“Yeah, I think so. I’m so glad you’re here!” she cried, clinging to me tightly.
“Why did you do this to her?” I yelled. I wanted to attack Carlos, but I couldn’t let go of Sarah.
He didn’t answer me. He just stared at Penelope, awaiting her reaction now that she could see him. She was obviously pleased at what she saw.
“Never mind,” I said. “I see why. Only you didn’t have to use Sarah!”
“And you didn’t have to piss off Sawyer!” he replied with anger. “Now he’s gone thanks to you.”
“Maybe he finally went into the light,” I said.
“Sawyer would never do that. He knows what he wants, unlike you. The light follows you around like a halo, but you ignore it, even though you’ve preached to everyone else to enter,” said Carlos.
He was right, and he knew it. I couldn’t dispute what he was saying. The girls were also speechless. They had their run-ins with ghosts in the past, but this was unlike anything they had ever experienced.
“I think it’s time for you all to go,” I said, trying to stay calm. “Leave these girls in peace.”
“I don’t think she wants me to leave,” said Carlos, looking at Penelope.
“You can come see me again,” Penelope said to him.
He took her hand and kissed it, and then he got up to join his friends. “Let’s go, gentlemen. I’m done here.” He looked at Corey. “Nice job keeping Ethan away,” he said sarcastically. Then they were gone instantly.
I pulled Sarah up and held her close. I kissed her forehead tenderly. “Let’s go home now.”
I looked out the window and saw a car pulling up, the headlights beaming in through the window. Veronica jumped up to look out. “It’s my parents,” she informed us. “Hurry! We need to hide the board and the booze!”
“Be careful, Penelope,” I said before we left the room. “He may seem charming, because evil usually is, but don’t play with fire,” I warned her, only I wasn’t sure she would listen.
25. Limbo
I was exhausted, like the life had been drained out of me, because it had been. I didn’t feel at all like driving home and really wished that Ethan was able to. Actually he could, but that obviously wasn’t a good idea.
“Are you sure you’re OK?” asked Ethan.
I laughed sarcastically. “No, Ethan. Not really. But physically, yes, I’m OK.”
I could see the hurt on his face. “I should have been there,” he admitted.
“You’re not going to be able to protect me forever. That’s been determined.”
He didn’t answer, seemingly unsure what to say next considering my fragile state.
“What did it feel like?” he asked.
I was already trying to forget, but I knew I never would. “At first it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, just like when we were on the bridge and the biker went through me…but then I just felt numb. I was aware of everything that was happening, but I had no control over my body.”
“It’s difficult to exist but not really exist.”
I nodded in agreement. I was only a spirit for a few days and only possessed for a few minutes, but Ethan had been in limbo for so long. I didn’t know how he was still able to hold on, and I was the one enforcing it.
“What about him?” Ethan asked.
“Him?”
“Carlos. Could you feel him or hear his thoughts?”
“It felt like I could somewhat. I probably could have more if he had been in me longer, but thank God he wasn’t. It seemed like I could feel his emotion, though, like…deep sorrow and longing, especially for Penelope at that moment.”
“Yeah. I could see that.”
I had to smile. “You probably would have enjoyed that under different circumstances.”
He tried to hide his smile as well. “No comment,” he said.
In the days that followed, Ethan seemed more distant. It was driving me crazy. He finally told me everything that happened at his parents’ house before he caught up with me at Veronica’s that night. He was really happy that his parents had reconciled, but his mood changed when I asked him more questions about that day.
He wouldn’t go to school with me anymore. He was unenthusiastic about going anywhere that involved other people. Neither of us was in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that made us at all content was our time together, alone and just talking.
“You know you told your parents you were going to look for a job,” he said, playing with my hand as I gently leaned my head on his shoulder.
We were sitting on the bed watching old reruns on TV, laughing occasionally. We had the same taste when it came to most of the shows.
“I know,” I finally answered.
“To pay for your car you were so grateful for,” he reminded.
“I know. I will.”
“When?”
“Why are you bugging me?”
“Because you’re stalling, putting your life on hold so you can spend time with me.”
So he was exactly right. So what?
“I’ll have the rest of my life to work.” I immediately wished I had phrased that differently.
“Fair enough.”
At least the subject was dropped.
“What else are you going to do?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…if you could travel to anyplace in the world, where would it be?”
I knew what he was doing. I wasn’t stupid. But I would indulge him.
“Paris, of course,” I answered.
“Ah, yes. You’re an artist.” He smiled and gave me a hug. “And where do you want to go to college?”
“San Francisco.” I smiled at the memories of us there.
“Good choice. Now, what about something crazy and adventurous? I think I gave you a good taste of that with the hot air balloon ride.”
“That was awesome! I don’t think I could top that.”
“Just name something. I’m sure something has crossed your mind before.”
I thought for a moment. “Well…I always thought it would be really cool to just backpack around Europe once and just draw,” I laughed.
He smiled widely at this. “Draw what?”
“Everything,” I said, excited at the thought. “The buildings, the landscape, the people. I would never get tired of it.”
“That’s really cool. I can see you doing that.”
He paused for a moment and then asked, “What about marriage?”
My smile faded. “Marriage?”
“Surely you want to get married and have children?”
“Ethan. Don’t go there,” I warned him.
He sat up straight in front of me. He took my hands in his and looked deep into my eyes.
“Now you listen to me, Sarah,” he said sternly. “Listen to me without rolling your eyes or objecting. I don’t want you to ever forget what I’m about to tell you.”
“OK. I’m listening.”
“Life is precious, and it is short. You know that as well as I do. You make damn sure that you do everything you’ve ever dreamed of. You have the power to make yourself happy, no matter what life throws at you. Don’t ever forget that.”
I felt the tears burning my eyes. “OK.”
“Promise me, Sarah.”
“Don’t talk like you’re leaving already!”
“Sarah, promise me.”
“OK! I promise.”
“I’m going to hold you to that,” he said.
“Sarah!” said my mom, jolting me to attention as she knocked for a second then barged in my room.
I sat up and tried to pull myself together, as if I had to keep her from seeing Ethan. I curled up on my bed, forgetting for a moment that she couldn’t see him anyway.
“Sarah, there’s someone here to see you,” she said. Obviously it was someone she didn’t know, and I gathered from her expression and her tone that she was uneasy about whoever it was.
It was rath
er late for someone to normally come by to see me on a school night. “Who?” I asked.
“Said her name is Penelope?”
Great. What was she doing here? I looked at Ethan, who was as curious as I was. I motioned for Ethan to follow me as I followed my mom out of the room.
He shook his head. “I don’t want to eavesdrop. I do that enough. I’ll be right here if you need me.”
Penelope was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. She definitely didn’t dress like my usual friends, causing my mother to eye us a bit suspiciously. She was dressed in a black mini skirt, lace stockings and boots, and a black leather jacket. Her hair now had some streaks of dark blue and was teased up high. Her eye make-up was heavy as usual. She smelled like she had been smoking.
“Hey,” she said, looking a bit nervous. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” I noticed we were still in my parents’ view. “Let’s go outside.”
We stopped on the front porch. I took a seat on the porch swing while Penelope leaned up against the railing and lit up a cigarette. She offered me one, but I declined.
She looked away and scratched her head with her thumb before she spoke. “You doing alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine.”
“That had to be pretty freaky for you the other night. It was for me,” she chuckled.
I hoped she didn’t just want to reminisce.
“Anyway, I just wanted to apologize.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
She continued before I could respond. “I know I can take things too far occasionally. I just wanna have some control sometimes, you know? They always have the upper hand. They appear and disappear when they want to. Some want to haunt me and some want to use me. I’m always trying to figure them out.”
I stayed silent. I wanted to hear it all before I spoke.
She took another puff from her cigarette and sighed, looking off to the side and then back at me. “I didn’t mean to scare you. When I first heard about your relationship with Ethan, I was really jealous I’ll admit. Only I didn’t think it all through. How complex it all is…tragic actually.”
She sure knew how to make a girl feel better.
“Sorry. I’m just trying to say that I feel for you. I hope things work out for you both…somehow.”
“Thanks. Me too.”
“Well, I better get home. It’s getting late.”
I walked with her to her car.
“Tell Ethan I’m sorry too,” she told me.
“I will. Thanks.” I remembered Ethan’s warning to her. “Be careful around those bogeymen,” I told her.
She chuckled. “Carlos was pretty cute. But if they mess with you again, I’ll kick their asses.”
I laughed a little, but I was worried for her.
“See ya later, girl,” she said as she climbed into her black Datsun.
“Hey, Penelope, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“What was in the bag from Zelda?”
She gave me a strange look.
“She gave you something in a bag before we left Veronica’s that day,” I explained.
She laughed and started the engine. “Ancient voodoo secret,” she said as she pulled away.
The next morning began the same as the day before. I woke up with Ethan by my side, his arms and body right up against me. I never wanted to get up, but my alarm clock shrilled in protest.
He still wouldn’t accompany me to school, so I reluctantly kissed him goodbye, already anxious for the day to end. My drive to school was lonely, and my classes were long and tedious. My semester finals were approaching, so I knew I had to concentrate, but I found it nearly impossible.
I noticed that Johnny wasn’t in class again. He had been gone for a few days, and I wondered what was wrong with him. Maybe he was sick.
I continued to eat lunch with Monica and Veronica every day. I was still surprised that we were becoming a ‘threesome’, only I was still anti-social when it came to after-school activities. It was too important to me to spend all my time with Ethan while I could.
Veronica understood. She defended me when Monica pouted. As a result, I was a teeny bit jealous that they were becoming closer without me, but it still didn’t matter to me as much as being with Ethan. Nothing mattered as much as that.
As I would drive home, I would scowl at all the Christmas decorations. Christmas became a time bomb to me. Ethan’s promise to stay with me until then was all I had to hold onto. But what would I do after that? I still couldn’t stand to think about it. That was the only time I did concentrate in class, when I was desperately trying not to think about Ethan’s departure.
I realized, however, that I would not be able to avoid doing at least some Christmas shopping. The thought of going to the mall was very unappealing, though. I chose to go downtown and walk around the shops. I had some money left from Ethan’s stash, plus my allowance money I had saved, so hopefully I could find a few gifts.
I wandered around with no idea what I was looking for, until I came across a vintage shop that carried a variety of things. I seemed to be more attracted to the older, used or antique items, the result of spending so much time with the deceased.
As my eyes gazed across the household items, I wondered how old they were and what type of homes they used to be in. As my fingers felt the fabric on the pieces of clothing, I wondered what the person looked like who used to wear them. Were they alive or dead? What did they experience when they were in these outfits?
I eventually found a beautiful pair of earrings that I knew my mother would like. They looked expensive, even though they weren’t, and they were just her style, simple yet elegant. I also was able to find a tie and a pair of cufflinks for my dad.
I still had no idea what to get Ethan. It felt silly to get him anything materialistic, but I wanted to do something for him, and I wanted him to experience another Christmas. It would have to be something really special that would make his face light up when he opened it.
I continued to walk around, trying to think of something. I was about to give up and just pay for the items I had, hoping to find something for him elsewhere…then I saw it. It was in the corner, shiny and beautiful, and it was perfect. I decided I had to buy it no matter what the cost. It was absolutely meant to be.
“How much is this?” I asked the middle-aged man behind the counter.
“Well, we were asking $150,” he said.
Too much. “Oh, OK.”
“How much would you be able to pay? It’s been here for a while, and since it’s getting close to Christmas…”
I looked in my purse and added up the items already in my hands. “Can I give you $100 for it?” I asked as sweetly as I could.
He thought it over for a moment and then answered, “Sure. I’ll take that.”
My smile, I’m sure, was the biggest it had been in a while.
I fell asleep kissing Ethan. There was no urgency when we kissed now. Not when you knew you couldn’t take it any further, and not when you knew they would soon be your last. In that case, I wanted those kisses to last forever, so I took my time.
I could still feel his body next to mine as I slept. I always longed to be closer, but settled for contentment. It was far better than not having him with me at all. Only as I slept, my fears would still surface. I couldn’t constantly suppress them in the back of my mind.
The dream, nightmare rather, was always the same. I was holding his hand tightly, smiling at him as we walked through the park. It was always dusk, but I never felt the slight uneasiness I usually felt walking around in the dark, not when I was with him. I would put my head on his shoulder, and he would smile back at me, but we would be quickly interrupted.
It would come out of nowhere, like a lightning bolt, then grow bigger and brighter until it stung my eyes. I knew what it was immediately. I wanted to yell and scream and curse at it. Why wouldn’t it leave us alone? It was the light that was always trying
to draw Ethan in and take him away from me.
If the light was God, like I had always been taught that it was, then why did I hate it so much? It was wrong to feel that way. If I continued to think like that, then surely it would never invite me in when it was time, and then I would never get to be with Ethan again for all of eternity. Therefore, I had no choice but to accept it and respect the wishes of the unrelenting brightness that called for him.
In my nightmare, he would look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me before kissing me one last time, a slow and gentle kiss that would have to last me a lifetime. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, he would begin to walk toward his destiny, not saying another word, but smiling with peace. We knew we would see each other again, but I had to accept the fact that I was expected to enjoy life without him first, something I knew deep down that I could never do, not the way I was supposed to. I let him believe that I would, though, for his sake. I forced a smile back at him and told him it would be OK, because I knew he was scared too.
His hand would begin to slip from mine as he continued to walk forward. I would hold on until the last possible second, wanting to walk with him, but my feet stayed firmly planted, like they were cemented to the ground. I would begin to sob loudly as only our fingertips still touched and then slowly were pulled apart, like a magnet that finally loses its attraction. He would then be ripped away from me, disappearing into the light while I stood there trying and trying to scream, but no sound would come out.
“Sarah!” I heard him say back to me urgently.
Ethan? I couldn’t see him, and his voice sounded distant.
“Sarah! Sarah, wake up!”
I felt him shaking me gently. I gasped and then opened my eyes.
“Ethan! Ethan, you’re here!”
“Of course I’m here. You were having a bad dream again.”
He looked at me with worry as he pushed my hair out of my eyes and then kissed my forehead. I put my arms around him and held him as tightly as I could, but I could never go back to sleep.
There were only a few days left before Christmas break, and I struggled to stay awake during my finals. The pressure was taking its toll on me. I knew I had to do well in school, but it meant nothing to me compared to Ethan. I just wanted to get through it and get back home again where he would be waiting for me. It felt like such as waste of our precious time, sitting in class and taking tests.
Sarah's Solace Page 21
