He immediately began going through the closet, pulling things out he hadn’t worn in years. He’d meant to do that before but kept putting it off. Working at the hospital didn’t give him much time for such trivial things. Fortunately, Eliza had talked him into putting in a large, walk-in closet, so space wasn’t an issue.
In the back, he found a couple pairs of track pants, three pairs of jeans and plain white t-shirts. He carried them to his bed and was heading back in when John entered.
“I found those,” Chad said. “I hope they fit. My newer stuff would be too big because, well, I’ve put on some muscles since a few years ago.”
“They will be fine, thank you.”
Chad entered the closet again and found a few sealed bags of boxers. They seemed as if they were there for a while so he grabbed them along with a pack of socks that was probably bought by his mother. When he returned, John was changing into one of the shirts. He stopped and turned his back. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were changing.”
“Chad, you do not have to do that,” John said.
“I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable.”
“Believe me, Chad, discomfort is the last thing I feel right now.”
Slowly, Chad turned to look at him, but John averted his eyes.
“Okay,” Chad said. “I think we have a few pieces for you now. The place in back has towels and toiletries that you need, and there is supposed to be an extra toothbrush in the bathroom. We always keep a new one there in case we have a surprise guest.”
“Then I am set.”
“The shirt fits!”
“Yes,” John said doing a little bit of a runway turn. He chuckled. “I could not resist.”
Chad smiled and sat at the foot of the bed.
“Chad—can I tell you something?”
“Sure. Anything.”
“I think it is because you have been so good to me. And I do not wish for you to take this the wrong way, but remember I told you about the dream where I am in bed with a lover just before the room erupts into flames?”
“I remember. You said you couldn’t see her face.”
“Yes.” John sat beside him and turned to face Chad. “I did see the face. The third time I had the dream, I saw the face.”
“Okay. And?”
“It was…” John stopped.
Chad tilted his head, waiting to hear who the lover was. Maybe if he could see the face it would drag some memory and that would give them a clue of where to start in Negombo. This was good—this was progress. Maybe if he could get a sketch artist to meet with John, they’d have a face to go with the dream.
Instead, John leaned in and covered Chad’s mouth with his. For a second, Chad wasn’t sure what to do. He sat there, blinking, feeling John’s lips on his. But when John licked at his lips, all Chad could do was moan and open his mouth to give John entrance. He sighed and closed his eyes, allowing his body to melt into the kiss. Tasting John’s mouth was like magic, and every part of him pulsed sweetly with the joys of being kissed.
John moaned, and that drew Chad from his stupor. He pulled back and rose from the bed to put some distance between them.
“I am sorry,” John said, breathily. “I do not know what came over me, but you were so close and I—the lover in my bed has been you.”
“I don’t understand. You don’t even know if you’re gay.”
“Does it not mean I am because I enjoyed that kiss so much?”
Chad smiled. “No. It means you’re trying to figure out where you fall on the sexual spectrum of things.”
“Do you want me to apologize?”
“No. Not if you wouldn’t mean it.” Chad sighed. “It’s just that I…”
“What do you want?”
“What I want…” Chad shook his head.
“Okay, I have a better question. Did you enjoy my kiss, Chad?”
Chad dragged a hand over his head. If he lied and said he didn’t that would hurt John’s feelings and then he’d go back to being repressed with no strides. If he admitted it, then perhaps John would want to do it again, and he couldn’t let another kiss happen. Forget the fact it made him hard. Forget the fact that all he wanted to do was lay John against the bed and see just how deeply he could push into John’s hole until they both exploded—forget the fact, Chad had a taste of John and wanted more—John was his patient. He couldn’t get involved with him, no matter how beautiful he thought John’s eyes were.
“John, we can’t ever do that again,” Chad said. “It doesn’t matter if I liked it or not.”
“Why not?”
“Because … right now you’re dealing with a lot. I can’t expect you to go into this having thought it through completely. If when you get your memory back you still wish to kiss me, I will allow it, but for right now, we can’t.”
“I see.”
“No, you don’t see.” Chad walked over to kneel before him. He braced both hands on either side of John’s thighs and looked up into his eyes. “Can I be honest?”
“Please.”
“I enjoyed kissing you. But I want a man who won’t regret it later.”
“And how will I regret it later?”
“You may have a wife or a husband out there looking for you, and I can’t go into this with a man who isn’t sure of that. I told you, I want a life with a man I can settle down with, and if you have someone out there looking…”
“I see now—really.”
“If when we clear things up you still want to kiss me, I will welcome it and give you whatever you wish from my body. But until then, it wouldn’t be fair to you if I allowed this. And besides, right now you are my patient.”
John pushed away from him and shook his head. “Do not call me that.”
Chad sighed. “Okay. But give this some time.”
“It felt right kissing you, Chad. I promise it did. Maybe I like men. Maybe that is why I wound up where they found me.”
“Perhaps.” Chad wouldn’t admit out loud he had been thinking the same thing. He didn’t bring up the markings on John’s brain or the fact he had spots on his skin that corresponded with shock therapy. All that would be explored later. He didn’t wish to stress John out any more than necessary. “I have ice cream downstairs in the freezer—care to join me for dessert?”
John nodded and laughed. “Sure. It sounds delicious.”
“It is. You will see.”
With the strangeness between them gone, Chad led John back to the kitchen. Even as he dished out ice cream for both of them and they sat down to eat and talk about their upcoming trip, Chad kept going back to the kiss they shared.
Would he keep his word if John did turn out to be gay? How could he sleep with someone and then walk away? He hoped John had a family, a lover, someone who would make Chad not have to make that decision. Besides, he didn’t think anything would come of a relationship between them. John may wish to remain in Sri Lanka, and Chad was a doctor in India—and who knows? Maybe one day he’d wish to go back to Canada since he held citizenship there. Two—or rather three—different worlds that would no doubt wind up breaking both their hearts.
Sighing, he spooned some of the cold dessert into his mouth. His body was curious about John’s. But he knew, no matter how hard John made him, Chad knew he had to keep his hands to himself and be professional.
Though, the moment he was alone, Chad had a very hard problem between his legs that he would need to take care of.
Chapter Six
The first night in the guest suite alone drove John half mad. Though he tried sleeping, the bed was too perfect. The hospital bed was hard and uncomfortable, but he had gotten used to it. Taking a pillow, he set it on the floor and stretched out so it was under his head. From his back, to his side, to his stomach, John couldn’t get comfortable enough to attempt sleep.
By morning he hadn’t gotten a wink, for each time he tried, the nightmares came. When those went away, images of Chad filled his mind, sensual pictures, and he was s
o ashamed, he spent a good hour in the shower, trying desperately to clear his mind. After getting dressed in a track pants and plain white t-shirt, he made his way across the backyard, stopping only to dip a finger into the pool then continuing on his way.
“No, Mom,” Chad was saying. “I haven’t lost my mind. He’s a good guy, and he needed my help. Well, you always said if I see someone in need to lend a hand. Besides, I think John and I could be friends or would have been friends in his life.”
There was a lull in the conversation, and though John didn’t wish to eavesdrop, he couldn’t move for some reason.
Chad laughed. “I will. Do you know of any tricks that could jog someone’s memory? I seem to be out of them—yes, I did tell him to give it time, but it must be driving him crazy. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to not be able to remember anything. Yes, I have him speaking with Areema. I hope she can help him because he deserves to have his life back, you know?”
There was the sound of a chair scraping across the floor.
“Yes. How much do you know about Negombo?” Chad continued. “Oh. I’ll be careful, I promise. No, I haven’t told Eliza yet. She’s gonna want to come home to see if she can help, and lord knows John needs more time before I toss her in with him.” Chad chuckled. “Anyway, when are you coming back?”
At that moment, John stepped through the backdoor and into the kitchen. Chad turned and smiled at him, which took John’s breath way.
“Hey, John! Gimme a second, okay?” Chad asked.
John stuck his fingers into his back pockets and nodded. After Chad was off the phone, John sat on one of the stools and rested his elbows on the counter.
“I was speaking to my mother,” Chad said. “She says hello.”
“Thanks,” John said. “I am sure you told her of me.”
“Yes.” Chad set a plate piled with scrambled eggs and toast before John. “She was concerned about me having a strange man in the house. But, after I explained the situation, she seemed to have calmed down. She knows everything is going to be fine. Scrambled eggs—very good.”
“I am not even sure I like scrambled eggs.”
Chad smiled. He reached over, picked up a clump of eggs with his fingers and extended it to John, who accepted the warm food with his mouth.
“So? What do you think?”
John chewed. “Good. Very good.”
“There, mystery solved. You, my friend, like scrambled eggs.”
John laughed and reached for his fork. “I have been thinking.”
“Oh?”
“Will I not need special papers to get into Sri Lanka?”
Chad groaned, but then his eyes lit up. “Don’t worry about it. I have a friend who works in the immigration office. I’ll stop by to see him after I go in for my time off. I’m heading into the hospital to get someone to sign off on my vacation time. Will you be okay here by yourself?”
“I will be. I will remain in the guest house until you return.”
“There is no need. You’re welcome to the home. I know the guest house does not have a television. You are more than free to use one of the ones in here. I have yet to stock the fridge over there so—this one is.”
John nodded.
“Make yourself at home.”
“And the pool?”
Chad craned his neck to see out the backdoor. “Um, maybe not go in until I return. I—uh, don’t know if you can swim, so I’d prefer to be here just in case.”
“So if I’m drowning you can save me? My hero.”
“Smart ass.” Chad laughed, reaching over to snag a piece of John’s toast.
With Chad gone to give in his vacation request, John spent the first hour or so in the guest house. He curled up in the sofa, and when that position became too much, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the high ceiling. He mentally threw questions at the exposed lumber—who was he? Why wasn’t anyone looking for him? Had he been a bad person? Why was Chad Holstrom so damn sexy?
No answer came so, irritated, he finally pushed to his feet and walked across the yard to wander the main house. Chad had given him permission to move around, but a part of him felt bad doing that. He didn’t go to the bedroom, especially the master. Somehow the thought of Chad bringing other men home made him furious, so he remained along the ground floor.
Still, he stopped to pay closer attention to the pictures on Chad’s wall. Most of them were of Chad with a young girl who looked just like him. Perhaps that was the sister Chad always spoke of. Then there was an older woman—Chad’s mother, probably. Then he stopped before an image of Chad and Dr. Surinder from the hospital. Surinder was pressing a kiss to Chad’s check, and John suddenly felt ill. His stomach tightened, his palms sweated, and he felt as if he could throw up his breakfast.
Were the two more than friends?
That was where Chad found him. The moment he realized Chad was watching him, John took a breath and faced him. “Welcome home.”
Chad smiled. “Thank you. I got the go ahead for my vacation.”
“That is good. When do we leave?”
“As soon as we can get a flight out of the Jaipur International Airport into the Bandaranaike International Airport.” Chad eased by him and down the hall.
John followed. “We will be fine.”
“I really do not think anyone would do all of this or me. I should look about finding a job when we return.” John rubbed his neck. “I mean, I may never remember, right?”
“True. But what would you do?”
John shrugged. “I have no idea. But I cannot keep living with you.”
“Okay. We will see how you are when we return.”
“I will pay you back,” John said, sitting on a stool. “You have done so much for me, so there has to be some way.”
Chad walked around the counter to stand beside him. John turned to face him. “There is no need to do that.”
“So you take all your patients home?”
“Only the ones I believe are special.”
John’s cheeks heated, and he reached out to caress Chad’s arm. They stared at each other silently for a moment. All John wanted to do was kiss him again. But Chad didn’t want that. Sighing, he lifted his hand and started sliding off the stool. “I should put a few things together…”
Chad stopped him by cradling the side of his face. The warmth of Chad’s hands was so good, John couldn’t help pressing his cheek shamelessly against them. He closed his eyes, enjoying the tenderness he wasn’t sure he’d ever experienced before. “I probably shouldn’t say this to you because it’s not fair to you and what you’re going through, and in the end you may not even want to…”
“Just say it.”
“I want to kiss you,” Chad admitted. “I want to feel your mouth under mine, over mine, opening to—there is this voice in the back of my head that forbids it.”
“There have been a few times where I know you wanted to kiss me,” John said. “I see it in your eyes. I suppose you do not wish to kiss me bad enough.”
“How can you say that?” Chad asked.
“You hesitate, Chad. The man who gets me must take my lips when he wants, take this ass when he wants, and he cannot be apologetic about it.”
“John…”
“I am sorry. I do not even know if this is the kind of man I was before this head trauma happened. You’re right. Maybe it is the injuries speaking. I am sorry.”
“I remember what you tasted like. I can’t forget the heat from your lips against mine, what your body felt like pressing into me, and I…”
“But you will wait until I remember.”
“There is no other choice. I’ve thought about it, and I can find no other way around it.” Chad sighed. “I am trying to do right by you. What if we did do this and when you remember it turns out you aren’t into men? Then what would you do? It would kill me.”
“Then this conversation should not be happening. It makes you sad and say things I am sure you do not mean. Telling m
e you wish to kiss me and not doing it, telling me how you miss my body on yours and not taking it—it is cruel.”
“John, please. Understand, I’m not rejecting you.” Chad dragged the hand from the side of John’s face to his chest and pressed it there. “That’s not what this is. There are men out there who aren’t sure what they are, and when they finally figure it out they leave a lot of pain and hate in their wake. They burn someone’s world to the ground and tear their hearts apart. I don’t want that to happen here. I’m a very patient man. If after you remember, like I said before, I will happily do to your body whatever you wish for me to do to it and some other things I’m sure you won’t even think about.”
“Do you promise?”
Chad grinned. “I promise. Come, let’s look into a flight, a driver, and a place to stay once we go on our little expedition to Negombo.”
****
With their plans set, Chad retired to take a shower and change. Thanks to his contact at the local immigration office and another friend pulling some strings in Sri Lanka, Chad was able to get John on a plane. They would leave for Negombo in a day and a half. John argued with him the whole time trying to get him to find a way to not spend so much money on the trip. Chad on the other hand wouldn’t budge. The truth was, to get great service he wanted to make sure he went with the best. And for John to heal and be comfortable, the air in the hotel room needed to be clean. Then again, Sri Lanka wasn’t his home, and Chad wanted to make sure he was comfortable and safe. The hotel overlooked the ocean, something Chad loved when he traveled. He loved waking up to ocean breezes wafting through his window or hearing the waves crashing into the shore in the distance. It set him at peace.
“This isn’t just to help you, John. It is to have me get some rest as well. Do not worry—I will get as much out of this as you will.”
That didn’t seem to convince John, but he nodded. Afterward, Chad found a small suitcase and gave it to him. He also found some shoes and a few other things John would need, and they packed silently beside each other. With that out of the way, Chad lounged on his back on the bed, folded an arm behind his head and watched John as he stared out the window. They had been quiet with each other for so long, Chad’s head was beginning to pulse. Even so, he remained silent, giving John time to gather whatever thoughts he was pulling together. Perhaps if Chad interrupted that it would wash away a memory or something important.
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