by K. Ryan
Trust in my discretion. Trust in my abilities. Trust that, with time, I could be the old lady he needed by his side as we moved up the ranks within the clubhouse together. Now, seeing this boy staring back at me, right on the cusp of being the man I knew he could be, I knew I'd finally figured out where my place was in the clubhouse and it was right beside Caleb Sawyer.
If an old lady's job was to support and love her man, I knew I was unequivocally capable of making that happen. I was already living it. Now, like Caleb suggested, I had to own it, too.
I just had to figure out how to start doing that.
By the time ZZ wiped the excess black ink away, I saw my sketch staring back at me from Caleb's reddened skin.
"There," Caleb murmured, holding up the ink for me to see before ZZ pressed a bandage over it. "Now it's like I'm carrying you with me, right, babe?"
Maybe that was all the confirmation I needed.
I could fit in this life. It wouldn't be easy. I would encounter things that would make me uncomfortable. I wouldn't always understand what Caleb had to do and why. But this was the world he lived in and so it had to be the world I lived in, too.
He supported my passion and encouraged me to follow a dream I wouldn't have realized even existed without him being in my life. So, I had no problem diving in headfirst, even if it scared the hell out of me, if it meant I'd be able to give back what he'd already given me.
We were a team now, navigating these murky waters together, and as long as we stayed united, as long as we walked side by side, we'd be able to weather any storm.
. . .
Judging by the heat stifling the air, the sweaty bodies grinding into each other, and Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" pounding through the loudspeakers, the atmosphere inside the clubhouse had quickly deteriorated the second we'd stepped outside before.
It was all I could do to cling to Caleb's arm for dear life as he weaved in and out through the packed crowd so I didn't get tossed and pitched into the moshpit gathering at the center of the main floor. Sensory overload didn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't know exactly which direction we were headed or where we could even really stop just to take a breath it was so congested with hairy, bearded bikers and sweat-slicked half-naked women. Caleb suddenly stopped in his tracks, sending me crashing right into his leathered back, and he immediately swung an arm around my waist to steady me.
Casey, the club's sergeant at arms and from what I could tell, the resident wild card, already had Caleb by the shoulders and his beer bottle almost swiped me right across the face.
"My man!" Casey hollered in Caleb's ear. "I was wonderin' where you ran off to! Saw all the commotion before with that Cobra prick—you shoulda clocked that asshole right in the face!"
As if on cue, Casey's gaze, in all its hazy, glazed-over glory, settled on me from over Caleb's shoulder and then I was suddenly the center of his attention.
"And you..." Casey reached around Caleb to put a scratchy hand on my cheek and he squeezed it a little too hard for my liking. "You beautiful, beautiful woman, you. Is my boy here givin' it to you right? He better not be just keepin' a hot little thing like you on her back all night 'cuz he's gotta change it up to keep ya happy. Come here you..."
Before I really knew what was happening, Casey pressed a sloppy, wet kiss on my other cheek and gave me a little shake only to be gently pushed aside by Caleb.
"Alright, Case, alright," Caleb shook his head with a laugh, still keeping Casey away from me at arm's length. "Give her some space."
"I'm sorry," Casey bowed a little to Caleb and then did the same to me, "I'm sorry. I'm drunk. But," he clapped a hand on each of our cheeks as he spoke, "you two are beautiful together. And you know what? You're gonna make beautiful babies together too."
Caleb just shook his head because Casey's hands, beer and all, were already shooting up to the ceiling and he hollered towards the bar along with the rest of the crowd. I guess I shouldn't have been all that surprised, but I still wasn't prepared to turn my head and see my best friend spread out on top of the bar, clad in just a lacy black bra and her jean skirt, as Eli hovered on top of her, casually licking liquor off her stomach. By the time he dipped his head to take the lime from Becca's mouth, I'd already shifted back to Caleb with my eyebrows lodged high into my forehead.
He opened his mouth, but Casey cut him off.
"Get on up there!" Casey was pushing us way too enthusiastically towards the bar. "Your turn! Your turn!"
Caleb was already shaking his head and holding his hands up in surrender. "Nah, Case. I don't think—"
The words flew out of my mouth before I had time to understand what I was agreeing to: "Let's do it."
The shock that flickered across Caleb's face, almost simultaneous with the pure, unadulterated joy that spread across Casey's...absolutely priceless and totally worth what I think I was about to do.
Caleb's lips spread apart like he wanted to speak, but was just too baffled and awestruck to know how to even form the words.
Well, if I was going to live in this world, I might as well go all in. No point in doing this half-assed. No point in anyone thinking I was the lone prude in the clubhouse, especially since that wasn't who I was. I was confident in my sexuality and as far as I could tell, part of being an old lady was putting that sexuality on display every once in a while if necessary.
Time to sink or swim and damn it, I was gonna swim. If this was my initiation, I was gonna own it.
I grabbed Caleb by the arm and led him towards the bar with Casey hot on our heels.
"You sure, babe?" Caleb's warm breath found my ear.
"Just make sure no one can see up my skirt, okay?"
He leaned down as we sidled up to the bar, "That's happenin' over my dead body, Iz."
"Good," I laughed and turned on my heel so my back pressed up against the bar.
Caleb shot me a quick wink, amid the roar of the crowd and Becca's hollering right next to me, and his warm hands closed around my hips to hoist me up onto the bar. His hands locked firmly on my knees, careful to keep them closed tight as I slid my legs onto the sticky wood to settle back. Caleb leapt up on the bar right next to my feet just as the beats of "Hard to Handle" by The Black Crowes thumped from the speakers. He stalked towards my body with hooded eyes and a sexy grin twisting his lips, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing, but was planning on loving every second of it.
He hovered over me until he kneeled down between my legs as I tucked the bottom of my tank top into the space by my cleavage. Casey appeared next to us from the floor with a salt shaker in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other and someone handed me a slice of lime from behind my head. Caleb's hands planted on either side of my stomach and his head dipped low to lick a long, hot trail from my belly right up to the edge of my bra.
I sucked in a breath and suddenly, all I could focus on was his blonde head ducked low and his body hovering in between my legs. My eyes fluttered shut at the heady contact and then I felt something sprinkling over the trail his mouth just made. The warm, wetness from his tongue slid up my bare stomach again, licking up the salt, and when I opened my eyes to find Caleb watching me, I forgot about the crowd all together. It might as well have just been us, in my bed, in his dorm, on the floor, up against a counter. It didn't matter. I could do this with him anywhere and I could own it, too.
Caleb sat up to let Casey pour tequila into my belly button and then he got a little liberal with the pour, spreading it around my stomach and curving it around my neck. I readied the lime in between my lips, eager to feel his mouth on my bare skin again and he didn't hesitate, greedily sucking up the tequila and spreading hot, little tremors down my entire body. He leaned forward to get better access to my neck and then my hands were in his hair before I could stop myself.
We might've been putting on a little show, but it really wasn't for anyone but us.
His lips closed over the lime, gently squeezing it with his teeth un
til the citrus liquid dripped down my chin and then he tossed it aside with his teeth so he could seal his lips over my mouth, kissing me senseless until I forgot I was even lying across a bar with a crowd of people cheering us on in the first place. As he started to pull away, I took his bottom lip between my teeth and sucked a little just because I couldn't help myself.
Caleb sat back on his knees, grinning down at me like he'd just won the lottery and I was the prize. When he jumped back down to the floor, his hands were already ghosting over my knees to clamp them together as he turned me and helped me slide off the top. His hands closed around both sides of my face, ignoring the cat calls and whistles behind us, and captured my mouth one more time, plunging his tongue through my lips until I felt drunk on tequila and him.
Initiation complete.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Breath of Life
Six Weeks Later
Isabelle
When I shoved the last of my boxes in the back of Caleb's truck, cold panic gripped my heart and it stuttered and skipped as I watched Caleb pull the tonneau cover down and shut the door of the cab.
It was actually starting to feel real. I was really leaving Claremont tomorrow morning and moving to my dorm at VCU.
Seeing all my personal belongings packed up and in the back of the cab like this was the final nail in the coffin of my life as I knew it.
My brain tried to talk me off the ledge and somehow convince myself that this was really the right choice. I knew I was talented enough to do well at VCU and in the D.C. art scene in general. A whole other life waited for me in Richmond and I knew I should be excited by all the prospects and new possibilities.
Caleb and I had already come so far and in these last two months we'd spent together, I'd never felt happier, never felt this safe, this whole, this me. The idea of upending that, of potentially chipping away at our connection with distance and time...the thought alone sent my heart flip-flopping into my stomach.
I jumped a little when Caleb's wind-chilled hands ghosted over my shoulders and pulled me into his flannel-covered arms. Everything about him surrounded me now: the soft comfort of his shirt, worn in from use, leather, gasoline, musk, grease. I wanted to bottle it up and tuck it into my purse.
Tears stung my eyes because after tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to feel this everyday like I could now. I wouldn't be able to wake up in his arms everyday, I wouldn't be able to kiss him everyday, to laugh with him, to talk to him face to face and I didn't know if I could really do this, if I could really leave and still somehow be okay.
"You wanna go back inside now, Iz?" Caleb whispered in my ear. "Head to bed? We got a big day tomorrow and everything..."
He trailed off like he couldn't bring himself to finish that thought and I knew he was struggling with this just as much as I was. While he was trying to be strong and present a resilient front that everything was going to be fine, we both knew neither of us were fine right now.
I wasn't Ariel and would never ask him to follow me to VCU. Granted the circumstances weren't the same, but there was no point in talking about what ifs because our only other option was to cut our losses and go our separate ways.
So here we were, on the eve of my inevitable departure away from Claremont. We weren't over, but we were also never going to be the same. This distance was going to change our relationship and we hadn't talked about that either. It probably had something to do with the fact that we were so good right now—what was the point in destroying what little time we had left to really enjoy it?
We loved each other and as Caleb had already told me countless times, that had to be enough. That had to be enough to see us through the next two years of five-hour road trips on the weekends and spending the majority of our time apart.
Suddenly, with all of this heaviness looming around us, I needed to do something for him. The last few weeks, all he'd done was reassure me and give me the confidence and resolve I needed to go through with packing up and moving. I wanted to give him the same reassurance, even if he was probably going to need a little convincing first.
"Hey, baby?" I started softly. "Can you do something for me?"
"Anything, Iz."
"Can you take me to the your dorm tonight?"
His arms stiffened around me and while this was obviously headed for an uphill battle, I was determined to do this for him whether he liked it or not.
"Babe, I don't know," he grimaced. "I mean, we're already here at your place and you know how I feel about takin' you there."
I shifted my hips a little bit closer to his waist, hoping it would help him read my message a little more clearly. "I know, Caleb, but I want to spend my last night in town there. With you. In your bed. Can we do that? Please?"
He sighed and rested his chin on the top of my head. "I haven't really been there in weeks. It's dirty. I've got shit everywhere. It probably smells. I don't know."
"I don't care about any of that. I just wanna be with you tonight in your bed," I jutted out my bottom lip to pout a little just for good measure.
He sighed again and lifted his eyes to the darkened sky above us. "I guess I can't really say no to you, Iz. If that's what you want, then I guess that's what you're gonna get."
I grinned widely and stood up on my toes to brush my lips against his. "That's what I thought."
I spent the entire ride to the clubhouse pressed as closely into him as possible and in turn, his arm wrapped its way around my waist, hugging me tightly into his side. It was like we couldn't get close enough and we couldn't let go for long because we both knew that, inevitably, our time like this was limited from here on out.
. . .
When Caleb held the door open for me, he really hadn't been exaggerating about the mess or...the smell, either. To be fair, he'd probably only really stopped in at various points in the past few weeks to grab clean clothes and drop off the dirty ones. He'd even been showering at my house, so there really hadn't been much reason for him to spend much time in this room when he'd obviously wanted to spend that time with me somewhere we could really be alone.
As I walked through the threshold, Caleb scrambled past me, shoving the dirty clothes underneath his bed and kicking some of the stray trash out of the way, but all I could really do was just chew on the inside of my cheek as he flitted around the room. He didn't need to do this because I didn't really care what the room looked or smelled like.
All that mattered was that we were here.
"I, uh, I wouldn't go in the bathroom if I were you, Iz," Caleb was saying now as he ran a hand over his face. "You're probably better off just using the one in the hallway."
I dropped my overnight bag on the floor and just shrugged. "It honestly doesn't matter, baby."
Reaching for him until both hands clasped around the closures of his cut, I pulled him closer to me, needing to do this for him more than I needed anything else tonight.
"Caleb," I whispered. "I know you don't like bringing me here and I get it. I really do. I know how many girls have been in here before me and—"
Caleb blew out a shaky breath and dropped down onto the bed. The way he was rubbing both hands on his thighs anxiously and his chest was heaving in and out—for a moment, I almost thought he was having a panic attack. So I decided to put him at ease and stepped forward until I straddled him on the bed, wrapping both arms around his neck to bring him even closer.
"Baby," I started slowly and smiled when his eyes glazed over at our closeness. "I love you and I'd be a complete idiot not to care about what's already happened in this room. I know you're not innocent. I don't even want to know how many nights you passed out on this bed with some girl next to you. I saw it too many times and I hated it every single time."
His eyes widened at this new revelation and I just hitched my legs even closer to his waist.
"I'm not saying none of that matters because you and I both know that's not true," I went on carefully. "But I'm not exactly innocent either, you know and I don't
think either of us have anything to hide. So, that being said, I want you to know that from here on out, I'm giving us a clean slate. I want us to be able to be in this room and have a good time without you worrying that I'm stressing out over your past and without me actually thinking about what's gone on in this room before me. You are my future, Caleb, and because of that, nothing that happened in either of our pasts matters. When I come home on the weekends, I want us to be able to spend our time here, in this bed, and not think about anything but making the most of our time. Is that alright with you?"
He gazed up at me, his blue eyes swimming with more emotions than I could properly decipher, and then his lips closed over mine.
"Babe, that's more than alright. I really love you, you know that?"
"Yeah," I laughed against his lips. "I know and I love you, too."
I gently pushed his cut off his shoulders and tossed it on the chair next to his bed, fumbling with the buttons on his flannel as his hands went to work on my jeans. He groaned against my lips and flipped me around so he could tug my jeans all the way off. My hands were already skimming his flannel from his shoulders and then I lifted his undershirt up and over his head.
I'd thought that tonight everything would feel more desperate than normal, but it was slower, like we were taking our time, like we knew we just had tonight and needed to make the most of it.
All I needed were his lips and his hands on every inch of my skin, touching me, tasting me, loving me and then maybe I could wake up tomorrow feeling fulfilled and satisfied enough to push through.
His kisses were just as tender and gentle as I needed them to be and I felt cherished. I felt loved.
We were making new memories in this bed now and there wasn't a better or more fitting night to erase everything that had come before. My breath left my lungs in one heavy sigh as our emotional connection manifested itself into a physical one.
