The world made sense again. A stillness enveloped him. It was just his breathing, and his pounding heart, and the rumble of steel on steel approaching. Black and white, all as it should be. But then another noise punched through the silence, a shrill noise. It was very distant and like the train it was building. At first he didn’t realize what it was. But when he knew his stomach dropped.
Sirens.
They were coming for him. Opening his eyes he looked down the track, still nothing.
The sirens built to a crescendo and looking to the exit he could see blue lights flashing, as car after car screeched into the train station car park. Engines running, doors opening, boots hitting the tarmac.
And there it was, on the track, somewhere close by. His train. Its rumblings starting just as a whisper slowly built. Within a minute or so it would take form, passing at speed where he stood. A minute or so until the driver watched in horror as police tried and failed to stop a man stepping off of the platform. He knew he wouldn’t wait for a middle carriage now. He would let it hit him head on. He looked down the line. Its lights bounced off of the steel track that veered to the left. He still couldn’t see it, but it was there. He just wished it would hurry up.
Chris turned his back to the track and watched as six police officers came into the station. Chris took a step closer to the edge. He glanced to the clock: 10.47 p.m. If it had been on time, he would already be dead.
‘Mr Hayes. Mr Hayes.’
He didn’t look at them. But focused on the space under the bench where his note sat. The small black stone that was his heart on top.
‘Mr Hayes, step away from the track.’
He could hear them talking, but it was like they weren’t there. It was like they were a memory hanging on in a space that couldn’t be fully accessed. He looked at them, their actions and calming gestures fake. Animated. In slow motion. He almost laughed at how they looked. So false – like characters from a bad television programme. One took a small step towards him, and immediately stopped when Chris leant back, his heels over the edge of the track.
He hoped that when he killed himself the monster in him had nowhere to go and vanished. He hated the idea of taking it with him.
Seeing his reflection in the vending machine as it flickered he saw the monster looking back. It looked beaten. Chris knew that it had failed and Steve hadn’t died like he thought. It allowed him to smile. Steve was alive and had told the police. They would have found Sarah. It was the only way they would know he was here. He felt a small joy knowing there were two people in this world who loved him and they were okay. It felt like, for the first time in over a year, something was going right for him. But still, Julia was waiting.
There was one more thing to do. One more wrong to right.
To his left, he saw the train begin to come around the corner. He knew, from the many times he had been there it was twenty-two seconds until it passed.
‘Mr Hayes, please. Step towards us.’
20 seconds.
‘Do you know what I’ve done?’
‘Yes, Chris, we know. Let us help you.’
‘If you want to help, leave.’
‘We can’t do that.’
The lead police officer took a step towards him.
‘Don’t fucking come any closer. Don’t.’
‘Okay, I’m sorry. I won’t.’
‘I didn’t mean to do it.’
‘Come with us, Chris. We can help.’
15 seconds.
‘There is nothing you can do that will help. I’m sick.’
‘We can get you a doctor.’
‘There isn’t a cure for my sort of illness. Have they found her yet?’
‘Yes, Sarah is safe.’
‘I meant my wife.’
‘They are looking for her now, if your directions are correct.’
‘They’re correct; she’s there. Make sure she gets the service she deserves.’
The train sounded its horn, the driver seeing the commotion in front of him. Hoping his signal would clear the man away from the edge.
10 seconds.
Suddenly everything was gone and he was back outside in the rain, flushed and drunk as Julia pulled him in and kissed him hard. His lips tingling as she did before she closed the taxi door and drove away, their eyes not leaving each other’s until she disappeared. He thought of their quick romance, and then marrying to ensure her mother knew before she passed. He thought of the honeymoon with his wife and the lazy Spanish sunshine that he knew was his favourite moment of his short life. He thought of his wife’s energy, humour, and passion. And how he had robbed her of it.
‘I didn’t mean to kill my wife.’ Chris sobbed.
‘Why don’t you come with us and tell us all about it?’
‘I can’t do that. I love her.’ He had to shout over the fast-approaching train. ‘I need to be with her.’
‘Chris, I’m coming to get you. We only want to help.’
‘Don’t, please, I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. If you come any closer I’ll end up killing you with me.’
‘Then take a step towards me. Let’s make sure both you and I don’t die tonight.’
Chris took a small step forwards, his entire foot back on the platform. The officer saw it.
‘Good, that’s it, Chris. Come a little closer.’
Chris raised his left foot to take one more step. One step would be okay. They still couldn’t quite grab him despite them creeping closer and closer towards the edge. He placed it down and could see the police officers’ body language shift, tension lifting as they saw that he wasn’t going to do it. The lead one spoke more softly, his eyes on Chris’s, a smile showing on his face.
‘That’s it, Chris, a few more steps.’
‘I didn’t mean to kill her.’
‘Okay, then let’s talk about it. Let’s find out what happened.’
He looked towards the train, so close he could see the driver who shifted in his chair, terrified at what would come next. Chris took another small step towards the safety of the police officer’s outstretched hand.
5 seconds.
‘Will she get a proper burial?’
‘Yes, of course.
‘Will I get to say goodbye to her?’
‘Yes, Chris, just come a little closer and we can talk about it all.’
Then he heard it. That mechanical voice.
‘The next train to arrive does not stop. Please stand back from the platform edge.’
4 seconds.
Chris looked into the eye of the speaking officer and took one smaller step. The officer leant forwards, wanting to walk towards him but knowing if he did he could still be in harm’s way. He would have to wait for Chris to move once more, just once more. They were only two feet apart.
‘Make sure everyone knows what a wonderful person she was.’
Chris took a step back towards the edge and once his foot was planted he pushed off from it, throwing himself backwards towards the track. He heard three voices shout and saw the officer launch for him, both of his feet leaving the ground in slow motion, his eyes fixed and solely focused on saving Chris.
The world slowed down, allowing Chris to look around, take in the station one last time. Leaves and discarded Coke cans on the platform exploded off of the floor all around as the wind from the train flooded onto the platform.
2 seconds.
Chris looked to his right, the two eyes of the monster coming to take him. His arms outstretched and behind, ensuring he couldn’t try and grab the policeman who had landed on the floor, missing his target. The train lights blinded him, forcing his eyes shut. And then he saw Julia once more, smiling under the covers, hiding her embarrassed face from his. Her look telling him she knew it was love.
Back when it was something pure, back when it all made sense.
Copyright
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
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First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2017
Copyright © Darren O’Sullivan 2017
Darren O’Sullivan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
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E-book Edition © July 2017 ISBN: 9780008257637
Our Little Secret: The most gripping debut psychological thriller you’ll read this year Page 24
