“I blame myself too,” he said, actually starting to cry now. “I brought you here to connect with you and ended up losing you. They say everything happens for a reason, but I’ll never understand this.”
He got up and walked to the mantle. I noticed as he got up, that he had something in his hands. It was a beautiful sealed vase. He placed it on the mantle and stepped back.
“I love you, Son,” he said, still crying.
I was speechless as he turned around and walked right past me, still not even looking at me. He walked right out the door.
I walked to the mantle with slow hesitation. The engraving on the vase read ‘Ethan Walker - Loving Son - 1970-1987.’
I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. I put my hand on the mantle to keep from falling as I leaned my head down, trying to process what was happening.
He believed that Ethan was dead. How could that be? What was happening? I looked at the vase again. Why would he believe Ethan was dead if it weren’t true? I tried to think logically, even though everything seemed surreal.
I steadied myself and looked up at the vase again. I picked it up. It was heavy. Ashes are heavy. I sat down in the chair and held the vase, contemplating what to do, what to think, how to feel. I was startled to hear someone at the door. It was Ethan.
“Sarah, are you OK? I got here as fast as I could.”
He was still wound up. I had already forgotten about the men in the woods.
“Sarah?” He walked over to me, concerned.
I turned around to face him, still holding the vase. All I could do was stare at him.
“What is that?” he asked, pointing at the vase.
“Your father was here,” I finally said.
“He was here?” he asked incredulously. “You saw him?” He asked me hesitantly, “Did he see you?”
I ignored his question. “Ethan, explain this to me.” I showed him the vase.
He looked at the inscription, tears forming in his eyes. “Oh God,” he said as he stared at it.
My voice was shaky as I questioned him, terrified of what I thought I was about to hear. “Ethan, why does your father think you’re dead? How could these be your ashes?”
He kneeled down beside me and gently took the vase to look at it, rubbing his fingers over the engraving before setting it down. He took my hand and looked me in the eyes.
“Because I am dead,” he answered.
I gasped as I quickly pulled my hand away. Again I struggled to breathe and tried to comprehend, because my mind couldn’t accept what was happening. I was scared, confused, and angry.
I jumped up and backed away from him. “No, no this can’t be happening!”
“Don’t be scared, Sarah.”
I backed up against the wall, my heart beating wildly with fear. When I could finally find my voice again, I stated my realization. “So, that day when you were hunting and you were shot…Oh my God.” I wanted to run away screaming, like I always thought I would do in a situation like this, but I was frozen. “So you’re…a ghost?”
Again he nodded.
“Oh my God,” I said again as I began to lose my balance, feeling faint.
Ethan rushed over to help me, but I tried to get away from him.
“Sarah, don’t be afraid. I’m the same person you’ve been with since yesterday morning,” he tried to reassure me.
“You’re not a person, you’re a ghost!”
He looked hurt by my clarification. I retrieved my drawing of him to study it again. How could I not know? I couldn’t believe he was a ghost. I had been spending all of this time with a ghost.
“I’m sorry, but how am I supposed to process this, Ethan?” I asked. “I mean….why didn’t you tell me?”
“You would have just wanted to run away from me, and like I said, I was trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from the truth? Be honest with me, Ethan! Stop trying to protect me!”
He was silent.
Ever since I met him, I had been thinking that he seemed too good to be true, because he wasn’t real. Only I had really been falling for him. He was right, though, I would have run away from him immediately had I realized. I thought again of the men Ethan told me to run away from.
“What else were you protecting me from? Who were those men in the woods?” I thought for a moment. “Are they ghosts too?”
“Yes.”
“Wow.” I shook my head and sat down on the bed. It was too much. “I’ve never seen a ghost until now, not even when I wanted to.” I thought of Alexis, and how often I begged for a sign from her or wondered if she could somehow see me. Why couldn’t I see her? Why all of a sudden was I able to see all these spirits?
“I could sense that those men, spirits, whatever they are…I could tell that they’re dangerous,” I said. “Buy why?”
“There are good and bad spirits, just like there are good and bad people,” he explained.
“So you wanted to protect me from them and from the truth about you. Is that all?”
He wouldn’t answer.
“Are there any other ghosts around here?” I asked, trying to add humor in my attempt to deal with it all.
He just stared at me.
“What is it?” I asked.
The look on his face showed pain. He started to tear up as he continued to look me in the eyes. He was trying to tell me something without saying the words.
My mind flashed back. Everything had seemed so strange since my accident, the accident that I so easily walked away from and shouldn’t have survived…and then I realized.
“No!” I whispered, shaking my head and not wanting to believe. Ethan walked toward me again as I tried to back away from him. “No!” I said louder, and then I screamed, “No! Ethan! No! Tell me it’s not true!” I began shaking and crying hysterically.
He tried to put his arms around me, but I wouldn’t let him. I ran out the door.
“Sarah, wait!” he yelled.
I didn’t let him stop me as I ran as fast as I could down the trail and back to my car. I had to confirm my fear. Besides, Ethan couldn’t protect me anymore.
5. I Should Have Told Her
I tried to convince myself that I had good reasons. When it happened to me, I wished I could have had more time to believe that I was still alive. I dreaded having to watch her realize the truth. She was so innocent, sweet, and angelic, despite her attempt to be tough. I hated to admit that my reasons were also selfish. I wanted to spend time with her.
I’d known a lot of girls before I died and in the afterlife, but I had never felt so drawn to anyone like I immediately was to Sarah. She was funny and serious, trusting and stubborn. She was beautiful because she wasn’t perfect, but I already knew that she was perfect for me.
I couldn’t let her go. Of course she was angry with me for not telling her the truth, although I tried to before we were interrupted in the woods, but she needed me. Deep down I was sure she believed that.
She was already at the scene of her accident when I caught up with her, but there was nothing to see. When I left her at the cabin the day before, I went there to see for myself what had happened. By the time I arrived, they were already towing her car away. She was so worried about contacting her parents, but I didn’t want her to see their pain. I certainly didn’t want her to find out that way. The phone in the cabin was working fine, but nobody could hear her spirit speaking.
I slowly approached her. She was sitting on the ground in a fetal position by the tree where her car had crashed. As scared as she was, she looked somewhat relieved once she saw me. I sat down next to her. I would wait for her to recover. I’d let her speak first.
“You should have been honest with me from the beginning,” she said.
“I know.”
“It’s so unfair. Don’t tell me God had a reason for taking my sister’s life and mine. No parent should have to lose a child, let alone two!”
She started crying again, and I put my arms around her. She didn’t pull away t
his time. I held her for as long as it took for her to let it all out. I understood. It was a pain I dealt with relentlessly. Nobody should have to experience it. I waited for the questions I knew she would ask.
“Why am I here, Ethan?” She slowly released herself from my embrace and looked in my eyes.
“We’re all here for different reasons.”
“Is there really a…heaven? Or hell? Why am I not there?”
“I still don’t have all the answers, Sarah.”
“But we should have the answers now! I always thought that when I died I would learn the truth about everything! Answers to the real questions, like is there a God? Do heaven and hell exist? Do aliens exist? Everything!”
“I know. Me too. I’ve already been experiencing everything you are, already asking all the same questions. I still don’t understand everything, but I’ll show you and teach you everything I do know, if you’ll let me.”
“Believe me,” she said. “I don’t want to leave your side.”
She leaned back against me. It felt so good to have my arms wrapped around her as I leaned against the tree she crashed into. I didn’t want to move, but we needed to get away from the forest and the scenes of our deaths.
I gently pushed her hair away from her neck and whispered in her ear, “Come with me.”
I slowly released my embrace, and she turned around to look at me. “Where?”
I took her hand and pulled her up. “We need to get out of here. We need to get our minds off of all this, at least for a while. Let’s go to a party.”
“A party?” She looked at me like I was insane, and I couldn’t help a light chuckle.
“Yeah. There is an entire realm of spirit life out there.”
She looked at me curiously.
“I’m sure you’ve noticed that you haven’t been hungry, thirsty, or physically tired. We still need to rest our minds occasionally, but our spirits guide us completely now, not our bodies’ needs or capabilities. Now, close your eyes. Hold on to me and concentrate on keeping your spirit connected with mine.”
She was somewhat hesitant, but she closed her eyes, and I put my arms around her.
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
I smiled. “Guide our spirits to the party.”
6. The Spirit of Sarah
I held on tight to Ethan’s spirit like he asked, but I would have followed him anywhere. He was all I had in the afterlife, if you could call it that.
We arrived at our destination so quickly that I couldn’t believe it. Well, actually I could, because nothing surprised me anymore, or so I thought, until we walked in.
The house was amazing. It actually looked like a huge, beautiful church and a mansion combined. I didn’t spend too much time observing the decorating, though, because the guests were far more interesting. This was a huge party and the most diverse crowd I had ever seen.
“These are all spirits?” I asked Ethan, clinging to his arm.
He smiled at me. “Have you ever wanted to meet someone from the 1800’s?” He pointed to a woman who apparently was, by the look of her dress and hat.
“Or how about someone who came over on the Mayflower?”
I looked at him incredulously. “So all these people, I mean spirits, from all walks of life and all periods of time, just hang out together?”
“Pretty cool, huh?”
I smiled and rolled my eyes. At least there were some perks. This was going to be pretty interesting.
I timidly followed him through the mansion, holding his hand. “I’m not very dressed up for a party like this.”
“You’re perfect. Just be yourself. That’s all they really see anyway. The bodies we leave behind are wearing our actual clothing.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry. You’re not naked,” he laughed. “We see what you project, what you want us to see, which is usually how we looked before we died.”
“So the outfit I died in, I have to wear or project it for eternity?”
He smiled. “No, you may change if you wish. I’ll have my friend Priscilla help you out.”
Wonderful. Who was Priscilla? I tried not to be jealous as I imagined her to be stunning.
“Ethan!” yelled out a female voice. Was it her?
She quickly approached us and gave Ethan a hug. She was stunning. Damn it.
“Where have you been?” she asked him, and then she noticed me, as I still was clinging to his arm. She had a British accent and sounded friendly. Ethan seemed very happy to see her, but also to introduce me.
“Priscilla, I’d like for you to meet Sarah.”
She smiled brightly at me. “Hi, Sarah.” She held out her hand, and I shook it.
“Nice to meet you meet you, Priscilla.”
“So you’re actually willing to be seen with this guy?” she asked jokingly while she jabbed Ethan’s arm.
Ethan rolled his eyes and then embarrassed me by asking, “Hey Priscilla, do you have something Sarah can change into? Not that she needs to, but she said that she feels out of place.”
My face turned red as I glared at Ethan.
Priscilla answered, “Nobody should feel out of place here, darling, but I know where you’re coming from. Most of us don’t want to stay looking how we did when we arrived.”
She put her arm around me. “Come with me, dear,” she said.
I looked at Ethan. I was nervous to leave his side.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said to me in a low voice, and then he kissed my hand.
Priscilla smiled at us. “Follow me,” she said to me with a wink.
OK, so Priscilla was really cool. She was also beautiful. I guessed that she was in her mid-twenties and probably from the 70’s era. She looked like she just stepped out of Studio 54. She was tall and slender, and dressed in a silky blue halter jump suit that accentuated her tan shoulders and back, big hoop earrings, and platform shoes. Her brunette hair was long and straight. This was a woman who did not go unnoticed.
She flowed through the crowd like she owned it. Her right hand held mine, and her left hand held a martini. Everyone seemed to know her.
I followed her up a huge staircase made of dark, richly carved wood and lined with velvet red carpet. The entire house looked very gothic.
She kept chatting to me as we headed up the stairs. “You know, it’s so funny. The living always picture us wandering around like zombies, always wearing the clothes we passed away in. They believe we can move objects, yet we’re not capable of changing our appearance,” she laughed. “I like your shirt, though! Depeche Mode.” She sounded out the words, obviously never having heard of them.
She led me into a bedroom that was just as richly decorated, including a fireplace and a large canopy bed. Then we walked into the closet. It was a fantasy. All the clothing I had ever owned could not add up to this much. Monica would go crazy. It made me sad to think of her.
“What do you think?” Priscilla asked as she lounged on the large, silky gold chair next to the floor length mirror.
“I’m speechless,” I said with a laugh.
“Choose anything you like. Most of it is probably before your time, but think of it as cool vintage. Fashion always comes back around full circle,” she said smiling. Then she sighed. “When did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?”
I knew what she was asking. I answered her as I began browsing through the clothes, “A couple of days ago.”
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed as she sat up straight. “You’re holding up a lot better than I did.”
“When did you…?” I asked her.
“1978. I overdosed.”
I felt bad for bringing it up. Leave it to me to spoil a party mood.
“Stupid me, huh?” she added, forcing herself to smile and return to her good mood. “I always loved a party. Still do.”
I noticed she was still holding her drink.
“I thought we couldn’t eat food or drink anymore,” I said.
&nb
sp; She laughed. “We don’t, of course, but it’s not a party if I don’t have a drink in my hand. It feels natural.”
I selected a pair of low-fitting, somewhat bell-bottom jeans and a white short-sleeved peasant top with embroidered flowers. It was my attempt to look dressy and casual at the same time. I held the outfit up to me to see how it would look. Priscilla and I assessed me in the mirror.
“Perfect. Now turn around and hand it to me.”
A bit confused, I did what she asked.
“Now, look at yourself in the mirror,” she said.
I hesitantly turned back around to face the mirror and gasped at what I saw. I could see myself in the outfit.
“Pretty cool, huh? If only I could have done this when I was alive, I would have saved a fortune!” she exclaimed.
I had to laugh. She had a way about her that was fascinating, yet made me feel comfortable at the same time. I also couldn’t believe the big show Ethan put on when he pretended to change his clothes in the cabin.
“Ethan will like it,” she added, smiling.
This made me feel awkward again.
“Don’t worry,” she added. “Ethan and I have only been friends. He’s a sweet boy, and I adore him, but we’re not each other’s type. I always picked the extravagant ones,” she said as she motioned to all the décor. “This house belongs to my husband.”
“Your husband?” I asked. I was surprised to hear this.
She smiled. “He spends most of his time in London now. It’s too painful for him to stay here in our house. He still misses me terribly. I keep telling him to move on, but I myself have not been able to.”
“Wait a minute. You keep telling him? How?”
“We talk all the time actually,” she clarified.
Before I could ask more questions, she suggested we get back downstairs.
“So what do you think of this scene?” she asked me as we headed down the staircase. Modern party music was playing while guests from all different eras mingled, laughed, and danced together. I even noticed a very distinguished young man, who looked like he was a powerful figure from the Revolutionary War, making out with a woman dressed like a 60’s go-go girl.
Sarah's Solace Page 4
