I squeeze my eyes shut as a fire burns in my chest, fueled by disappointment, guilt and torment.
“It was stupid, I know. I’m sorry, Tristan, I really am. But please, please, you can’t tell Ryan. You can’t tell anyone. I can’t let them know how stupid I am. Please. They can’t ever know I’m such a fuck-up that I’m willing to have sex for drugs. Please promise you won’t tell anyone.”
Her begging guts me and it takes everything in me to nod in agreement. I would do anything for Hazel. Hell, I blame myself for agreeing to let her meet me tonight. I should have picked her up so she never would have been in this situation in the first place.
“I’ll never tell anyone.” She looks relieved to hear me say that. “But you have to promise me you’re done with that fucking shit, Hazel. I mean it. I’ll always be here for you and I swear I’ll do everything I can to find a way out for us, but I need you to be done with this.” I convince myself I’m doing this solely for her own good, but the really fucked up part is I think I’m also asking for me. I know I can’t ever truly call Hazel mine while she’s addicted to something else.
Tears continue to roll down her cheeks as she whispers, “I promise.”
I hug Hazel closer to me and as she cries on my shoulder I make another promise to myself—a promise that one day I will be able to offer Hazel a future.
A future for us both.
I start to pack up my tools when I’m done framing the windows on the Johnson property. CJ and Brent have already packed up so they nod goodbye. When I head out to my car a few minutes later, I’m surprised to see Ryan leaning against it. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
We haven’t talked much in the three months since . . . well, since the night I won’t ever forget. The image of Hazel about to get fucked by that asshole is forever burned into my brain. As much as I hate it, it’s at least fueling me to keep my promise of a better life for us. Since I graduated and don’t have school to deal with I’ve been taking every extra shift Mr. Turner will give me, saving up as much money as I can. I don’t have a plan yet, but I know it will take a lot of hard work and sacrifice no matter what it is.
Ryan, in his drunken, fucked-up mind, chooses to believe I was the one who got Hazel hooked on coke in the first place, claiming he saw my sorry ass every time Dougie D was around his sister. That second part is probably true since I was trying to keep her away from Dougie, and the only way to do that was to hang around where she was. A few times Ryan even tried to drunkenly fight me because of it. But in terms of the first part? Well, Ryan sees what he wants to see, and apparently I’m just a no-good druggie. Like mother like son, right? Since he’s usually too drunk to know his ass from his mouth, it’s no use trying to set the record straight anymore.
“You look like shit,” I muse, brushing past Ryan to throw open the back door of my car. I toss my tools on the back seat and slam the door shut. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already hammered and just wants to get on my case again.
Ryan shoves his hands in his pockets, unamused. “Gee, thanks. I didn’t come here for your warm and fuzzy compliments, though.”
I run my fingers through my hair. “Then why the fuck did you come here?”
He looks off into the distance and I notice his expression, while distant, is focused. For the first time in a long time I think he’s actually sober.
He toes a rock on the ground with his shoe before looking back at me. “I know I haven’t exactly been in the best place lately, so I’m going to get help. There’s a rehab center that specializes in alcoholism so I’m going to be away for a while. I need to get better if I have any chance of doing something good with my life.”
“Shit,” I mutter, both shocked and impressed. Ryan Blake is nothing if not proud, so for him to admit this, especially to me, is a huge step in itself.
He nods. “Yeah. But before I go I wanted to talk to you. I want to make sure you’re going to stay away from Hazel while I’m gone. In fact, I want you to stay away from her for good.”
I scoff. Of course. This again. “Look, man, I told you a million times, I’m just looking out for her. That night . . . what happened . . .” I shake my head, unable to find the right words. “It’s not what you think.”
I see Ryan’s jaw tic and I know he’s trying really hard not to lose his temper with me. “Let me guess, you were all just having a tea party, right?” He laughs sarcastically. “I’ll be the first to admit I don’t remember a whole hell of a lot of details, but I sure as shit know my sister was half-naked and screaming in a room with a bunch of coke heads, and you were in the middle of it all. Unless you can give me a good reason for any of that shit, I think I have all the info I need.”
I study Ryan’s face. How easy would it be to tell him the truth? If he only knew what was really going on that night, maybe he wouldn’t hate me so much.
But I remember promising Hazel I wouldn’t say anything, and I know I’ll keep her secret until the day I die. I also know hearing the truth would only break Ryan’s heart, possibly even more than mine. To hear that his baby sister was willing to whore herself out in order to get high? What good would that do either of them? Especially now that he’s finally going to get the help he needs. I don’t want him to have this hanging over his family. No, let him blame me. Let him hate me. I’d rather he look at me with all the disdain and disappointment in the world, rather than think less of Hazel.
Besides, he’s also right in a way. Any way you slice it, nothing about what went down that night should have happened in the first place. I knew Hazel had a problem and didn’t pay enough attention to how much trouble she could get in, so it’s just as much my fault for not being able to save her.
I settle for telling him the only part of the truth I can, hoping it will at least salvage some part of our friendship. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have let her get into that mess. And for that I’m sorry. But you have to believe me, man, I didn’t touch her. I’d never hurt Hazel.”
He narrows his eyes at me, trying to tell if I’m feeding him a line of bullshit. He must know I’m telling the truth because after a long pause he says, “I know you wouldn’t do that. But I still don’t like the idea of you around her, OK? You have to understand that.”
I nod, understanding exactly what he means.
I’m also really fucking glad he didn’t make me swear to stay away from her, because that is one promise I know I won’t be able to keep.
Tristan
“Are you sure this kid is Ryan’s? He’s a lot cuter than Ry is.”
“They do have the same shit-eating grin.”
“Dude, I think it’s a shit-making grin.”
Logan waves his hand in front of his face and we both take a step back. Yup, this little man definitely just took a dump.
Caden Brooks Blake was born seven weeks ago, and while I usually find babies pretty gross—case in point, the load he just dropped in his diaper—I think this could be the one kid I actually like.
Caden smiles up at me from his basket thing as if to say, Yup, I might stink, but I’m cute so I can get away with it.
“Kelley, I think your kid needs to be changed. And from the smell of it you might need a Hazmat suit,” I quip from across the lawn.
“That’s my boy.” Ryan beams, causing everyone to laugh.
Ryan and Kelley invited a bunch of us to the local park for an afternoon cookout as a sort of casual baby-welcoming slash post-wedding celebration, since they eloped a few weeks ago. I was surprised to hear that Ryan actually locked that shit down, but I have to admit things now seem different between him and Kelley. Not that I’m an expert, but the dude really seems to love the girl.
I apologized to them both about the whole baby shower incident and Kelley insisted the whole thing was a misunderstanding and forced us to make peace.
I look around the park and notice everyone milling about, shooting the shit about this and that. I catch Hazel’s eye from a few feet away. She’s standing by the picnic
tables with a group of four other people I don’t recognize. Hazel appears to be on the outskirts of the conversation, nodding every once in a while, but not really paying attention. She’s wearing a flowy yellow dress that falls about mid-way down her thigh. When the breeze picks up it lifts just enough to torment me. I want to walk right up and slide my hand under there, but I know I can’t.
Hazel took the bus here today, not wanting to arouse suspicion—or piss off Ryan again—by arriving with me, so I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to her. It’s been a few days since we’ve seen each other and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want her, right here, right now.
I look over to see Kelley and Ryan busy with the baby, so I casually make my way over to where Hazel is standing. I, too, make it look like I’m interested in whatever it is these assholes are saying. Before I turn to leave, I lean in to whisper in Hazel’s ear, “Meet me behind the pavilion in five.”
Hazel doesn’t make any public acknowledgement of what I say, but by the way she holds back a smirk and goose bumps form on her arms despite the summer heat, I know she’ll do it.
A few minutes later she comes around the corner of the stone pavilion, which blocks us from the rest of the crowd. She opens her mouth to say something, but I push her up against the stone wall and kiss her hard and fast. She tries to resist, but only for a second before she melts against me, meeting my own animalistic desire. I reach my hand to slide my fingers against her thigh, and fuck if it isn’t just as soft as I imagined it. I slide my finger further and further up her dress, but right before I reach between her legs she stops me.
“Mmm, we can’t.” She whispers into my mouth, still kissing me between her words.
I grind myself harder against her. “Why not?” I run my tongue down her neck while my fingers tease up and down her leg.
“”Cause . . . well . . . mmm . . . there are kids around!” She giggles breathlessly, clearly conflicted.
I groan, but pull back. I would take her up against this wall right now without any fucks given as to who sees, but I also don’t want to scar some poor innocent child for life. I’m not a monster.
I rest my forehead against hers, trying to will my dick to settle down. He, apparently, is a monster. “Fine, not here. Tonight? My place?”
Hazel smiles, nodding in agreement.
“You get back to the party first. I need a minute.” I lean against the cool stone, attempting to prevent the worst case of blue balls imaginable from forming.
Hazel laughs, clearly not understanding the torture, because it’s anything but funny. “I’ll help you with that tonight.”
“You better,” I say on an agonized grunt.
“Well, if you’re good.” She laughs again and kisses me before disappearing around the corner.
Hazel
I head back up to the party, feeling deliciously dizzy from a combination of the sun’s heat and Tristan’s touch.
I slip back into the crowd, praying nobody noticed our absence. A few minutes later Tristan does the same, looking much less affected than he did when I left him.
I blush, thinking about what we almost just did, and try to keep myself from pulling him back behind the pavilion for the rest of the afternoon.
After things wind down and just about everyone has left, Ryan asks, “Do you want us to give you a ride home?”
Tristan pops out of nowhere. “I can do it. That way you can get your little guy home.” I didn’t realize he had stayed, but I’m excited he did.
“It’s fine. We’ll take her.” Ryan’s voice is calm, but by the way he refuses to make eye contact with Tristan I can tell he’s pissed.
“I don’t mind,” Tristan responds easily.
The two guys stare each other down while I watch in disbelief, getting pissed myself.
“Um, hello. Remember me? The girl who is old enough to decide things for herself?” I cross my arms, looking between them.
Without even bothering to look at me Ryan says, “Stay out of this, Hazel. I’m just looking out for you.”
That makes me laugh, even though I don’t find it particularly amusing. “Looking out for me? Seriously? Just because you’re a father now doesn’t mean you’re my father. I’d rather go with Tristan than you, but thanks anyway.”
“I don’t want you going anywhere with him,”
“You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.” Tristan finally steps in, his voice sounding soft and sincere in comparison to our tenser tones.
If Ryan notices, he doesn’t care. “Screw you, Sharp. I want you to stay away from my sister. I told you that in high school, but you seem to have forgotten. Do I have to remind you what happened? What you let happen to her?” Ryan clenches his fists at his sides, looking like he wants to punch Tristan’s lights out.
Tristan looks like he’s about to do the same right back, but doesn’t move. I know exactly what he’s thinking—that he’s honoring my secret and would take any abuse Ryan has to give in order to keep his promise.
It’s suddenly clear to me just how much my brother blames Tristan for my past, and my heart bleeds to realize Tristan has let him all these years. Even though he hated me, Tristan never betrayed me.
And I finally need to make this right.
I step in front of Tristan to face Ryan. “It’s time you knew the truth.”
Tristan steps up right behind me and grabs my shoulder. “Hazel, don’t.”
For a split second I want to listen to him. To feel his warm, safe arms wrap me up and shield me from the truth. It would be easier than admitting my own fucked-up mistakes.
But I steel myself. No, Tristan deserves the truth. I deserve it, too.
“I said get away from her.”
Ryan takes a threatening step closer, but I hold up my hand and yell, “It’s not Tristan’s fault! I know you think it is, and I’ve let you for far too long. That night was my fault, Ryan, all of it. Everything was my fault.” I try to hold them back, but a few tears escape down my cheeks. “I chose to go to that party by myself and I agreed to have sex with Dougie in exchange for getting high.”
I pause, letting the truth sink in.
The horror shows plainly on Ryan’s face, but he needs to hear it all. “Tristan showed up to stop me. That’s why he was there, Ryan. He never did drugs and it wasn’t his fault. He saved me. He was always trying to save me.”
I glance at Tristan, admitting the next part with my eyes locked on his. “He stood by me when nobody else did and he’s the only person in my life who’s never left me.”
Tristan’s eyes dilate, but he makes no other move. I blink away more tears and focus back on my brother. “He loved me, Ryan. He cared for me and he tried to keep me safe and he loved me. And I loved him back. I still do.”
Ryan looks shocked, angry, sad, and disappointed all at once, clearly not knowing what to say. But that’s OK. He doesn’t have to say anything. This was for Tristan. This was for me.
The tears are full on pouring out now, but I don’t move. I stand still, allowing myself to feel every single emotion of this moment. I feel Tristan’s hand slip into mine, anchoring me to be strong as he gently pulls me toward the parking lot, away from the aftershock of the truth bomb I just detonated.
We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Tristan
I get Hazel into the car and start to drive. I drive fast and far and I keep driving us farther and farther away from whatever the fuck just happened.
All I saw and all I heard was the bravery in Hazel’s confession, and it fucking obliterated me. So I don’t know where we’re going, but I know it needs to be far away from here.
We ride in silence for twenty minutes. When Hazel finally speaks, her voice is soft and though she’s sitting upright, her shoulders are hunched. It’s as if it’s literally taking everything she has to stay strong. She looks small, but resilient. No signs of weakness. “Where are we going?” she asks.
“Anywhere that
isn’t here.”
Hazel doesn’t acknowledge my answer, but she doesn’t question it either.
After another forty minutes the sun is setting as I pull up to a quiet, secluded house situated right next to the ocean.
I turn off the engine and get out. I help Hazel do the same. We walk up the narrow path that leads around the back of the house to a private beach.
Hazel looks around, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. “What is this place?”
I come up behind her. “Mr. Turner owns it. He and his wife come up sometimes, but a few years ago they gave me a key. In exchange for helping with a lot of the upkeep, I can come here anytime I want.” I choose not to tell her that this has become my new secret spot—the place I come to get away when life feels like it’s too much. Logan and I actually bought our own beach house a few years ago—a party pad more than anything—but this is the place that feels safe.
“It’s so peaceful. I like it.”
Hazel’s voice is soft and faraway, and I can tell there is a lot weighing on her mind.
There’s a lot of shit I’m confused about, too, but right now I just need to be with her.
I grab her hand, silently leading her to the back door, and insert a key into the lock. When the door clicks open, I nudge it and pull Hazel inside. The door doesn’t even fully close before I have her pressed against it, slamming it shut with the weight of my body on hers. My lips and hands are everywhere at once. I know she’s confused. I know we should talk. But right now I want to forget anything exists outside of us. For this brief moment of bliss the world doesn’t have to make sense. I don’t have to worry about the past or think about the future.
It’s just us.
Tristan Sharp.
And Hazel Blake.
Fucking.
Because that’s the only thing that makes sense between us.
It’s the only thing I know how to do.
Hazel
I’m pressed against the door with Tristan’s body against mine, his hands digging roughly into my skin, his mouth stealing all the air from my lungs.
Sick Pleasure (Crazy Beautiful Book 3) Page 12
