by Gina Azzi
I panic. I blank out. I lose focus. And then, who knows what the hell will come out of my mouth? Who knows what I would say in a moment of desperation that would alert everyone to my shame? The stain would seep over my family, embroiling Graham and Mom in a scandal too large to be contained. It would destroy our family name. And even though I know Mom and Graham could care less about that, it would be one more thing that I ruined.
The part that cuts me to the core is that Gary and Paul are Army.
Something I want to be.
Desperately.
Dropping my head back against the cushions, I count to ten slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale.
When I open my eyes, I review my application for Baylor one more time and then I press submit.
My heart lodges itself in my throat as my stomach churns uneasily.
The page refreshes as I receive confirmation that my application has been successfully submitted.
Oh my God.
I place my laptop on the coffee table and pick up my glass of wine.
Taking a small sip, I smile.
I did it.
I took the first step in a series of steps to redefine myself.
I took the first step.
25
Jax
Cinnamon and sugar invade my car as I drive over to Evie's place, a large, brown paper bag with Maddie's logo on the front sitting on my passenger seat. It was my second run to Maddie's this morning. My first one happened hours earlier when I was on my way to see another woman I adore. Gladys. And man, if visiting with her wasn't a trip down memory lane, a heartwarming experience, and a harsh scolding all rolled into one. Remembering what she gave me earlier, which I stuffed in a drawer in my kitchen when I stopped home to change, makes me smile to myself and turn up the song on the radio.
Gripping the coffee I ordered, I take a sip, wincing as the hot beverage burns my tongue. Dropping the coffee in the cup holder, I curse and turn into Evie's parking lot. I'm nervous. And out of my league on this one.
Parking the SUV I sit for a few minutes, closing my eyes as I try and think through what I want to say. I wish I could call Ethan. A fire that's part pain and part anger ignites in my chest, and I swallow to push it away.
Focus on Evie. Make things right with her.
But how?
Her telling me she couldn't explore a relationship because she needs to focus on her future isn’t what bothers me. That’s all fine. I will support her in whatever she wants to do. It’s that I know Gary and Hawkins scared her. And she reacted by pushing me away again.
I knew something wasn’t right with Evie the first night I saw her at Raf's. Even her appearance – her thin shoulders, the sharpness of the bones in her wrists, the dark smudges under her eyes – speaks to an exhaustion that extends beyond a bad night’s sleep. But over the past few weeks, she’s been filling out, her vitality and vibrancy returning.
Yesterday, she straight up shut down. I know whatever it is has her spooked and anxious around men. I know it's something big and when my mind starts down possible paths, I'm horrified, sickened, and disgusted that someone would hurt her like that. I shove it away and search for signs in Evie that things are getting better. That she's becoming more open, less jumpy, sassier.
That my Maywood is coming back to me.
And she was; she really was.
Sighing, I climb out of the SUV, reaching over the center console to grab the bag of baked goods. Walking over to Evie's townhouse, I climb the steps to her front door and ring the bell.
The door opens a moment later, and Graham stands on the other side. "Hey, Jax."
"What's up, Graham?"
"Come on in, man." He holds the door open wider. "You brought Maddie's?"
I hold the bag up higher, shaking it at him, as I step inside Evie's townhouse and Graham closes the door behind me.
"Thanks." He takes the bag from me and reaches in to grab a cinnamon roll. Biting into the pastry, bits of glazed sugar and cinnamon sprinkle the floor as he walks toward what I assume is the kitchen. "Want a coffee?"
I open my mouth to tell him I have one before I realize I left it in the car. Besides, getting a few pointers from Graham can't be a bad idea. At least I can feel out Evie's mood in advance. "Sure, coffee'd be great." I follow him into Evie's kitchen.
"Take a seat," he throws out, his back to me as he pours two mugs of coffee. "Cream and sugar?"
"Black's fine."
Graham turns toward me, carrying two steaming mugs of coffee to the table. He places one in front of me before taking a seat. The bag from Maddie's sits off to the side between us, next to a stack of napkins and a few plates.
Reaching into the bag, Graham pulls out the cinnamon roll he's already tucked into and plops it on a plate. "These are my favorite."
"Evie's too."
“A family trait,” he chuckles. "She's still sleeping."
"Still hating on that sunshine?"
Graham wipes his mouth with a napkin and picks up his coffee mug. "Yep. She's the worst morning person ever. I always wonder what would have happened if she went the Army route. Would she have adapted to the early roll calls and embraced it, or viewed it as the worst part of the day?"
I shrug, taking a gulp of my coffee to avoid saying anything. To avoid asking the question that burns on the tip of my tongue. Why didn't she go the Army route?
"How long do you have left?" I ask instead.
"My orders got delayed. Got a few weeks left here before I ship out to Stuttgart."
I let out a low whistle. "Fancy much? Don't come back with a Porsche or anything wild," I joke, referencing the Porsche factory that exists there.
"Imagine? I wish, man.“
I take another sip of coffee.
"So, how've you been?" Graham bites into the cinnamon roll, more sugar flakes falling onto his plate. "Heard you wrapped up a third tour?"
"Yeah, two weeks early." I point to my shoulder. "But almost done with my contract."
"You re-upping?"
Damn. This is not the conversation I wanted to have with Graham. I wanted to learn more about how to broach things with Evie, not rehash the shit that's going wrong between us.
"Don't think so." I tug the back of my neck, waiting for Graham to lay into me the same way Evie did.
"Career track's not for everyone. You should be proud of your service," he says instead, no judgment in his eyes or tone.
I take another gulp of coffee, growing antsier by the minute.
"You plan to stick around here then?"
"Yeah, thinking about starting an autobody repair with Den."
Graham pops the last bite of cinnamon roll into his mouth and eyes the Maddie's bag, as if debating whether or not to go for a second one. "That's cool. Y'all would do real well with that."
"That's the plan."
Graham reaches into the bag and pulls out another pastry, gesturing between me and the bag, but I shake my head, drinking my coffee instead.
"Does part of that plan include winning back my sister?" he asks so casually I almost choke on the coffee.
Graham chuckles.
I narrow my eyes at him, trying to figure out his line of questioning, but he just stares back at me, open and unaffected.
I sigh. "She's pissed at me."
Graham snorts, taking a huge bite out of the second cinnamon roll. "What else is new? She always gave you shit, remember?"
“I remember.” Better than most, I remember feisty, sassy, ballsy Evie.
"She seems better since you've been back," Graham admits, lowering his voice. "More like herself."
I cut him a look, observing the concern mixed with relief that shadows his face.
"Graham, what the hell happened?"
Graham tosses the cinnamon roll on his plate and leans back in his chair. He sighs, a large whoosh of frustration, concern, and uncertainty. "I don't know, man. I really don't. If I did, trust me, I'd tell you just to help you get her back. She was good with y
ou, Jax, real good. When you cut out of here, I could have killed you for breaking her heart. Nights of crying into her pillow, days of skipping meals. I was back for the first week and after I left, Mom said it was more of the same."
I look away, not wanting to hear how much I played a role in Evie's current situation, in making her unsure of herself. Of her place in the world. Did my leaving spur her down a path that led to her current pain? Did I play a role in causing the hurt my girl now struggles to overcome?
"But it was the usual shit of a first heartbreak, you know? I came home more that summer than I had planned, just to keep an eye on her and things seemed to be getting better. She was still intent on West Point, still sticking to her workouts. Sure, she wasn't as bright-eyed as before, but she was still focused."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. Mom told me she woke up one morning, walked into the kitchen, and announced that she wasn't going to West Point anymore. Mom thought she was just nervous and tried to speak with her. Told her to forget West Point and think about one of the other colleges she was accepted to. Evie wouldn’t hear it. She just shut everyone out and receded more and more into herself. After a couple months, Mom was out of her mind with worry. She wanted to take Evie to see a therapist and Evie refused. Mom kept trying and finally, Evie just moved out. I came home several times, tried to talk to Evie, tried to understand what happened but,” he shakes his head at me, confusion stark against his features, "she didn't even respond. She nodded at everything I said and then thanked me for my concern. She was so polite. Detached. Nothing like herself. I pleaded with her to tell me what was wrong, to forget about West Point if she wanted, but to tell me what made her change her mind. Was she nervous? Getting cold feet about moving to New York? About the military commitment? But she didn't give me anything to work with."
I don't say anything. What is there to say?
"She started taking classes at the community college, then transferred to Savannah State University. She tried full-time, then part-time. Then switched to online classes which is what she’s doing now to wrap up a degree in Psychology. She worked odd jobs, babysitting and shit. Finally, Mom convinced her to think about something more stable and reliable. That's when she started at Morris. She seemed a bit better after that; I guess it was having some consistent human interaction." He snorts, the sarcasm heavy. "The first real spark I've seen since that summer is when you came back. And for that," he says, raising his mug in my direction, "I'm grateful to you, Jax. So forget the bullshit of before, of whatever happened between y'all. If you're planning to stick around and you still love my sister, then help bring her back. And I'll do whatever I can to help you."
I watch him for a few moments, noting how worried he is, how much he cares about Evie, and how much he lost when she pulled away from him. I think about Daisy and how I would feel the same way if she drastically changed overnight. It must be infuriating for him, the same way it is for me.
"Thank you, Graham," I tell him. "I want her back. I never wanted to let her go in the first place. I just thought, fuck, I don’t know, I was stupid back then, a kid. I thought I'd hold her back."
"I know."
"You do?"
Graham nods. "And if things didn't play out the way they did, you probably would have," he says, grinning at me to take the bite out of his words. "You and Evie were young, real young. And she was full of dreams and plans and goals."
"Exactly."
"But things are different now, Jax. She's not the same girl she was in high school; you need to go slow with her, move cautiously. She's all kinds of hurt now, and it extends way past having her high school boyfriend enlist."
I place my coffee mug on the table with resolve that I'm in this for the long game. "Can I see her?"
He gestures toward her bedroom, "Wake her up nicely, or she'll be a pain in my ass for the rest of the day."
"Yeah, okay. And thanks."
"Anytime." He waves me out of the kitchen, and I walk toward Evie's room, intent on not letting her push me away any further, intent on winning her back.
26
Evie
A knock on the door wakes me.
I squint at the sunlight filtering through the blinds in my room and pull my pillow on top of my face to block out the rays.
"Evie?" Jax taps his knuckle against the door, a quick one-two followed by a third tap.
Ugh.
"It's me."
Of course, it is.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight and wonder if I just feign sleep, maybe it will claim me once more, and I won't have to do this.
Another rap against the door.
Still, I don't move.
Lowered voices converse outside my bedroom and then the distinct sound of the door swinging wide open has me sitting straight up in bed, my pillow falling to the floor.
"Morning, sunshine." Jax walks into my room like it’s an everyday occurrence. Bending to retrieve my pillow, he tosses it at me, collapsing in a flop at the foot of my bed. "How'd you sleep?"
I throw myself back, my head hitting the mattress as I think about how incredibly unattractive I must look: hair like a bird's nest, leftover makeup still smudged under my eyes, teeth that haven't been brushed.
Why is this my life?
"I brought you Maddie's."
Hmm. Perking up some, I manage to pull myself up once more and face Jax.
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted us to talk."
"At the crack of dawn?"
"It's eleven."
"It's my day off."
A grin glances off the corners of Jax's mouth as he watches me with amusement. "Still hating on the sunshine?"
"Obviously."
"Would a cinnamon roll and coffee make it any easier?"
I look at him, trying not to soften so soon, and nod.
"Come on." He holds a hand out to me and pulls me closer to the edge of my bed. "You better hurry before your brother eats them all."
That gets my attention and has me throwing off the covers and springing into action. "Graham Robert Maywood! You better not be eating all my cinnamon rolls."
"Your cinnamon rolls?" my brother returns, his voice filled with laughter. "Jax is my friend too!"
I storm into the kitchen, Jax on my heels, and I am relieved when I see a full mug of coffee and a warm cinnamon roll on a plate set by my place at the table. "Thank you," I manage to say to my brother.
He presses a quick kiss to my cheek. "Anything for you, Noodle. I gotta head out. I'm meeting up with Hunter. See you later?"
“Okay,” I say, dropping into my chair.
"Good seeing you, man." Graham shakes Jax's hand, clasping him on the shoulder. A silent look of understanding passes between them but I can't discern the look.
"Take it easy, Graham." Jax sits down at the table, picking up a half-filled mug of coffee and taking a gulp.
Graham gives us one last wave without turning around before loping to the front door and leaving, the door closing behind him.
"Thanks for bringing Maddie's."
"You’re welcome."
I take a massive bite, stuffing my face to buy me a few moments without having to say anything. Embarrassment for yesterday and for what Jax witnessed weighs heavily in my chest. Do I confront it or just pretend it never happened? Does he think less of me now for freaking out the way I did?
"Evie," Jax says, filling the silence, "I'm sorry about yesterday. About the way things went down. All of it. But I meant what I said; I'm not giving up on us. So you can try and push me away, you can try and walk right past me, but until you look me straight in the eyes and tell me to fall back, I'm not going anywhere.”
Some of the uneasiness bouncing around my stomach settles, and I realize I’m relieved that he's here. That he cares enough to seek me out, to keep fighting for a relationship that sometimes seems completely hopeless to me.
"Jax," I sigh, "there are things that I'm not ready to tell you. Things that I'm no
t sure I'll ever be ready to tell you."
He watches me closely, his green eyes full of compassion.
"I can't… I can't give you what you need."
"What do I need?" he asks almost playfully, a small smile flickering across his full lips.
"Someone who is whole."
"Nah. I just need my Maywood." He reaches out gently, his thumb stroking my cheekbone. "I'll take you even with all your holes."
I snort at his lame attempt at a joke. "About yesterday, I—"
"I want to show you something. Will you come to my house for a few?" He cuts me off, a seriousness filling his face.
I look down at my pajamas and back up at him. "Can I have a few minutes?"
"Take all the time you need, love. I'm not going anywhere."
I bite my lower lip, knowing deep down that his words are two-fold. Now that he's back, he's not going to give up on me. Or on us.
Hope flickers lightly in my chest but I’m scared to grasp at it, scared if I try too hard it will flicker out before it has a chance to really shine. I know Jax is telling me the truth; I know he won’t let me slip away. Thinking of all the progress I’ve made since he’s come home, it’s obvious that my healing is related to him too. He was the one who got me questioning things in my life, thinking about options, wanting more for myself.
And deep down, in my heart of hearts, I know that I want him for myself too. I’m just scared of him not wanting me back once he knows everything.
I insist on driving myself to Jax's house, partly because it doesn't make sense for him to shuttle me back and forth, and partly because I need some space from him to make sure I keep my head clear. Jaxon Kane has the unique ability to reduce me to a pile of mush with just one look. And even though I'm relieved and giddy he's not going to let me go, I also know that I can't dive into this with him. I'm not capable of exhibiting the feelings and emotions that I want to. I can't even bear the thought of having to be intimate with him, of his hands touching me, sliding over my skin, underneath my clothes. I just... can't. Kissing is one thing, but the thought of all the things that come after kissing shadow my thoughts and make my heart race.
