He stared at her until her gaze dropped away. ‘Perhaps you’re right.’ His voice was low, his words hardly audible now. ‘What do I really know about it? It’s all supposition with me…I wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t do that. Like many another man I don’t know what I’d do until I was put to the test, and that’s what you’re trying to tell me, isn’t it?’
She didn’t answer him now, but looked towards the fire. Then he brought her eyes to him again by asking, ‘Are you wondering what I’ve got in the parcel?’ He tapped the brown paper.
‘No, of course not.’
‘No, of course not.’ His voice, though soft, was mocking.
‘Well…well, it’s none of my—’
‘For God’s sake!’ He threw his head to one side, his voice loud and angry now. ‘Don’t use that phrase, it’s none of your business; it’s…it’s such a polite way of shutting yourself off from everything, and shutting out everybody.’
As she rose to her feet he also rose, and he said, contritely, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’
‘You…you talking of me shutting myself off…’ Her lips were trembling slightly but she stared straight at him as she stated flatly, ‘It’s six weeks, almost, since I saw you.’
Slowly he turned from her and, laying the parcel down on the chair, he went to the mantelpiece and dropped into his old stance, foot on the raised hearth, elbow on the rough stone of the shelf, his head supported on his hand, and he said, ‘I know, I know. I couldn’t get myself up the hill; I was so bitter. Still am, for that matter. The others could have believed I’d done him in and I could have taken it, but not from you. You see, I’d explained things to you, talked to you as I’d never done to any one of them, not even Flo…my mother. All they knew of what happened, they heard at the trial. I couldn’t talk about it to them, but I did to you, so it hit me harder when I saw your reaction, when I saw you were terrified of me.’
‘I wasn’t…I wasn’t terrified of you.’
He turned his head slowly away from his hand but didn’t look at her when he said, ‘You forget that I saw your face. You forget that you screamed blue murder.’
‘That…that was partly the pent-up emotion of years of frustration. I…I always felt that one day he would strike me, and when he did, it broke loose something within me; but I was also crying because…yes, because I thought you had killed him and I saw your wasted life, and…and mine too.’ Her voice sank on the last words, and now he turned towards her and one slow step brought him in front of her.
‘And mine too,’ he repeated softly. He put his hand out and gently raised her chin, and his grey eyes took on almost the colour of her own when he said, ‘We’re different, we two, poles apart in one way, yet clamped tight in another. I know this; I’ve always known it. Down there they look upon us as chalk and cheese, and in a way they’re right, but this other thing between us, this could level out the chalk and cheese. I want you…you know that, but what I said a minute ago I meant. If you married me you’d do it with your eyes open, wide open, for I’d never give you a divorce. For my part, I can say I’d never give you the handle, and no matter what you did I wouldn’t let you go free. I mean this. So…so you’ve got to be sure, and it’ll take time. No jumping in then finding the waters starting to freeze, because once you’re in, you’re in for life, Constance.’
Her name sounded strange on his lips, thick and warm. Tears were tightening the muscles of her throat again. She told herself not to cry.
‘You don’t say anything,’ he said. ‘Do even my words frighten you?’
She closed her eyes and bit hard on her lip as he went on, ‘Take your time, all the time you want; I’m used to waiting. Go away on your holiday, and then if you come back, that’ll be my answer.’
‘Vin!’ The name toppled from her mouth and she put out her hands and clutched at his. ‘I…I don’t need to go away, I know the answer; I always have for…for as long as you have.’
He gathered her to him, pressing her close, holding her silently. He did not kiss her, but just held her trembling body close to his. Then, gently, he held her from him and they gazed at each other; Constance into the big bony face, now with an expression on it she had never seen before, for the granite look had gone, the gauntness had gone. He turned from her and, picking up the parcel from the chair, he placed it in her hands, saying, ‘Open it.’
There, on the brown paper, lay the exact replica of the sheep and the lamb. ‘Oh, Vin!’ She stroked the animal from the top of its head to the struggling feet of its young. Then handing it back to him, she said, ‘Place it where it belongs.’
And when he had set it on the mantelpiece he turned to her again. This time he kissed her, and she him, hard and hungry, the both of them. And when it was over he said, ‘I need you as you need me; we badly need each other. I sensed your need even before I faced my own! Well, we’ll need no more…Oh Constance. Constance.’ Again they were holding fast.
Now they were gazing at each other and laughing a little, and on a laugh he said, ‘Will you come down with me? They are all sitting there on pins and needles. They got the children to give me the news at dinner time that you were going away. They’re all upset; Florence because she likes you, for she sees in you someone of her own kind, and Hannah because she loves you. Yes, yes, she does.’ He nodded his head at her. ‘Yes, Hannah really loves you. And Dad. Oh Dad, for many many reasons, because he likes you a lot, because he thinks you’ll be good for me, and not forgetting the business.’ He rubbed his fist gently against her jaw and, his voice almost identical with his father’s, he said, ‘A woman like you is a great catch, a great asset to the family, a woman who can throw a thousand down, just like that, for a house. Oh, she’s very, very rich. Yes, Dad likes you in lots of ways. But he’s well-meaning, always remember that…And the children; they like you for yourself, Constance, as I do, me being one of them…I love you for yourself. I love you. I love you, Constance. Do you believe that?’
She nodded dumbly at him and when she touched his cheekbone with her fingers, he pulled her to him again and held her tightly before saying softly, ‘Come on down and hear me tell them just that…And what do you bet there won’t be a ceilidh in the O’Connors’ kitchen the night?’
The End
The Solace of Sin Page 29
