He was a pathetic sight, with his stiff, wet limbs, half in a plastic bag, the red-and-black label with a great surging silver fish across it all that distinguished his head. It was sad, she thought, such a silly, useless death, though he was certainly not the first creature ever to lose his life in an effort to avoid starvation. She touched his hard, cold side at the place where she thought his heart might be; she patted him softly there. “Poor cat,” she said. “While I was tossing around in there worrying about my little heartbreak, you were out here with this.”
And she thought of the wall of her bedroom and how she had fretted on one side of it while death stalked on the other side. Tomorrow his prey might be something big; it might be a man or a child. That night it had just been a cat. But he had stalked all the same and waited and watched. It had taken the cat hours to die, with death cold and patient nearby, waiting for what he could claim; man or beast, it was the same to him.
But that was absurd, she thought. The unyielding flesh beneath her hand told her it was not so. The great fluidity, the sinuousness that was in the nature of these animals, had simply gone out of this one. Death had come from the inside and life had gone out. So that’s it, she thought. She lifted her hand, held it before her, and gazed down into her own palm. “It comes from the inside,” she said.
Anne pushed the bag aside and lifted the dead cat in her arms. She held him in her arms like a dead child and then she laid him in the bag and pulled the sides up over him. She carried him through the yard to the street. Later two men came by in a truck and took the bag away. The cat was gone. It began to rain again and grow colder still. That night, in that city, there was the hardest freeze in fifty years. Pipes burst, houses flooded, and the water pressure was so low that several buildings burned to the ground while the firemen stood about, cursing the empty hoses they held in their cold and helpless hands.
HIS BLUE PERIOD
For anyone who has met Meyer Anspach since his success, his occasional lyrical outbursts on the subject of his blue period may be merely tedious, but for those of us who actually remember the ceaseless whine of paranoia that constituted his utterances at that time, Anspach’s rhapsodies on the character-building properties of poverty are infuriating. Most of what he says about those days is sheer fabrication, but two things are true: He was poor—we all were—and he was painting all the time. He never mentions, perhaps he doesn’t know, a detail I find most salient, which is that his painting actually was better then than it is now. Like so many famous artists, these days Anspach does an excellent imitation of Anspach. He’s in control, nothing slips by him, he has spent the past twenty years attending to Anspach’s painting, and he has no desire ever to attend to anything else. But when he was young, when he was with Maria, no one, including Anspach, had any idea what an Anspach was. He was brash, intense, never satisfied, feeling his way into a wilderness. He had no character to speak of, or rather he had already the character he has now, which is entirely self-absorbed and egotistical. He cared for no one, certainly not for Maria, though he liked to proclaim that he could not live without her, that she was his inspiration, his muse, that she was absolutely essential to his life as an artist. Pursuing every other woman who caught his attention was also essential, and making no effort to conceal those often sleazy and heartless affairs was, well, part of his character.
If struggle, poverty, and rejection actually did build character, Maria should have been an Everest in the mountain range of character, unassailable, white-peaked, towering above us in the unbreathably thin air. But of course she wasn’t. She was devoted to Anspach and so she never stopped weeping. She wept for years. Often she appeared at the door of my studio tucking her sodden handkerchief into her skirt pocket, smoothing back the thick, damp strands of her remarkable black hair, a carrot clutched in her small white fist. I knew she was there even if I had my back to her because the rabbits came clattering out from wherever they were sleeping and made a dash for the door. Then I would turn and see her kneeling on the floor with the two rabbits pressing against her, patting her skirt with their delicate paws and lifting their soft, twitching muzzles to her hands to encourage her tender caresses, which they appeared to enjoy as much as the carrot they knew was coming their way. My rabbits were wild about Maria. Later, when we sat at the old metal table drinking coffee, the rabbits curled up at her feet, and later still, when she got up to make her way back to Anspach, they followed her to the door and I had to herd them back into the studio after she was gone.
I was in love with Maria and we all knew it. Anspach treated it as a joke, he was that sure of himself. There could be no serious rival to a genius such as his, and no woman in her right mind would choose warmth, companionship, affection, and support over service at the high altar of Anspach. Maria tried not to encourage me, but she was so beaten down, so starved for a kind word, that occasionally she couldn’t resist a few moments of rest. On weekends we worked together at a popular restaurant on Spring Street, so we rode the train together, over and back. Sometimes, coming home just before dawn on the D train, when the cars came out of the black tunnel and climbed slowly up into the pale blush of morning light over the East River, Maria went so far as to lean her weary head against my arm. I didn’t have the heart, or was it the courage, ever to say the words that rattled in my brain, repeated over and over in time to the metallic clanking of the wheels: “Leave him, come to me.” Maria, I judged, perhaps wrongly, didn’t need her life complicated by another artist who couldn’t make a living.
I had the restaurant job, which paid almost nothing, though the tips were good, and one day a week I built stretchers for an art supply house near the Bowery, where I was paid in canvas and paint. That was it. But I lived so frugally I was able to pay the rent and keep myself and the rabbits in vegetables, which was what we ate. Maria had another job, two nights a week at a Greek restaurant on Atlantic Avenue. Because she worked at night she usually slept late; so did Anspach. When they got up, she cooked him a big meal, did the shopping, housekeeping, bill paying, enthused over his latest production, and listened to his latest tirade about the art establishment. In the afternoon Anspach went out for an espresso, followed by a trip downtown to various galleries, where he berated the owners if he could get near them or the hired help if he couldn’t. Anspach said painting was his vocation, this carping at the galleries was his business, and he was probably right. In my romantic view of myself as an artist, contact with the commercial world was humiliating and demeaning; I couldn’t bear to do it in the flesh. I contented myself with sending out pages of slides every few months, then, when they came back, adding a few new ones, switching them around, and sending them out again.
On those afternoons when Anspach was advancing his career, Maria came to visit me. We drank coffee, talked, smoked cigarettes. Sometimes I took out a pad and did quick sketches of her, drowsy over her cigarette, the rabbits dozing at her feet. I listened to her soft voice, looked into her dark eyes, and tried to hold up my end of the conversation without betraying the sore and aching state of my heart. We were both readers, though where Maria found time to read I don’t know. We talked about books. We liked cheerful, optimistic authors—Kafka, Céline, Beckett. Maria introduced me to their lighthearted predecessors, Hardy and Gissing. Her favorite novel was Jude the Obscure.
She had come to the city when she was seventeen with the idea that she would become a dancer. She spent six years burying this dream beneath a mountain of rejection, though she did once get as close as the classrooms of the ABT. At last she concluded that it was not her will or even her ability that held her back, it was her body. She wasn’t tall enough and her breasts were too large. She had begun to accept this as the simple fact it was when she met Anspach and dancing became not her ambition but her refuge. She continued to attend classes a few times a week. The scratchy recordings of Chopin, the polished wooden floors, the heft of the barre, the sharp jabs and rebukes of the martinet teachers, the cunning little wooden blocks that disfig
ured her toes, the smooth, tight skin of the leotard, the strains, pains, the sweat, all of it was restorative to Maria; it was the reliable world of routine, secure and predictable, as different from the never-ending uproar of life with Anspach as a warm bath is from a plunge into an ice storm at sea.
Anspach had special names for everyone, always designed to be mildly insulting. He called Maria Mah-ree, or Miss Poppincockulous, a perversion of her real surname, which was Greek. Fidel, the owner of a gallery Anspach browbeat into showing his paintings, was Fido. Paul, an abstract painter who counted himself among Anspach’s associates, was Pile. My name is John, but Anspach always called me Jack; he still does. He says it with a sharp punch to it, as if it is part of a formula, like “Watch out, Jack” or “You won’t get Jack if you keep that up.” Even my rabbits were not rabbits to Anspach but “Jack’s-bun-buns,” pronounced as one word with the stress on the last syllable. If he returned from the city before Maria got home, he came straight to my studio and launched into a long, snide monologue, oily with sexual insinuation, on the subject of how hard it was to be a poor artist who couldn’t keep his woman at home because whenever he went out to attend to his business she was sure to sneak away to visit Jack’s-bun-buns, and he didn’t know what was so appealing about those bun-buns, but his Miss Poppincockulous just couldn’t seem to get enough of them. That was the way Anspach talked. Maria didn’t try to defend herself, and I was no help. I generally offered Anspach a beer, which he never refused, and tried to change the subject to the only one I knew he couldn’t resist, the state of his career. Then he sat down at the table and indulged himself in a flood of vitriol against whatever galleries he’d been in that day. His most frequent complaint was that they were all looking for pictures to hang “over the couch,” in the awful living rooms of “Long Island Jane and Joe” or “Fire Island Joe and Joey.” He pronounced Joey “jo-ee.” Sometimes if he suspected I had another beer in the refrigerator, Anspach would ask to see what I was painting. Then and only then, as we stood looking at my most recent canvas, did he have anything to say worth hearing.
I don’t know what he really thought of me as a painter, but given his inflated opinion of his own worth, any interest he showed in someone else was an astonishing compliment. I know he thought I was facile, but that was because he was himself a very poor draftsman, he still is, and I draw with ease. Anspach’s gift was his sense of color, which even then was astounding. It was what ultimately made him famous; then Anspach’s passion for color was all that made him bearable. It was the reason I forgave him for being Anspach.
His blue period started in the upper right-hand corner of a painting titled Napalm, which featured images from the Vietnam War. A deep purple silhouette of the famous photograph of a young girl fleeing her burning village was repeated around the edges like a frame. The center was a blush of scarlet, gold, and black, like the inside of a poppy. In the upper corner was a mini-landscape: marsh grass, strange, exotic trees, a few birds in flight against an eerie, unearthly sky. The sky was not really blue but a rich blue-green with coppery undertones, a Renaissance color, like the sky in a painting by Bellini.
“How did you get this?” I asked, pointing at the shimmery patch of sky.
“Glazes,” he said. “It took a while, but I can do it again.” He gazed at the color with his upper teeth pressed into his lower lip, a speculative, anxious expression in his open, innocent eyes. Anspach fell in love with a color the way most men fall in love with a beautiful, mysterious, fascinating, unattainable woman. He gave himself over to his passion without self-pity, without vanity or envy, without hope really. It wasn’t the cold spirit of rage and competitiveness that he showed for everything and everyone else in his world. It was unselfish admiration, a helpless opening of the heart. This blue-green patch, which he’d labored over patiently and lovingly, was in the background now, like a lovely, shy young woman just entering a crowded ballroom by a side door, but she had captured Anspach’s imagination, and it would not be long before he demanded that all the energy in the scene revolve around her and her alone.
In the weeks that followed, as that blue moved to the foreground of Anspach’s pictures, it sometimes seemed to me that it was draining the life out of Maria, as if it were actually the color of her blood and Anspach had found some way to drain it directly from her veins onto his canvas.
One summer evening, after Anspach had drunk all my beers and Maria declared herself too tired and hot to cook, we treated ourselves to dinner at the Italian restaurant underneath my loft. There we ran into Paul Remy and a shy, nearsighted sculptor named Mike Brock, whom Anspach immediately christened Mac. Jack-and-Mac became the all-purpose name for Mike and myself, which Anspach used for the rest of the evening whenever he addressed one of us. After the meal Anspach invited us all to his loft to drink cheap wine and have a look at his latest work. It was Maria’s night off; I could see that she was tired, but she encouraged us to come. She had, she explained, a fresh baklava from the restaurant we should finish up, as it wouldn’t keep. So up we all went, grateful to pass an evening at no expense, and I, at least, was curious to see what Anspach was up to.
The loft had once been a bank building. Anspach and Maria had the whole second floor, which was wide open from front to back with long double-sashed windows at either end. The kitchen was minimal: a small refrigerator, a two-burner stove, an old, stained sink that looked as though it should be attached to a washing machine, and a low counter with a few stools gathered around it. Their bedroom was a mattress half hidden by some curtains Maria had sewn together from the inevitable Indian bedspreads of that period. The bathroom was in pieces, three closets along one wall. One contained a sink and mirror, one only a toilet, and the third opened directly into a cheap shower unit, the kind with the flimsy plastic door and painted enamel interior, such as one sees in summer camps for children. In the center of the big room was a battered brick-red couch, three lawn chairs, and two tables made of old crates. Anspach’s big easel and paint cart were in the front of the long room facing the street windows. The best thing about the place was the line of ceiling fans down the middle, left over from the bank incarnation. It was hellish outside that night, and we all sighed with relief at how much cooler the loft was than the claustrophobic, tomato-laced atmosphere of the restaurant.
Maria put on a record, Brazilian music, I think, which made the seediness of the place seem less threatening, more exotic, and she poured out tumblers of wine for us all. The paintings Anspach showed us fascinated me. He was quoting bits from other painters, whom he referred to as “the Massas,” but the color combinations were unexpected and everywhere there was a marvelous balance of refined technique and sheer serendipity. These days he fakes the surprise element, but his technical skill has never failed him. When Anspach talked about paint, it was like a chemist talking about drugs. He knew what was in every color, what it would do in combination with other mediums, with oil, with thinner, on canvas, on pasteboard. He could give a quick rundown on all the possible side effects. Even then he didn’t use much in the way of premixed colors; he made his own. His blue was underpainted with cadmium yellow, covered with a mix of phthalo green and Prussian blue and a few opalescent glazes that he called his “secret recipe.” The images were recondite, personal. I was pleased to see that he was leaving the Vietnam subject matter behind with the cadmium red he’d given up in favor of the blue. The blue allowed him to be less strident, more interior. He pointed at a section of one large canvas in which a woman’s hands were grasping the rim of a dark blue hole—was she pulling herself out or slipping in? The hands were carefully, lovingly painted, extraordinarily lifelike. “That,” Anspach said, “is what I call painterly.”
Paul turned to Maria. “Did he make you hang from the balcony?” he asked, for of course we all knew the hands were hers.
“Something like that,” she said.
Later, when we were sitting in the lawn chairs and Maria changed the record to something vaguely Mediter
ranean, interrupted now and then by a high-pitched male voice screaming in agony, Anspach caught me watching her. I was looking at the long, beautiful curve of her neck—she had her hair pulled up because of the heat—and the prominent bones at the base of her throat, which gleamed in the dim lamplight as if they’d been touched by one of his secret opalescent glazes.
Anspach shot me a look like a dagger. “Miss Mah-ree,” he began. “Oh, Miss Mah-ree, dat music is so nice. Why don’t you do a little dance for us boys, Miss Mah-ree, Miss Poppincockulous, I know these boys would love to see the way you can dance, wouldn’t you, Jack-and-Mac? Mr. Jack-and-Mac would especially like to see our Miss Mah-ree do a little dance to dat nice music.”
Maria looked up. “Don’t be silly,” she said.
Anspach refilled his glass. Cheap wine brings out the worst in everyone, I thought. Then he swallowed a big mouthful and started up again, this time a little louder and with a wounded, edgy quality to his voice, like a child protesting injustice. “Oh, Miss Mah-ree, don’t say I’m being silly, don’t say that. Don’t say you won’t dance for us boys, because we all want you to dance so much to dat nice music, and I know you can, Miss Mah-ree, Miss Poppincockulous, I know you like to dance for all the boys and you can take off your shirt so all the boys can see your pretty breasts, because she does have such pretty baboobies, don’t you know, boys. Mr. Jack-and-Mac and Mr. Pile, I know you boys would love to see Miss Mah-ree’s pretty baboobies, especially you, Mr. Jack-and-Mac. Miss Mah-ree, don’t say no to these nice boys.”
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