by Jay Bell
Kelly studied his shoes and nodded. “Yeah, probably. Unless he felt sorry for me and was trying to make me feel less alienated.”
“No,” Bonnie said.
“He is really nice. Ridiculously so.”
“Maybe, but no. You said you felt like he wanted to talk about it. If he was pretending, what would there be to say?”
Kelly raised his head, considered all the evidence once more, and finally gave in. “Okay. You’re right. He’s gay.”
Bonnie peered at him. “Then why don’t you sound happier? From what you described, he sounds hot. I’d love to date some sexy swimmer chick.”
“Finding a pretty face has never been the issue,” Kelly said. “If that’s all I wanted, I would have shacked up with someone in group by now. I need a guy I can connect with on a deeper level.”
“Like Jared,” Bonnie said, her tones sympathetic.
“Yes,” Kelly said. “Someone like that. Except reciprocated.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you to—”
“No, you were right. The guy is a dick. It’s good I found out now instead of later. I just wish I could erase him from my mind because he’s in there way too deep.” Kelly pressed his back against the car, feeling water slowly soak into his shirt and chill his skin. “You’re right that I should be excited. William is hot. He’s sweet. He’s motivated. All things that I look for in a guy.”
“Plus he’s got an awesome Transformers collection,” Bonnie said. Kelly snorted. “Right. I just feel like the timing is off. If I had met him before I really started falling for Jared. Or maybe a year from now when I’ll finally be over him—”
“It won’t take that long,” Bonnie said. “Trust me. You just need to keep your distance from Jared and let William get closer. Mother Nature will take care of the rest. She knows how to make you gay boys dance.” “Maybe you’re right,” Kelly said. “But I’m not done with Jared. Not yet.”
“Your plan for revenge. How could I forget?” Bonnie shook her head. “Let it go.”
“Nope,” Kelly said. “I hurt him back first. Then I move on.”
Chapter Four
Jared seemed in high spirits. He wore a constant grin when Kelly spotted him at his locker between classes. During lunch he could barely stay seated, his voice loud. Jared always behaved that way when exceptionally happy. These good vibrations didn’t extend to Kelly, who he steadfastly ignored. Trying to do the same, Kelly kept his focus on his cell phone screen while he ate, willing the world around him to disappear. He failed, of course, his fork jabbing the lunch tray harder when Jared mentioned how Martha planned to switch lunch periods just to be with him. Kelly already knew he wouldn’t be able to handle that. Either he needed to find a different table, or he needed to change lunch periods. Hell, maybe he and Martha could go to the office together and offer to swap.
When he was finished eating, Kelly left the cafeteria early and headed to his locker. There he fetched the books he needed for the rest of the day so he wouldn’t have to return between classes and see Jared again. This made his backpack tediously heavy, but he told himself it counted as weight training.
Once the school day ended, he waited by his car. When William showed up, Kelly tried viewing him without bias. No Jared, no bruised-and-battered heart, just him and another guy meeting for the first time. A plain white T-shirt hung off William’s impressive chest, the fabric loose around the narrow waist. He wore shorts today, showing off muscles rounded and soft, unlike the tight and ropey legs of a runner. The pale skin and blond hair couldn’t have been a starker contrast to Kelly’s own, but they shared the same slightly troubled expression. Kelly realized this first, forcing himself to smile. William soon did the same, his green eyes lighting up a moment before uncertainty returned. No doubt about it. The big talk would happen today.
After a standard greeting, they got in the car and headed to the park. Conversation floundered along the way. William mentioned how he’d skipped swimming to save his strength, and how he had even slept later than usual. Kelly’s responses were polite but minimal, since he wanted to give William the chance to broach a more important subject. Or maybe Kelly was expected to raise the issue, since by the time they reached the park, the car interior had gone silent. Kelly parked, shut off the engine, and waited.
“Nice,” William said, nodding through the windshield. In front of them, a paved path wound and disappeared into a thick forest. Away from human bustle, the birds here were confident, their song more robust. A pair of squirrels chased each other up a tree, and in the patches of unmaintained lawn, butterflies flitted around tufts of wildflowers. “Very nice.”
“It is,” Kelly said, unbuckling his seatbelt. “Secluded too. It’s just you and me out here.”
William’s head whipped around to face him, the concern transparent.
“Easy now,” Kelly said. “That wasn’t a pickup line. I only mean we have privacy to talk.”
William laughed. That was progress. Then he seemed to consider everything he needed to say and shook his head. “I knew you were all talk. About being so fast, I mean.”
Kelly smirked. “Okay. If that’s how it’s going to be, let’s go.”
Once out of the car, his body tingled in anticipation. He needed this. To run again, not just physically but emotionally—to escape all the drama at school, all the knowing glances, or worse, the one person who now refused to look at him. Kelly knew he should be responsible and show William the right warm-up exercises, but screw it. The sun was peeking from between the clouds, a light breeze tickling their skin, and a long empty path stretched out ahead.
“So how do you want to do this?” William asked. “Should we race or take turns or—”
“Just run,” Kelly said, hesitating no more.
He took off toward the path, forcing himself to start with a slow, controlled pace. William was at his side, having no trouble keeping up, even when Kelly picked up speed. The trees blew past them, the birdsong lost to the rhythmic sound of feet hitting the pavement and breath puffing from their lungs. Warmth filled every inch of Kelly’s body, a light sweat breaking out on his skin. Soon endorphins rushed through his blood. It felt so damn good. Like sex. Occasionally the path would grow narrow, or they would round a tight curve and William’s shoulder would nudge his. Usually, Kelly remained lost in his own little world while running, but these fleeting moments of contact reminded him he wasn’t alone. He was in motion, but this time someone else was there and keeping pace. So far.
“Ready to start running?” Kelly asked.
“I thought we were already,” William huffed.
“Ha!” Kelly replied. “See the light ahead? That’s a clearing. I’ll race you there. Give it everything you’ve got. Ready?”
William nodded. “Ready.”
“Go for it!” Kelly let William launch ahead a few paces. He wanted to measure just how fast William could go and was surprised by how well he carried his weight. The boy had determination. That was for sure.
But he was no sprinter. Halfway to the clearing, Kelly finally followed his own rules and gave it his all. Within seconds he had passed William and left him behind. When he reached the clearing, he had enough time to turn and hop up on a picnic table, sitting there casually when William finally appeared from the trees. To his credit, he kept running all the way up to the table, even though the race had long since been lost.
“Holy shit,” William panted, splaying hands on the table’s surface to support himself. “You’re like the Flash!”
“And you’re like Aquaman,” Kelly said. “Out of your element.” William raised his head and grinned. “Tomorrow. You and me at the YMCA. Then we’ll see who’s out of his element.”
“It’s a deal,” Kelly said. “Although not in the morning. I hate getting up early. After school?”
William thought about it and nodded. “After school. Every day. We’ll keep switching back and forth, teaching each other our tricks. You show me yours, I’l
l show you mine. That way we’re on even footing for the triathlon.”
Kelly nodded. “Agreed. Frankly, I don’t care who wins as long as it isn’t Jared.”
“Still pissed at him?”
“Yeah,” Kelly huffed, but not because he was out of breath. “Want to know why?”
William nodded.
“He said it was bad enough that I’m black without being gay too.” “He said that?” William’s brow knotted up, the green eyes hardening. “What an asshole!”
“I know. As if I have a choice. I can’t change my skin color or who I love.”
“I wanted to talk to you about that.”
Kelly raised an eyebrow. “You want to be a black man?”
William laughed. “No, but for the record, I think it’s cool. That you’re black, I mean.” He looked worried. “Wait, is that racist?”
“Probably, but I’m flattered and willing to forgive you.” Kelly considered him. “So it’s the other thing you’re worried about?”
“Yeah,” William said, breaking eye contact.
Kelly brushed leaves off the table, clearing a spot. “Come tell me about it.”
William took a deep breath and hopped up next to him. With his feet on the bench, he rested his forearms on his legs, hunching over and staring at the grass below. “So you’re gay.”
“Yup,” Kelly said, even though it wasn’t a question.
“How did you know?”
Kelly thought about it. “Around the time other guys were noticing girls, I starting noticing them noticing girls.” He chuckled to himself, then cleared his throat when he saw William frown. “It’s all down to attraction. Put me in a room full of supermodels with guys on one side and girls on the other, and I know which direction I’ll be looking.”
“But have you ever looked at girls too?” William asked.
“Sure. I’ve done more than just look, because all of this is confusing. If you like vanilla ice cream but everyone else eats chocolate, eventually you’re going to give chocolate a try. So, uh, which flavor do you like?” “Strawberry,” William said. He sat upright and turned to Kelly with an expression of hope. “So if you’ve looked at girls before, do you think it’s normal that guys sometimes check out other guys?”
“Absolutely. Even if it’s just to compare size in the locker room, or figure out how they stack up in other ways. But that’s not the same as attraction.”
“But it’s normal,” William pressed.
Kelly wasn’t sure what he meant exactly, but he felt confident about his answer. “All of this is normal. Yes.”
“Good.” William exhaled. “I scope out a lot of guys in the hall. I don’t during swim practice because that would be creepy, but I’m always looking around. I make myself look at girls too, and I know everything works in that regard.”
“Wait, what?”
“You know.” William glanced around the clearing to make sure they were alone. “Have you ever jacked off?”
“Once or twice,” Kelly answered carefully before snorting. “Are you kidding me? I’m a pro! I’m probably nearing a world record by now.” “Oh. Well, I can jack off while looking at nude women. Everything works down there, if you know what I mean.”
“A demonstration might help,” Kelly said before nudging William to show he was teasing. “And for the record, the gay youth group I go to has plenty of guys who lost their virginity to a girl but still identify as gay”
William’s worry deepened. “But how can they sleep with a girl if they’re really gay? How can they even get it up?”
Kelly shrugged. “Hormones are hormones. Tell anyone this and I’ll kill you, but I once jacked off to Aladdin.”
“The cartoon?” William asked.
“Yeah. I was thirteen and clueless, okay? Besides, Aladdin is kind of hot. But that doesn’t mean I’m Disneysexual or whatever.”
William laughed. “Yeah, but at least Aladdin is a guy.”
“He’s a two-dimensional drawing of a guy wearing parachute pants, a dopey vest, and a fez. My point is that when we’re horny, all sorts of crazy things can turn us on.”
William frowned and went back to contemplating the grass.
“Returning to my original scenario,” Kelly said. “Say you’re in a room with the hottest guy in the world on your left, and the hottest woman in the world on your right. Which direction are you going to be looking?”
“Is anyone watching me?” William asked.
“No. Better yet, you’re invisible. No one can see you no matter what, and the guy and girl are both slowly getting undressed. Which one do you want to see get naked?”
William was silent for a moment. Then, under his breath, he swore.
He sounded miserable, like it was the worst news possible. Kelly remembered feeling overwhelmed when figuring out the truth, but also sort of excited, like an entire new world had opened up to him. Maybe William just needed to say it, to finally get it out in the open.
“Which one?” Kelly pressed.
“The guy,” William snapped. “I’d want to watch the guy.”
“Is that so bad?”
William glanced over at him, his glare intense, but as Kelly held his gaze, his features softened somewhat. “I want to join the Coast Guard,” he mumbled.
“So? It’s not like the idea of a gay sailor is anything new.”
“That’s the Navy. I’d be a coastie, and it’s the idea of an openly gay sailor, coastie, soldier, or anything else that’s the problem.”
“Oh.” Kelly leaned back. “Right. What about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Doesn’t that protect you?”
“Yeah, but only if I live a lie.” William hopped off the table and started pacing back and forth. “If I fall in love with some guy, or if someone catches us kissing, or if I even talk about it, I could get kicked out. I can’t exactly go four years without dating anyone. That would raise suspicion too, so I’ll have to get a girlfriend. That’s why I’ve tried a couple times to... You know. I need to figure out if I can do that, if my body will go along with me.”
“Or you could not enlist.”
William spun around. “What about you? What if gay people weren’t allowed in the Olympics?”
Kelly bit his lip and nodded. “Okay, that would suck. But I’m in a similar situation. How many openly gay athletes can you name? There aren’t a lot, and I worry about not finding a coach or a sponsor just because of who I am.”
“So what are you going to do?” William asked.
Kelly thought about it. “Fall in love with the most wonderful guy possible. If I’m going to risk my entire athletic career, he better be worth it.”
“Seriously,” William pressed.
“I am serious. I refuse to change who I am to please people who are bigoted and small minded. Why let them win? I’ve had to put up with this crap my entire life. I wish I could make you black, even just for one day, because that’s not something you can hide. I can’t mosey down the street and pretend to be white—everyone can see that I’m not. In fact, it’s the first thing most people notice. So I’m used to it. All I can do is wait for the world to get over it and start noticing the rest of me.”
William was standing perfectly still, an expression of awe on his face. “Would it be cheesy if I started applauding?”
“Normally,” Kelly said, “but considering that we’re alone out here, go for it.”
William grinned and clapped a few times. Kelly batted his eyelashes and pretended to fan himself, as if all the flattery was causing him to overheat.
“So let’s hear you say it,” Kelly said. “The big scary ‘G’ word. You’re still tiptoeing around it.”
“Okay,” William said. “I’m gangsta!”
“No,” Kelly responded. “You’re definitely not. Come on. For real this time.”
William glanced around, stopping when he noticed the path that had brought them here. “Okay,” he said, “but only if you can beat me in another race. First one to the car!”
“Well?” Kelly said as soon as he was near.
“I’m gay,” William moaned. “And I’m fucking exhausted.”
Kelly smiled. “I have that effect on a lot of people.”
“Most of my friends are girls,” William was saying. “I used to think it would keep anyone from getting suspicious. That’s not the only reason I’m friends with them, of course, but I figured people would think I was 5}
“—a pimp?” Kelly interjected, signaling before turning left into William’s neighborhood. After their run, they had driven around aimlessly, talking about whatever came to mind, although William didn’t seem too eager to discuss his sexuality. Until now, that is.
“Yeah, maybe. Totally backfired since two of my friends have crushes on me, and even my mom is hounding me to choose.”
“So what are you going to do?” Kelly asked.
“Stop bathing,” William said. “I figure if I’m constantly surrounded by a cloud of stink, all my dating troubles will be over.”
Kelly nodded his approval. “Good plan. Is it this turn or the next?” “This one,” William said.
The sun had set during their drive, and as much as they were enjoying themselves, their stomachs rumbled with hunger. Kelly struggled to remember which house was the correct one until he spotted the cherry-red sports car in the driveway. It definitely stood out in this neighborhood. William didn’t live in a shack, but most of the houses in his subdivision were a little worn down. Money wasn’t tossed around carelessly here. Not usually.
