by Tricia Goyer
Noah’s eyes narrowed, and he wanted nothing more than to defend his actions. He had been doing everything for them. But from the look in his eyes it would do no good. Mose’s opinion was set, just as his was set.
“Listen.” Gerald’s voice was low. “We’re telling you the truth, Noah. Things were fine when we were in the office. We came home for lunch, and that’s when we saw the smoke. Mose is telling you the truth.”
He studied Gerald’s face, wishing that was the truth. Noah let out a sigh. “I suppose we’ll find out in the morning, won’t we?”
Noah stepped back and shut the door. The last of his energy drained from him. He headed to the shower and knew that he’d failed them. More than that, now he’d failed Lovina. He’d tried to do everything right, but now all was lost. Another shop was destroyed, and he had no money to fix it. History was repeating itself, only this time there was more than his reputation at stake—there also was his heart.
Everything was gone now—his good name, the pie shop, his work with the boys, and now Lovina. He’d worked so hard, and this was how he was rewarded? And just think, he’d been the one to talk to Mose about a loving, grace-filled God. God felt far, far away.
Noah took a quick shower and then slumped into bed. He wanted to pray but no words came. Ever since working on this project he’d been eager to start the new day. But now…now he wished the night would last. He didn’t want to wake up. He didn’t want to know how the teens had caused the fire. And he didn’t want to see the disappointment on Lovina’s face.
Where was God in all this? None of it made sense.
A loud knock on the front door woke Noah, and he struggled for consciousness. The first thing he realized was that the whole room smelled of smoke because of the filthy clothes he’d been wearing yesterday. The second—that the sunlight streamed through the windows.
Noah looked at the clock. It was already eight o’clock. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept that long. He hurriedly put on clean clothes and rushed to the front door.
He opened it to see the fire marshal there, and his heart sank.
“We determined the cause of the fire,” the man said. “I’d like to take you to see what I found. And I need to talk to those teens from your work crew too.”
“Of course.” Noah turned to go get them, and the three emerged from the kitchen. Dark circles rimmed their eyes, and he wondered if any of them had slept. At first Noah felt pity for them, but the anger quickly returned.
All four walked silently as they made their way around the back side of the building. John Miller stood there watching Noah approach, and Noah’s heart sank even lower. The man’s life work had been invested in this pie shop. John had trusted him…and now it came to this. Tears filled Noah’s eyes to see the burned wall, the burned-out office, and the charred mess.
Noah paused before it, and then turned to John. “I’m so sorry. I—”
John held up his hand, cutting off Noah’s words. “Don’t say a word, son. Wait until you see what we found inside.”
The fire marshal cleared his throat. “I got here early, and in my gut I knew what I’d find,” the man said. “I’ve seen more fires like this than I care to tell you about.” The man looked from Noah to the teens, and then he pointed to the window air-conditioning unit. It lay on the ground, completely burned.
“In these parts people use those window units a lot, but they have no idea of the fire danger. In this county alone I’ve seen three fires caused by these units in the last six months. When the air handler leaks it short-circuits the electrical equipment underneath, causing sparks. Usually a fire ignites before anyone even sees the leak.”
Noah opened his mouth in disbelief. “So…it was the air-conditioning unit?”
John Miller placed his hand on Noah’s shoulder. “There was nothing different you could have done, son. These things just happen.”
Noah turned to the teens. Relief was clear on Atlee and Gerald’s faces, but before he could say a word Mose turned and sauntered away. Was Mose relieved too? No doubt he was. But the anger was evident. Noah had accused them. He’d pointed a finger. Noah remembered what it was like, and he lowered his head. The fire had destroyed more than the shop. It had destroyed any relationship he’d managed to build with Mose…and that came not from the flames, but from his own words.
Thirty-Two
A friend is like a rainbow, always there for you after a storm.
AMISH PROVERB
Lovina didn’t know how long she’d been sleeping, but the sun was bright in the windows when she awoke. She sat up and opened her eyes. They felt puffy and scratchy, as if they’d been rubbed with sand. How late was it now? She didn’t have a clock in her bedroom, but from the brightness of the sun streaming through the windows it must have been after eight. The only time she slept in was when she was sick. This time she was heartbroken.
Her dream was gone. Worse than that, so were her father’s life-savings. He’d worked his whole life to save up that money. The farm in Ohio had been his inheritance.
Outside the window, a gaggle of teen girls walked by with bags that held their lawn chairs, towels, and lunch. Why had she been so focused on this dream? Why couldn’t she just have been happy spending time at the beach with friends?
Lovina pressed her head against her pillow and squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she didn’t have to wake up. She thought back to the first moments when she’d focused on her dream. It seemed to have always been there. Making pies had given her value. Provided her worth.
As she lay there, a memory fluttered in her mind—one she hadn’t thought about in a while. She’d been just a girl and one of her aunts had been visiting. It had been a cooler winter day, and instead of being outside her sisters had been in the living room.
Joy had been sewing, of course, and the other three had been taking turns playing checkers. Aunt Irma had lived far away in New York, but Lovina had been so excited to meet her.
Lovina could still hear her aunt’s voice in her mind. “Look at those blonde curls and light blue eyes. I thought since John has such dark coloring that all your children would be darker too. You’ll have no trouble finding gut husbands for them.”
“I’ve always loved Lovina’s dark hair,” Mem had said, pulling her back into the conversation.
Even though Lovina hadn’t turned her head she’d felt her aunt’s gaze on her. “Ja, well.” Her aunt’s voice had been low. “Lovina is rather plain, but she does make lovely pies. At least she has that going for her.”
Lovina snuggled deeper into her covers. The tears came quick and unexpected. Lovina tried to wipe them away with the backs of her knuckles, but it did no good.
Remembering that moment, so much about Lovina’s life now made sense. She’d believed Aunt Irma. She’d thought herself to be the homely one of the sisters. Honestly, deep down, Lovina had never thought she’d ever get married.
A dozen smaller moments fought for attention in her mind. The moment she was sewing dishtowels and messed up and didn’t fix the mistake, because she really couldn’t picture herself getting married and needing the towels. The times she’d been approached by a young man at a singing who tried to strike up a conversation, but she made an excuse to leave, because deep down she thought it would be easier to walk away from a conversation than be left behind later.
She thought again about the phrase that her grandmother had shared. “It is always a good thing to trust an unknown future to a God who holds each person in His palm.” Yet the truth was that even from her younger days she’d thought she’d known what her future would be. Lovina hadn’t needed to trust an unknown future to God because she had believed she’d known it. The worst thing an Amish woman could be was prideful, yet hadn’t she been full of pride by deciding she’d already figured out what lie ahead?
She’d thought that because she was not as lovely as her sisters she would never get married. But had that been God’s plan? Had her poor self-image, planted by the h
urtful words of an aunt she barely knew, set her on a path to closing her heart to love?
A sob erupted from her throat as she thought about more recent struggles, like the four days last year where she tried fourteen different recipes for key lime pie, trying to find the best one. After all, who’d ever be able to open a pie shop if they hadn’t figured out the best key lime?
And somehow that coincided with the large volleyball tournament, attend by dozens of Amish bachelors who’d come on Pioneer Trails at the end of last season. Every time one of her sisters came home, urging her to join them because they’d found the perfect date for her, she’d pull out another pie recipe. Making pie was easier than meeting someone new. The benefit was almost every neighbor on their street had enjoyed key lime pie after their dinner, but she’d been the one who’d missed out on new friendships.
And then she’d found the truth. In pursuit of her dream she’d fallen in love with someone who was more wonderful than she’d ever known a man could be. She’d been so excited that Noah was helping her follow her dream, she’d let down her guard.
Conversation by conversation, and dream shared by dream shared, she’d opened up the door to her heart a little more. She’d been so busy opening her pie shop that she hadn’t worried about not ever being chosen to be someone’s wife. And as she let her guard down, Noah stepped in. He loved her. Or at least he had. Did he still? She thought of her display yesterday and the terrible words she’d said. She’d been awful to him, blaming his negligence for the fire. How could he ever love her after that?
What good would love do for her now?
Lovina sucked in a breath, and the air that filled her lungs seemed to be made of lead. The burden of trying to shield her heart and pursue her dream had been so heavy. She was tired of attempting to figure it out. She was tired of trying to hold back the longing and the dreaming of one day being a wife and having children.
Lovina climbed out of bed and sank to her knees. The wood of the floor was cool through the fabric of her skirt and her body slumped forward. She wanted to pray but didn’t know how to start. She didn’t know how to express the sadness she’d brought upon herself by believing she’d figured out her bleak future herself.
“Lord, help.” They were the only words that escaped.
She dropped her head, and her silent cries shook her shoulders. She was tired of carrying this burden. She’d been up most of the night trying to figure out how to pay Dat back. She didn’t want to think about the pie shop or the fire. And for that moment she didn’t want to think about Noah either. Her thoughts centered on God alone. For so many years she’d learned about Him. Her grandmother had been an example of reading God’s Word, and she’d tried to understand all she could, but this whole time Lovina had never thought to ask God what He thought of her.
Lovina sank down lower, almost being afraid to be seen in His gaze. That was silly. She knew God reigned over all and saw everything. He’d been there the whole time, reaching out His hands and wanting her to pursue Him. God had been waiting…for her.
Instead of turning to Him, she had run from her fears of being alone her whole life. Instead, she had pursued her dream. Because how could one ever truly be alone if they were busy from sunup to sundown running a pie shop? When would one ever have to worry about being alone with one’s thoughts if they were surrounded by customers—both Amish and Englisch?
And the thing that broke her heart the most was that by trying to figure it out herself, Lovina had taken God off the throne of her heart and had put the pie shop there. She swallowed that truth and blinked twice, attempting to hold back the tears, but they refused to be tucked inside.
She leaned back, removing her hands from the floor. She sat straighter and turned them over, lifting them up with open palms. This, she told the Lord. This is all I have. Myself. I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’m tired of pursuing a dream. I long to pursue You, God. Show me how to do that better. I know You’ve seen me. You’ve seen me from before the creation of the world, and I am beauti…
Even the words playing through her thoughts had a hard time saying it. Her heart had a hard time believing it.
I am beautiful in Your sight. She forced the words through her mind. Wherever I go, You will be with me. And even if I lose everything in this world, Your love will not waver. Your love that stems not from what I do, but who I am: Your daughter.
Why had it taken her so long to get to this place of surrender? Why had she been holding on to her dreams so hard? It had taken losing everything—her family’s inheritance, her dream, and most likely Noah—for her to realize that she’d always had all that she needed in God. She had His favor. And no matter what happened in her life, as His child, she always would.
Knowing Noah, loving Noah, had opened up parts of her heart that she’d tucked away. And in a way she didn’t understand, seeing the love in his eyes had helped her to understand God’s love. Maybe the fact of knowing Noah found her beautiful helped her know that God did too.
A familiar old German hymn that they often sang in church flowed through her mind. She was used to repeating the German words. Or even more so, the German syllables. Because each word was strung out in the slow way they sang, she hadn’t thought much about what the words meant to her personally. But now she just focused on this moment, trying to let the familiar words speak to her.
Where shall I go? I am so ignorant. Only to God can I go, because God alone will be my helper. I trust in You, God, in all my distress. You will not forsake me. You will stand with me, even in death. I have committed myself to Your Word. That is why I have lost favor in all places. But by losing the world’s favor, I gained Yours. Therefore I say to the world: Away with you! I will follow Christ.
“Away with you,” Lovina whispered to her ideas of what true beauty looked like.
“Away with you,” she whispered to her dream of a pie shop.
“Away with you,” she whispered to the idea that she had to figure her life out herself.
“Away with you,” she said to the idea that she’d live her whole life alone. She’d been cruel to Noah. She’d said hurtful things, things that had cut him to the core. She questioned if he could still love her after that, but she wasn’t going to give up hope.
Lovina closed her eyes and let her mind go places it had never gone before. She pictured a simple house that she shared with her husband. She pictured a pie baking in the oven. She pictured the laughter of children in the other room and a baby resting on her left hip as she stirred ingredients with a spoon in her right. She pictured a bedroom with a man’s boots at the foot of the bed and a man’s shirts hanging neatly beside her colorful dresses on hangers. She smiled as she pictured her wedding. Standing in front of friends and family, with her hand in Noah’s.
Her leg began to fall asleep, and that was when she remembered why she was on the floor. She’d been prostrate before God, submitting her life to Him, and here she was letting her mind wander again. Would she ever get it right?
She felt shameful thoughts try to push into her mind, and that was when the peace came as a flood. She’d lifted up her hands, palms open to God, and told Him she was giving Him everything. Would it be too much for Him to give something back? A gut man like Noah?
Maybe God had given Lovina the dream of a pie shop in order to bring into her life the gift of a husband.
She’d lost the pie shop. She’d lost her father’s money. But maybe she hadn’t lost Noah’s love. She’d said mean words, hurtful ones, and she’d seen pain as she’d walked away. She’d seen something else last night too. Compassion. And love in Noah’s gaze.
Lovina washed up and dressed as quickly as she could. It was only as she exited the bathroom that she realized the house was quiet. She tried to remember if she’d heard any noise after she woke up, and she realized she hadn’t. Had everyone in her family been gone all morning? If so, where had they gone?
She moved to the kitchen and cut herself a slice of wheat bread, wrappi
ng it up in a napkin to eat on the way. Then she hurried to the back porch and slipped on her flip-flops. Her only guess was that they’d gone to meet the first Pioneer Trails bus. The first of the season was always exciting. The first thing those exiting the bus would see was the burned shell of her dream…but Lovina held her head high. She knew God was holding her close.
Thirty-Three
Every spiritual investment will bear eternal interest.
AMISH PROVERB
Lovina turned down the street toward the pie shop and hesitated. She wondered if more than one bus had come, for there was a huge crowd gathering in the front of the Tourist Church. She picked up her pace and hurried down the street. She knew exactly what they’d be seeing across the street. Her heart ached remembering the damage from the fire and water.
But as Lovina neared, her steps slowed. The crowd wasn’t circled around the parking lot of the Tourist Church. Instead they were gathered around Me, Myself, and Pie. Her friends and neighbors would most likely be curious about the fire, but frustration pumped through her too. Had they all come to gawk? To give evidence that she’d been a fool for allowing Mose, Atlee, and Gerald to work on the building? For trusting Noah to watch them?
Lovina moved to the side of the road, clinging to a white, wooden fence, remembering how nice the picket fence in the pie shop had looked. Remembering how everything had been so…perfect.
God, why did You let this happen? Why did You call me to failure? Why…why did we have to lose everything?
A wind picked up, rustling her dress and brushing it on her legs. The aroma of gardenias was carried on the breeze, just like on that first day when she’d seen the warehouse. The first day that she saw Noah. She was mad at him, yes, but she still loved him…which only made things worse. She remembered walking into the warehouse for the first time. It had been dark, full of junk, and dirty. How had she ever seen the potential? It was as if God had given her the eyes to see.
