by Jay Bell
Kelly laughed. “It would help if we had actually talked about it. Or if you had made a move sooner.”
“I didn’t want you to think that I thought you were easy!”
“Sounds like you were thinking a little too much.” He paused. “Maybe we both were. So are we just dating, or are we boyfriends?” William blinked. “What’s the difference?”
“Boyfriends means being in a relationship. Dating means you’re playing the field, trying to find the right person. There is no commitment.”
“Boyfriends,” William said firmly. “If that’s okay with you. I know what I want.”
“I know too,” Kelly said, slinging his camera bag over one shoulder. “So, boyfriend, how do you feel about holding hands in public?”
“I’ve never tried it before,” William admitted, reaching out to touch Kelly’s fingers. “But don’t worry, I’ve been told that I’m a fast learner.”
They pulled into the driveway of Kelly’s house, William shutting off the engine and remaining still. And silent, which was odd, since they’d done nothing but talk as they strolled along the Colorado River.
“Don’t tell me you’re nervous about the goodnight kiss,” Kelly teased. “You’ve had plenty of practice tonight.”
William flashed him a smile before growing more somber. “Am I supposed to come inside with you?”
“Uh, you can if you want, but I know for a fact that my mom will be loitering around the living room, hungry for details.”
“Oh.” William looked relieved.
“I could probably sneak you inside somehow,” Kelly said, just to test the waters. Sure enough, William tensed up. Kelly allowed himself a half-smile. “Then again, we don’t have to rush anything.”
William glanced over at him and exhaled. “You’ve done all this before, haven’t you?”
Kelly chewed his bottom lip before he answered. “I don’t have any first times left, if that’s what you mean. I hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah,” William said quickly. “It’s just that everything is new to me. I’ve never even kissed a girl before. I had a girlfriend once, but that was freshman year, and neither of us really had a clue. We were more like friends. Super-awkward friends with nothing in common. So I don’t know what I’m doing, but if I go too slow—”
“There aren’t any rules,” Kelly interrupted. “Whatever works best for you. For us, really. We’ll figure it out together. And if I go too fast, well, I warned you about that when we first met. No one in the school is faster than me.”
William laughed. “I wish tomorrow was Saturday. I want to spend the whole weekend with you. Do you have any plans?”
“I do now.”
“Awesome.” William sighed wistfully. “Too bad we don’t have the same lunch period. Or some of the same classes. Let’s make sure we do next semester.”
“Now who’s moving too fast?” But to show he was teasing, Kelly unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over for a kiss. His entire body reacted, enough that if William wanted to come inside or stay right here for a little action, he wouldn’t have said no. When the kisses felt more like sweet torture, he pulled away.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” William asked.
“Yeah.” Kelly considered him a moment. “You’re the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten. Hey, that’s a first! No one’s given me a white boy as a present before.”
William laughed. “You’re crazy.”
“Yup. And now you’re stuck with me.”
“Good.”
William’s tone left no room for doubt. What they had together, it was good.
Kelly sat down at the lunch table the next day, no longer fearing the ridicule of his teammates. Or how Jared would surely rub the triathlon victory in his face. He could bear all of this negativity and more, because having William changed everything. Kelly had won in a way he had never imagined possible. Even if no one else understood that, their relationship gave him strength.
For the most part, everyone acted glad to see him. Kelly was just starting to relax when Jared showed up, Martha still at his side. Only then did one member of the track team open his big mouth.
“Hey, Kelly, you want a pillow to sit on? I bet your ass is still sore from the whooping it took in the triathlon.”
There were a few laughs, but they were soon cut short. By Jared.
“Shut up,” he said, glowering at the others. “He ran a good race. Better than any of you could have. As usual.”
Kelly tried to mask his surprise. When he nodded his appreciation, Jared nodded back before turning to Martha, who beamed at him like he was a hero. Jared started talking with her, not looking in Kelly’s direction again. So they wouldn’t be friends, it would seem, but they wouldn’t be enemies either. He took some comfort in this, but mostly he felt saddened.
Of course now he had the perfect way of cheering himself up. He knew where to find William after lunch. Just as before, a couple of girls had him cornered outside his biology class, their eyes shining as they chatted away. Kelly felt uncertain as he approached. They hadn’t yet discussed how they would behave in school or how open either of them was willing to be. William certainly didn’t show any apprehension when he spotted Kelly. His face lit up, matching those of the girls around him. They turned, mildly confused as they looked for the girl who roused this reaction. They got their explanation when William stepped forward and reached out a hand. Kelly stared at it for a moment, concerned about the consequences and nearly dumbfounded by just how sweet a gesture it was.
How could he say no?
In the hallway that day, two guys took hold of each other’s hands. They didn’t shake them or arm wrestle or anything else that young men are expected to do. Instead they simply intertwined their fingers and looked into each other’s eyes, the level of emotion apparent to every witness there. In this way, they came out to the entire school without uttering a single word.
Like a cup of coffee or a hot shower, William’s smile was the perfect way to begin the day. Before school, Kelly would often open the front door to discover that smile waiting for him. Or if it was his turn to drive, he would cruise over to William’s house, park in the driveway and sit on the hood of the car, casually waiting for it to appear. And there it would be. That smile, lighting up the world and making Kelly’s insides buzz. He’d had boyfriends before and even thought he’d been in love once or twice. Now Kelly dismissed all those failed relationships because this was different—more than just a hot body and a tumble on the mattress. This was William who was sweet and kind and made everything better just by flashing those pretty white teeth.
And not just in the mornings. Occasionally William would surprise Kelly between classes, or Kelly would seek him out, and although these trysts would scarcely last more than a minute, they were always worth it, mainly because of that happy face. So after nearly a month of this, when the smile failed to appear one morning, Kelly was so startled that he stood up from the hood of his car and took a few steps forward. William’s eyes rose to meet his, but the light there had been extinguished.
“You okay?” Kelly asked.
William nodded, heading for the car with urgency, as if trying to escape rain. Kelly hurried to the driver’s side, looking at him for an answer once they were both inside and seated.
“Just drive,” William instructed. “Please.”
Kelly backed out into the street, noticing Mrs. Townson standing at the front door, her lips pressed together with concern. What was going on? They were halfway to school when Kelly decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled into a shopping center, parking the car in front of a flower store.
“What’s going on?”
For a moment, William stared ahead at a window display of colorful bouquets. His attention remained glued on the flowers, even when he spoke. “I was coming down the stairs this morning when I heard my parents arguing. That’s been pretty common lately, even though they try to hide it from me. This time I spied on them, and they
were talking about—” He stopped, clenching his jaw.
Kelly reached over to take his hand.
William squeezed it, then said the rest with desperate haste, like ripping off an adhesive bandage. “My dad doesn’t want me to live with him.”
Kelly shook his head, not understanding.
“They’re getting a divorce,” William explained. “I didn’t hear them say that, but what else could it be? My mom kept shouting that I deserved a choice, and at first I thought my dad wanted to take me away from her.” William’s voice squeaked. “But the truth is, he doesn’t want me. Even if I begged to live with him, I don’t think he’d agree.”
Kelly struggled to find something to say, some soothing words, but this was too far outside his realm of expertise. His parents rarely argued, and when they did, it was over something stupid like his dad making a mess in the kitchen. His boyfriend was sitting in the passenger seat, fighting to hold back tears, and all Kelly could do was stroke his hand. “I’m sorry,” he managed at last. “Maybe they got caught up in the heat of the moment. People say things that they—”
“My mom is picking me up from school. She and my dad want to talk to me.”
“Did they say why?”
William shook his head.
Kelly leaned back in his seat. “Maybe they’re only taking a break,” he tried. “Separating so they can work through things, but not splitting up completely.”
“Maybe.”
Kelly exhaled. “Let’s skip school. We can go back to my place. We’ll have the house to ourselves, and we can talk about everything. Or we’ll just watch TV. Whatever you need.”
William shook his head. “I don’t want to get in trouble.”
“It’s the last day before winter break,” Kelly said. “No one will care. Tons of people don’t show up. In situations like these, you need to take care of yourself. Give yourself time to think.”
William looked tempted, but then he steeled his jaw. “Things are already bad enough. Let’s go. We’re going to be late.”
Kelly turned away so he could covertly roll his eyes and started the car. William was always doing the right thing, especially if someone else needed help, but rarely did he do what was best for him. What William needed today was to take time out and come to terms with everything. And really, if his parents were getting a divorce, Kelly felt they would cut him a little slack.
“Are you sure?” he tried again. “We could hit the mall. I’ll buy you lunch.”
William just shook his head sullenly. Usually he brightened the day, but today he brought the clouds with him, and Kelly found them hanging over his head too. He took every opportunity to see William between classes, but of course nothing had changed. Only after school did his boyfriend appear slightly more optimistic.
“I bet you’re right,” he said. “It’s only a separation. They need a break. They’ve been together since before I was born. Everyone needs a vacation now and then, right?”
William even tried to smile, but his mother pulled up then, chasing his hopes away.
“Text me,” Kelly said. “As soon as you know something, text me.”
William nodded wordlessly and went to meet his mother.
Kelly’s own family had plans, like they always did on Friday nights. Lately he had been bailing on them, choosing to spend time with William instead. Now he wanted to be near them to make sure nothing had changed. His mother was always fond of choir music at this time of year, associating it with the upcoming holidays. This meant sitting in a cold church and listening to music that made Kelly grind his teeth. He made the best of it anyway, repeatedly looking to his mother and father, who held hands throughout most of the concert. When he wasn’t watching them, Kelly was checking his cell phone, but he didn’t hear a peep from William. Not until late that night when the house had fallen silent.
i need to see you
Okay, Kelly texted back. Where?
can I come over?
Kelly hesitated. He didn’t have a strict curfew, so long as he didn’t abuse his freedom. But his mother preferred a quiet house at night. Even when Jared used to sleep over, they had to keep it down past a certain hour. Then again, he could hardly abandon his boyfriend at a time like this.
Okay. Drive safe.
He sat on the edge of his bed, deciding the news couldn’t be good. Otherwise, William would have texted him something cheerful before making plans for tomorrow. After enough time had passed, he went out to the driveway. A familiar car pulled up soon after. Kelly expected William to look downtrodden, but instead he glowered openly, as if angry with the world. Kelly even took a step back when William marched toward him. So much for his smiling saint. This was someone new.
“He’s gone,” William said, his voice much too loud. “The bastard took off while I was in school.”
“Easy,” Kelly said, glancing around. “Let’s go to the backyard. And try to keep it down, okay?”
“Fine,” William huffed.
He continued to do so as Kelly led him around to the gate in the privacy fence. Their property included a yard that could best be described as long and narrow. This was good, since it put distance between them and the house. They walked all the way to the end, where trees and bushes obscured the other properties from view. An old swing set rusted away in one corner. William headed for it and sat on one of the plastic seats. Kelly joined him, thinking of all the times he and Royal had competed to see who could soar highest.
“They’re getting a divorce.” William gripped the chains so tight that his knuckles lost color. “My dad’s been cheating.”
“Oh shit,” Kelly said. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” William snapped. “He’s the one who needed some woman—some girl nearly my age—to make him feel young again. It’s fucking pathetic! He didn’t even have the guts to face me. He and my mom were supposed to talk it over with me after school. Remember what I heard this morning? How I should have a choice? I don’t think my dad wants to be reminded that he has kids. I wouldn’t want to live with him anyway. I hate him!”
William’s voice cracked. He turned his head away.
Kelly struggled to find some sort of advice. “All you can do is be there for your mom.”
“Yeah,” William said. “I won’t abandon her. And if my father thinks we’re selling the house, he can forget it! He’s not a part of this family anymore.”
Kelly hesitated. “Has there been talk about any of that?”
William exhaled. “I don’t know. My mom kept saying I shouldn’t worry about it. She put on a brave face, which only made me more pissed at him. How could he do this to us?”
“I don’t know,” Kelly said. “I really don’t.”
He reached out a hand and placed it over William’s, which still clung to the chain. The second their skin touched, William jerked away, standing up and walking a few paces. A void opened inside of Kelly. He felt vulnerable, like his heart was exposed to the chilly night air. “What’s going on?” he asked as he stood.
William kept his back to him. “Don’t you get it? My parents used to love each other. You never got to see it, but they were always kissing and saying romantic stuff, even though my brothers and I acted like it was gross. But it wasn’t. My dad always made my mom laugh when she was in a bad mood, and she always took care of him. Just look at them now! Hell, look at your own parents because mine weren’t so different once. And look at us, because even though everything is new, this is our future too. No one thinks of that when first starting out, but it happens. More often than not, relationships fall apart.”
Kelly walked up behind William, about to touch him before hesitating and letting his arm drop. “I won’t let that happen to us. No matter what.”
William spun around, his face crumpled. “I don’t want to be like them!” Then he grabbed hold of Kelly, squeezing him tight. Painfully so, but Kelly took it, because it felt better than when William had pulled away.
“Stay the nig
ht,” Kelly murmured.
William stepped back, uncertainty in his eyes. For a moment Kelly thought he’d say his mother needed him, or something self-sacrificing like that, but instead he nodded. Kelly reached down to take one of William’s hands and led them toward the house. The back door was still unlocked, but he paused before opening the sliding glass door.
“We have to be quiet. Even once we’re in my room.”
William nodded his understanding.
On the way up the stairs, Kelly pictured how the night might go. Should he try to cheer William up? Maybe with some online shopping or silly YouTube videos? He couldn’t imagine either being effective. William probably needed a sympathetic ear. Kelly could listen, but he already knew he wouldn’t have any advice. If their situations were reversed, Kelly would be freaking out right now, like his entire world was falling apart. Obviously William felt the same.
Once they were in Kelly’s room, he shut the door behind them, wondering if he should have headed to the kitchen first. “Are you hungry?” he asked. “Or thirsty? We have—”
He was turning when William’s lips mashed into his. Kelly needed little time to recover. He rested his back against the door as William kissed him and pressed their bodies together. This was nothing new. They had kissed in every way possible in marathon make-out sessions that left Kelly aching with desire. William always retreated in the end, not quite ready. Except now, he didn’t let up. He pawed at the wall next to Kelly’s head until he found the light switch. Then the room went dark, except for the cold glow of the computer monitor.
William dragged him backward toward the bed, and once there, he sat on the mattress and started working on Kelly’s belt. And although Kelly had been fantasizing about this moment for weeks, he forced himself to pull away.
“Hold on,” he said. “Is this what I think it is?”
William nodded, looking hungry.
“Okay,” Kelly said. “Uh, just give me a second.”
William crawled backward onto the bed, a thick bulge in his jeans. Kelly wanted nothing more than to unwrap it and— Wait, that wasn’t true. He wanted one thing more or he’d be tearing open a denim flap right now. Forcing himself to concentrate, he went to the desk and fetched a lighter from one of the drawers. Then he walked around the room, lighting candles that were normally nothing more than decoration. Once this was completed, he returned to the desk and shut off the monitor. Now the room was cast in warmer light. He was wondering if he should put on some music, just in case they were overheard, when William spoke.
