“What are you doing?” she asked.
“It’s for Brian.”
“He’s really cute.”
“Yeah, he is,” I answered, but not too enthusiastically.
“So why are you hesitating?” she asked. She knew me too well.
“I don’t know. We do have a lot in common, but he lives two hours away, and he doesn’t know just how young I am.”
“Who cares? Have some fun, Sarah!”
“He is fun to talk to,” I admitted.
Brian was waiting for me patiently when I returned.
“Hey, you’re back!” he said. “Sometimes girls use the bathroom excuse to ditch a guy.”
I laughed. “Not this time.”
I noticed we were the only ones left on the balcony now.
Brian smiled and looked me in the eyes. “So, do you have a boyfriend? I’ll be surprised if you don’t.”
I blushed. How could I answer that? “Yes and no,” I said.
“Well then do you mind if I do this?” he asked as he slowly leaned in to kiss me.
My heart began to beat wildly as I knew I had to make a quick decision. I chose not to decide. I was tired of asking questions that weren’t being answered about Ethan. I gave in. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back. We kissed slowly and gently, and it felt really good…but it wasn’t like kissing Ethan. When the kiss ended, I felt guilty again. I cleared my throat and ran my fingers through my hair, looking away.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that so soon,” he said.
“No, that’s OK. I’ve had a really good time…but we have to drive all the way back to Willows tonight, so I better get going.” I would have to convince Phil and Monica to leave then.
“That’s too bad. Can I have your number then?”
“Sure.” I forced a smile. I took a pen and piece of paper out of my purse and wrote it down.
“Cool. Thanks.” He quickly kissed me on the cheek. “Have a safe trip home.”
“We will. Bye, Brian.”
Monica pumped me for all the details on the way back to Willows, but I convinced her we would have to wait for girl talk later. Phil was smart enough to take it easy on the beer so he could drive, but Monica hadn’t been so careful. We had to pull over once so she could throw up as I held her hair back. After that, we both fell asleep until we got home.
My parents were asleep when I got in, so I quietly changed into my pajamas, but I wasn’t ready to go to bed. Too many thoughts were still swimming in my head, so I decided to go draw again.
I sat down at the drawing pad and then flipped back the pages to again look at the picture I drew a few days earlier, the one of Ethan and me leaning against the tree.
I gasped from fear when I saw it. Written across my chest on the drawing was the word ‘CHEATER!’ in red paint! No. I couldn’t breathe. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest.
“Oh my God! Ethan, no!” It had to be Ethan. He had been watching me. What had I done? “Come talk to me! Let me explain!” I cried desperately.
My mom opened the door. “Sarah, are you OK?”
She started to look at the drawing. “What’s that?”
I quickly tore off the page and crumbled it up. “Nothing.”
“Are you crying?”
I tried to hide it, but she knew better. “No, I’m fine. I just, messed up on my drawing and got really mad.”
“OK. Well, try to get some sleep.”
“I will. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, honey.”
Once she left the room, I unfolded the drawing. I was getting angrier the more I looked at it. This meant Ethan had been around the whole time, but hadn’t let me know.
“If you’re here, Ethan, let me know right now!” I demanded in a whisper.
I got no response. I was so tired of this. If he wasn’t here now, then I had to find him one way or another. We both had some explaining to do.
I called Monica as soon as I got up.
“Hey…Sarah,” she said. She sounded ill and half asleep, definitely hung over. “Did I throw up on you last night?”
“Almost.”
“I’m going to try to be more like you, Sarah. I’m never drinking again.”
“Sure.”
“So, what’s up?”
“Sorry to bother you with this right now, but you mind if I borrow your car today?”
“I don’t care. I’m not going anywhere. Only my parents won’t approve. Where do you need to go? I can take you once I start feeling better.”
“No. You should rest up. Or you could pick me up then go to Phil’s, and I’ll take your car from there.” I felt bad asking her to do this, but I was desperate.
“Well, it would be nice to let Phil give me some TLC today,” she said, already sounding in a better mood. “So where are you going? Oh, by the way, what’s up with that guy you met last night?” she asked excitedly.
That was the excuse I needed, even though I hated lying to her.
“Actually I’m going to meet up with him in Sacramento. That’s why I need a car today.”
“Really? Cool!”
“Yeah, so just head over here as soon as you feel up to it. I really appreciate it, Monica.”
“No problem.”
When I pulled away from Phil’s house, I immediately started feeling some anxiety. I hadn’t driven since the accident, but I knew I had to get past the fear. I refused to go the rest of my life without driving. Besides, I was sure the feeling would pass.
I headed toward the country, and eventually I was driving down the same road I was on before the crash. It took me back to that night, back to all the feelings I had. All I had wanted to do that night was escape. Well, I certainly accomplished that. I escaped to another world, another realm, where everything was surreal. I experienced finding love and then losing life at the same time. I met the guy I was meant to be with, then had to lose him, but I was determined to be with him again. I might be young, but I knew the love we had was real.
The road looked beautiful with the autumn leaves in the sunlight. I slowly pulled over to the side where I had my accident and parked the car down a little ways where it was somewhat hidden. I got out and slowly walked over to the tree. There was still some broken glass on the ground. This was the tree Ethan leaned against when he held me in his arms after I discovered I was dead, or so I thought. I touched the tree with my hand as I closed my eyes to remember the moment, and then I walked away. I was on a mission.
I walked quickly down the path. I was determined and anxious. If I could find Ethan anywhere, it had to be here, where I first found him.
I checked every possible place along the way, the spot where he died, and the tree stand where I first saw him, but he was nowhere to be found. I called out his name, but there was no answer.
I started running, faster toward the cabin. Please let him be there. It was my last hope.
The door was locked when I got there. I pounded on it hard. “Ethan! Ethan, if you’re here let me know!”
I waited, but there was no answer. I looked in the windows, but didn’t see anyone inside, and it appeared that nobody had been there recently. I walked around the outside of the cabin, still searching, but there was no sign of him.
Once I circled around to the front of the cabin again, my heart started to race as I noticed that the front door had been opened slightly.
“Ethan!” I yelled as I ran inside.
I was not at all prepared for what I saw.
“Hello, Sarah.”
It was Sawyer. My first instinct was to run as I looked back toward the door, but as scared as I was, all I could do was stand there. He was holding the picture I drew of Ethan when we were together at the cabin, and he smiled at me deviously.
“Nice to see you again,” he said. “Although, I’ve been watching you a lot.”
I couldn’t speak. I just stared at him.
“Don’t be scared of me. You weren’t scared of me the last time I s
aw you.”
“I’m still not.” I lied. It was easier to be brave around him when I thought I was already dead.
He laughed. “You amuse me, Sarah. I see why Ethan enjoyed your company so much.”
He waited for my reaction, but I just waited for him to continue.
“Aren’t you dying to know where he is? You were just frantically calling his name.”
“What have you done with him?” I asked, with all the anger I had.
He continued to smile at me. “So, you think I’ve done something to Ethan. You must have a lot of faith in my power.”
I wasn’t going to let him mess with my head. “I believe that Ethan would win in the end.”
“You have a lot of faith in someone who has let you down.”
He hit a nerve. I looked away from him, giving myself away.
“Don’t worry. He has a habit of making people do what he wants by convincing them it’s the best thing,” he explained.
“What are you talking about?” I tried not to let my voice shake.
“I’m talking about you...and Carla of course.”
Carla. I vaguely remembered Sawyer mentioning her to Ethan on the bridge.
“He didn’t tell you the story? Of course he didn’t.”
I shook my head.
“Carla was my Sarah,” he said.
I couldn’t imagine Sawyer caring for anybody.
He continued, “We died together, because we chose to. We knew that the afterlife would be better than the land of the living. Carla and I had a bond that I believed could never be broken. Neither of us had a good life. All we ever had were disappointments. Broken homes, abuse, and bad luck. But we were lucky enough to find each other.”
He as actually starting to look emotional, which really surprised me. I sat down on the chair in front of the fireplace and continued to listen.
“If you believe in soulmates then you should understand. Only we wanted something more, something better. We didn’t believe that our love alone would be enough to make us happy. We had seen enough in the world. Couples who were married in the name of God got divorced. People hurt each other. Innocent people died over silly wars. The planet Earth is headed for eventual destruction. Tell me, Sarah? Where is God during all of this?”
I didn’t answer.
“So you see my point. You think I’m evil? What is evil really? Evil only exists within man himself. Call it mental illness, greed, whatever, but it all takes place within the mind. It’s not the devil out there influencing them, like everyone would like to believe.”
I wouldn’t admit it, but he was making a good point.
“Same with the good,” he said. “There is good within everyone too. It’s not given to you by God. So what’s the point of following him? Don’t you believe in yourself?”
I remembered what Ethan told me. He makes you doubt.
“So what happened to Carla?” I asked.
“Patience, my dear. Time is always such an issue in the land of the living.”
I rolled my eyes. “Continue then,” I told him.
He smiled. “One thing Carla and I did believe in was spirituality. Carla had already come close to dying once before in the hospital. She saw her body from above, and she already knew what it felt like to be a spirit. She wanted to go back, and I decided I wanted to go with her, so we did.”
I shivered at the thought.
“So we chose to jump,” he continued. “You and Ethan weren’t the only ones reminiscing at the bridge that night I saw you.” He paused for a moment. “It was beautiful.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “I remember every second of it.” He opened his eyes and looked at me. “You should do the same. You want to see Ethan again don’t you?”
“You’re telling me to commit suicide? You really are crazy. I would never do that.”
“OK. Maybe later. Anyway, the spiritual life Carla and I had was more beautiful than I had ever imagined. I knew we were meant to exist that way forever…and we did for a very long time.”
“So what happened?”
Suddenly I could see him getting angry. It was chilling when he spoke again.
“Ethan ruined everything,” he said. “Carla and I were eventually invited, as many spirits are. Only I knew that the light was not for us. I knew we needed to choose the other path. I don’t call it the ‘darkness’. That sounds so negative. It was simply the other path, the one we needed to take. I felt it. Only Ethan convinced her to do otherwise. He’s a fool. He had no right to interfere!”
“But she made the choice,” I said.
This put him into a rage. His eyes turned red and the expression on his face turned to pure hatred as he rushed to me and slammed me against the wall.
“I should kill you right now, just to get back at him!” he yelled as his hand tightened around my neck.
Charged with adrenaline, I tried to pull his arms away as I gasped for air, but my hands went right through him, even though he still had his grip on me.
Suddenly, as if something made him change his mind, he released me, but his voice was still angry. “So you think that you made a choice too, right? After Ethan’s urging of course. Are you happier now? Do you think Carla’s happier without me?”
He pushed my hair out of my face and rubbed my cheek as he spoke. It made me sick to have him touching me. “I’ll get my revenge on Ethan, eventually,” he said smugly, almost seductively. The red in his eyes had disappeared, replaced by a look of confidence. “And as far as you’re concerned, remember what I said before. You will fall eventually and let down your defenses.”
I was afraid to speak again, but I did, holding my throat that still throbbed. “I won’t. Especially knowing that’s what you want…even if I don’t see Ethan again.” It hurt my heart to think that would be true, but I knew I had to be strong.
He laughed. “I know where he is.”
I glared at him.
“And you will let me in someday. I’ll be there when you least expect it.” He backed away from me and headed to the door, but then he noticed my drawing of Ethan that he had dropped. He picked it up and stared at it with a look of loathing. He looked at me again with a smile. “You’ve already been cheating on him anyway,” he said with a chuckle.
Silly me had been wondering if Ethan had been watching me, but I didn’t think about Sawyer. The thought made me more nauseous.
“See ya, Sarah.” He tore my drawing in half and let it fall to the floor before he walked out.
12. The Good, the Bad, and the Longing
I ran after Sawyer with full speed, feeling nothing but rage as I lunged at him, knocking him down to the ground. He fought back hard, but his evil eyes did not deter me. I wasn’t scared of him. I never wanted to kill someone so badly. I would never let him put his hands on Sarah again. I should have been protecting her.
“Chill out, Ethan!” he yelled. “It’s not like you can kill me! We’re already dead!”
“You stay the hell away from her!”
I had him pinned face down while my hand grabbed his hair, about to pound his face into the ground. Only I noticed that he wasn’t even continuing to fight back. He wasn’t as strong as he thought. Reluctantly, I loosened my hold on him.
“I will, man. Just get off me! What’s the point?”
I shoved him down again, and then I got up. He was right. I couldn’t kill him. I couldn’t do anything. I felt completely helpless, but I continued to stare him down, even though I knew he was feeding on my hatred.
“So I guess you could say we’re even now,” I said with disgust. “You can’t be with Carla, and I can’t be with Sarah, but at least Carla is happy and safe. Why are you terrorizing Sarah?”
“Because, we’re not even. You can still be with Sarah.”
“You know I can’t.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Sawyer smiled as he stood back up. “You’re the so-called saint who won’t be with her because you believe that’s what’s best for her. I suppose you want he
r to fall in love with a real person, get married and have babies, blah blah blah. Meanwhile are you just going to watch with envy?”
“Envy is your department, Sawyer. To truly love her is to want what is best for her, not me. You fail to understand that.”
Sawyer’s eyes were filled with grief. “You think Carla is truly happy without me? You know nothing! Now you’ve talked Sarah into making a similar choice, and you can see she’s not happy.”
“She will be.”
“You just keep believing that, Ethan. Anyway, I must be going.”
I could see his little followers emerging from the woods.
“Stay away from Sarah!” I warned him.
“You wouldn’t have sent her back if you didn’t think she could take care of herself,” he answered and then disappeared into the woods.
I immediately went back into the cabin, but Sarah was gone. I had to find her and make sure she was OK. I knew Sawyer terrified her, as hard as she tried not to let it show.
I missed her so much. I had already lost my family, my ex-girlfriend, and my life, but being without Sarah was the greatest loss I had ever felt.
I knew she was furious at me for not keeping my promise, but she never would have returned to life if I hadn’t promised not to leave her side, and she had to return. There was no doubt in my mind that we made the right decision, even if on false pretense.
I believed I was doing the best thing by not allowing us to see each other. Our relationship as it was now would inevitably end, and I had to let her prove to herself, and assure me, that she was capable of moving on without me. She could learn to appreciate her life more than ever, and she would fall in love again.
Only I was so worried about her now. As strong as she was, how could she take any more? I needed to talk with her. Maybe it was time to finally let her see me.
13. Chocolate Chip Cookies
I tried hard to regain my composure. I stayed still, sitting on the chair by the cabin fireplace. I stared at the vase containing Ethan’s ashes. I wanted to stay right where I was until he would one day return. He had to come back, if not to me, then at least to his cabin. It was his sanctuary.
Sarah's Solace Page 10
