by Rhoda Baxter
‘Not sure,’ she said. ‘Relieved, excited, sad. All at once.’
Hibs smiled. ‘You know what I do when I feel like that.’
Her eyes narrowed. ‘Get laid?’
He laughed. ‘Very funny. I was going to say get drunk.’
He sensed the change in atmosphere before she said anything.
‘We could do both,’ she said.
She stood on tiptoes and kissed him and all thought disappeared as his blood supply headed south. His world was filled with the sensation of her mouth on his. The soft press of her breasts. The pressure of her fingers behind his neck. He had fantasised about kissing Beth hundreds of times and nothing he’d imagined came close to the real thing. There was nothing, nothing, he wanted more than this. He put his hand on her hip and felt a response shimmer through her.
It took a few moments for his brain to recover from the sudden rush of blood to the groin. This was Beth. This wasn’t how he’d wanted to start a relationship with her. He could sleep with her now and she’d think it meant nothing to him. He couldn’t bear that. He pulled away. ‘Beth. I don’t—’
The shock in her face nearly broke his heart.
She stepped back from him, tears already brimming.
He had always been so good at speaking his mind. He was always confident with women. Now, when he needed it the most, his brain wouldn’t work. He wanted to tell her he wanted her for always, not just for a one-night comfort shag, but the words just wouldn’t come fast enough. ‘Beth.’
She turned and ran out of the lab.
‘Fuck.’ He ran after her. Halfway down the corridor, he remembered he’d left his Bunsen burner on. He swore again and ran back to turn the gas off and kill the flame. Still swearing, he thundered down the corridor after her.
Her footsteps echoed in the stairwell. Looking over the side, he could see she was several floors below him. He took the steps down two at a time. Not for the first time he wished there was a fireman’s pole installed in the middle.
He got to the bottom of the stairs in time to see her run out of the glass doors.
Beth unlocked her bike and wrenched it away from the wall. She could barely see for the tears. How could she have been so stupid? She’d kissed Hibs. And Hibs, the man who slept with just about anything female, had turned her down. She’d always assumed he’d never tried it on with her because she was a colleague and a friend, but perhaps it was because he didn’t fancy her. She heard him calling her name, somewhere behind her. She jumped on her bike and started pedalling.
But Hibs was too fast for her. He grabbed the handlebars of her bike. ‘Beth, stop.’
‘Leave me alone, Hibs. I’m embarrassed enough as it is.’
‘For fuck’s sake, will you stop for a moment and listen.’
She stopped trying to push the bike forward. She’d never push past him. Tears streamed down her face. Whatever humiliation was coming, she would have to face it until he let go of her bike. She knew he’d try to let her down gently. That only made things worse. She couldn’t look at him. ‘I’m sorry.’
He put a hand under her chin and lifted her face up until she was looking at him. She tried to look away.
‘Beth. I pulled away because I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.’ He moved closer until he made eye contact.
Beth wrenched away from him. ‘You don’t want anything serious and we work together so you don’t want a one-night stand either. I get it. Now let me go.’
‘See. I told you you’d get the wrong idea.’
She must have heard him wrong. She looked up. Through the blur of tears, she was aware that he wore an expression she’d never seen before. If she didn’t know better, she’d have called it fear. But this was Hibs: he wasn’t afraid of anything.
‘I’ve loved you since … Jesus, Beth, I don’t even know how long. Since the day I met you.’ He squeezed his eyes shut and reopened them. ‘I stopped you just now because I don’t want things to happen like this. You’re not like the others. You’re special. I want to do things properly.’ He frowned. ‘Am I making sense?’
‘No.’ She had no idea what he was going on about. But she’d heard him right. He’d just said he loved her. Suddenly hundreds of little things fell into place. The gestures of incredible kindness. The total antipathy to Gordon. The flirting in the pub the night Gordon came back. This was Hibs trying to tell her he loved her. The first rush of happiness made her head spin. He wanted her! She hadn’t made an idiot of herself. But a little voice niggled. If he loved her so much, why hadn’t he just asked her out? It’s not like he was shy or anything.
‘I’ve been with lots of girls, Beth. None of them have made me feel the way you do. I don’t want to just sleep with you; I want to spend every minute of every day with you. I want to have a proper relationship with you.’ He moved his hands as though he was desperate to do something with them but didn’t know what. He gave an exasperated-sounding tsch. ‘Look, can I take you out to dinner or something?’
He was in his lab coat, his face flushed from running down the stairs. He still had that slightly panicky edge to his voice. And he appeared to be asking her out on a date. It all felt so surreal that Beth felt the sudden urge to giggle. ‘And do what?’ she said. ‘Get to know each other?’
Hibs let go of her bike and rubbed the bridge of his nose. ‘Give me a break, Tyler. I’m trying to do the right thing here.’
She recognised the familiar rush she felt. She wanted him. Of course she did. Did she love him? Had she just mistaken love for friendship? Right now, she wanted to be with him, to be warm and loved and safe. But she wasn’t sure if there was anything more than that. It wasn’t fair to let him think there was.
‘Hibs. I’m not sure …’
Hibs shook his head. ‘I’m not asking you to love me, Beth. You’ve just split up with Gordon. You’re not ready – I get that. I just didn’t want you to think that you’re another notch on the bedpost.’
She nodded as though she understood. ‘So. What happens now?’
Hibs frowned. ‘I’m not sure.’ His eyes locked on hers and he leaned closer. ‘How about we start here?’ He kissed her. It wasn’t a slightly stunned kiss like before, but a proper kiss, warm and wanting. Beth felt it in the depths of her, heating her up from the pit of her stomach. She slid her hand up to his face, her thumb brushing his cheekbone, and he responded by pulling her closer. Beth gave herself up to feelings she’d forgotten how to have. She felt wanted and excited and … protected. When he finally drew back, she was surprised she hadn’t melted into a puddle. If he could reduce her to mush just with a kiss, she definitely wanted more. But …
‘How about a trial period,’ said Hibs. ‘No commitment.’
‘How is that different to all your other women?’
‘Because I promise to hang around for as long as you want me. The lack of commitment is all on your side. Deal?’
Beth laughed. ‘Tell you what, how about you buy me a cup of coffee and we’ll take it from there?’
‘Deal.’ He gave her an apologetic smile. ‘I just need to finish up in the lab …’
Beth nodded. He didn’t need to explain that to her. ‘Science is a cruel mistress, huh?’
‘Exactly.’
She got off her bike and turned it round. ‘I’ll help you.’
Hibs took the bike from her and wheeled it along with one hand. They walked side by side.
Beth realised that she was smiling. Somehow, she felt lighter than before. Happy, in some indefinable way. She glanced over at Hibs and saw that he was smiling too. She reached across and took his free hand. His fingers wrapped around hers. They walked back to the lab hand in hand, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
By the time they finished up in the lab, most coffee p
laces were shut. ‘I can make you a coffee,’ Hibs suggested. ‘Your place or mine?’
‘Yours.’ There was always the risk of running into Anna if they went back to her flat.
Hibs’s house was only a tiny one-bedroomed place, but still a real grown-up house. The front door opened straight into the living room, which had hardly any furniture in it. The only evidence of regular use was a fleece lying on the table and a stack of papers on the sofa.
Beth had been there before; it was nice, homely, if a little spartan for her taste.
Hibs drew the curtains and returned to Beth. ‘So, what can I get you? Tea, coffee, hot Ribena?’
‘You’re serious about this coffee thing?’
‘Of course. That’s what we came here for. I wouldn’t want to have brought you here under false pretences.’ He was very close to her now; she looked into his grey eyes and saw the laughter in them.
‘Oh shut up.’ She reached up and put her arms around his neck.
He laughed and pulled her to him. There was no hesitation in his kiss. Beth felt as though her whole body were liquid. She kissed him back, wanting him more and more with each second. She found the hairband that was keeping his hair back and tugged it off. His hair smelled of expensive shampoo and it slid over her hands, soft and heavy. The sensation was incredibly arousing. Beth gave a little moan.
Hibs took her hand and led her up the narrow staircase and into his bedroom.
She helped him pull off his T-shirt. His body was lean and toned. Beth ran her hand over the smattering of hair on his chest. Gordon’s chest had been smooth where he’d removed his body hair to reduce drag in the pool. She’d forgotten what honest body hair looked like. They shed the rest of their clothes and Hibs pulled her to him, kissing her. His hair fell onto her shoulder like an extra caress.
They kissed for what seemed like hours, yet not long enough. By the time Hibs laid her on the bed, she wanted him so much she thought she’d explode. He moved on top of her and, suddenly, she was reminded of Gordon crushing her. The flashback was so vivid she let out an involuntary cry.
Hibs froze. ‘What’s wrong?’ He moved off her and rolled onto his side, next to her. ‘Beth?’
‘Nothing. It’s nothing.’ She reached for him. No, no, no. She’d had the chance to have something good and she’d ruined it. She wanted him so much but she’d blown it. She felt a wave of self-pity well up inside her. The happy buzz vanished and tears threatened.
He sat up and turned on the lamp. ‘Beth? What’s the matter?’
With the light on, she was suddenly terribly aware of her nakedness. She was lying on top of the duvet and there was nothing to cover herself with. Feeling exposed and vulnerable, she scrambled into a sitting position, pulling her knees up in front of her.
‘Tell me what’s bothering you. If you don’t tell me, I can’t help.’ Hibs reached across and picked up his T-shirt. He passed it to her.
Beth took it in both hands. It was as though he’d read her mind. The simple act of kindness was like a raindrop after a drought. He hadn’t even paused to think, just handed her the T-shirt because he saw she felt exposed. How had she forgotten what normal people did for each other? She pulled the T-shirt on and felt its comforting warmth cover her. Hibs was watching her, sitting naked on the bed, his face creased with worry. Suddenly it was all too much. The emotions she’d been keeping at bay burst over her in one massive sob.
Hibs gathered her to him and held her. ‘Shhh.’ He rocked her gently and kissed her hair until the sobbing subsided. ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’ He sounded worried and flustered. ‘I can’t help if you don’t tell me.’
Curled up against him, with her face buried in the hollow of his neck, she told him. When she got to the bit where Gordon suffocated her, she felt him draw a sharp breath and go very still. The feelings of fear and shame that she’d felt the morning after Gordon’s attack came back. What was Hibs thinking? Gordon would have told her it was her fault – did Hibs think the same? She looked up. His jaw was clenched so hard that a vein was throbbing in his neck. He was angry. With her?
‘Hibs?’
He looked down. At the sight of her, his face softened. ‘Oh, Beth. I had no idea. If I’d known I wouldn’t have …’ He planted a kiss on her forehead. His arms tightened around her and he rested his cheek against the top of her head. ‘Beth? Have you considered going to the police?’
She looked up. ‘The police?’
He stared at her with a puzzled frown. ‘He raped you,’ he said, as though it were obvious. Rape? She hadn’t thought of it like that. She had focused so much on the fact that she couldn’t breathe. She had asked Gordon to stop. Hadn’t she?
‘He was my boyfriend,’ she said, carefully. ‘We were having sex. No one will believe that I didn’t consent.’ He would lie. He would be charming and disarming and she would be a dithering mess. No one would believe her. She sighed. ‘I should have said “no” clearer. I should have—’
‘Should have nothing,’ Hibs said. ‘No one has the right to treat another human being like that. He isolated you from your friends. He tried to control everything in your life. I bet he’s done little things to you before like that – to punish you for breaking some arbitrary rule. Am I right?’
She thought about the past few weeks with Gordon. She went to the pub without telling him and he made her late for the lab meeting. Saying no to putting him in the calendar led to him half killing her. She thought about the episode with the T-shirt and wondered what had prompted that. What had happened before? They’d had a conversation about Hibs fancying her. Had she somehow let on that she was attracted to him? Perhaps Gordon had seen the way Hibs felt about her. He was still holding her tight, and she looked up at him. Hibs moved to meet her gaze.
‘Do you remember that day when Gordon and I were messing around in the kitchen …?’
‘When I got back from the cinema with Anna? Oh I remember that all right.’ He nodded. ‘He wanted to make sure I saw you.’
‘You saw?’ Gordon hadn’t just been trying to humiliate her. He’d been using her to show Hibs who was boss. Gordon had wanted show Hibs that Beth belonged to him and would have made sure that Hibs had seen her. ‘Oh god. I thought you hadn’t seen. You said …’
‘He grinned at me before he followed you into the room,’ Hibs said. ‘I figured the fact that he wanted me to see you was a good enough reason to pretend I hadn’t.’
Beth groaned and curled around herself.
‘I’ll come with you to the police,’ Hibs said.
She shook her head. Apart from everything else, she would have to tell people what Gordon had done. What she’d allowed him to do. She felt small and stupid.
A loud beeping interrupted her thoughts. Hibs groaned, untangled himself and slipped off the bed to retrieve the lab timer from the pocket of his jeans.
‘Two o’clock already?’
Hibs stood in the middle of the floor, looking from his timer to Beth and back again. ‘Screw it.’ He threw the timer on the floor and got back in the bed.
‘But your time point.’
‘I’ll just have to redo the experiment tomorrow. I can’t leave you now.’
She knew better than anyone what that meant. He would have another night of work, and they’d both been mentally counting down the days until they could have a proper night’s sleep. Besides, Hibs was married to his work. That he’d even considered missing his reading because of her was incredible. She felt a little bubble of happiness that he cared enough for her to do that. ‘What happened to “science is a cruel mistress”?’
‘But you’re upset. This is more important than an experiment. It’s more important than anything.’
She gave him a push. ‘I’m okay. I’ll still be here when you get back.’ He hesitated and she could almost feel the pull of his choices. Hibs alw
ays put his work first; she didn’t want to get in the way of that. ‘You mean to tell me,’ she said, ‘you’d mess up a scientific experiment because you were too busy getting laid?’
His eyes wrinkled up in a smile. ‘Well, when you put it like that …’ He slid out of bed. ‘You’re sure you’ll be okay?’
She nodded. Oddly, she knew she would. She felt safe here in his house, in his bed, wearing his T-shirt. It was funny that it had taken her all this time to realise that Hibs made her feel safe. She snuggled down under the duvet and watched him pull his clothes back on. Now that she was properly tucked up, the day caught up with her. She hadn’t slept properly in weeks.
He knelt on the floor beside the bed and brought his face level with hers. ‘Thank you.’
She wondered sleepily what he was thanking her for.
Hibs got back to the house and let himself in. It didn’t look any different to normal. For one scary moment, he thought perhaps he’s imagined kissing Beth. He took the stairs two at a time and rushed to his bedroom. Beth was curled into a ball in the middle of his bed, fast asleep. He sat and watched her sleep for a moment. Poor Beth. He thought about how spaced out she’d been after Gordon had attacked her. He’d known something was wrong, but he hadn’t pushed her hard enough to tell him. How did you cope with stuff like that? Nothing in his experience had prepared him for this. He wanted to help, but he had no idea how. He was completely out of his depth. He checked the time. It was three in the morning and everyone he could think of was asleep now. He would talk to Lara in the morning. She might know what to do.
He climbed into bed next to Beth. She stirred, but didn’t wake as he tucked an arm around her and fell asleep.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Beth hummed to herself as she worked. Next to her, the Bunsen flame hissed straight and blue. She labelled some petri dishes and started inoculating them. Behind her, Hibs was doing his own work. She felt acutely aware of him. Every so often, they would make eye contact and smile.
