He moved his lips in the same direction, down my neck, my chest, and then slowly down further, where he gently pulled up my shirt and kissed my stomach. I was breathing heavily, exhilarated, wondering and anticipating what he would do next as I gently ran my fingers through his hair.
He rose back over me and looked me in the eyes. I saw passion, longing, and sorrow in his. I had never before felt such a connection. I could feel his soul. It was like he was inside of me, yet I still had this insatiable desire.
“Sarah, I never wanted anyone this badly. I would give anything to be flesh and blood again.”
“I’m enjoying this,” I said breathlessly.
“It’s not enough.”
He stopped at that. He slowly and reluctantly sat up.
I exhaled and sat up also, very disappointed at the sudden turn of events, but so happy he was with me again. I knew he was brooding, but I refused to dwell on it. I just put my arms around him and held him close.
18. Intervention
I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I awoke on the sofa with a blanket around me. The fire was still glowing, but I didn’t see Ethan. I sat up quickly, suddenly wide awake and irritated that he kept playing this disappearing act. He had better be somewhere in the house. I searched every room frantically, but he was nowhere to be found.
“Damn it, Ethan!” I yelled out loud. “Where the hell did you go?”
He was really going to hear it from me this time. I was feeling more confident that he wouldn’t just leave me for good without saying something, but I was really tired of him taking off, leaving me wondering and worrying. I sat back down on the sofa and wrapped the blanket around me, staring at the fire as I thought about our dilemma again.
It was all so unfair. I was grateful to be with him, yet so angry every time the thoughts seeped into my head, the realization that something had to give. We couldn’t go on like this forever. I knew it as well as he did, as much as I tried to avoid it. Only why did he have to think about it constantly? Why couldn’t he just enjoy the present? Even though it didn’t feel like enough, I tried to convince myself that it was better than nothing, better than being apart. But the truth was that I couldn’t imagine being without him. I would rather die. I would rather die?
I jumped at the sound of voices talking behind me.
“I like her house. Small, but quaint,” said a female voice with a British accent.
I turned around to see Ethan standing there with a woman, a spirit woman with beautiful hair in a long, blue silky gown, tied at one shoulder.
“Oh my God! Priscilla!” I threw off my blanket and ran over to hug her, once again forgetting to be gentle, but she remained graceful, laughing at my exuberance.
“Hi, Sarah,” she said with a grin. “I’m glad to see you alive and well! I couldn’t believe it when Ethan told me about your coma, and how you were able to go back. It’s amazing!”
I smiled, but only half-heartedly as I looked at Ethan. He put his hand behind my neck and kissed me on the forehead. Priscilla watched us for a moment, knowing.
We all continued to stand there in silence, until Priscilla finally spoke. “So, is there a wet bar in this house?”
I was happy for the distraction and had to laugh. “No, but my mom usually keeps a bottle of wine in the fridge. Let me…”
“No, no,” she answered as she was heading toward the kitchen. “You two talk for a moment while I help myself. I won’t be able to drink it of course, so you can pour it back in when I’m done.”
Ethan smiled and shook his head. I tried to glare at him, but my mood was improved with Priscilla’s presence. “Can you at least leave me a note the next time you take off?” I asked him.
“Sorry.”
“Better yet, no note. Just tell me.” I shook my head. “No, on second thought, just don’t leave me at all.”
“Don’t worry,” he said as he looked away.
He added another log to the fire and then joined me on the sofa, putting his hand on my leg.
Priscilla waltzed back in, drink in hand, smiling at us as she walked over to the stereo, eyeing the albums my parents still kept on the shelf. “Ah, Cher! I love her.” She pulled the album out of the cover and gently lowered it on the player. She closed her eyes when it began to play, swaying back and forth to the music before she turned around and smiled. She then took a seat on the loveseat across from us, crossing her legs and staring us down.
“So,” she said, “shall we cut to the chase?”
I looked at Ethan, confused.
Priscilla now looked very serious. I thought I could see tears in her eyes.
“I understand what you’re going through,” she explained. “But it kills me, no pun intended, to watch my husband every day, knowing I’ll never be alive again, and that he can’t really go on with his life until I leave him alone.”
So this is why he went to get Priscilla. He wanted a third party here, someone who could relate.
“I’m sure he doesn’t want you to leave,” I said, hesitantly. It felt too personal for me to be commenting, but this was a time to be open and honest.
“Of course he doesn’t,” she said with a wave of her hand, “but it’s not what’s best for him.”
“Ugh!” I yelled out, frustrated. “I know where this is going, OK?” I said, standing up.
I looked at Ethan. “So you brought Priscilla here to convince me to listen to you, see things your way, so that I’ll what? Let you go?” I started to cry. I felt like I was being ganged up on.
“Don’t think we don’t see your side of it too, Sarah. We know all about not wanting to let go. That’s why we’re still here, caught between life and death, not wanting to accept our eventual fate,” she said as she came to me, then gently rubbed her hand on my arm.
“What’s so wrong with the way things are now? Isn’t it better than being apart?” I asked.
“When we live, we have to really live, and when we die, we have to really die. You have to understand that, Sarah.”
I did understand. I just refused to accept it.
“But what’s wrong with waiting?” I asked, looking at Ethan again.
He wouldn’t answer me, as if he were holding something back.
Priscilla was more direct. “Because it’s not up to us.”
“What do you mean?” I looked to Ethan again.
He walked over to me. “Sarah, the light keeps coming for me…more and more often.”
Why didn’t he tell me this before? Why couldn’t I see it?
“But you don’t have to go into it,” I said. “I didn’t. It is up to you, Ethan.”
Priscilla took my hand in both of hers.
“Sarah, remember when you were a child, and your parents would tell you to do something you didn’t want to?”
I still felt that way most of the time.
She continued, “Remember how you would kick and scream, because all you could think about was what you wanted, not knowing or wanting to accept the fact that they only wanted what was best for you. You and Ethan are so lucky to have found each other, no matter what happens. Be grateful.”
There were tears rolling down my cheeks. Ethan put his arm around me.
“I am, but…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I was sobbing too much now as Ethan kissed my forehead.
Priscilla said softly, “I know how much you love him, but think about what’s best for the both of you.”
I knew what was best. I knew that the smart, mature decision would be to let Ethan move on to where he was supposed to be. I knew I should try to believe I would one day be happy again and live a normal life with another living person, maybe have children, be a family and grow old together. Only I didn’t believe it. I would rather die than be without him. The forbidden thought returned to me.
I stood up to look at them defiantly, no longer wanting to be consoled or talked into anything. “I don’t think we’ve looked at all the possible solutions here.”
Prisci
lla and Ethan looked at each other, frustrated, yet curious.
“What are you talking about, Sarah?” Ethan asked, as if afraid to hear my answer.
“I could join you.”
“Absolutely not!” he yelled loudly, with a fury I had never seen. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. “Don’t ever say or even think that again! Do you understand me?”
I couldn’t speak. I knew he wouldn’t like what I said, but I didn’t expect him to react so violently.
He forced himself to calm down before he spoke again. He tried a different approach to convince me. “You know how much I love you. You have to know that, but unless you die naturally, unintentionally…then don’t expect me to be waiting for you.”
I believed him. He was too good to accept a solution like I had proposed. He would be so disappointed in me. I believed his threat.
“OK,” I answered. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. But there has to be another option.” All of a sudden I remembered. I was afraid to mention it, but I was desperate. “What about what Sawyer did?”
Ethan and Priscilla both cringed at the mention of his name.
“Remember? When he called me? You said he used another body!” I said excitedly.
Priscilla looked at Ethan, surprised that he had divulged so much information.
“Sarah, I told you I’m not going to possess someone,” he told me. “Imagine a spirit possessing you, taking you over, how horrible that would be.”
“Yeah, but I’m not talking about like in ‘The Exorcist’!”
This made Priscilla laugh, which was needed to break the tension. Ethan smiled a bit too.
I further explained my revelation. “It could be the opposite of that. Find someone who is a horrible person and take over his body. You could be alive again, while ridding the world of another asshole.” I smiled. As serious as I was, it sounded funny when I said it.
“Make it a really good-looking asshole, though,” Priscilla laughed. “There are plenty of those around!”
“I wouldn’t care what he looked like,” I said.
He shook his head. “I can’t say that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, but I could never do that. It’s too creepy, too invasive. And how would it feel to be in someone else’s body? I wouldn’t be the same person. I feel sure of that.”
“Just consider it, Ethan!”
He looked to Priscilla. This bothered me a little, but I had to realize it was because she was his friend, and she could relate to his state of being.
“It’s not such a bad idea,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.
I smiled at her. She was on my side.
Ethan thought for a moment. “No,” he said, shaking his head again. “It’s not right. It doesn’t feel right. I couldn’t do that. The light has been calling me for a reason.”
I stared at him, not knowing what else I could say, angry at him for dismissing the idea so quickly.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. Please understand,” he told me with sadness.
I turned away from him and walked over to the fire, staring into the flames. He walked up behind me, put his arms around my waist and whispered into my hair, “I love you so much, but I can’t be someone else.”
“I know,” I admitted. “Can you at least promise me one thing?”
He only waited for me to continue.
I turned around to face him. “Stay with me longer,” I begged.
He cupped my face in his hands. “I will.”
“I mean, you’ll at least stay with me through Christmas, won’t you?” Another month and a half. If I could talk him into that, then maybe I could convince him to stay through Valentine’s Day, and then…
He smiled. “I will spend Christmas with you. I want Christmastime to always have happy memories for you, not the pain of us saying goodbye.”
I smiled and kissed him gently on the lips, causing my body to tingle again as he kissed me back slowly, pulling me closer to him.
Priscilla cleared her throat. I had forgotten she was watching us for a moment.
“Excuse me,” she said. “Shall I pick out some more music, or would you rather I leave you alone with your sexual frustration?”
I blushed and laughed. Ethan smiled and turned around to face her, still holding my hand. “Do they have any James Taylor?” he asked.
The rest of the night was one I knew I would remember always. It seemed magical in a way…because it was. The three of us just decided to have fun, no longer discussing or lingering on the subject of our demise. We simply enjoyed each other’s company. We talked, we laughed, even danced. Priscilla had lived a fascinating life. She had traveled, or partied rather, all over the world. Her stories were amazing. She lived life extravagantly and very much in the fast lane, but she loved every minute of it, and she very much still loved her husband.
Eventually, Ethan and I rested on the sofa. I was lying on my back with my head on Ethan’s lap, smiling at Priscilla as she rambled on.
“I wish I could have taken you to Studio 54, Sarah,” she said to me while sitting on the living room floor surrounded by my parents’ album collection. She chuckled. “On second thought, I got into too much trouble there.”
I sat up as the thought occurred to me. “I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Ethan.
When I returned, Priscilla was still sitting on the floor, looking elegant as always, with one arm leaning against the sofa and a drink still in her hand.
“That’s perfect,” I told her as I sat down with my large sketchpad. She smiled, but she wasn’t shy, she just acted naturally. I had wanted to draw her so many times. I wanted to capture her eternal beauty, just like I had done with Ethan.
She was a good model, but couldn’t wait to see my work. Once satisfied with my drawing, I timidly turned my pad around to show her.
“Oh, Sarah,” she said, tears forming in her eyes. “You made me look so…alive again.”
Now I was tearing up too. Why did she have to die so young? Why did Ethan? I didn’t care what the circumstances were. None of it was fair. I felt guilty that I got a second chance. Why didn’t they?
Priscilla sat down between Ethan and me. She held my drawing to take a better look. “May I?” she asked as she picked up my chalk.
I nodded and then she added something to my drawing. It was a small heart on her left arm. I didn’t ask what it meant, but it seemed to suit her.
“I love you both,” she said, teary eyed as she hugged me and Ethan.
None of us spoke for several minutes, until Priscilla broke the silence, suddenly remembering something. “Before I forget, I have something for you, Sarah.”
I looked at her curiously before she exited the room. She returned with a small bag and handed it to me. I opened it up to find a beautiful, peasant blouse with flowers. It was the blouse I had chosen from her closet when I was a spirit. I was awestruck.
“I couldn’t believe it when you picked this one out of my closet,” she said. “It was the same blouse I was wearing the day my husband proposed to me. We were having a picnic at the park. It was the happiest day of my life.”
I looked at her in disbelief. I didn’t feel right taking it, but I was honored at the same time.
“That’s unbelievable. Thank you so much, but why are you giving it to me?”
“It represents love and hope.” She gave me a very serious look. “Promise me you’ll stay away from your enemy.”
My enemy?
“Well, I must be going,” she said abruptly.
Ethan began to object, not wanting her to leave as he squeezed her hand. She smiled and winked at him, then slowly got up anyway. She then leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Take care of yourself, Sarah.”
I didn’t know what to say, but I noticed the sun was slowly beginning to rise. Our beautiful night had come to an end.
I finally found my voice. “Priscilla, wait! What enemy?”
She turned around and smiled at me. “Fear,” she said, as if it were o
bvious. “Don’t be afraid to live, Sarah, no matter what happens.”
Ethan followed her to the door to say goodbye. They hugged each other for a long time and said a few words that I couldn’t hear. Then she was gone.
The realization that had slowly been registering in my mind hit me completely when I saw Ethan’s face.
“We won’t see her again, will we?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
Ethan shook his head.
This was too painful. How was I going to handle it when…?
“She went to say goodbye to her husband now,” he told me. He put his arm around me as I buried my head in his chest. “It’s OK. She knows it’s time, it’s been time actually, but she’s finally ready, and she wants her husband to move on. He feels her presence too much.”
He was speaking to me too. I knew that. But at least we still had more time, as long as he kept his promise.
19. New Friends
The rest of the weekend was lazy, and I loved every moment of it. We didn’t leave the house, except for an occasional stroll to the park. We curled up on the sofa with Blondie and watched movies. I made popcorn, which made me remember our visit to Ethan’s ex-girlfriend. I hoped she was happy, but I envied her. Her boyfriend was alive.
We refrained from any further intimacy for the time being. It was just easier not to go there, unfortunately. However, I often would wonder how to make that work. There had to be a way.
I loved my parents, but I was disappointed when they came home Sunday evening. Their anniversary weekend was much needed and apparently very romantic by the way they were glowing. Again, I was envious, but grateful that I had the weekend alone with Ethan without having to hide him.
School in Monday was a different story. I wanted to hide him as soon as I saw Veronica walking down the hallway.
“Hi, Sarah. Hey, Ethan!” she said excitedly.
I hated that she could see him.
“Hey,” I answered, afraid that she would ‘out’ me to everyone. I didn’t trust her.
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