“Really? From experience I’ve learned that the only time anyone is every truly honest with themselves and with others is when they’re drunk out of their mind,” he replied with distrust. “When I read it, I thought it had been written by two different people. But it wasn’t, just by you, one person who’s conflicted. You’ve repressed a side of yourself that you revealed through those crossed out words. What is it you really want, Emerson Monsoon?” he coaxed softly.
“Nothing, I don’t want anything,” I whispered.
“Tell me. There is a limit to what I can do, but what I can do I will, for a price, of course. What is it you want?” He pressed. “No, don’t think, you know what it is,” he breathed.
I closed my eyes in defeat. “I want to be normal,” I admitted. “I want to not flinch in fear from someone because I’m scared to be touched. I want to feel alive again. Can you help me with that?” I cried with shame, revealing my darkest secret.
“I normally don’t like boundaries…I break them, but you want me to test yours, to push you, play with you, tease you, make you come alive,” he listed seductively. “It will take time, of course. It will have to be an ongoing transaction, and if I say yes, you’ll have to agree from the onset that it will be business not personal. Every time I touch you, I’ll be fulfilling a deal, it won’t be because I’m in love with you. There will be no possibility of a romantic relationship at the end of it,” he stressed.
I swallowed, beginning to wish I hadn’t made my admission. He wasn’t safe—he was dangerous. “I–I don’t know if I can do this,” I backtracked, pacing up and down fretfully.
“Are you a spineless coward or can you only be brave with liquid courage? Your decisions define you, Emerson,” he threatened with a lift of his eyebrow.
“I . . . I need more time,” I swallowed in panic.
“You don’t have more time. You have the power; it’s in your hands, if you choose to go ahead then you have to be willing to give it your all. You can back out at any time, but if you do then we’ll be done for good.” He delivered with impersonal efficiency. “So, what’s it going to be?”
He wasn’t like Jaxson, he was all man, hard and unforgiving. I could imagine Katia yelling at me to take him up on his offer. I thought harder . . . I didn’t have anything to lose, and if it didn’t work out, I could back out.
I held out my hand, trying to show that I was committed to giving this a go, while still trying to be brave. He put his hand in mine and shook it. Technically, it wasn’t that brave because he was wearing black gloves, but it was a step in the right direction. I’d taken the step to touch him.
“Then we have a deal. I’ll be taking the gloves off from this moment on,” he informed me as I pulled my hand away.
“I’ll be on guard,” I responded with feigned confidence, so unlike me. “So now that I’ve made a deal with The Leverager,” I said in a way akin to saying the devil, “What’s your name? I mean, your real name?” I pushed.
“It’s Hendrik Vasgård,” he imparted silkily. My mouth wanted to frame his name, to say it aloud to test how it would sound on my lips, to see if it would sound as sexy as he said it.
I coughed, trying to regain my equilibrium. “What’s to stop me from telling everyone that you’re the Leverager?” I taunted.
“Because of plausible deniability. No one would believe you,” he whispered deliciously. “Hardly anyone even believes that I exist. And you don’t strike me as being stupid. If you do tell everyone, then you’ll be depriving yourself of what you want. You want to get better but you don’t want to do it alone. No one does.”
“You make a hell of a compelling case,” I replied. I didn’t want to do it alone, and I also didn’t want to be declared mentally unfit again, and that would probably be the wrong way of going about preventing that.
“So, when do we begin?” I asked biting my lip. I hoped I didn’t sound too eager, needy, or desperate or anything.
“Not now, I have some other urgent, pressing business to attend to. My driver, Emelius, is up front ready to take you anywhere you want when you’re ready to leave. The room’s already been paid for in full,” he said in a business-like tone.
“Um . . . okay,” I said awkwardly, not knowing how to end the conversation.
“Don’t worry, Älskling, I’ll be seeing you soon,” he smirked. God, I was so out of my element with him . . .
“Wait!” I called just as he was about to walk out the door.
“Yes?” He inquired over his shoulder.
“What are you getting out of this? I mean, what do I owe you?” I asked, remembering he’d never revealed just why he was doing this.
He chuckled disarmingly. “It’s too late for that, Monsoon. You showed me your cards without asking me to show mine. I take what I want, when I want it. I don’t reveal my secrets for nothing in return, and no matter what I want from you, you won’t be able to stop me from taking it even if I was to tell you what it is. So, really, there’s no point in you knowing. Just be ready to deliver, when I demand,” he declared with smoldering eyes.
Transfixed, I nodded. He nodded back looking satisfied, and when the door closed behind me I sank down onto the bed, my wobbly knees grateful for the support and my mind completely and utterly blown. I was a mess, but I found myself smiling nonetheless, and for the first time in a long time I felt hopeful.
“SO, EMELIUS, TELL me all about Hendrik,” I interrogated.
He sent me an annoyed look that had his eyebrows raising ominously, choosing not to answer. He was a bit cross with me, I had, after all, denied his request to sit in the back seat, and instead I’d opted to sit in the front passenger seat, all the better to interrogate him.
“You mean, Mr. Vasgård?” he corrected.
“Yes, his grace,” I replied sarcastically, secretly liking how he was beginning to go red in the face.
“Mr. Vasgård,” he emphasized, “is an honorable young man, and he is owed your respect,” he said scornfully.
“Aw, come on, Emelius, I’m just joking with you,” I apologized even though I didn’t feel a bit remorseful for my misbehavior.
“How long have you known Hendrik?” I tried again.
“Almost all his life,” he replied cryptically.
“So you know his family?” I asked.
“Yes, it would seem that way,” he replied, rolling his eyes.
“Fine, I’ll lay off the topic of Mr. Vasgård,” I conceded. “Even though we were bonding so well over him,” I added regretfully.
“There is no bond between us, and there will be no bonding!” He refused even my smallest attempt at an overture.
“You wound me, Emelius, I thought this was the beginning of a lovely friendship,” I said clutching at my heart. “If you’re going to hate me either way, I might as well use this time to ask you other questions as punishment,” I justified.
“I don’t hate you, Miss Monsoon, I have no opinion of you whatsoever. I’m not paid to think, just to drive,” he replied formally.
“What do you do for fun, Emelius?” I asked with acute interest.
“I drive,” he said monotonously.
“Even in your spare time?”
“Yes.”
“Interesting,” I replied, attempting to drive him half as mad as he was driving me.
“Turn left at the roundabout and we’ll be there,” I instructed.
“I know, Miss Monsoon it’s my . . .” he said with exhaustion.
“I know, it’s your job. I was just trying to be helpful,” I placated, as we came to a stop. “Well, it’s been fun! Thank you for getting me back safely,” I smiled, exiting the car.
“Miss Monsoon,” he called, and I ducked my head down through the car door to listen. “My treatment of you isn’t personal. I’m on duty, and I have to maintain my professionalism,” he said, as if asking for my forgiveness.
“Oh, Emelius, don’t worry, I didn’t take it to heart. And don’t worry, I like you, too,” I smiled, w
ithdrawing from the car. And as he drove away I swore I saw his cheek lift, possibly evidence of a smile.
I headed back to my dorm room, feeling unusually happy and also nervous, not knowing when I would see Hendrik next.
“Emerson, where the hell have you been? You know what? I don’t care I’m just so happy you’re okay!” Laurina yelled from inside my room as I opened the door. She looked like a hot mess, with tear tracks running down her face, her hair a disheveled nest.
“I’m fine, I was so drunk that I decided to stay at a hotel a block over from the club,” I soothed then paused, “Wait what are you doing in my room? Laurina!” I chastised.
“It was an emergency!” She justified, rubbing her eyes. “I woke up and remembered I didn’t come home with you last night. I was so angry with Lukas and myself for leaving you behind, I’m not even talking to him at the moment because of it,” she rambled crazily, hands flying up in the air. I was glad I was out of her arm’s length and firing line.
“I am such a terrible friend! Never leave a woman behind! I’ve grown up with that mantra, my grandmother ingrained it in me from when I was a baby, and I think she even told me that it was my first sentence! I’ve let you and her and my family down,” she ranted.
“Hey, Laurina it’s okay, honestly!” I held my hands up, trying to calm her down. “I know you’re upset because you left without me, which is totally fine by the way. You were as drunk as I was, but what is this really about?” I inquired knowing that this wasn’t her…there was something else going on.
“Lukas and I didn’t just have a small fight,” she said, sitting down on my bed, “We had a massive one, and it wasn’t over you, not really. Something has been off between us for months. I could never tell what it was so I let it go, but this morning beneath all the anger, he was panicked and really nervous. I don’t know what he’s been hiding and when I asked him about it he exploded, telling me he couldn’t breathe, that he was under a lot of pressure and that he needed space. But he’s always dealt well with pressure, he thrives on it. His parents divorced five months ago and he didn’t act out or anything. So, for him to explode, it’s not because of pressure, it’s because he’s scared. I don’t know if he’s not telling me something because he wants to protect me from whatever he’s hiding. But I’m worried that if he doesn’t eventually tell me his secret it will always be there between us. It might even tear us apart. I don’t know what to do,” she cried.
“Do you love him?” I asked quietly.
“Yes,” she replied without a moment’s hesitation.
“Then that’s all that matters. When you love someone there can be obstacles in your path that might seem insurmountable, impassable even, but the strength of your love somehow has the ability to carry you both through and over those obstacles. Love isn’t reasonable or logical; a person won’t give up on someone they love until they reach their breaking point. If this were your biggest obstacle then you wouldn’t be asking me what to do, you would be telling me that you’re through with him. That’s how I know you’re not done trying. I can’t tell you answers, or give you a way to make things better, all I can say is that if you do reach that point, I’ll be here. You won’t be alone, and if you want to keep trying I’ll be here also. So, keep trying, until you can’t,” I urged, sitting down beside her.
Laurina’s eyes were wide and she’d stopped crying halfway through my monologue. “I . . . You’re right . . . I’m not . . . I’m not ready to give up,” she admitted, the words coming out as if they physically pained her.
“You know, I’m betting if anything, that all he wants right now is for you to go and talk to him. He’s probably regretting the way he exploded this morning, and maybe he doesn’t know how to say sorry. Maybe if you take the first step, everything will follow,” I suggested. “But, I mean you know him best, I just met the two of you yesterday and I have only had one serious relationship that didn’t end well so it would probably be best if you didn’t follow a word of what I said,” I recommended.
“No,” Laurina protested, “For a self-proclaimed, mentally insane person, you sound incredibly sane to me. It’s actually quite scary because I thought between the two of us that I was the sane one and that I was going to have to keep you in line,” she laughed to herself.
“Well, I have to say, you’re bordering on insane at the moment,” I replied, eyes flicking between the disarray between her hair and dress.
“You’re terrible for pointing that out right now,” she quipped with feigned anger.
“Hey, don’t hate the messenger, you don’t want to show up looking like that. Lukas would run the other way,” I laughed, using her words from last night against her.
“You know what? We just had our first real conversation. I’m unhappy that it was at the expense of my sanity, but your counsel was top notch. You know what this means, don’t you?” Laurina said, standing up, a crazy look in her eyes that made me want to back away.
“Um . . . Yes?” I said uncertainly.
“You’re stuck with me for the next three years until graduation. Actually, probably for the rest of your life, maybe even your afterlife, too,” she whispered ominously. I must have given her a weird look, because she sighed and uttered awkwardly, “What I’m really trying to say is thanks, and I’m lucky to have you. I swear this won’t be a one-way thing where all I do is lean on you, taking without giving back. I’ll be here if you need anything,” she promised sincerely.
“I don’t think any less of you because of your breakdown. It takes strength to be vulnerable so it’s only fair that I be vulnerable, too. I lost an irreplaceable friend recently; I’m still trying to deal with her loss. I think she would have liked you a lot. I came here for her and for me, and I can’t say it will be easy for me to open up again. But, I promise to try, at least until I reach my break point with you,” I joked.
“Thank you for telling me, and I completely understand how you feel. I lost someone recently, too, my dad . . .” she confided with pain-filled eyes. I wanted to take her hand and squeeze it, but my cowardice prevented me from doing it.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about him now. Neither of us is ready,” I said truthfully, hearing her exhale in relief. “Now, quit stalling, go clean yourself up and then go see Lukas, and don’t tell me about the make-up sex later,” I grimaced.
She took my words for what it was—a get out of sharing your darkest pain pass.
“Don’t lie, I know you want to be told every single detail, in elaborate depth!” She teased over her should as she made her way to the door.
“No, I don’t!” I denied, “And, Laurina, no more breaking into my room,” I called.
“Okay,” she replied all too easily, walking out the door. Then as she closed the door she yelled, “But if it’s an emergency I will!” I rolled my eyes then slapped my right hand against my forehead, but really I liked that she had cared enough to do it, even if I hated the intrusion.
From where I was I could see myself in the mirror, and I groaned in horror. I looked twice as bad as she did, and not only had Emelius had to witness it but so had Hendrik! I all but ran to the bathroom and turned on the water attempting to wash away my makeup disaster, and then when it didn’t come off I took off my clothes and took a hot shower.
Many minutes later I finished, and when I went to open the window to let the steam out my mouth fell open in shock. The window had the secondary glazing on top, I then rushed to my door and noticed that the door sweep and weather strip had been installed. . . Laurina hadn’t mentioned anything about it, but if she hadn’t done it then who had?
A LOUD KNOCK on my door had me rushing to my feet. I hadn’t seen or heard from Laurina in over twenty-four hours and I had no doubt that she had spent that entire time making up with Lukas.
But when I opened the door, there was no trace of her, instead there was a middle-aged man dressed in a suit holding an envelope with white gloves.
“Are you Miss Monsoon?” he
inquired with twinkly, kind, blue eyes, instantly negating the thought that he had the wrong room. I liked him instantly.
“Yes, I am. How may I help you?” I replied with a smile.
“I have a message for you,” he whispered cryptically, conscious of the attention he was garnering. In the hallways girls were huddled around their doors trying to see what was happening. I felt a massive degree of relief that Laurina wasn’t around because she would have intercepted the message for sure.
“Thank you, can I put a name to your face to properly thank you for your service?” I asked as he handed me the message.
“I’m just a courier, one among many, Miss,” he responded with embarrassment.
“Not to me you’re not. You’re the courier who’s delivered my first ever personal message,” I confided secretively.
He smiled, “Well, then I cannot disappoint you, I’m Tomas and it was an honor to deliver your first ever personally couriered message,” he responded with a bow. “I get the feeling though that this won’t be the last time I’ll see you around, so let this be goodnight, Miss Monsoon, and not goodbye.”
Nonplussed, I replied, “Goodbye,” as he marched off confidently.
Two unknown girls were heading toward me, and I had no doubt that they wanted to know what the message was, but I had no intention of sharing it with complete strangers. I closed the door wondering if it was Hendrik who had sent Tomas to me.
Gently I removed the letter from the envelope and read its contents:
Dear tempting suitable Miss Monsoon,
I told you that I would be seeing you soon. Emelius is downstairs waiting to take you to me. Be dressed in clothes appropriate for exercise. I’m going to give you a workout.
— Hendrik Vasgård
P.S Be gentle with Emelius, I found him shaken and terrorized from your earlier interrogation conversation. It took much leveraging to ensure he did not leave the country my employ.
Exercise? A workout? Did he mean the running, getting fit kind of exercise, or the workout in the bed kind? Both required completely different clothing, but then again my choice was made easier because I had no sexy lingerie lying around. Then my mind rewinded—wait—sexual workout . . . I wasn’t prepared for that! I know he said the gloves were off but there’s no way he’d take it that far so fast. I shook away the thought because if I lingered on it any longer there was no way I was going to make it past by dorm room door.
The Leverager Page 8
