Was she being noble or noncommittal? Or was it that she wanted so badly for it to feel like home that it was terrifying her?
‘Sam, I’m not like Kerry, these things really don’t matter to me,’ she said, and he frowned and let go of her hand and sat down again.
‘I know you’re not like her. I’m well aware of that. If I was with Kerry doing this, I’d be trailing round behind her ticking her lists and agreeing just for the sake of peace. I don’t think it even occurred to her to ask me what I wanted. She was just like a kid in a sweetshop.’
She stared at him in astonishment. ‘Gosh,’ she said softly, after an age. ‘Where did that come from?’
He shrugged. ‘It’s the truth. It didn’t stop me loving her, it’s just how she was. She was sweet, kind, funny, generous, but she didn’t have a spontaneous bone in her body. She was meticulously organised, fanatically tidy, she planned everything down to the last detail—nothing was allowed to happen by chance. And I still feel guilty that I didn’t take any interest, that I was glad I was out of the country when she was planning the wedding, because she would have driven me mad with the endless trivia. But you’re not her, and nor am I, and I really have no idea where to start, so your help would be very much appreciated.’
He fell silent, and she let out a long, soft sigh and wrapped her arms around him. ‘Oh, Sam. I’m sorry. I didn’t know that. Of course I’ll come shopping with you.’
* * *
It turned out that she did have opinions, and it surprised her.
‘How about this?’ Sam would ask, and she’d frown and he’d laugh and walk on. ‘This?’ Frown, laugh, walk on.
They left that shop, because in fact neither of them liked anything they had in stock, and went to the next one and tried again.
‘Oh, this is better,’ she said instantly as they walked in, and he smiled.
‘I’m glad we agree. So—sofas?’
‘I like this one.’ She sat down, leant back and shook her head and got up. ‘You can’t slouch in it.’
‘Well, that’s a must. Let’s find a slouchy one,’ he said, and threading his fingers through hers he led her round the displays until they found one with the right degree of slouchiness.
He sat down at one end, and she sat at the other, swivelled her legs round and put her feet in his lap.
‘Perfect,’ she said with a grin, and he chuckled.
‘I agree. I think we should have a pair, like James and Connie. What about the fabric?’
‘I like this leather,’ she said. ‘It’s nice—sort of battered and not intimidating. And you can wipe leather. Babies are very messy, from my limited experience. They tend to leak a bit.’
He stifled a laugh and hailed an assistant who’d been hovering discreetly in the background.
‘How long will they take to come?’ Sam asked. ‘Because we need this quickly. We’re moving in a couple of weeks.’
‘Well, you’re in luck, then, if you like this, because our sale starts tomorrow, and all our display stock is going to be marked down. Otherwise it’ll be six weeks.’
‘So we could have this one sooner?’
‘Yes. And if you wanted a pair, we have another one in the window.’
‘Perfect,’ Sam said. ‘Do you do beds?’
Of course they did, and to Kate’s relief they’d all be discounted, too. They’d almost agreed on a painted wooden bed when they went round the corner and he spotted a different one.
‘How about this for the master bedroom?’ he said, pointing at a huge mahogany sleigh bed, and she nodded slowly.
‘That’s lovely. It looks welcoming.’
‘After a long, hard shift, bed is always welcoming,’ he said drily, and lay down on it. ‘Oh, yes. Try the mattress,’ he coaxed, patting the other side, and she lay down, feeling like an idiot, and then totally forgot to care how she looked, because it was bliss.
‘That’s amazing,’ she said softly. ‘It’s like lying on a cloud. How much is it?’
He laughed and told her you couldn’t put a price on a comfortable bed, which by extension meant it was shockingly expensive, and then reminded her it would be in the sale.
‘Well, it’s your money,’ she said, getting up reluctantly. ‘Don’t forget we’ll need something for the spare bedroom, as well, before you blow the entire budget on this one.’
‘Don’t worry about the budget. Now, is it big enough, or do we need a super-king? By the time the kids are in it, too...’
Kids? Kids? She was still getting her head around the one they were having, and he was planning more?
‘I think you’re getting ahead of yourself,’ she said quietly, and the smile on his face disappeared in an instant.
‘Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, the super-king might not go up the stairs.’
He cleared his throat and moved away from her, from the blissful but contentious bed, from the idea of a huge, happy family bouncing around in it, and after confirming the details with the assistant, he shot her a glance.
‘Coffee?’
She nodded, ready to sit down on something she didn’t have to have an opinion on, and they went into the store’s café. He sent her to find a seat, and came over with coffees and a huge slab of chocolate fudge cake.
‘What’s that?’
‘A peace offering.’
She looked up at him, at his sombre eyes, his mouth set in a tight line of regret, and she shook her head.
‘Oh, Sam. It’s OK. It’s just that I’m still coming to terms with having this baby, and with the idea of living with you, and frankly that’s hard enough to get my head round.’
‘Yeah. Baby steps. I’m sorry.’ He sat down, handed her one of the two forks and smiled wryly. ‘Can we share?’
She smiled back at him. ‘Since you ask so nicely.’
‘Hmph.’ He scooped off a chunk and inhaled it, and she laughed.
‘Shopping getting to you?’
‘Absolutely,’ he groaned. ‘I don’t know how women have the stamina for it.’
‘Me, neither. Maybe it helps if it’s someone else’s money, but I’ve never been in that position so I wouldn’t know.’
‘You are now.’
She shook her head. ‘No. This stuff is for your house—’
‘Our house. I’m putting it in joint names.’
She felt the blood drain from her face, then surge back up. ‘Sam—no! Why? That’s not fair! It’s your money, from the house you bought with Kerry. You can’t give it away!’
He stared at her, obviously shocked. ‘It’s not like it was ever our home, Kate. I told you that.’
‘But it should have been your home,’ she said, her eyes filling for a woman who never got to live in it, never got to realise her dream, and Sam gave a soft groan and covered her hand with his.
‘Kate—let’s not do this here.’
‘Why not? We’re getting in so deep, Sam, and you’re just being noble and doing the decent thing and you’re not ready—’
‘It’s not about being ready, Kate, it’s about reality, and what’s happening to us, whether we’re ready or not. The baby won’t wait, and it needs a home.’
‘Then put it in the baby’s name,’ she said desperately.
He sighed and shook his head slowly. ‘Do you really hate Kerry that much?’
‘What? No, of course I don’t, but it was her dream home—’
‘Not mine, though. It was sensible, manageable for her on her own while I was away, and close to her parents so that if anything happened to me she’d have their support. It was me who was supposed to die, not her, which was why I just let her do what she wanted with it, but I could never have been truly happy there. It was too far from the sea, too hemmed in by other houses, too—hell, I don’t know, too suburban. I
don’t think we would have stayed there that long. It just wasn’t me.’
‘And this one is,’ she said slowly, knowing it was true.
‘It is. It’s so perfect for me I can’t believe I’m going to live in it. I’ve always loved it, since the first moment I saw it, and if it makes you feel any better, no, Kerry never saw it.’
He fell silent while she assimilated all of that, and the thing that came to the top of the pile was his bald statement that he was the one who was supposed to die.
‘You’ve got survivor guilt,’ she said softly, and he nodded.
‘Yes. Yes, I suppose I have, in a way. She was in a safe place, while I was out in the field with bombs going off all around me, snipers trying to pick me off when we flew in to rescue someone who’d been ambushed by an IED—it was a miracle I didn’t get hurt, but I got away without a scratch, and she...’
He broke off, stirred his coffee absently and then looked up and met her eyes.
‘Look, I know it’s tough for you, but I don’t want it to be. None of that is anything to do with you, it’s all in the past. We’re buying the house now, it needs furniture, it’s going to be our home. It’s a new start, Kate. A new start I desperately need. Please, don’t make it harder for either of us than it already is.’
She felt her eyes welling, blinked away the tears and nodded. ‘Of course. I’m sorry. Let’s just have our coffee and get on with it, shall we? We’ve still got a lot to do.’
* * *
Kate crawled up the stairs, plopped onto the sofa and put her feet up.
‘I’m never going shopping again,’ she groaned, and Sam laughed, bent over the back of the sofa and dropped a kiss on her head.
‘Well, at least it’s done now, or most of it. I can’t believe the trivia, though—so many decisions about nothing that matters.’
She turned her head round and peered at him over the back of the sofa as he went into the kitchen. ‘So you agree with me, then, that it doesn’t matter?’
He laughed. ‘I didn’t say that. It’s just that when you have to make decisions about what kind of cutlery, which glasses, crockery, tea towels, for heaven’s sake—it’s just endless!’
She followed him into the kitchen, trying not to laugh. ‘So were you just passing the buck, then, making me choose so you didn’t have to commit?’
‘Damn. You rumbled me.’
He chuckled and pulled her in for a hug, and she rested her head on his chest and sighed. ‘Oh, Sam. Are we really going to be OK?’
‘Yes. Now go and sit down, and I’ll make you tea and try and work out what we’ve got to eat. Or we could order a takeaway?’
‘What, make another decision?’ she said, and they both started to laugh, clinging to each other and laughing until their sides ached, and then he stared down at her, still in his arms, and bent his head and kissed her.
It wasn’t passionate, it didn’t linger, it was just—‘healing’ was the only word she could come up with, building a bridge over the rivers of grief and doubt and insecurity that ran between them, and she realised she felt safe.
Safe with Sam, with life, but also with her future, because for the first time ever, she had one that she might just be able to rely on.
* * *
The days ticked by, and before they knew it the twenty-week anomaly scan for the baby was coming up, and so was the move.
They had less than two weeks before the sale was due to be completed, so the furniture delivery was due for the Friday after that, giving them the weekend to unpack everything and settle in before they were back at work on the Monday.
And in the meantime, he thought, watching Kate across the ED, he needed to make a new will and get Kate named as the beneficiary on his forces and NHS pensions. Just in case, because, as he knew only too well, life didn’t come with any guarantees.
He added that to his ever-growing ‘to-do’ list, and gave a wry smile. Kerry would have laughed her socks off at the very thought, but then her ‘to-do’ list used to start with ‘Wake up’. He wondered what she would have made of the spontaneous loose cannon that was Kate, and decided she would have liked her, even though she probably wouldn’t have understood her at all.
He was beginning to, and he was discovering a thoughtful, sensitive, compassionate woman with a huge heart and enormous courage. Not to mention a wicked sense of humour and the ability to charm the devil incarnate into submitting to a procedure that was definitely not on his wish list. And on that subject...
He capped his pen, tucked the list into the pocket of his scrubs and went to help her talk Mr Lucas round.
* * *
‘He’s a nightmare,’ she said with a sigh after Mr Lucas had finally allowed them to dress his ulcer. ‘He’s probably the worst of our frequent flyers. He never takes care of himself, he treats us like his personal doctors’ surgery and complains bitterly about everything we do for him. I swear, I could kill him sometimes.’
Sam chuckled and gave her a discreet hug. ‘You’re wonderful with him. Goodness knows why, he doesn’t deserve it.’
‘Oh, he’s just lonely and his life’s a mess. I can understand that, even if it does annoy me. How’s your to-do list?’
‘Growing,’ he said wryly. ‘Kerry would have laughed at me.’
She gave a soft chuckle at his expression, the rueful self-mockery echoed in his words, realising with a slight shock that they were talking quite naturally about Kerry, as if she was finally taking her rightful place in the dynamics of their relationship.
‘She must have felt about you the way you feel about me, then, because you’re way more organised than I’ll ever be,’ she told him honestly.
‘Not at work,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘At work, you’re like a streamlined machine. You don’t overlook anything, and even when we’re ridiculously busy, you still find time to be kind to the patients and make them feel comfortable and safe. That’s a real gift, Kate, and you have it in spades.’
She felt her eyes fill at the sudden unexpected compliment, and blinked and turned away. ‘Thank you,’ she said softly, and then cleared her throat. ‘Right, who’s next?’
* * *
So this was it.
His own home at last, emptied now of James and Connie’s possessions, echoing hollowly as he walked around it, his fingers trailing over the walls, the banisters, the doorframes, coming to rest on the handle of the roof light in the master bedroom.
He tugged it gently and it pivoted open, and he leant out, drew the sea air into his lungs and sighed.
His own home, at last, he thought, and wandered through to the en suite bathroom, throwing open the roof light in there and taking in the spectacular view over the marshes behind the house, lonely, desolate and inhospitable, but teeming with nesting wetland birds at this time of year.
‘Hello, house,’ he said softly, and turned, looking straight through and out at the sea once more. He could feel it tugging him, the urge to fix up the boat and get out on the sea almost overwhelming, but he had a lot to do before that was even on the bottom of his agenda.
With a sigh he closed the windows and ran back downstairs. He had to get Kate. Her shift should have finished now and she’d want to see it, too, but he’d had a selfish urge to see it alone first. He felt a twinge of guilt for not waiting, but he’d needed it, this quiet time alone with the house to make its acquaintance. Heaven knows the peace won’t last long, he thought, with the baby coming in just a few more months.
He paused on the veranda and closed his eyes briefly, sending up a silent prayer to whoever might be listening that it would all work out, that the hell and confusion of the past two years could be laid to rest and he and Kate and the baby could make the family he hadn’t even realised he needed so much, here in this beautiful and welcoming home.
Then he locked th
e house, ran down the veranda steps and went to fetch Kate.
* * *
‘Have you got the keys?’
He nodded and held a bunch out to her. ‘That’s your set, and we’ve got two spare sets in case we need them. Are you ready to go?’
‘Definitely. Have you been down there yet?’
He hesitated, and she knew instantly that he had, that he didn’t want to tell her in case she was somehow disappointed that he hadn’t waited for her, but that it had been important for him in some way.
Laying a ghost to rest? She could only hope so.
‘Sam, it’s fine. I totally get it. Come on, let’s go and look together.’
They walked up the veranda steps and he unlocked the door, pushed it open and let her go in first. She stepped over the threshold, crushing a tiny flicker of disappointment that he hadn’t carried her over it, but this wasn’t a love nest, it was a house that would hopefully turn into a home for their family, and so she walked through the kitchen and into the large open living room with the huge bay window framing the sea.
‘OK?’
She turned to him, nodded and slipped her hand into his. ‘It’s beautiful. I love it.’
‘Good. So do I. Let’s go and have a look upstairs.’
They wandered round for ages, spotting things they hadn’t seen before, like the clever storage in the bathroom, the little train frieze around Joseph’s old bedroom, the colourful mural on the wall behind where his cot had been.
‘I guess all this will have to go,’ he said, and her hands fell automatically to caress her bump.
‘Probably. It seems a shame, but if it’s a girl she might not be into trains.’
‘It might be a boy.’
‘Do you mind what it is?’
He shook his head. ‘No, not at all. I don’t care about anything except that it’s healthy.’
‘What if there’s something wrong with it?’ she asked.
‘We’ll deal with it. It might not be easy, but we’ll find a way. What about you? Do you care what it is?’
She shook her head. ‘Not really. I think I’d like a girl, just because I know more about them than I do about boys, but I’m like you, I just want it to be all right.’
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