.’
‘Oh, really? I can’t believe you’re saying this,’ he said standing up. ‘I would have given anything to be there with you at every step of the way but you didn’t let me, Priya. Think about it. Just stop for a minute and think how you used to be. You were a control freak around Aryan. Whatever I did was wrong, however I did it was wrong. You made me feel like I was failing at being a father. Whether it was changing his diapers or feeding him or dealing with his tantrums, the only way to do it right was your way.’
‘Because it was!’
‘How do you know? That was a first for the both of us. Even if you had better instincts when it came to him, you had no right to make me feel like that. I had no choice but to let go.’
‘Huh. That’s convenient.’
‘It wasn’t, believe me. But I didn’t want fights. You had an argument for everything and if you didn’t, you just knew how to make me feel guilty because you had endured so much during the delivery.’
‘And I had! And some part of me always felt like you didn’t want the baby when it happened because we hadn’t planned it. That’s why you distanced yourself from us.’
‘Wow! What complete bullshit! I distanced myself from you and Aryan? Have you gone completely crazy?’
‘So now we’re down to name-calling?’
‘Weren’t we already doing that? Because I’m a “jerk” and an “ass”. When will you realize how many double standards you have, Priya?’
‘Me? Really? Says the man who subscribes to numerous porn websites but won’t touch his wife! Hah! How ironic!’ The words were out before Priya realized what she was saying. She had never meant to let him know she knew of his guilty pleasures. She had seen it listed in the history of his office laptop.
Chirag’s eyebrows almost disappeared into his hair. He felt a jab of embarrassment at being exposed like this but he held his ground.
‘What firm have you hired to spy on me?’
‘I haven’t. I’m just that good and you’re just that predictable.’
‘So are you. I find it so ironic that you are accusing me of this because I can remember at least a hundred times when I initiated sex but you pushed me away, literally pushed me away . . . And somehow, it all started after Aryan. What do you have to say to that? Or are you going to deny that as well?’
‘Chirag! You wanted to have sex ELEVEN days after my delivery! Eleven days!’
‘Oh god, not that again! No, no, no. I’m not having this conversation again.’
‘Well, at least you’re not denying it.’
‘Yes! Okay, I did! I’m sorry that you delivered the baby, Priya. I’m sorry that that’s how it works. I didn’t design the process. I’m sorry you had to go through it but how was I supposed to know? I’d missed you, Priya. I just wanted to be close to you again. But I understood, didn’t I? I have apologized to you enough for this. I wasn’t trying to be insensitive, it was one incident, please let it go. What about all the times after that when you were not interested?’
‘It was tough okay, Chirag, with so much to do.’
‘Then why are you complaining about it?’
‘Because you lost interest in me. You never made me feel good about myself. I had put on weight and I . . .’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me right now,’ Chirag said. ‘How can you say that, Priya? After all the times I showed you just how much I wanted you, how can you say that? And anyway, why should I initiate sex every time? Couldn’t you ever do it? I don’t remember even one instance, Priya. Not one after Aryan was born where you showed love for me. You reciprocated, yes. We had great times, yes. But you never made me feel wanted either. It always looked like sex was a favour you were doing me. Do you know how that made me feel? Didn’t I have the right to feel wanted too?’
‘Stop twisting things around to make yourself the victim. Your body did not change after Aryan. Mine did. You obviously lost interest in me. Not just physically. And everything is not about sex.’
‘Exactly! All the times when I tried to be close to you, why did it always have to be about that? You wouldn’t even let me hug you at times, Priya. Don’t you remember? Do you want me to make a list? I’m sure I can remember at least a few times.’
Priya fell silent. They had never talked like this, never fought about their fights.
‘And since we’re digging into the past, please give me an explanation for every time you refused to spend time with me. All the plans you cancelled which, by the way, did not involve sex. All the times you didn’t accompany me to places—work trips, family gatherings. What about that?’
‘I cancelled? Or you made plans at all the wrong times? I agree I couldn’t accompany you to places like before but there was a reason for it. It wasn’t out of choice. And what about all the plans that I made and you cancelled?’
‘You made plans? Just for us? I don’t remember.’
‘You don’t have a good memory then.’
‘It’s just one of my many flaws, Priya. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with me all these years,’ Chirag said, wrapping up the conversation. He needed some distance. So much for talking things through calmly. He picked up his things from the bed and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
Priya stood there, in the aftermath of their biggest fight. Then she went and lay down on the bed. The past week had drained her, both mentally and
physically. All she wanted was some peace of mind.
35
Chirag spent thirty minutes in the shower. He felt silly for believing that the knots formed over years of neglect could be untangled overnight.
When he got out, Priya was still awake. One arm covered her face; one leg was crossed over the other. He didn’t look at her. He moved about the room as if she was not there.
Priya did not stir as Chirag got dressed. For the moment she concentrated on dismissing all her thoughts. Her breathing was even now.
The smell of cologne filled the room.
She snuck a look at Chirag when she changed the position of her hand. He was running his fingers through his hair in front of the mirror. Then he picked up his phone from the bed and left the room.
As soon as the door shut, she lifted her head to confirm he was gone. She wiped her face with the sleeve of her shirt. Then she pressed the bridge of her nose. She decided to apologize to him as soon as she felt better. Within minutes she fell asleep.
* * *
Priya woke up almost two hours later, feeling dazed. She looked at the time. It was almost 8 p.m. Shit! She hadn’t intended to fall asleep for this long, but at least the throbbing in her head had subsided. She got off the bed and started to get ready to go downstairs. She changed into a regular office shirt and put on a fresh pair of jeans. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. Then she rolled her hair into a neat bun. She was putting on her slippers when someone knocked.
‘You’re up. Come down. Everyone’s asking for you,’ Chirag said.
Priya smiled at him, then nodded. She tidied the bed and switched off the lights before walking to the door.
‘Come, let’s go,’ she said, standing right in front of him.
He put his hands on her shoulders and said, ‘I’m sorry, Priya. You are the best mother Aryan could ever have.’
She smiled at him and then stepped forward and kissed him. He hugged her tight and kissed her back. Holding each other they walked inside the room, shutting the door behind them.
Priya woke up in the morning to breakfast in bed.
The wooden tray had an omelette and a glass of orange juice.
‘I do put a little ginger in it,’ Chirag said.
Acknowledgements
The journey of this novel started with my mother telling me she loved the first draft. For a few years it lay in my folder of rubbish manuscripts until my editor told me it had potential. In the last couple of months, my husband has reread many portions of it when he could have been watching a heist film on Netflix. I owe all of them my deepest gratitude.
The team at Penguin Random House India—Gurveen for giving the story an opportunity, Saloni for making it better, Parag for the fabulous book cover. Thank you.
My father and in-laws, for their constant support over the years. Thank you.
And you, the reader, for your time. Thank you.
THE BEGINNING
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This collection published 2018
Copyright © Samah Visaria 2018
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Jacket images © Parag Chitale
ISBN 978-0-143-44136-6
This digital edition published in 2018.
e-ISBN: 978-9-353-05110-5
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
