by Mark Seaman
Mr Taylor stood up moving to take authority of the conversation; a conversation that for him at least was beginning to spiral out of control.
“Sadly this will mean your having to leave our employ, Ruth and, regrettably the sooner the better. I can’t possibly be having a scandal such as this associated with my name, nor indeed with this household.” He turned to address his wife. “We also need to consider the effect such a disgrace would have on the children as well, Helen.”
She looked at him. “You may well be right, Robert, but shouldn’t we hear what Ruth has to say first? Disappointed though I am in what she has done I still feel we owe her that much at least.”
He moved away, nervously flicking his cigarette ash in the fire grate as he leant on the mantle piece surrounding it. Mrs Taylor and I sat staring at each other in silence for a few moments as I prayed again, not for strength this time but for the floor to open and swallow me up. Mrs Taylor spoke first glancing at her husband for support but he looked away standing upright and rigid by the fire place drawing hard and deliberately on his cigarette.
“Well, Ruth, are we to hear what happened?”
I lifted my head, the tears rolling openly down my cheeks as I searched for any sign of compassion in her face, but all I could find was look of shock and sadness reflected in her eyes. I knew what I was about to say next would irrevocably change our relationship forever if it hadn’t been already by what she had heard in the past few minutes.
“I don’t have a boyfriend, well not a regular one at least; I don’t have much time for socialising away from my duties here.” I noticed her expression change once again.
“I’m sorry if you feel we have been so demanding of your time, Ruth. I thought you were happy here, but clearly we have misjudged you on a number of levels, including a wrongly perceived relationship between us.”
I felt my heart break as she spoke, distancing herself from me even further. I knew her words were prompted by a growing sense of personal disappointment in what I had done physically and not me as a person, at least not yet; that particular area of rejection was about to root itself as I spoke again.
“I am happy here, in fact the past few months have been amongst the happiest I can remember for many years. You and Elizabeth have become almost like a family to me, if that isn’t too forward. And Nelly and I have also become close, real friends I like to think.” I felt myself falter, fearing to speak out the words I knew would destroy any last vestige of affection between the two of us.
Mr Taylor turned to face me. “Well perhaps you should have thought of that before allowing an apparently more attractive avenue of pleasure to distract you from your duties here, as well as betraying the trust of those you purportedly care about. Clearly all that we have afforded you hasn’t proved enough or we wouldn’t be having this conversation now.”
Mrs Taylor stared at her husband; a look of shock displayed across her face in response to the damming nature and inference of what he had just said. Yet within that look I also noted a degree of acceptance in her expression with regards to the general tone of what he had implied.
I looked at him and much though I regretted the hurt I was about to cause to his wife, children and my friends within the house I also knew that if I didn’t speak out now this man’s lies, deceit and general disregard for his family and others would only continue to fester and grow. Like a malignant growth it would spread, eventually blotting out altogether the light and warmth that had shone so brightly in this beautiful family home up until just a few weeks ago.
Whilst his attitude and actions were not on the same level as the cancer of evil I had endured in Birkenau, a cancer it still remained and as in every other case once the disease is discovered it requires immediate surgery to remove it along with its potential to do further harm to both its victim and to others affected by its vile presence. I felt an inward assurance that I was about to do the right thing, although equally recognised that in so doing I would also be sacrificing my future happiness on the alter of truth in the short battle ahead. I tried to comfort myself in the knowledge that he would become the ultimate loser in the greater war that would surely ensue once I had fallen on my sword and left. I watched for a moment as he turned away, stubbing out his cigarette and throwing it on the fire. He hardly dared face me for fear of what he might read in the growing look of determination in my eyes. Like all bullies when cornered he was beginning to demonstrate the more cowardly character traits of weakness and spite by accusing me of having sinned and failed rather than looking to himself and his part in this wholly unsavoury affair, an affair I was determined would ultimately cost him more than just an admission of guilt. I felt my body shake as I prepared to speak, but this time it wasn’t a fear about my own future coursing through my veins but more a nervous determination say the right thing for everyone else and to finally bring an end this liturgy of lies and deception. I also noticed my tears had stopped flowing as I embraced this new and welcome sense of resolve surging through me. I clasped my hands together and took a deep breath.
“Mrs Taylor I need to start by saying that what I am about to tell you is the absolute truth. I would never make up something like this, or ever seek to hurt you, Elizabeth or young George in any way. I hope you can believe that. Nor would I wish to damage the special relationship I like to think we have established between ourselves in the time I have worked for you.”
Mr Taylor, now fully cognisant of what I was about to say, stepped forward taking up a position between his wife and I.
“I don’t know about you, Helen, but I am not sure I want to hear the grubby details of how this pregnancy occurred. I think we should just accept Ruth has made a terrible mistake and, sorry though we are it has happened, move on to decide the most appropriate way for us to part company; one that will least affect the children and us as a family.” He glanced at me, feigning concern for my predicament before addressing his wife again. “I am sure we would both want to be generous in our terms of severance, although of course we would be unable to provide much of a reference taking into account what has happened.”
She turned to look at him. “I don’t necessarily disagree with you, Robert, but I would still like to hear what Ruth has to say if you don’t mind. As I said earlier, we may not approve of the mistake she has made, but we do at least owe her the right to explain herself before we decide any final course of action.” She turned to me again. “Please continue, Ruth. Although I should add before you start that Robert is quite right when he says the eventual outcome to your story is still likely to be, for you at least, an unhappy one.” She smiled, and although it was not the look of affection I had grown accustomed to during our time together, it was a smile all the same and I took heart from that as I spoke again.
“As I said, what I am about to tell you is the truth. I have never and would never lie to you.” She nodded as if in acceptance to that fact at least. Mr Taylor moved towards the door, a look of panic spreading across his face as his worst fears were about to be realised.
“Well I’ve heard enough, Helen, even if you haven’t. The stupid girl has got herself into trouble and is no doubt about to give you some cock and bull story as to how it came about. A story told in the vain hope that it might engender some form of misguided compassion within you towards both her and her cause. Well more fool you is all I can say.”
Much as I had wanted to see his face when I explained what had really happened, I was now quite grateful that he was choosing to leave as it might give me the opportunity to speak more openly with Mrs Taylor, although I was equally sure I wouldn’t be receiving the compassion he alluded to, misguided or otherwise.
“You leave if you must, Robert, although I think you are being unfair to Ruth who, as I have stated already, and putting aside our personal feelings with regards to her folly in this matter, still deserves the right to be heard.”
The two of them stared at ea
ch other for a moment before Mr Taylor turned and left the room, closing the door firmly behind him.
“I’m sorry about that, Ruth, though I can understand Robert’s displeasure in what we have heard so far. Sadly, I also have to agree with him when he says it will be extremely difficult for us to find a way for you to stay on as nanny to Elizabeth and George following the birth of your own child, especially with you not being married and, up until this point at least, not apparently being prepared to name the father.” She took a handkerchief from her pocket and brought it to her face. Her voice faltered and broke as she continued. “Oh Ruth, how could you be so silly. I had such high hopes for you, for us all.”
I felt my eyes fill with tears again, but these were not the tears of anger and frustration I had demonstrated so readily towards her husband in recent weeks, these were tears of genuine regret and sorrow for the awful pain I was about to administer to someone I truly cared about. She had become my confidant, someone I knew I could trust with my fears and concerns and yet whose heart I was still about to break.
“I’m not sure where to start and, which ever way I tell you this it won’t make it any easier for either of us.” I knew I was trying to delay the awful moment of truth as I struggled to find the right words to explain what I had so foolishly agreed to. She looked at me quizzically. “I’m not sure what it is you are trying to say, Ruth, but I promise you no matter how hard it is I will try to understand and also to stand by you as best I am able.”
I looked at her wishing what she had just said might hold true but knowing deep inside it could never be once I had finished telling her my story.
“I don’t have a boyfriend, that isn’t how I got pregnant.”
A look of confusion spread across her face. “I don’t understand?”
I swallowed hard. “The truth is that I am expecting Mr Taylor’s baby.” There was a stunned silence as she looked at me trying to compute in her mind what she had just heard.
“He approached me a few weeks ago before George was born and proposed that as you were unable to perform certain duties because of your condition I should take your place in the bedroom to ease the pressure on you.”
I continued without looking at her, the tears running openly down my cheeks and my body shaking uncontrollably.
“He would come to my room when you were away and also during your time in hospital. I begged him not to make me do this terrible thing as I knew it would destroy everything I held dear, most especially my relationship with you and the children, but he threatened me with awful consequences if I didn’t do as he said.” I paused to catch my breath and glanced up at Mrs Taylor, her face demonstrating almost no emotion bar an expression of shock and disbelief which was etched unmistakably across it.
“I’m so sorry I was weak but I was scared of what he would do if I didn’t agree. Now in talking to you I wish I had been stronger no matter what the consequences, nothing could be worse than this.”
She sat for a moment looking straight ahead, then rising from her chair took a step towards me and slapped me hard and deliberately across the face.
“How dare you say such a thing? Her voice had become brittle and unforgiving. “Isn’t it bad enough you’ve got yourself into trouble without trying to involve my husband in this sordid affair? Robert was right, you are a stupid little girl and we should never have employed you, let alone trusted you with the care of our children.” She paused attempting to regain her composure. “I thought we were friends, Ruth? You said you would tell me the truth, but the real truth is that friends don’t tell lies to each other, or hurt one another as you have so clearly sought to hurt me in this shameful way. What could I possibly have done to you to cause you to say such unforgiveable things about my husband, knowing how much it would upset me? Why would you lie like that? ”
My face stung from the pain of her hand striking it, but the agony of losing her faith and trust in me burned deeper than any physical blow could ever do.
“I’m not lying to you, Mrs Taylor, I promise. Why would I seek to hurt and disappoint the people I most care about if I wasn’t telling the truth?”
She moved away from me. “I have no idea, but I do know that I’ve heard all I want to hear from you this evening, Ruth. I’m going to bed and to talk with Robert. You may sleep here tonight because it is late. We will speak again briefly tomorrow morning about what the two of us decide. I suspect we will simply ask you to leave our employ and house forever rather than getting involved in any additional unpleasantness or further lurid conversations about the circumstances of your pregnancy, along with the appalling and defamatory accusations you have made about my dear husband. I know Elizabeth will be upset but I will think of something to tell her as to why you have had to leave our home so suddenly. Although, and as I have just made clear, I am opposed to lying under any circumstances, I certainly won’t be telling her the truth, and especially not the grimy and sordid fantasy version of what you purport to be the truth.”
I rose from my chair. “Mrs Taylor please, I realise you’re shocked at what I’ve said but I promise you I am telling the truth. I ask again, why would I make up such a story?”
“And as I have already stated, I have no idea why you would say such an awful thing.” In the brief silence that followed I felt the icy wind of shared misery and sadness blow between us, albeit for differing reasons.
“To say I am shocked and surprised is a gross understatement as to how I am actually feeling at this moment, Ruth. Indeed, I wonder now if perhaps you’ve ever been totally honest with any of us in the time you’ve been here, who knows? It may be that your mind has been so affected by your past experiences in the prison camp that you no longer recognise the difference between lying and telling the truth, I don’t know. What I am clear about however is, that at this precise moment, I don’t even want to be in the same room as you let alone listen to anymore of the slanderous bile you are spouting about my Robert.”
She opened the door glancing only briefly towards me as she left the room. “Good night, Ruth.” I stood for a moment before my legs gave way and I collapsed back into my chair. I wasn’t sure how I had expected her to react, but I certainly hadn’t envisaged any of what had just taken place.
I didn’t sleep at all that night and rising early waited in my room after washing and dressing fearful of what might happen or be said to me if I ventured outside or went downstairs. Eventually there was a knock at my door: it was Mr and Mrs Taylor. He opened the door and followed his wife into the room. She looked down towards the floor avoiding any form of eye contact with me.
“Good morning Ruth. Helen and I spoke late into the night about your story and I have to say I am equally as disappointed and appalled as she is after hearing what you had to say in your defence and as to how you became pregnant. Indeed, if it weren’t for Dr Anderson’s confirmation of your pregnancy I’m not sure we would choose to believe even that to be true in light of everything else that has transpired in recent days. Neither of us is sure as to what triggered such a venomous attack, although I have my suspicions and will come to those shortly, but clearly what was said has affected all of our relationships irrevocably.” He took a step towards me. “I am afraid following your outburst last night along with the tissue of lies you chose to tell about what you say went on between the two of us I was left with no choice but to inform Helen of our earlier discussion of a few days ago.”
Mrs Taylor glanced up. I could see she had been crying as she stood submissively beside her husband.
“I’m afraid I can’t bring myself to speak to you personally about this matter, Ruth, but please be assured that I am in full agreement with Robert and in what he is about to say. I am so disappointed in you and can hardly believe some of the things he told me you have said and done during the last few days. I understand you have experienced many tragedies in your life but to strike out in this way against those who…” Her voi
ce cracked as her emotions got the better of her once more.
Mr Taylor took her hand. “It’s alright, Helen, we agreed I would speak, please try not to upset yourself again.” He looked towards me. “You can see how distraught my wife is with regards to this awful affair, Ruth, as I should add, am I. I had hoped the two of us had found a way to deal with your failures, but clearly you have since felt the need to add malice and spite to your already deluded fabrication of events by going through with your earlier threat of making up this terrible accusation about the two of us with the sole, and entirely selfish, intention of damaging my relationship with Helen.” I watched as he stroked his wife’s arm in a false pretence at comforting her. As he did so I hated him all the more for his duplicity but also recognised this was not the time to speak out. “That is why I walked out of the room last night,” he continued. “I was hoping and praying that you might finally see sense and not go through with your intended web of deceit to seemingly defend the indefensible as far as your own recent actions were concerned.”
I felt unable to stay silent any longer.
“I’m not sure I understand what it is you are saying, sir? I told Mrs Taylor the truth last night. My only regret is that she didn’t give me the opportunity to fully explain what had happened.”
Mrs Taylor brought her handkerchief to her eyes. “Please Ruth, don’t say anything else I simply can’t bear it. You have let me down so badly. Please just let Robert finish.”
I felt her pain every bit as much as my own and wanted to reach out to her but knew at this moment it would be both inappropriate as well as futile. Mr Taylor stepped forward again as if to shield her from me, his voice remaining calm though determined as he spoke.
