by Jay Bell
Perhaps that was why Kelly kept his mouth shut as William got dressed, not that there was much to put on. A pair of black slacks, dark shiny shoes, and a simple bowtie. He looked more like a stripper about to begin his shift than a waiter. Kelly didn’t ask any questions when Tim drove up wearing the same outfit, nor did he bother with cutting words for Jason, who sat in the passenger seat. Kelly simply climbed in the back and allowed himself to be taken for a ride for just a little longer.
When they arrived at what could only be described as a mansion on the outskirts of Austin, he dismissed it as one more crazy wonder that Jason had conjured from his limitless bag of tricks. Better to take it all in stride, because Kelly’s only other option was to ask William to level with him about everything: his feelings, these strange places, what the evening’s true purpose was...
At the very least, the fundraising party provided ample distraction. When they first arrived, more shirtless waiters than guests were wandering around the spacious ballroom. Everywhere Kelly looked, his eyes met temptation. Hot guys with muscles, cute boys with boney ribs, and even a few pleasantly plump teddy-bear types, ideal for snuggling up to on winter nights. The world seemed to be sending Kelly a message. See how normal it is to be tempted? Gaze upon these delights and tell me you still blame William for wanting to wander.
Except every time Kelly sought out his boyfriend in the increasingly congested crowd, all those other guys failed to compare. William was familiar. Comfortable. Or at least had been. Kelly wasn’t sure he knew him so well anymore. When they made eye contact, Kelly waved him over. William bent his knees once at his side, tilting the tray of hors d'oeuvres to offer what he described as Brandade de Morue au Gratin.
“And what is that exactly?” Kelly asked.
“I think it’s French.” William shrugged, the tray wobbling. “Some big guy in a tuxedo yelled at me until I was able to say it right. All I know is that it smells like fish.” After looking around, he placed the tray on the table and crouched next to Kelly. “You doing all right?”
“I’m having a lovely time,” he lied. Not that the evening had been dire. More than a handful of men had sent amorous glances in his direction, reminding Kelly that many people had once considered him pretty. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt truly attractive. The one guy brave enough to sit at his table had been sent packing, Kelly telling him the empty seats were reserved.
“You should eat something,” William said. “Go on, try one.”
They glanced at the appetizers, which appeared to be blobs of white slime oozing over thin wafers.
“I’ll eat one if you do,” William bartered.
“Promise?”
“Yup”
Kelly smirked. “Okay. You go first.”
William puffed up his chest as if inhaling bravery. Then he took one of the appetizers, tossed it in his mouth, and chewed. Despite his best poker face, his nostrils flared, giving him away. “It’s good,” he said, talking around the food without having swallowed yet. “Try one.”
Kelly narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “It’s disgusting, admit it.”
“It’s not!” William insisted, cheek bulging.
Kelly picked up one of the appetizers. “Then have another.”
William snorted, covering his mouth to stop the food from escaping. Kelly grinned and offered him a napkin so he could spit it out. Once he had, William’s face remained red from embarrassment. Feeling sorry for him, Kelly grabbed one of the ghastly things, popped it in his mouth, and chewed a few times before swallowing.
William’s face twisted up in disbelief like Kelly had just eaten a worm. “Ugh! Gross!”
“It wasn’t so bad. In fact, leave the tray. I’ll finish these myself.” In truth, the appetizers tasted like cold fish congealing in spoiled milk. Not a sensation Kelly would willingly subject himself to again, but choking down one was worth seeing William laugh, his green eyes wet with amusement.
Kelly’s smile faltered. How easy it was to pretend, to get caught up in the moment and believe that everything was okay. And it had been once—every day full of little situations like these that Kelly wished he’d paid more attention to. Now he cherished them. He always would. No matter what happened, he hoped the memories would comfort him more than they hurt. The time to talk had come.
“William—”
“Your attention please!”
They turned to the front of the room, where a tubby man stuffed into a white tuxedo stood on stage. His voice was elegant, his gestures delicate as he continued his speech. “As you all know, the intent of this little soiree tonight is to benefit those who are unable to leave their homes, be it due to illness or other unfortunate circumstances. In order to understand how that feels, let’s bravely go an hour without food, drink, or charming company. I’m going to ask all my waiting staff to kindly leave the room. As they go, please place any remaining beverages on their trays.”
William stood and picked up the tray. “Sorry. You’ll have to finish these later.”
Kelly just stared at him. William wasn’t smiling anymore. He seemed—tense, worried, horny, anything but casual. Eye contact had ceased.
“See you soon,” he said, heading with the other waiters for the kitchen door.
“Never fear!” the portly man on stage continued. “One handsome face will remain, besides mine of course. The rather dashing fire marshal here will oversee our safety during the shut-in, and despite his good looks and charming outfit, I assure you he isn’t a stripper. Now then, as the doors close, please find a seat and give your attention to my dear friend Mr. Wyman, who for some reason has put his shirt back on. What a pity. Regardless, he shall regale us all with tales of how last year’s money was put to good use. So please, take a seat, but before you do, remove those wallets and checkbooks from your pockets. You’ll soon have need of them.”
Kelly stared as Tim took the stage and hugged the man in the white tuxedo before nervously shuffling papers on the podium. The seats at Kelly’s table were filling up, the lights lowering as a video projector was turned on for some sort of presentation. He shook his head as if to clear it, then reached for his crutches and stood, instinct driving him toward the closed kitchen doors.
That’s what all of this was about. The plan was just as convoluted and ridiculous as Tim pretending to be Jason’s boyfriend. Playing waiter, volunteering here tonight, all of it for one hour alone, safe from Kelly’s prying eyes so they could... what? Stare longingly at each other? Kiss? Fuck? Or maybe they just wanted to talk. Kelly couldn’t decide which scenario would sting most, but he wanted to witness it for himself. Doing so would make saying goodbye so much easier.
He reached the kitchen door and yanked on the handle, surprised it was truly locked and that the shut-in wasn’t merely symbolic. He yanked again, just to be sure.
“Can I help you?”
A shadow detached itself from the wall and strolled over to him. Kelly glanced up. The man was tall and had the unmistakable vibe of a bouncer. What sort of a charity event was this?
“I need out,” Kelly said, pulling on the handle again for emphasis.
“Didn’t you hear the announcement?” the man asked. “Hey, are you listening to me?”
Kelly looked over at him again. In the darkness it was hard to make out much. Currently the distant light from the projector was reflected in the man’s eyes, making him appear supernatural. He had a strong jaw covered in stubble and broad shoulders that he not-so-casually used to wedge himself between Kelly and the exit.
“Even if this door wasn’t locked,” the man continued, “it leads to the kitchen, which is off limits. Are you looking for the restroom?”
“Yes,” Kelly said, leaping on the excuse.
“Other side of the room.”
He didn’t budge except to lift one of his crutches, drawing attention to them. “Is it handicap accessible?”
The man’s brow furrowed. “I don’t know. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
“I need support bars mounted on the wall,” Kelly said. “Lots of space too. A normal restroom won’t work for me, so let me out and—” “I’ll support you.”
Kelly stared. “What?”
“I’ll accompany you to the restroom, and if need be, I’ll hold you
up”
Kelly’s jaw dropped. “Do you have any idea how offensive that is?” The man shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t care. You’re not getting through this door. What is it that you really want?” Kelly sighed. “There’s someone in there that I need to talk to.”
“Need?”
“Yes! Need!”
The man huffed. “Trust me, there isn’t anyone you need.”
“Oh really. How would you know that?”
“Because I’ve put a lot of thought into the subject. Hold on.”
The man took some keys out of his pocket, unlocked the door, and slipped inside. Kelly counted to three under his breath before trying the door again. Locked. Powerless to do anything else, he stood there and stared at the wooden surface. God how he wished he still had both legs! If he did, he could dart past the bouncer when the door opened again and run so fast no one could catch him. Instead, when the door opened, he didn’t even try. There was no point. The man was already locking the door again, and when he turned around, one of his large hands held two glasses by the stems and a dark bottle by the neck.
“What’s this supposed to be?” Kelly said.
“Come find out.” The man gestured with his head before walking toward the back of the room. Kelly stared after him a moment before following. He was led to an empty table in one corner. The man pulled out a chair for him, then sat down. He didn’t ask Kelly if he needed help or look up when one of Kelly’s crutches slipped and clattered on the floor. Instead he busied himself with a pocket knife corkscrew, one of his meaty fists twisting until the bottle was open.
“I’m not old enough to drink,” Kelly said.
“Oh no,” the man deadpanned as he poured. “I hope I don’t lose my job over this.”
“You could be arrested. Believe me.”
“So be it.” The man pushed a glass full of shimmering liquid toward him. “Drink up.”
Kelly ignored the glass. “What kind of a bouncer are you?”
The man snorted. “I’m not a bouncer. My name is Nathaniel, and I’m the coordinator of this event. Are you enjoying yourself?”
“No.”
“Good. Now shut up and take a drink so I can have one too. Otherwise, you’ll think I’m rude.”
Kelly watched him a moment longer. Then he picked up the glass. He supposed a toast was in order, so he lifted it and said, “Here’s to not getting what you want.”
Nathaniel nodded appreciatively before taking a swig that drained half the glass. Then his eyes moved to the front of the room, where Tim had stepped aside for a video of people who benefitted from previous donations. Kelly took the opportunity to have a couple sips. White wine. He wasn’t a connoisseur, so any subtleties in flavor were lost on him. Not that it really mattered, his sips becoming gulps. Soon his belly felt warm, his prior urgency ebbing away. He worked on emptying the glass, thankful for the emotional reprieve the alcohol granted him. As a consolation prize, it wasn’t bad. Nathaniel could have chased him away. Instead he’d invited Kelly for a drink. Weird, especially since Nathaniel didn’t seem eager to fill the silence. Maybe they weren’t supposed to talk during the presentation. Still, Kelly felt he should say something.
“It’s great what you’re doing here,” he tried, hoping it sounded generous and not sarcastic.
Nathaniel’s eyes shifted to meet his. “And what is it that you’re doing here? Are you someone’s date?”
“No,” Kelly said, not feeling it was a lie. He was pretty damn sure that he was the third wheel tonight. “I’m not rich either, so don’t try hitting me up for money.”
Nathaniel’s eyes sparkled in amusement. “Then I ask again, why are you here?”
“It’s a mystery,” Kelly said, preferring to be vague. “I’m afraid you’ll never find out. We’ll share this drink together, go our separate ways, and that will be the end of our story.”
Nathaniel nodded. “Fair enough. Of course the drink isn’t over quite yet.” He reached for the bottle to refill their glasses. Then he leaned back, his attention split between the presentation and Kelly. When they did lock eyes, Nathaniel seemed comfortable, but Kelly felt more and more like squirming, because the guy sitting across from him was kind of handsome. Probably an effect of the booze Kelly kept downing. Or the low lighting. Even in the shadow it was clear he was older. How much so? Five years? Ten? Once the lights came up, all the wrinkles and crags would surely reveal themselves. But for now...
“So what about you?” Kelly asked. “Are you someone’s date?”
“I already told you, this is my job.”
“Yes, but it’s not like you can’t bring your boyfriend along. If I was dating you, I’d insist on coming just for the free food. Except for those fish things. Those were gross.”
“Brandade de Morue au Gratin,” Nathaniel said with a perfect French accent.
“Exactly,” Kelly said, sliding his half-empty glass across the table for another refill. “Whoever put those on the menu needs to be fired.”
“I put them on the menu,” Nathaniel said.
“Oh. Well maybe not fired. Uh.”
“It’s perfectly fine,” Nathaniel said, tilting the bottle and pouring. “I was disappointed too. We had to switch caterers at the last minute. I won’t be using them again. And for the record, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t bring him here. Topless waiters, rich old perverts, and bouncers who ply underage boys with booze. Not the most wholesome of environments, is it?”
Nathaniel smiled slowly. Kelly couldn’t help joining him, even if the gesture was fleeting. In the back of his mind, he still worried about what Jason and William were doing. Then again, he was powerless to stop them. Even if he talked Nathaniel into opening that door, they would find some other place and some other time. Kelly was through fighting the inevitable.
“Watch this one,” Nathaniel said, nodding to the front. “It’s good.”
Kelly turned just as a new video segment started. An old woman described her increasing agoraphobia, and how she couldn’t even be in her backyard anymore without being crippled by anxiety. Ironic, since gardening had been her passion. Then the charity foundation had come and built a winter garden—a sort of greenhouse that attached directly to her back door. In this way she was able to be outside again to continue gardening.
“That last shot,” Nathaniel said, “the soil passing through her gnarled old fingers... Beautiful stuff.”
“You like photography?” Kelly asked.
“Something like that.” Nathaniel pushed away from the table. “I’m afraid our time together is over.”
“My glass isn’t empty yet,” Kelly said.
Nathaniel picked up his own and drained it, which seemed a little cold.
Elsewhere, the heavyset man had swept onto stage again. “At least take it off while you’re collecting money!” he said in a stage whisper, tugging at Tim’s shirt. Then he pretended to notice the audience for the first time. “Oh! You’re all still here. How marvelous! And generous. Speaking of which—”
“I have to help collect donations,” Nathaniel said.
The lights had come up again, and all the wrinkles and gray hairs Kelly had imagined were nowhere in sight. Definitely a good-looking guy. Just his type. Sort of like William, but more mature, more masculine. Maybe that’s how William would look in ten years or so. Not that Kelly would be around to witness it.
“You’ll be all right,” Nathaniel said as he stood. It wasn’t a question, but he waited for an answer anyway.
“Yeah,” Kelly said. “Just fine. Especially if you leave the bottle.”
“Not a chance.” Nathaniel picked it up and started to head away before he hesitated
. “You never told me your name.”
“Kelly.”
“Well, Kelly, I’d say it’s nice meeting you, but I guess this is goodbye.”
“I guess so.” He gave his best smile, the kind he was always slinging around when he used to feel invincible.
Nathaniel’s eyes sparkled in return. They were hazel, Kelly noted, just before they left his life forever.
He remained seated, toying with the stem of the glass, twirling it around and watching the liquid swirl in response. He didn’t worry about William or watch the kitchen door, waiting for it to open again. He was over it. As much as possible anyway. Eventually, the shut-in came to an end and the waiters poured back into the room, rewarding generous donations with more food and drinks.
“There you are!” William said, walking around the table to face him. Then his eyes widened. In a hushed voice, he said, “Is that wine?”
“Sure looks like it.”
“You’re going to get in trouble!”
Kelly smirked. Then, doing his best impression of Nathaniel, he said, “So be it.”
William shook his head. “I’ll get you some water. Or maybe a Coke and something to eat.”
Kelly waited until he was gone. Then he chugged the rest of the wine, got up, and headed for the exit. Once out in the night air, he caught sight of an older gay couple walking toward their car.
“Excuse me,” he said, making sure his crutches were in plain sight. “If you’re heading to Austin, would you mind giving me a ride?”
Five minutes later, Kelly was in the back of a luxury sedan, his head still spinning from the alcohol. He stared out the window, the streetlights and trees zooming by. Feeling more liberated than he had for months, Kelly leaned back, made himself comfortable, and closed his eyes.
A muted day. Hardly a word spoken between them. Perfect for an overcast Sunday. Kelly had fallen asleep in a blissful buzz before William had gotten home, and by the time he awoke, the other side of the bed was slept in and unoccupied. When William did show up, he smelled of chlorine, which came as some relief. Without the optimism of alcohol buoying him, Kelly didn’t feel so ready to let go. The idea of William sneaking off with Jason made him feel foolish and vulnerable and somehow less of a man.
