by London Casey
But the second I saw River standing at that big-ass rock, I felt like my destination was in sight. And nobody understood that. Nobody but River.
I looked over at him and watched the way he gripped the wheel. It was stupid, but there was something about his grip, seeing veins in his hand, up his arm to where his tattoos started. The way the sleeve of his t-shirt fit so snug around his big arms.
“Did you really build that cabin?” I asked.
River looked at me, then back ahead quickly. “It’s not that easy of an answer.”
“Why? Are you afraid of what I’ll say back?”
“No. The truth is, yeah, I built the cabin. Most of it, at least. Took a long time to do.”
“Wow.”
“But it wasn’t for you,” he said with a grin.
“Oh?”
“The guy that owns all that land. He asked me to build it. I got to know him from going up there. He had a rough patch in life and sold everything he had and bought a shit-ton of land. He was a really successful realtor. Probably a millionaire. I ran into him a few times and he said he wanted to build something closer to the road. Hell, I thought he was going to knock down the old house. Well, I think he was planning on that.”
River glanced at me for a brief second.
“That’s still standing?”
“Yeah,” River said. “Don’t know how. But it is.”
I made a small o with my lips and exhaled. The memories in that old house. The things I learned about River. A man’s body. The things I learned about my own body.
I had to look out the window for a second.
“So he put me up to the job,” River said. “I mean, I don’t know much about construction. He had other guys there. But he just knew that the area meant something to me. And it was, uh, nice to have something to do. I was getting settled into town and with St. Skin. It was a hectic time for me. Wouldn’t have taken much for me to fall off the rails a little.”
“What rails, River?” I asked.
“The ones that keep me from getting into trouble, Lacey.”
“I heard a rumor that you were in jail for a little while.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” River said. “This is going to be a give-and-take conversation, darling. I just gave you something about my past. Now I’m taking some of yours. How’d you end up on Karen’s couch, across the country?”
I laughed, but it was a sad laugh. “I just kind of gave up on things, River. Got tired of it all.”
“Tired of what?”
River made a right turn, taking us off the road and onto the dirt path that led to the cabin, the rock, the old abandoned house.
“Everything,” I whispered. “My life was on display, and I was just pushed and told where to go. Somedays I could deal with it. I would convince myself to imagine the bigger picture. Being a doctor. Being respected. Making my parents happy. You know, the normal stuff. The house, dog, kids, driveway.”
“Driveway?” River asked.
“Just something I pictured. A house with a nice driveway. I don’t know.”
I saw the way his hands gripped the wheel tighter. I was describing everything I had before to him, only he couldn’t give it to me then. But that was okay. It didn’t bother me—then or now. I wasn’t that kind of person.
“I saw the way my parents were, too. They constantly had to reassure themselves that they belonged together. That’s not marriage or love. That’s convenience. They knew everything about each other, and it made sense to be together. I didn’t want that.”
“But you had it,” River said.
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” River said. “Nothing. Keep going.”
We were approaching the cabin. I picked at the edge of the seat of his truck. There was so much to tell. The truth wasn’t just one layer. This went deep. Really deep. I had been proposed to once. I had taken off. I had sort of fallen for another guy. And that guy had died.
I looked at River. My bottom lip started to quiver.
“It was just hard for me, okay?” I whispered. “Everything was hard for me. I spent so much time stuck between a dream and a reality. The dream was you, River. Forever you. Hoping you’d pop out of nowhere to surprise me.” I hurried to reach for his hand. He made the right turn into the stone driveway, and his truck faced the cabin. “I don’t blame you though. Please know that. We were young and crazy when we started making promises.”
River pulled his hand from mine. He then forced our hands to face one another, our fingers slowly interlocking.
“Yet here we are, crazy promises and all,” he said. “What was your reality then, Lacey?”
“Exactly what I just told you. Someone else. The house. The life. The convenience.”
River swallowed hard. “You should have taken it all. You deserve it all, Lacey. I hope you know that.”
“What if I’m right where I’m supposed to be?”
The cabin of the truck suddenly shot up about a hundred degrees. My breathing started to feel a little funky, too. Staring into River’s eyes brought back all those hopeless butterfly feelings wrestling in my stomach. Those same feelings I used to get when he’d take me to the abandoned house. Right before we’d start to touch…
River reached out and touched my hair. He slid some behind my ear. His fingers eased to the back of my head. I already planned on kissing him, but I wanted to feel him pull me. I wanted to feel what it was like to truly be wanted. Needed. Demanded.
I craved that sense of attention, and River’s eyes and innuendos were flooding me with all of that.
River started to lean in on me. Then he paused. “And what was the reality for you, Lacey?”
I slowly shook my head. “That’s the thing. There was no reality. It was just this life in front of me that I didn’t want. I got to a point where I couldn’t take it, River. I felt like I was drowning, and everyone around me knew how to swim. I knew the risk of talking about how I felt…and then it all caught up to me at once. I left. I went to go find a new reality.”
“Did you find it?”
“Not the way I had hoped.”
River moved in even closer. I’d never felt such anticipation with a man before. It was like River knew what another kiss between us would do, and he was giving me the chance to break apart.
Our lips got even closer. Just a few centimeters apart.
Then came the sound of a boom.
Like a boulder had dropped onto the hood of the car.
I didn’t mean to scream like I did. It was just instinct. I looked forward as River did.
There was a man standing at the front of his truck. He was all unkempt, almost homeless-looking.
“Do you know that guy?” I asked.
“That’s Richie,” River said with his lip curled. “He’s the guy that owns everything up here.”
I exhaled and touched my chest. I didn’t know what had my heart racing more—the guy hitting the hood of the truck or being so close to kissing River.
Richie put his hands to the hood and started to play some kind of drumbeat.
River then gave the horn a beep, and Richie jumped back.
He then walked along the side of the truck to River’s window.
River put the window down to greet him.
“Did I interrupt something?” Richie asked with a smile.
“Never knew you to be a joking man,” River said.
“Jack of all trades,” Richie said. “Hey, you’re all set in there, River. You’re on your own with the firewood, though. I’ll stock the cabinets and fridge, but I’m not carrying firewood for you. Brought enough down for a little while though. You might want to get that inside. Heard there’s a nasty storm coming. Keep your eyes open for fallen trees.”
“Thanks, Richie,”
I took in the conversation.
Did River have Richie get food and supplies? For us? Was that a romantic gesture or just a gesture of survival?
“You owe me,” Richie said.
“Put it on my tab,” River said. “And if I’m not mistaken, don’t you owe me for building this thing?”
“Now, to be fair, River,” Richie said with a bearded smile, “you were the one on the ‘trespassing’ list for how many years up here? If I charged by the hour even, oh, I would be a rich man.” Then Richie looked at me. “He spent a lot of time waiting for you, sweetheart. Hope it’s all worth it.”
“That’s enough, Richie,” River said. “Thank you for helping me. Now go hike up that mountain and disappear.”
“I’m serious about the storm, River,” Richie said. “Get yourselves all settled and stay in until it passes.”
“Noted,” River said.
Richie patted the open window, then pushed away. He disappeared for a few seconds, only to reappear in a massive, beat-up truck. It looked like a monster truck almost. He sped away and was swallowed up by the trees.
River threw open his door, and it made a groaning, growling kind of sound.
I grabbed for him, wanting to know what his intentions were, but he slipped away.
I got out of the truck and looked up to the skies. It was pretty clear out. Not that the weather actually mattered.
River grabbed all of our stuff.
I chased him down.
“Did you plan all this?” I asked.
River stopped dead in his tracks. He looked back at me. “Of course I did. I’ve been waiting for this for years, Lacey. I’m not going to hold back and waste another second.”
His words cut through my heart and soul as he walked into the cabin.
I was left behind.
When I looked up at the sky again, clouds were moving in.
There was a storm coming.
Not just up in the sky either.
River
PRESENT DAY
I threw the bags into the bedroom. I’d deal with that situation when it came. Worst case, I’d sleep on the couch. I checked the fridge and cabinets, and I had to hand it to Richie. He did a good job helping me out. The move may have been hopeless and teetering on desperate, but I had no choice. If I was getting Lacey alone, even for one night, it was going to be everything I had been waiting for.
I grabbed a beer and turned to find Lacey in the doorway to the kitchen.
“Want a drink?” I asked.
“No thanks,” she said. “I’m a little chilly.”
“I can build us a fire if you’d like.”
“Sure.”
“I have to bring all that firewood in anyway.”
“What are we doing here, River?”
The question was from left of field, but I was ready to deal with it.
I walked across the kitchen and put my beer on the counter. I left less than a foot between me and the only woman I’d ever really loved in life.
“You tell me,” I said.
“You really kept coming up here? That man said you were here hours…”
“Day until night,” I admitted.
“What did you do while waiting?” she asked me.
I reached into my pocket. No, I wasn’t reaching for an engagement ring. Although the thought of Lacey wearing nothing but a diamond ring was enough to make me harden immediately. Instead, I took out a key and showed it to her.
“What is that?”
“I use it to cut into a few trees, for fun,” I said. “But this key…I owned my own tattoo shop. After my life took a wicked twist, I fought back. I had a little place on the beach. Right there on the beach, Lacey. This awesome little place. Anyone would kill to have it. But it was just a filler. Took up time while I waited for you.”
She reached out and touched my hand with the key in it. I then opened her hand and put the key into her palm. I shut her hand and took mine away.
“It’s yours anyway,” I said. “All of it.”
“All of what?” she asked.
“Me, darling. Me.”
I touched her face, tracing lines down her soft cheek. She grabbed at my shirt with her free hand. She had a damn handful as she pulled at me.
“You’re hiding still,” I whispered. “Whatever it is, don’t hide it. Not from me.”
“Do we have a chance at this, River?”
“We have a chance at anything you want.”
“I feel lost, River. I mean, with everything in my life.”
“But you’re right here,” I said. “You said it to me in the truck. You’re meant to be here.”
“And we’re meant to be what?”
“I’ll be whatever you need,” I said. “I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not asking you to love me. I’m not asking you to live with me.”
“Then what are you asking for, River?”
“Just to be in your presence,” I said. “Because it’s the only time I feel alive, and I feel okay.”
I stepped back, needing to put distance between us.
As romantic as I wanted that moment to be, I had to be honest. I was fucking on fire. A hot rage of lust coursed through my veins, searing me to my core. My hands balled up into fists. Between my legs, my dick was seething. I was filling up faster than I cared for it to happen. I wanted to take Lacey back to the only place of pleasure I knew.
I grabbed the beer bottle with force and turned to go out the back door of the cabin.
I threw the bottle back and chugged. One beer wasn’t going to control how I felt. One beer wasn’t going to hide my feelings. One beer wasn’t to take away everything I had pent-up in me.
I stopped at the pile of firewood that Richie had dumped for me.
I put the beer down in the dirt and crouched.
I filled my arms to capacity and stood up.
As I walked around to the front of the cabin, I spotted Lacey. She was biting on her nail. Almost hugging herself, her index finger nail in her mouth.
Fuck.
The last time I saw her to do that, she had just gotten done telling me she was being forced to move to New York with her family.
I walked up the porch and into the cabin.
At the fireplace, I crouched and dumped the wood. I slowly piled it up piece by piece, wondering what to do next. Everything in my mind was all fucked up. I thought she’d show up ready for me. I’d give the ring. We’d have time together. Nothing but time.
But she was afraid of something. She was holding back, hiding herself.
Maybe she thought I would end up hurting her.
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself.
I would never hurt her.
I would spend my life trying not to hurt her.
That’s why I never…
I heard the soft, gentle roll of thunder outside.
I jumped up and hurried back outside.
I got another pile of firewood as I felt the first few raindrops hit my skin.
I dumped them back inside and came out for the rest.
By then, it was starting to really rain.
I looked up and couldn’t believe how fast the storm had swept right in.
A small gust of wind whipped by me, making the rain go sideways for a couple seconds, smacking the side of the cabin.
The wind stopped, but the rain only came down harder and faster. Standing there like a fool meant the top pieces of wood were now too wet to try and burn. They’d just sizzle, bubble, and never really catch.
Lacey appeared from the front of the cabin, standing there in the rain.
No, no, no, no.
I couldn’t see her like that. Standing there. The rain hitting her. Her beautiful hair soaking wet, clinging to her head, face, her clothes. Her white shirt was soaked too, pulling tighter against her womanly figure.
“I’ve been lost from the day I was forced to leave you,” she said. “I’m afraid of being found, River, but I never want to go through being lost again. Call me what you want, but it’s almost easier to convince myself it’ll be okay even when I don’t know that it will be okay.”
I just stood there.
I swallowed hard.
<
br /> “I almost died a few times, darlin’. Just wanting to give it all up. To find a way to lose myself for good. The only thing that kept me going through the worst of it all was coming here. To this spot. Standing there. Waiting for you. It was the one day of the year when I felt really alive.”
“So, we just let all those years between us waste away? Never chasing each other down? What kind of love is that?”
Thunder slammed against the sky. The storm was getting closer. I gritted my teeth as I stared at Lacey. I wasn’t falling in love with her again, because I never fell out of love with her. But seeing her standing there, the rain soaking her, it was like we were being washed clean of everything.
“I can’t answer that question,” I said. “I know why I did what I did. I can’t change that.”
“To protect me.”
“I wanted you to have the best life possible. The house. The fence. The driveway. Whatever you wanted. A guy like me…”
“A guy like you who has lived his dreams,” she said. “That’s what I wanted. You, River. You!”
She came charging at me. The rain picked up even more. The sound of it hitting leaves, branches, the cabin. It was a loud swooshing sound at that point.
“Me? I’m standing right here, Lacey.”
“But you weren’t when I needed you!” she yelled.
Fuck, she was finally letting shit go. Letting shit out.
It was a beautiful sight, even if I was in the crosshairs.
“You were goddamn drunk!” she yelled.
She screamed over the rain. Over the thunder. A flash of lightening spread across the sky. A handful of seconds later, a crack of thunder shook the world so hard the ground shivered.
“You blurted out about meeting in ten years!” she said. “Ten fucking years! What was I supposed to do? Just walk away and pretend like it was okay? Like nothing bad was going to happen? And you wanted me to just…what? Stop loving you? Marry someone else? Fuck you, River. Fuck you!”
She jumped at me. Her hands smashed against the top pieces of wood. A piece smacked my bottom lip. Then her hands pushed at my shoulders, and she jumped up to hit me there. I purposely stumbled back, giving enough room between us that I could drop all the wood in my hands without having a piece hit her.
