‘Is that still in the balance?’
She looked away, her heart pounding suddenly. ‘I don’t know. So—will you come? I’m not sure I want you in with me, but—maybe, just in case...?’
Something a little desolate flickered in his eyes, and then he nodded. ‘I’ll be there. I said I would, and I don’t break my promises.’
He pulled his watch out of his pocket, glanced at it and swore. ‘Come on, we need to get back. I’ve got a shedload of paperwork to do for Tom.’
He drained his coffee, crumpled up the muffin case and lobbed it and the cup into the bin.
* * *
‘Do you need to debrief?’
Sam sighed quietly and swung the chair round so he could see James. ‘Why does everyone think I need to talk about it?’
James dropped into a chair and tilted his head on one side. ‘Everyone?’
‘Well—Kate, anyway.’
‘Ah. Yes. Kate. How well do you know her?’
Well enough to make a baby.
‘Hardly at all. I met her the night I stayed over to see the boat guy. I’d checked into a hotel, went for a drink, she was in the pub. We had a meal together.’
James gave him the unnervingly level stare that was his trademark, and Sam held it with effort.
‘She’s a nice girl,’ his friend said quietly. ‘She’s got a ridiculously kind heart and appalling judgement, which is a lousy combo. She doesn’t always make good decisions.’
No. She hadn’t done that weekend, anyway, or they wouldn’t be in this—no. Not mess. Situation. To call it a mess wasn’t fair to the baby, and didn’t really sum up the full implications. He wasn’t sure ‘situation’ did, either, but he wasn’t getting into any of that with James.
‘She is a nice girl. She said you’d been keeping us apart. And that you’d told her I was broken. Cheers for that.’
James winced. ‘Ah, yes. That. I was just—’
‘Warning her off?’
‘She’s—vulnerable. And she’s been hurt badly in the past. A married man, the archetypal love rat, amongst others.’
He winced. ‘Did she know he was married?’
‘No. She had no idea, and she was devastated. Like I said, she’s a lousy judge of character where men are concerned, and she had a troubled childhood, too. Life’s been pretty crap for her, really. She’s had a lot to deal with.’
‘So I gathered, but haven’t we all?’ he said, making a mental note to delve more into her past. ‘You, me, Connie. We’ve all lost someone we loved.’
‘I guess so, but that was different. We haven’t been betrayed, and, anyway, you’re still grieving so a complicated person like Kate is the last thing you need.’ James stood up and laid a hand on his shoulder. ‘You know, you don’t have to eat out every night. You’re more than welcome to join us. Connie was complaining she wasn’t seeing enough of you.’
He gave a soft laugh. ‘Early days yet. She’ll soon be sick of the sight of me. I’ll be around tomorrow. I’m off all day, I thought I’d work on the boat.’
‘OK. Just...’
‘Just?’
‘Be careful with Kate. I know you’re seeing her, you can’t keep anything private in a hospital no matter how discreet you are, but I don’t want to see either of you get hurt.’
Too late. In just six months, God willing, he and Kate would have a baby. Too late to worry about not getting hurt. The repercussions were off the Richter scale.
‘Don’t worry, James,’ he lied, wondering why the words didn’t choke him. ‘We’re taking it nice and slowly.’ Now the damage was done...
James grunted, patted his shoulder again and went out, and Sam went back to work.
* * *
‘James warned me not to hurt you today.’
Kate blinked and turned towards him, vegetable knife in hand. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah. I told him what you’d said about me being broken, and—well, basically he justified it by telling me that you have crap judgement where men are concerned and you had a crap childhood and don’t mess with you.’
She sighed crossly and went back to hacking up the carrots. ‘He really is the soul of discretion. I don’t know where he gets his nerve.’
Sam laughed and hugged her, then took the knife off her and shouldered her gently out of the way. ‘He’s all right. He means well. I think he’s very fond of you. What are you making, by the way?’
‘A stir fry—and I doubt that he’s fond of me, more likely worried I’ll cause trouble.’ She sat down at the table and let him take over the veg prep, since he was doing such a good job of it. ‘So what else did he say about me?’
The knife kept moving. ‘Something about a married man—no details, just that he was the archetypal love rat.’
‘Hmph. Nicely summed up. He was a locum radiologist, and he—well, let’s just say he never mentioned his wife, and when I found out, he moved on to an agency nurse with bigger boobs. The only comforting thing was that at least mine are real.’
That made him laugh, as it was meant to, but he shook his head as well and gave her a wry glance over her shoulder. ‘I don’t know how you can joke about it. I would have happily killed him for you. And, for what it’s worth, there’s nothing—nothing—wrong with your body. Any of it.’
He looked away before she could read his expression, but his words had left her with a warm glow, and she nursed a secret smile for a moment.
‘So how well does James know you?’ she asked, and he shrugged and carried on slicing.
‘A bit. Connie knows me better, but they were both there for me when it got really tough and I owe them.’
‘How did you meet them?’
‘At her first husband’s funeral. He was a bomb disposal officer, and when Saffy got caught up in a controlled explosion, Joe felt really guilty, and he brought the dog to me. He shouldn’t have done it, Saffy should have been shot at the scene, but we cleaned her up, Joe nursed her back to health and everyone kept shtum while he tried to get her brought home.
‘And then he got caught in another blast. I was the first medic on the scene, and I watched him bleed out into the sand with not a damn thing I could do about it. His body was flown home with some injured men, and I went to his funeral. Connie was there, obviously, and so was James. He’d known them both for years, introduced them to each other, apparently. Anyway, then she came out to Camp Bastion and worked alongside me to try and make sense of the senseless waste of life. I’m not sure she managed it, or if any of us ever do, but we became friends, and Kerry and I went to their wedding, and when Kerry died they were there for me. Like I said, I owe them.’
‘Gosh. No wonder they care so much about you. I haven’t got any friends like that. Well, maybe Annie.’
‘Shackleton?’
She nodded. ‘She’s been great since I found out about the baby. Really supportive, but I was there for her when she and Ed were going through a tough time. Do you know he’s got the Huntington’s gene?’
He frowned over his shoulder. ‘Really? But she’s pregnant.’
‘I know, but he’s only a carrier, he won’t get it, and they had to have IVF to screen the embryos, which was pretty gruelling. I’m so happy for them. Ed wanted kids so much—well, that’s pretty obvious since he’s a paediatrician. I guess you and Kerry wanted them, too, from what you’ve said.’
He stopped slicing, turned towards her and leant back against the worktop, his hands rested on the edge. ‘Yeah. Yeah, we did. Me, probably, more than Kerry. It was the driver behind us getting married rather than just carrying on as we were, but as it turns out, she probably wouldn’t have survived pregnancy anyway with her heart condition.’
‘Oh, Sam.’
She got up and went over to him, putting her arms round him and leaning into
him, her head on his chest. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, me, too. It’s ironic that I’ve sort of got my way in a way I would never have imagined.’ His arms came round her, and he rested his head on hers. ‘I’m sorry I got you into this situation, Kate. I know it’s the last thing you want, but I really mean it, I will be here for you, and one thing you can be sure of, I’m not a love rat.’
She nodded, and lifted her head to meet his eyes. They were gentle, full of regret but also sincerity, and she knew she could believe in him. She just wished she could believe in herself.
‘I know that.’ She kissed his cheek, stepped back and picked up the knife. ‘Come on, I’m starving, let’s get this food cooked.’
* * *
The next day was glorious, so he went out early for a run along the sea wall with only the gulls for company.
He didn’t have to worry about Kate, because she was working the morning shift and wanted a quiet afternoon alone—to think about what the next day might bring? Very likely. He would have done. Which meant he had no excuse not to spend the day tackling the boat as he’d said.
Not that that task wasn’t long overdue. Time to have a really, really close look at what he’d bought, and while he was doing that he could try and get his head round how he felt about Kate.
Confused, mostly, although his body wasn’t. He was still aching to drag her into his arms at every opportunity, and only an iron determination had stopped him from talking his way into her bed last night, but he needed distance from her until she’d made her decision. If she decided on a termination—
Dammit, he couldn’t let her do that. Although he had no idea how to stop her. No right to stop her. That was the really scary thing. And yet, having seen her with patients, he knew she was soft-hearted and filled with the sort of kindness and warmth that made a perfect mother. Maybe she just didn’t realise it?
He put it out of his mind and got the tools out that James had more than cheerfully lent him that morning. He was standing on a ladder stripping paint off the wooden hull and trying to assess the condition of the timber when Connie came out. She stood at the bottom of the ladder peering up at him, shielding her eyes from the sun.
‘Coffee time,’ she said firmly, and he turned off the blowtorch, put the scraper down and joined her on the ground in the litter of paint curls.
‘It really is a heap,’ she said, eyeing the boat doubtfully. ‘Are you sure you can turn it around? Or were you trying to set fire to it? I take it it is insured?’
He sighed and dragged a grubby hand through his hair. ‘I’m sorry. It was a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing and if I’d know you’d want to move I wouldn’t have landed it on you.’
‘To be fair to you, we didn’t know at that point. You could always just sell it,’ she added after a slight pause, and he tried to ignore the hopeful note in her voice. But her bump was growing by the day, and they really did want to move before their second child arrived. And much as he loved it, he had to admit the boat was an eyesore. Not to mention clogging up the drive.
‘I’ll get rid of it, Connie, I promise, one way or another. They might have room for it in the boatyard now it’s spring. Where’s Saffy?’ he asked, changing the subject.
‘James took her out for a walk with Joseph. Come on, I’ll make you a nice strong full-fat coffee and you can keep me company while I drink my decaf one. The joys of pregnancy,’ she said with a laugh over her shoulder as she led him up the steps to the veranda on the back of the cottage, and he felt a surge of guilt for keeping Kate’s pregnancy secret. Not that it was his secret to tell.
‘James said you had a bummer of a sticky case yesterday,’ she said as she handed him his coffee.
He shrugged and blew on the coffee, taking his time. ‘It had a good outcome. He’s alive, at least, and under the care of the cardiology team, so he’s got a fighting chance now.’
‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes, I’m fine. Really. Don’t worry about me, Connie. I’m a big boy now.’
‘I know that. Doesn’t stop me worrying. It must have been a bit close to home.’
He wouldn’t have taken that from anyone else, but, as he’d told Kate, they’d seen each other through hell.
‘Sam?’
He gave a quiet sigh. ‘You don’t need to protect me, Connie. I’m fine.’
‘Are you? You’ve been looking kind of preoccupied. And—I know you have the right to have fun, to play the field a bit to balance the books, and I’d hate you to grieve for ever, but—don’t mess about with Kate, Sam, please?’
He might have known she had an agenda. No sooner did she have him captive, settled on the veranda with his feet up on the rail and a steaming mug of coffee in his hand, than she’d started. He shook his head slowly.
‘Why not? We’re both adults, she’s alone, I’m alone, it’s someone to pass the time with—’
‘You could pass the time with us. We hardly ever see you.’
‘Are you jealous?’ he asked, knowing full well she wasn’t, and she punched his shoulder lightly.
‘Don’t be an idiot.’ She shifted so she could look him in the eye better. ‘Don’t hurt her, Sam—’
‘Why does everyone feel the need to protect her from me?’ he asked, exasperated and racked with guilt.
‘Because she ricochets from one disaster to another and she’ll fall for you, I know she will. You’re just her type—funny, sexy—but you’re broken, Sam, you know you are, and she’ll end up hurt, all over again. She’s a brilliant nurse, but her private life’s a nightmare and I can’t bear to see her hurt.’
Too late, Connie...
‘I’m sure we’re both grown up enough to sort out our own salvation,’ he said drily, hoping it was true and that tomorrow didn’t go disastrously wrong after her scan.
He heard the gate clatter, and knew he had just about five seconds to move before James came and joined in the nagging fest. ‘Right, back to the boat,’ he said hastily, but he was too slow. His feet hit the floor just as Saffy came racing up the veranda steps and launched herself at him.
‘Get down, you horrible dog, you have no manners,’ he said mildly, fending her off and rubbing her head affectionately as he stood up to make his escape.
‘I see you found the tools,’ James said, appearing at the bottom of the steps with Joseph on his shoulders, and Sam sighed inwardly.
‘Yeah. Don’t worry, Connie’s already had a go at me. I’m on it.’
James quirked an eyebrow, but Sam ignored it. He was well aware of the pressure he was under. It didn’t need reinforcing, and he had other more important things to worry about.
‘Can you do me a favour, while I think about it?’ he asked James. ‘I need an hour off in the morning for an appointment. Is that OK?’
‘Yes, sure—unless you want to swap shifts? I’m doing two to ten today, but Connie’s arranged to view a house this afternoon which I really want to see, and she’s busy tomorrow, so it would suit me fine to swap.’
‘Sure.’ It suited him far better, because he’d be able to give his attention to Kate. ‘It does mean I won’t do any more to the boat this afternoon.’
‘I’m sure one more day won’t make a difference, Sam. And there’s always tomorrow.’
He nodded, knowing full well that Kate was off all day and after the scan they’d have a lot to talk about. She’d given him a week, and it was up tomorrow evening. He had one last day to convince her she could trust him, and there was no way the boat or anything else was getting in the way of that.
CHAPTER FIVE
NOTHING FITTED.
She’d spent the last week working in scrubs, but now she needed something to wear for her scan, and that meant trousers and a top, and none of her jeans went within a mile of doing up.
Well, an inch, at
least, but that was bad enough. Too much cake and chocolate, she told herself, because the other reason was still a little unreal and she wasn’t ready to face it.
She found some stretchy denim jeggings and a loose top with a long cardi over it, which hid her little bump nicely, to her relief. She didn’t want anyone at the hospital to guess. Not yet, not until she knew for sure that she’d go through with it.
She put a scarf on for good measure, wrapping it loosely round her neck so it hung down the front and helped with the disguise. It also covered up the little bulges where she was bursting out of her bra, and she realised she was going to have to go shopping very soon—maybe later today.
Unless...
Her hands flew down to cover the little bump that she could no longer ignore, her fingers curling protectively over it as panic swamped her.
Today was D-day. The day she’d told Sam she’d give him her decision. She’d said that she’d give him a week, and what did she know about him now that she hadn’t then? What did she know that made a difference to her ability to cope with this?
More, sure, but enough to base a life together on? Enough to trust him with her heart?
Maybe she didn’t need to. Maybe she could just trust him to care for the baby with her, to make sure that she didn’t go wrong, didn’t fail, didn’t run away like her mother had.
And if she couldn’t? When it came to the crunch, what if she couldn’t do it, couldn’t bond, couldn’t cope? Sam had said he’d have the baby, but what if he realised that he couldn’t handle it, and left? Left her, like everyone else, but this time literally holding the baby?
Would it be kinder to her baby not to be brought into a world with so much uncertainty and instability? A world like the one she’d been thrust into at the age of five?
She sucked in a breath, met her eyes in the mirror and looked away, unable even to look at herself any more she was so torn with guilt and self-loathing.
Time to go. She couldn’t be late, and it was a ten minute walk if she hurried. Damn. She shrugged on her coat, picked up her keys and ran downstairs, opening the front door just as Sam lifted his hand to ring the bell.
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