by Lee Heaven
I had to giggle at her calling Decker a hunk of a man. Her oldest son is the same age as Decker. That means she’s actually old enough to be his mother. To hear her call him a hunk was just funny.
“He knows about Ely. He knows how much I loved him, how much I still love him and miss him. He knows about Kevin and how he broke my heart. I’ve even told him almost the whole story of what Brian had done. I couldn’t tell him about my chest. I’m too afraid he’ll turn from me.”
“Sarah, that man needs to know the truth. Scars or no scars he has to know. He needs to know. No, he deserves to know. What about the surgery? Have you thought more about getting it?”
“I would love to but insurance won’t cover it and it’s a fifteen thousand cost. I don’t have that money.”
“But he does,” Erica stated.
“I can’t ask him to do that. I can’t ask him to pay for it.” I said sadly hanging my head.
The man has given me so much already in such a short time and I have given nothing but heartache and worry back to him.
“You won’t have to ask him. When you tell him about it he will offer and he won’t take no for an answer. That’s what people who are in love do.”
“Erica, I’m too broken to be loved.”
“Ely is rolling over in his grave at you saying that. Don’t ever think that,” she scolds me. “Your heart and soul maybe broken, but it’s not something that can’t be fixed. That big stud muffin out there has a heart bigger than anyone would believe and he will heal you.”
“I’m so scared.” I cry as I close my fist and clench the necklace again.
“I know, baby girl, I know.”
Chapter 12
It’s been three days since I escaped. Three days since Kevin was arrested. Three days of lying in bed. Three days of living in hell, almost like I was still held captive. Only getting out of bed long enough to eat a little or take a shower. Once in a while I’d look down at the street, eighty-eight floors down and see the little black dots of the hounds just waiting for a story or a picture.
I still clench the necklace. I haven’t let it go. It makes washing my hair a challenge but I get it done. I haven’t said anything to anyone. I just lie there. Sometimes I turn the television on and channel surf, but rarely does that last more than a half hour. I can’t even listen to music and I love music, my world revolves around it.
Decker has been great. He doesn’t push me. He’ll leave me alone most days till he hears me sobbing and then he’ll come in and hold me till I’m done crying and then leave. He holds me tight at night, but I usually slip out of his arms and stand at the window looking over the city.
Maggie has taken over taking care of Josie. It’s hard for her to understand what is going on. Maggie said she wondered where I was all last week and they just kept telling her I was sick and had to go away to see a special doctor. It was a good cover and helped a little when she saw me in the hospital. Maggie told her that I still needed to rest, so I only see her when she gets home from school to show me her latest art work.
There’s more security now. There are two guards on every night. Daniel is there during the day plus three other guards. Plus Maggie said the building has put more guards on in the lobby and out front. There is always someone around.
Its midnight and I can’t sleep. Decker is sound asleep in bed. I’m pacing by the window. I look down at my clenched hand. I don’t know what to do.
I walk out of the bedroom and toward the living room. I’ve never met any of the new guards Decker hired for around the clock protection. The one standing near the kitchen looks mean. He's probably in forties and is built like a tank, doesn’t even smile or anything when I say hi.
The younger man, standing by the front door looks to be about my age, early thirties maybe late twenties. He is very friendly. I stop and talk to him for a few minutes. He said his name is Jimmy Newman and the mean guy over there is Michael Walsh.
Walking out into the living room I sit down and start up my laptop I send an email to Mark, Cindy, and Dennis telling them to be at my place tomorrow at eleven and bring all the fundraising stuff.
I head back to the bedroom and put on a pair of sweatpants and sneakers from my closet. I walk to the bed and kiss Decker on the forehead.
“Are you ok, baby?” he asks sleepily.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go for a run. I think I need some fresh air.”
“Wait I’ll go with you,” he said starting to pull the blankets off of him.
“No, stay and sleep. You need to go to the stadium tomorrow for some practice. I’ve made you miss the last two weeks of spring training.”
“I’d gladly miss two weeks to make sure your safe.”
“Sleep, Decker. Jimmy, the one night guard, is gonna come with me.”
“Keep him close and do not under any circumstance leave his side.”
“I know, I know. Now go back to sleep.” I kiss him.
Turning I head for the front door. Jimmy is standing there in his running clothes waiting for me. With a nod we are off.
“We need to go through the back door to avoid the hounds out front,” I said. Jimmy nods in agreement.
As the door opens I take a deep breath. The air is cold and crisp. Spring has started and it’s warm during the day but at night it’s still pretty cool. It feels fresh and breathing it in is like a huge cleansing breath. We walk down the block and over to the park.
Plugging the iPod into my ear buds and slipping the arm band on I turn the volume up on a local Broadway actor/singer named Matt Caplan singing his song, Now That I Know. Not the loud pumping music I usually blast, but his voice is very calming. It helps that he’s fucking hot and if I close my eyes I can picture myself running my nails down his back as he fucks me and sends little shivers down my spine. Fuck, where did that thought come from? It’s true he is hot, I mean come on who could turn down those blue eyes and abs he has. I totally would fuck him if I could, but wow that came out of now where.
Jimmy and I take off toward Strawberry Fields. Jimmy keeps pace with me, or should I say I keep pace with him, I usually don’t run; in fact, I hate running, but this is freedom. No one around to bother or question me, Jimmy doesn’t even say a word to me. We just run side by side.
Thoughts of that dark apartment, the sad mattress, the dirty dresser with paint peeling off of it, the hard cold chain around my ankle flood my mind. I have to shake my head a few times to clear it. Thoughts of finally being able to look out the window and realizing how close I was to freedom and rescue cause tears to well up. I swipe them away quickly.
I blame myself. It had to be something I did. Maybe I shouldn’t have emailed him back. Maybe I should have let Daniel go after him that day in Screamin’ Beans. Maybe I shouldn’t have cried when he came after me on the street. Maybe I shouldn’t have showed him those tears and how much I hurt because of him.
No, none of this was my fault. This was some twisted thing in his mind. I did nothing wrong. But I did. I gave myself willingly to him. I allowed him to touch me. I told him to. I begged him to do it. I did, it was me. It was my fault.
Once at Strawberry Fields we stop to take a break and drink some water. Where Jimmy got the bottles from I don’t think I’ll ever figure out. Taking out an ear plug and resting my hands on my knees I asked, “Do you want to go back or can we keep going?”
“Whatever you would like,” Jimmy says back to me.
“Let’s keep going. This is so freeing. Let’s go up to the castle we’ll stop there for some more water and then down the other side past the zoo, then home. Sound good?”
“Sounds perfect. You let me know if you want to stop and head back early.”
“Let’s go,” I said as I put my ear bud back in and head up to the castle. A friend from high school’s band, The Gaslight Anthem, was singing about American Slang and it was blasting in my ear drowning out the world.
The park is peaceful at this hour. It is just about empty. Every once in a while anot
her jogger would pass. Jimmy would get a little closer to me as we came upon people and would move back away as we got further from them. It was a protective move that made me smile every time he did it.
I love this. The calm peacefulness is almost as exciting as the bass pumping in the night clubs. Such two different sides to the city and both I loved so much.
Once at the castle I pointed to a bench and Jimmy nods. Sitting we catch our breath.
“Can I ask you something?” I look at Jimmy as I pulled the ear buds from my ears.
“Anything,” he responds as he wrapped his own ear buds around his neck.
“You know what happened to me right?”
“I don’t know specifics, but I do know you were kidnapped and that’s why I’m here. To make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Jimmy wasn’t a tall man, maybe only five foot ten but he was built, possibly more muscular then Decker and he looked like he could take down a charging rhino. No doubt this man could stop any harm from coming to me again. I’ve only known him for about an hour now, but I would trust this man with my life without a second thought.
“Well, the guy who kidnapped me was an ex-boyfriend. Claimed he was still in love with me. Once I figured out his game I knew the only way to get free was to make sure he thought I still loved him. I had to have sex with him.”
“Ms. Starr—”
“Sarah, please,” I interjected.
“Sarah. In my book that is rape.”
“Even though I gave myself willingly?”
“You did it to survive. You saw no other way. It wasn’t willingly the way I look at it. It’s something like Stockholm Syndrome.”
“What if I told you he had given me two orgasms?”
How is it I could tell this man I hardly knew what had happened to me, but I couldn’t tell Decker? Would I ever be able to tell Decker what happened that day? I made sure no one was in the room when I talked to the police at the hospital. Even when I was at the stadium I made everyone leave the office I was in.
Jimmy turned on the bench tucking one leg underneath him. I turned and sat the same way. “Sometimes our body betrays us. Sometimes our body doesn’t hear the things our brain tells us. In your brain you knew this was wrong, but your body was only feeling the pleasure. It happens in rape. It doesn’t mean you enjoyed it.”
“So I have been told. Would you look at your girlfriend any different if it happened to her?”
His smile faded and something burned in his eyes. It was like he actually knew what I was going through. “It did happen to her. Chelsea felt the same way you do. She refused to tell me and it almost broke us apart. That man up there loves you for the world. He deserves to know. You need to tell him.”
So he did know how I felt. His girlfriend went through the same thing. He did say the secret almost tore them apart. Would that happen to Decker and me? I’m already keeping a big secret from him. Could this be the breaking point?
“There’s still so much about me he doesn’t already know. There’s things in my past that have affected me and made me who I am today, that I’m afraid if he finds out the truth of everything he’ll run away.”
“Then that really isn’t love and someone you don’t need to be with.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know you are, but you need to do it to heal yourself. You won’t heal until he knows everything. I’ll leave Chelsea’s number for you and you call her any time you need, she’ll talk with you about it. She knows how you feel.”
We were back running a few minutes later. It was well after two in the morning when we finally made it back to the apartment. I showered quickly and slipped into my pjs.
Crawling into bed I kiss Decker on the forehead. His arm comes flying around me and pins me. “Everything ok, baby?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t be better. We need to talk when you get home tomorrow. Go back to sleep,” I say as I nuzzle into the crook of his neck.
“Your run help?”
“Yeah, it helped a lot.”
“Good. Now close your eyes and sleep.”
“I love you, Decker.”
His eyes opened and his hazel color bore a blaze that said he couldn’t have been any happier to hear those words come from my mouth. “Baby, that’s the first time you told me that. You better keep telling me that too because I love you. Now close those eyes and sleep.”
I closed my eyes and snuggled into him. I was in love with him. Had been for months. I was just too afraid to admit it until right that second.
~~~
I awake to a new day, a new me, and a new outlook. I feel better after last night’s run. I still haven’t let go of the necklace, it still stays clenched in my hand. But now I know what I need to do with it. I get up, get dressed and head to the living room.
Decker, Maggie, my parents, my sister, some of Decker’s staff, and some security are all standing there and stop talking when I enter. It’s like they weren’t expecting someone to be in the apartment with them.
I walk over and kiss my sister and parents on the cheek. “I think it’s time you three go home. You’ve missed enough work because of me and I’m good now. Please don’t put your life on hold for me anymore. Marie, get back to your kids. Mom, Dad, go back to work.”
I turn and walk toward the kitchen. I’m starving. I haven’t eaten a full meal in two weeks. Kevin barely gave me anything and I haven’t eaten much since I got home. Walking into the kitchen I see someone had breakfast catered, trays of food lay all over the counters. I don’t even grab a plate. I just start shoving bacon in my mouth. I grab a pancake and plop some scrambled eggs on top, roll it then take a bite. Not very lady like at all, but I don’t care at this moment.
Decker walks into the kitchen as I’m shoving food in my mouth and hands me a plate. I scoop potato latkes, apple crepes, another pancake, more eggs and bacon, and a bagel covered with butter. I find the biggest glass I can find and fill it to the brim with orange juice then grab a mug for a cup of tea. I place everything on the table in the kitchen, sit down, and start eating.
Through a mouth full of potato latke I look over at a bewildered Decker and ask, “What’s up?”
“You tell me,” he says as he rests his hips against the counter.
“Well, I thought it was time to stop sulking and get back to life. I have a job to do, a little girl to raise, a great man to love, and I was just starving,” I said as I crammed another fork full of pancakes and eggs into my mouth.
I could see the chuckle from my last sentence shake his chest even though he was trying to hold it in. “So you’re feeling better?” he questions cautiously.
Shoving a piece of bacon in my mouth I simply answered, “Yup.”
“Then I need you to do one thing for me,” he said cautiously.
“What’s that?” I stared back at him. I would have smiled except my mouth was stuff full of food.
“Show me what’s in your hand? Show me what you won’t let go of.”
Without hesitation I reply, “Ok, but you can’t touch it. Agreed?”
“I won’t touch it,” Decker says as he walks over and sits down at the table next to me.
I open my hand to show him my necklace. Decker just looks at the butterfly and broken chain that I haven’t let go of for four days. Even when I went for that run last night it was in my hand. After looking at it for a few minutes he looks up and just waits for me to explain. Minutes we just sat there looking at each other.
Finally I spoke, “Kevin gave it to me years ago when we first started hanging out after I got my scars. The butterfly was supposed to represent my soul, because even though I was scarred on the outside my soul was still beautiful. The clasp broke one night and I put it in the bathroom bag I kept at his house for when I slept over. After we broke up I never went back for my stuff. On my last day being held I begged him to let me take a shower, he handed me my bath bag. Everything was still in it, like I had left it all those years ago. When I went to leave I took my necklace. I d
on’t know why, but I couldn’t leave without it. I didn’t want to let it go, but now I know I have to and I know what I’m going to do with it.”
“What are you going to do?” he questioned.
“Can you give me two minutes and then I’ll show you, ok?”
He nods. I get up leaving my half eaten food and head for the door way. I turn and look at him “Don’t clean that up I want to finish when I get back.” Decker just laughs.
I head toward the bedroom and into my closet where my jewelry box sits. For the first time in four days I put the necklace down. I have to stretch my fingers as they seemed to cramp up as soon as I let go of it. Opening my jewelry case I take out an old chain, slipping off the broken one I toss it into the garbage can. I slide the new chain on and clasped it.
I walk back to the kitchen, held my hand out for Decker to take and then walk out the front door. We don’t talk, we just stand there as the elevator goes to the first floor. Walking through the lobby toward the front door Decker pulls back on my arm as if to stop me.
I turn and look at him. “It’s fine. I won’t say a thing and as long as you’re by my side I’ll be fine. I need to do this though.” I give his arm a tug and we walk through the front door. The hounds are out there screaming and yelling, bulbs popping left and right and security was running everywhere trying to push the crowd back. I suspect they were a little mad since there was no notice and they were not prepared for this.
I scan the crowd. I need to find the right person. Someone who will cherish what I’m about to do. I finally spot the person I think is perfect. I walk up to the young man, he looks to be in his late teens maybe early twenties. I whisper, “Do you have a girlfriend or a younger sister?”
The man nods at me. “Open you hand,” I whisper. As he does I place the necklace in his hand and close his fingers around it. “This was given to me years ago by someone very special. That someone special took my trust and love and stomped it all over the place. I want you to take this and remember that whoever you give it to, that you must love them and cherish them always. Is that understood?”
