by Amity Cross
His chest rose and fell with a sigh, taking me along for the ride. “How about more stories?”
“Ash Fuller,” I declared, standing straight again. “Where has all this chattiness come from?”
He shrugged as his lip curling into a lopsided smile. Shit, he was handsome when he did that. Suddenly, taking it slow seemed like a stupid idea, but that was my lady parts talking.
“C’mon.” He took my hand and led me through the house and into the lounge. He wore nothing but his trademark pair of shorts, branded with some athletic company’s logo and me? I wore nothing but a sports bra and short shorts. It seemed kosher in the gym, but elsewhere in the house it felt a little risqué.
Dropping my hand, he flopped down onto the couch and stretched out his long limbs. Staring at his impressive body with all its defined muscle, I couldn’t help old desires reawakening. He really was something to look at. Before he could say anything, I perched beside him, burying my back against his chest. Touching without losing it seemed okay now.
“You’re testing my resolve,” he murmured, his lips against the top of my head.
“Just go with it,” I replied as his arms caged me against his chest. Breathing deeply, I relished his scent, curling my hands around his forearms.
“I can’t believe you gave up pro.”
“Are you still on that?” I asked with a laugh.
“It’s been five minutes since you told me. Gimme a break Spitfire.”
I stiffened against him at the sound of his pet name for me on his lips. It’d probably just slipped out, but it was the first time he’d called me that for a very long time. I couldn’t even remember the last time he said it...
“What?” he asked, his grip tightening.
“That’s the first time you’ve called me that since…”
“I never stopped.”
I began stroking my thumb back and forth across his skin.
“What did Violet tell you?”
“What?” I asked, wondering what he was going to divulge now. There wasn’t much left that was unsaid between us now and I began to panic a little.
“When she came to see you at Beat. I assume she told you all the gory details about what happened to her,” he said, stroking a hand through my hair. “I’m not sure what else could’ve convinced you to come here.”
“She gave me the dot points, but she didn’t have to elaborate very much.” I guessed this was the last thing that was left open between us. Ash’s explanation about why he was kicked from pro, about Hammer and Violet…about the beginning of his downfall.
“You don’t have to explain it to me,” I said. “I understand enough.”
“I need to tell you Ren.”
I sighed, grateful that he couldn’t see my expression. “So then tell me.”
He buried his nose into my hair and breathed deeply. “The moment I saw the video of…” He paused. “That’s something nobody should ever have to see. My little sister, my defenseless little sister…”
I moved against him, tightening my grip around his forearms.
“I took the bait and acted just the way they wanted me to. I just lost all kind of control and beat him within an inch of his life. After that I was basically screwed. If I was thinking clearly…” He sighed, tightening his arms around me.
“If there was a tape, then why didn’t he get convicted?”
“They got to it before we could,” he said. “There was no evidence. It was their word against ours and because of what I did… There was only one person for the law to blame and that was me.”
They destroyed the evidence so Ash had the book thrown at him and was banned from the AUFC and Hammer got off looking like the victim. And Violet…she didn’t get any justice at all for what happened to her.
“Violet?” I asked. “Is that why she—”
“Doesn’t leave the house. She’s afraid of a lot of things these days but she wasn’t always like that. She was fearless Ren and now that’s gone. I’ll always feel guilty for what happened to her.”
“She doesn’t blame you,” I said. “Nobody does.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s something I have to deal with on my own.”
We fell into another uneasy silence, but there was nothing I wanted to ask. The Underground had been a place of…redemption almost for him. An outlet for his anger in lieu of the AUFC.
I sat up, needing to distance myself for a moment and he pushed himself upright, watching my expression.
“Did you ever stop to think that fighting at The Underground might’ve been feeding your anger, rather than helping?” I asked him and he frowned.
“What about you?” he asked, turning my question back on me.
“I struggled with a lot of things after you left,” I said. “I still am in a way.”
We sat facing each other, staring and absorbing everything.
“What was it like…?” I asked. “Jail…?”
Ash hissed, turning away from me. “I don’t want to talk about that,” he said bluntly. “Don’t make me, Ren.”
I shrunk back into myself. “I’m sorry...”
“Shit,” he said, reaching out for me and I fell against his chest. “I didn’t mean...fuck. It wasn’t pretty being in there. It’s scary and violent... It’s not a cushy ride with all expenses paid. I never want to subject you to that, even secondhand.”
“I’m sorry...”
“Don’t be. It was totally fucked up, I had to do some shit things to get by, but it’s done, it’s over and I’m never going back.”
I curled my arms around him, clinging to him like he’d disappear if I let go. He’d risked going back to jail, back to the place he’d just admitted scared the formidable Golden Boy, for me.
He’d once told me that he wasn’t afraid of anything, but suddenly he was human like the rest of us. It didn’t change my opinion or my feelings toward him; it just began to set them in stone.
“Why didn’t you tell me about all of this?” I asked, gesturing around me. “Why didn’t you tell me about Violet?”
“It never came up,” he said, casting his gaze downward.
“It never came up?” I scoffed.
“No, it didn’t. And even if it did, then you would’ve asked questions.”
“Questions? Of course I would’ve asked questions Ash.”
“And I wouldn’t have been able to answer those either. All I ever did was keep secrets from you…”
“Yeah, but we’re talking through them now.”
He let his head drop into his hands. “At what cost Ren? He almost—”
I curled my fingers around his wrists and pulled with all my strength. “Look at me,” I said. “Look at me Ash.”
His gaze fixed on mine and I saw the hurt and shame he still carried with him despite all that we’d been through.
Cupping his face, I said, “You saved me. I’m pissed at you for what you did next, but you saved me.”
“I couldn’t save Violet,” he whispered.
“You can’t control everything. You can’t keep blaming yourself for what he did to her. Violet never blamed you Ash, so stop blaming yourself for someone else’s actions.”
His hand ran up the length of my forearm and covered mine against his face. “You make it sound so easy. You and Violet keep telling me, but it’s not like flipping a switch.”
“I know,” I said. “I know better than anyone.”
“If this is love...then why does it hurt?” Ash asked, leaning his forehead against mine.
“No pain, no gain, Maverick.”
A smile began tugging at his lips and he sighed.
“What?”
“That’s the first time you’ve called me Maverick since…”
I lifted my other hand and traced his lips with a fingertip. “I guess this ‘getting to know you’ thing is working.”
“Thank fuck.”
19
Ash
After our long ass conversation in the lounge, Ren and I
decided to go back to the gym and go a few more rounds.
Emotional exhaustion didn’t sit well with me and I needed the physical burn to balance it out.
I’d learned a lot about myself the past few weeks, but I’d learned a lot more about Ren. All the little things she thought were so important really were just that. No matter how mundane, they were all things that made her up as a person and I found myself wanting to know them all. If it was attached to Ren Miller, I wanted to know it.
I knew I loved her, or it was something I thought was supposed to be love. I’d never felt it before so I wasn’t sure if it was real. If I was going to say those words to her, I better fucking mean it.
I watched as she attacked a speedball with perfect timing, mesmerized by the motion of her upper body. Naturally, my gaze settled on her tits and I instantly thought about sucking on them.
“Eyes on the prize, huh?” she declared, not even breaking rhythm.
A grin tugged at my lips. “You don’t miss much.”
“Nope.”
I watched her as she moved and wondered what she wanted to do next. I wouldn’t be stuck in here forever, even though it felt like it some days, and she wouldn’t have to come back to be with me all the time. The thought of having to share her with the world again kind of alarmed me, but whatever she wanted, I’d give it to her.
“You’ve got that look on your face again,” she declared, swapping to favor her left hand. “Out with it Maverick.”
I grinned like a stupid fool when she called me that. I remembered the day she’d pulled me back from the edge of that rager at Beat; the moment she said I’d gone Hulk on her. She’d sat on the mat with me like some kind of motherfucking beast whisperer and called me Maverick. I had no idea what she meant until later, but she could’ve called me a dickhead and I would’ve reacted the same way. Totally under her spell.
“What do you want to do?” I asked. “If you’re not going to go pro, then what…” I shrugged.
“I dunno,” she replied. “What about you?”
I grimaced. “Ditto.”
“You don’t have to hit the big time to be happy,” she said, stopping her onslaught on the speedball. “You don’t need money and fame to be content in life.”
Fuck. She amazed me every day.
“What?” she asked, giving me a look. I must be staring like a slack-jawed hick.
I reached out for her and she leaned against my chest. Breathing in, she smelt like sweat and flowers. She smelt like my Spitfire.
“What do you need, then?” I asked, wrapping my arms around her.
She shrugged. “People, I guess. Simplicity. Being at the top isn’t always as great as it’s made out to be.”
I could relate to that.
“One day at a time,” she breathed.
Fuck me. Ren Miller was my match in every way and she was becoming mine again. I was never letting her go again. Hell and back had a nice ring to it, because that’s how far I’d go to give her everything she ever wanted.
And me? I was always hers, so she never even had to try.
I stood in the doorway watching Ren disappear down the driveway. What I wouldn’t give to run after her and beg her to stay, but I knew space was one of the things that was keeping us together.
“She’s good for you.”
I glanced behind me as Violet shuffled out into the foyer.
“You think?”
She smiled. “Duh. You haven’t been an asshole to me once since she came back.”
“Is that how you measure success?”
She tapped her forehead. “I have an inbuilt asshole-meter.”
I turned back just as Ren slid through the gate, her hand rising in a small wave. I waved back, already feeling empty without her here.
Closing the door, I turned to my little sister who was grinning at me like a fool. I was feeling the exact same way inside, but fucked if I was letting that shit crack my tough exterior.
“I like her,” Violet said as I stepped around her.
“I know. I see you two talking when you think I’m not looking.”
She laughed, punching me in the arm. “Why didn’t you tell her about me?”
“It never came up,” I replied, telling her the exact same thing I told Ren.
“It never came up?”
“We were too wrapped up in one another, I guess.”
“That’s what she said.”
I raised my eyebrow at her and she shrugged. “Girls talk, Ash. It was bound to come up.”
“I’m a little worried about that. You could be plotting world domination for all I know.”
“I’ve decided to go back to the therapist,” she said out of nowhere.
Violet had stopped talking to people a long time go and since I was locked away, I couldn’t really do anything about it. Our parents had cut ties with us and I was powerless behind a set of iron bars. As a result Violet had become a recluse, a total homebody, scared of the outside world. She saw a threat in everything but since I’d been let out, she’d been getting better. She still needed to talk to a pro, I wasn’t going to do shit for her but be company. I didn’t even have answers for myself, let alone for her. I was happy she and Ren were talking.
“That’s great,” I said.
“And what he didn’t say was, thank god.” She rolled her eyes.
“Violet.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve gotta practice what I preach.”
I stepped into her, pulling her against my chest. How the universe put us two together in the same family, I’ll never know. “You took a risk going to see Ren,” I murmured. “You’ve come a hell of a long way.”
“Thanks.”
“I would’ve liked to have seen you face off with Ren.”
“She wasn’t very happy with you.”
“I bet,” I murmured, letting Violet go.
She shuffled nervously, obviously wanting to talk about something. Typical Fuller trait. “Coach Miller was there, Dean and Lincoln…there was some blonde woman.”
“Josie.”
“Who is she?”
“Ren’s best friend.”
“Really?” She didn’t sound convinced.
“They don’t look it, huh?”
“No.”
“Is Lincoln still as hunky as you remember?” I joked.
Violet shoved me, hardly moving me at all. “Asshole.”
“I knew it,” I declared. “You had a crush on him back then, didn’t you?”
Violet huffed as she spun on her heel and exited stage left, but I followed her into the lounge where she sank down onto the couch.
“When they let me out, we’ll do more stuff together,” I said. “We’ll get you outside…”
“One step at a time. Let me call the therapist first.”
I sat in one of the armchairs. “Whatever you need. Just let me know and I’ll take care of it.”
“What about you?” Violet asked, kicking her feet up onto the couch. “What are you going to do next?”
I hadn’t really thought about that, not until this afternoon with Ren. I wanted to make things right first and to figure out the messy feelings I had for her. That was the only thing I could see in my immediate future. There was probably a stack of other shit I was meant to be focusing on, but I couldn’t. Not yet.
When I didn’t answer, she asked, “Are you going to fight again?”
“Fight?” I echoed. “There’s no place else left that’ll take me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Pro is out. That was scratched off the list years ago.”
“What about coaching?”
I blinked hard, staring at Violet. Coaching? Could I be the next Coach Miller, helping fuck ups back onto the straight and narrow? I snorted. Unlikely.
“You’ll figure it out. Ren will help.”
“How are you my sister?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
Violet threw a cushion at me. “I ask myself the same thing, ape.”
20
Ren
It seemed we’d gotten past the worst of it.
Ash was getting better, he seemed happier, and me? I felt a lot more at ease about all the things that had happened since he’d come into my life.
The days seemed to fly by and like clockwork I turned up at Ash’s and we trained, talked and did everything but the one thing my body seemed to want to do. We were both physical creatures and when we were together it had always been explosive, in bed and out. Nothing had changed in that regard.
After all the talking and kissing, it was only a matter of time, but Ash was still holding back.
We’d been training all day and I was currently standing in Ash’s bedroom while he showered, staring out the window at the garden below.
The yard was picture perfect with little box hedges and rows of bulb flowers like daffodils and bluebells that thrived in the springtime. Easy care for someone stuck in a house. The high walls gave the place a sense of privacy and paired with all the greenery, you’d be forgiven if you didn’t realize you were smack bang in the middle of Melbourne’s inner suburbs.
The house had been a good choice considering the position he and Violet were in. Privacy was exactly what they needed.
I felt Ash behind me before I heard him.
“It’s a nice yard,” I said, not looking away from the sun-soaked garden.
He grunted, sliding his hands over my waist. I couldn’t not touch him; he was like a bloody magnet, so I leaned back against his chest, careful to make sure that only my shoulder blades sat against the skin of his naked torso. If I hadn’t seen the contents of his closet, I’d totally wonder if he actually owned a shirt since he went topless so much. I seriously doubted that his tattoo worked like under floor heating.
His thumbs began to circle along my waist, tracing the bare skin between my sports bra and my shorts.
“Ren?” he asked and I glanced up at him.
“Hmmm?”
“I love you.”
I froze; my body rigid against his.
“I love you,” he said again. “I have since that first night I found you training at Beat in the middle of the night. I just wish it hadn’t taken all this crap for me to realize it.”
