“Is that why you and Stacy were there tonight? Do you want to dabble in BDSM, Stace?”
“Oh no. What Gage and I do is fine with me,” she said, almost making me want to cover my ears. “Coincidentally, we’re writing a story about a girl who longs to be part of the culture, herself. I wanted a point of reference, so Gage took me there. I guess we’ll have to go back since I didn’t get to observe too much.”
“I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly. “You didn’t have to rescue me. I really could have found my own way home.”
“Most of the people at R&R are safe, but you never know who might lurk around the place… people who couldn’t get in. I feel much better escorting you home myself,” Gage replied. “You should know I ran into Wyatt and Brock last night. Kent and I hung out with them for my version of a bachelor party. You’ve knocked that man on his ass.”
“I… I didn’t mean to. I’ve been confused, and I didn’t think he could give me what I needed.”
“But you’ve had a change of heart after tonight?” Stacy asked softly.
“I don’t know what I think. I don’t know if Ezekiel was just another wrong choice, or if my head is too far up my ass to see the sunshine. I need to process everything,” I said, gnawing on the corner of my lip. “Besides, I doubt Wyatt would forgive me now. It couldn’t have been great to see me, ass up while some other guy whipped the hell out of me,” I said as Gage turned the corner onto my street.
“Well, do yourself a favor and take the next week to really think everything through. Don’t approach him until you’re absolutely certain you know what you do want and need. Otherwise, you’re going to do even more damage than you already have.”
“What if he doesn’t take my calls?” I wondered out loud, going to town on my lip.
“I invited both Brock and Wyatt to the wedding, so if you have your shit sorted, you’ll have a chance to talk with him then,” Gage replied as he pulled up in front of my apartment building. He and Stacy walked me to my front door before giving me hugs.
“If you need someone to talk to, give me a call,” Stacy said. “I’ll be busy this week as we come up on the big day, but I’ll make time for you. Even if it’s just to go to lunch and get you out of your head for a while.”
“I’ll do that. Thanks, you two. I’m glad you were there.”
Gage kissed my forehead, then took my key from me and opened the door. After a quick security check on my apartment, he and Stacy took off.
I flopped on the sofa, welcoming Wheezy as she settled on my lap. Stroking her fur, I wondered just how the hell I’d gotten myself all twisted around, and what I was going to do to fix things.
* * *
The next day, the first thing I did was call Rae. I had plenty of amends to make, starting with my best friend. Rae was cool and a bit distant at first, but after preliminary apologies on my part, she agreed to meet me for a round of drinks and appetizers once she got off work for the day.
“Whew. Brad-the-file-clerk is going to be the death of me,” Rae said as she sat down across from me that evening.
“Still got the hots for him?” I asked with a snicker.
“You would too if you ever saw him. I swear he should be modeling underwear in some men’s magazine.”
“You know most of those guys are gay, right?” I asked, my laughter spilling over. Rae’s posture deflated as she shook her head.
“With my luck, he probably is. He hardly even looks my way.”
“I doubt you even try to get his attention.”
“That’s true enough. Is it too much to ask for a man to just throw himself at my feet and worship me?”
I winced at the image. I knew she wasn’t taking a shot at me, but the image called to mind my very recent stupidity about what I thought I’d wanted.
“I’m not talking about you, you know that, right?”
“Of course,” I replied. “I’m not about to fling myself at you, begging you to do your worst to me. Well, maybe I will if it means your forgiveness.”
“There’s no need to go that far,” Rae replied, her face surprisingly one of compassion. “I know you thought I was judging you.”
“You had every right to. I was being stupid.”
“You’ll get no argument from me there, but we all are sometimes. I knew you’d eventually see reason. So, what happened?”
I spent the next hour recounting the events from the night before, sparing no details and taking full responsibility for my self-delusion.
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“I’m not sure. I know I need to talk to Wyatt, but I’m afraid to call. Gage said he’d be at his and Stacy’s wedding this weekend, so I’ll at least have the opportunity to see him there. It’s hardly the place to have a heart to heart though.”
“I doubt he’d make a scene. Maybe you can pull him into a corner and have a conversation while everyone else is dancing. We know you won’t be,” Rae teased.
“Hey, I’ve danced twice with Wyatt since the new year began. I may have turned over a new leaf.”
“Not unless God suddenly blessed you with a sense of rhythm,” she said, picking up the cosmopolitan I’d ordered for her while I waited for her to arrive.
“I’m afraid the rhythm was all Wyatt’s. I don’t think he’ll be inviting me for a spin on the dance floor, so maybe it would be a good time to chat. That said, I need a date. I was going to ask him, but would you be my ‘plus-one’ now? I might need you to help me pick up the pieces if he won’t forgive me.”
“You know you can count on me.”
* * *
I spent much of the rest of the week in deep contemplation of my behavior over the last few months. I’d definitely been drawn to all things dark and kinky, which hadn’t changed, but what about it all made me think I’d like being subjected to someone else’s desires for me? I recalled I wanted someone to just take over and relieve me of the burden of handling my life’s responsibilities, but how did I think that translated to someone taking over every aspect of my daily existence?
I thought about my limited interaction with Ezekiel. I never really felt a connection to him, yet forged on, thinking he was my ticket to a lifestyle I was convinced was for me rather than carefully evaluating my response to him. It hadn’t taken much for me to bristle under his attention, and with due thought, I’d found him way too rigid and serious. How in the hell would someone like me—sarcastic and dry as I was—ever think I could endure someone so austere telling me what to do? I didn’t come up with any good answers other than having been swayed by fantasies born out of some really great writing.
Then there was Wyatt. I had serious atoning to do. He’d been nothing but good to me, trying so hard to be all the things I thought I needed him to be even when he had his own doubts. All the time, I thought I needed to be someone’s pet to be treasured and valued when I’d had it in Wyatt all along. He’d put my needs before his, pushed himself beyond his own comfort zone to explore the things that interested me when at any time he could have told me to pound sand. What did I do when everything came to a head? I wrote him off without a second thought, believing I knew everything—like always. It seemed I needed a healthy dose of the humility he’d learned in the last year. I needed to talk to him, to somehow get him to hear me out but was reticent to pick up the phone. I took the rest of the week trying to plan just what I’d say to him, but every time I thought about it, I couldn’t find any of the right words to express the depth of my embarrassment and genuine remorse. I could only go to him, heart in my hands, letting him know I’d finally realized how much I loved him, how he’d been right. He was the man I’d needed all along.
* * *
When Saturday finally rolled around, I was a bundle of nerves. I was equally looking forward to and dreading seeing Wyatt. I was eager to try to fix things between us but scared to death the best I would be able to do was get him to not hate me. My stomach was in knots the entire day.
Rae and I sat throu
gh the lovely service in the Kingsley’s remarkably beautiful chapel. It had ornate ceiling woodwork, painted white with creamy beige walls and plush, off-white carpeting. Stacy looked radiant in a white, beaded mermaid gown with a plunging neckline. I’d thought she would have gone with a Southern belle style dress, sweet as she still was, but Gage’s influence on her couldn’t be denied. She’d found her inner vixen and wasn’t afraid to show it even at her wedding. Shockingly, her intrepid parents had managed to show up for the shindig even though they were dressed like they were leaving for the Amazon right after the service. I wasn’t surprised when it turned out that’s exactly what they did. Stacy didn’t seem fazed by it in the slightest.
Once we all had made our way to the reception hall, I took my place at the guest book, making sure to flag down every person who came through the door. Rae, as only a best friend could, took over my responsibility of getting everyone to the videographer to record their personal best wishes to the happy couple so I’d have the chance to speak to Wyatt later and of course before everyone was too drunk to say anything coherent.
My breath caught in my throat when he walked through the door with Brock. They both looked handsome in nearly matching dark suits. Brock wore a heather grey, three-piece one with a striped shirt beneath while Wyatt’s was classic charcoal. He wore a lighter grey shirt beneath with a silver tie. His deep, dark eyes landed on me, and I thought I’d wither from nerves as they jangled within me. I smiled tremulously, waving toward the guest book.
“Hey guys,” I said softly. “Can you sign the guest book for Gage and Stacy? I hear they’re giving away a door prize at the end of the night.”
My feeble attempt at a joke earned me a small smile from Wyatt. Without saying a word, he moved toward me, picked up the pen and scrawled his name. As he passed the pen to Brock, he looked at me for a long moment.
“How are you doing?” he asked quietly.
“I’ve been better,” I replied honestly. “I’d like to talk to you later if you’ll let me.”
“Come find me later. I’ll make time for you,” he replied, the same words I’d said to him when we met. It made a tiny sprig of hope grow in my chest.
I was on pins and needles through most of dinner. Rae did her best to keep me calm and focused, but I’d never felt less confident in my life. It felt like my entire future hinged on whether Wyatt would accept my apology. I still didn’t have a good grasp on why I’d behaved as I had, but I was going to do my best to explain myself. It’d be hard to convince Wyatt I’d learned my lesson when I hardly understood what my initial motivation had been, to begin with. I knew what I thought I’d wanted, but even after my week of introspection, I didn’t have a good reason why I’d thought I wanted it.
I waited throughout all the usual post-ceremony activities, the couple’s first dance, the cutting of the cake, the garter toss. Gage and Stacy seemed blissfully happy, which at one point brought tears to my eyes. I envied the ease of their relationship, how effortless and drama-free it seemed to be. I’d never be as sweet and kind as Stacy, but I hoped one day I’d be as lucky as she was. Though Gage had spent much of his single days indulging one passion or another, he recognized Stacy for the diamond she was as soon as he’d met her. I wasn’t nearly as shiny and sparkly, but I really hoped Wyatt still saw something in me despite my rough edges and now, lack of any kind of luster.
I found my eyes flicking toward the table where he sat, his eyes on everything but me. I sighed, both fearing the time they would open the dance floor for everyone and anxious for it to happen. When the deejay finally invited everyone to come out and get their groove on, I took a deep breath.
“Well, are you going to go over there and talk to him?” Rae asked as the third song began to play.
“I will. I’m just…”
“Prolonging your misery. Just go over there. If he wasn’t willing to hear you out, he wouldn’t have invited you to speak to him.”
“I know. I’m just scared,” I admitted, fidgeting with the fork that came with my cake. I hadn’t been able to eat a bite of it even though I’d only picked at my meal. My stomach threatened to revolt just looking at the sugary confection.
“Here, drink up. Maybe some liquid courage will help you get your act together,” Rae said, sliding my Manhattan closer to me.
I resisted the urge to guzzle the entire thing in one swoop, instead taking several large sips.
“Maybe I should have another one, just to be safe,” I said after taking the last swallow.
“Oh, no. You need to have your head somewhat together when you try to do this. As tempting as it would be to pour your feelings out all over him with no filter, I know you. It’d come out rambling and jumbled and very likely inartful. You need to be as precise as possible, showing him at least how serious you take your relationship with him.”
“Fine, but if this doesn’t seem to be going well, make sure you have another waiting for me when I get back.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered,” she said with a smile.
Screwing up my courage, I stood and turned in his direction. Finally, his eyes were on me. I’d never been more scared in my life. I walked toward him like I was walking the green mile. My fate was in the palms of his hands, and his face gave me no clues as to how receptive he’d be to whatever I finally came up with to say. I should have formulated some kind of speech ahead of time, but every time I tried to think of what I’d say, I froze up, my brain shutting down on me. The moment of truth was here, and I was on a wing and a prayer.
“Hey, Brock. Do you mind if I steal your date?” I said, trying to open with a bit of humor, belying my increasing anxiety.
“Sure, Clarisse. Just promise to leave him in one piece this time, okay?” he said bluntly, giving me a warning look. I winced slightly as I nodded.
“I’ll do my best,” I said as Brock stood and wandered away. Taking his seat, I turned to Wyatt.
“Hi,” I said nervously, any thought I might have had about what to say suddenly fleeing.
“Hey,” he said with a small smile.
“Are you enjoying the party?” I asked dumbly.
“It’s all very nice,” he replied casually. “They make a great couple, don’t you think?”
“Definitely. They not only look good together, they fit like puzzle pieces. The way it should be, I think.”
“Is that right?” he asked, his eyebrows raised, his face clearly expecting me to elaborate. I decided to drop all pretenses and just go for it.
“Yeah, I’ve had a reason to do a lot of thinking the last several days. About what good relationships are, what they should be like, how two people should feel when they’re together.”
“Come up with anything profound?” Wyatt asked as he reached for his water glass.
“Yeah. I was an ass. When I walk away tonight, more than anything, I want you to know that I realize that now, and I’m deeply and sincerely sorry.”
“What exactly are you sorry for?”
I heaved out a heavy breath. He had no intention of making it easy for me, but he wasn’t being rude or cruel. He seemed to really want to know what I was thinking.
“So much. I’m sorry for not having my head on straight, I’m sorry for being a bitch, I’m sorry for mistaking what I thought I wanted rather than realizing I had it all along. More than anything though, I’m sorry for hurting you.”
Wyatt nodded thoughtfully but didn’t say anything right away. I sat quietly, awaiting my fate.
“Come,” he said, standing. “Let’s dance for a little bit while we talk some more.”
“I’m already humiliated enough,” I replied, pleading for his mercy with my eyes.
“Come on, Clarisse. At the very least, you should know by now. I’m not going to put you in a situation you can’t handle or that I can’t take care of if you can’t.”
A slow smile crept over my face as his words sank in. No matter how things went, he still had my best interests at heart. He held out h
is hand, and I gently placed mine in it. The deejay was playing a slow song, and my heart tripped for a second, realizing we wouldn’t be doing the wild, dirty grind we’d done at the New Year’s Eve party. I took a deep breath, willing my heart to settle, then put all my faith in Wyatt. He always said he’d take care of me, had yet to let me down, so I surrendered my fear in favor of his promise.
Pulling me into his arms, he simply swayed back and forth, nothing elaborate, just subtle, rhythmic movements as Adele sang Hello over the speakers. It seemed an odd song choice for a wedding, but I let the sorrowful words wash over me as I held on tight to Wyatt’s shoulders. Neither of us said anything for several minutes, the first song ending and another slow, albeit happier tune following.
“You know,” Wyatt began slowly. “I really thought we had something we both valued.”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t value it,” I replied, then shook my head. “I did on a level. I just realize now I didn’t appreciate it for all it was. I had this fucked up notion in my head of what I thought I wanted in a relationship I now understand was all just fantasy. You were right all along. I’m not cut out for a submissive lifestyle. In fact, it’s laughable to me now that I ever thought I was.”
“If you hadn’t crushed me, I’d laugh right now too because the idea is ludicrous. I’ve never met someone more in charge than you. You don’t know it,” he said, guiding me into a slow turn, “but in so many ways, you were keeping me in line.”
“I was? What do you mean? How so?”
“I admitted to you the issues I had with my self-control in the past.”
“Yes, but I don’t follow,” I said, my brow wrinkling in confusion.
“I couldn’t see anyone but you. I never felt the slightest temptation to even look at anyone else. I didn’t need to have my ego stroked. I don’t mean to imply I feel what I feel for you because you’re safe—if anything you’re the biggest danger to me in some ways—but because you’re what I needed. Being with you made me feel complete; I didn’t need some external reassurance that I was desirable or worthy. I know that makes me sound like a pussy, but I’ve had some time to do some thinking of my own. You ripped all that away from me, Clarisse. I thought I’d found what I’ve always wanted but never knew it. Then you told me it wasn’t what you needed at all.”
Twist Tied Page 17
