by Michael Kun
AGEE’S MEN’S CLOTHING
Where Men and Boys Shop
EAST BLOOMFIELD, MARYLAND
* * *
April 12, 1983
Cath,
I have no idea who “Chris Caldwell” is. Or at least I didn’t until I got your letter. Now I’m figuring it must be that guy who comes in here who the Moms are always giggling about. Seems like a nice enough guy, but your mom literally has not said a word to me about him. She may have said something to Todd about him, since he’s practically an honorary Mom at this point. In fact, if your mom ends up marrying the guy, I’d suspect that Todd would be one of the bridesmaids. Anyway, if I hear anything about it, I’ll let you know.
I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say you only know a few of our songs. We have eight original songs right now, and I think you’ve heard all of them, although you might not have realized they were songs we’d written ourselves. I admit one of them sounds a lot like a Talking Heads song, and another sounds a lot like Squeeze, so maybe you didn’t realize we’d stolen them—oops, I mean written them ourselves.
I did end up rewriting the lyrics to “Um.” I liked the original version, but after we played it at a gig a week or so ago, a girl came up and told me she thought it was a great idea for a song, but that the lyrics sounded too “facile.” I looked it up, and it means “simple.” I have to admit she was right. Anyway, I’ve been reworking the lyrics in my head during downtime at the store to avoid listening to the Moms. Here are the current lyrics, although they may change again:
I’ve been wasting my time for too many years,
Watched too much TV, drank an ocean of beer,
Woke up early and stayed up late,
Though how early I got up is up for debate.
I tell you I was lost, but now I’m found.
’Cause I bought this guitar and I like how it sounds.
I graduated high school, if you can believe.
My favorite class? How to underachieve.
It might take me a second to recall who shot Lincoln.
If I don’t answer right away, it’s not ’cause I’m not thinkin’.
Because I’m not stupid, I’m not dumb.
When I don’t know what to say, I just say, “Um.”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
I’ve heard it ever since I was a kid.
How my brain didn’t work like the other kids’ did.
“Maybe another school would be better instead.”
“Maybe his mother dropped him right on his head.”
But being different don’t mean that I’m dumb.
When I don’t know what to say, I just say, “Um.”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
Now singing these songs don’t pay my bills,
And if we don’t cut a hit record, it never will.
So during the day I sell men’s clothes. (Band: It’s true!)
Ten hours a day, that totally blows.
Guy says his waist’s 30 inches, give or take some.
Instead of saying, “Man, it’s 36,” I just say, “Um.”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
Now I’m not crazy about songs that turn into confessions,
I want three power chords, not Sunday school lessons.
But having said that, let me confess,
I almost dropped dead when you wore that red dress.
My other thoughts that night, well, I’d rather keep mum.
What did I say to you? I just said, “Um.”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
Yes, I had to go to school in the summers,
Think my grades were bad, you should’ve seen our drummer’s.
Call us stupid? Here’s my ass, you can kiss it.
But this song’s not really about me, now, is it?
This song’s about you, so just let me strum.
When I can’t say I love you, I just say, “Um.”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
Remember the time you wore that bikini?
I’d give you a 10, that’s more than Fellini. (Band: Who?)
That time we held hands when you were crying?
If I should have kissed you, it’s my fault for not trying.
Add this all up and what is the sum?
All I have to say to you is, “Um.”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
Now everyone listening as I sing this song,
This is the part where you all sing along.
Sing so loud that the roof crumbles to powder,
Those in the back will just have to sing louder.
Clap your hands until they’re numb.
If you want the boy to get the girl, just sing, “Um!”
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
If you want the boy to kiss the girl, just sing, “Um!”
If you think that maybe, just maybe, she might love him, $$too, sing, “Um!”
If you believe in the life-saving force of a love that is pure, $$just sing, “Um!”
If there’s someone you love but you’ve never said it, just sing, $$“Um!”
If you’re going to tell them today or tomorrow or next week, $$just sing, “Um!”
If you want the world to know how you feel, sing, “Um!”
Sing with me!
Um, um, um.
Um, um, um.
Let me know what you think of the new lyrics. I think it’s a much better song now. Not as facile. We played it at a show the other night, and the crowd seemed to like it. Not as many people joined in at the sing-along part at the end as I would have liked, but that’s okay. You can only expect so much from a crowd of drunks.
Scott
P.S. What’s the deal with your family and ridiculous middle names? First, they give you the middle name “Fucking.” Now your sister gets stuck with “Crystalle.” It’s definitely the name she should use if she ends up dancing at a club by the airport.
P.P.S. We’ll hang out this summer. I promise. I’ve been thinking about some things lately that I want to talk with you about, but they can wait until you get home. Or at least I think they can.
WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY
April 15, 1983
Dear Scott:
The lyrics to “Um” are great. Despite what you may think, you’ve never played that song for me, so I have to imagine what it sounds like, and it sounds great in my head. And I hope Samantha likes it, too, and appreciates having a boyfriend who writes a song about her like that. Although, if you don’t mind, can I offer a little friendly advice? If you’re talking about the dress Samantha wore to the senior prom, it was a pink dress, not a red one. You might want to change that lyric fast. We hate it when our boyfriends don’t pay enough attention to our hair or clothes.
Anyway, I’d really love to hear you sing the song, and I know your ever-expanding fan base here at Wake would love to hear it, too. Since your St. Patty’s Day gig, I’ve had a lot of people comment on the Crush sticker on my backpack. I wish that you could come back to Wake and play one more time before exam reading period, particularly since you’ll be off in college next year, but since you didn’t mention it in your last letter, I’m guessing it’s too much to ask, given the Samantha Factor and all.
Well, even if you and Crush refuse to serenade me, I will be having fun on my birthday! Jane, Steve (her boyfriend), some of my running friends (complete and utter lightweights), and my remaining Pizza Pan coworkers (heavyweight champions) are going out for drinks and dinner at the Carolina Ale House in Winston-Salem tomorrow night. I will let you know how it goes. You will note that Andrew is not invited. That date ended up being a waste of a nice new dress, to put it mildly. Maybe I should have guessed that the conversation with an aerospace engineering major would have been a struggle, even if he does look like Rob Lowe.
I’m really glad to hear that you’re going to be up for hanging out some this summer. I’m
going to need at least one constant in my life. I mean, my dad lives with his secretary in another town, I have a baby sister, and my mom is running on about some dude she knew in high school a hundred years ago when she’s not gabbing with your mom and my old boyfriend at your store. It’s going to take some getting used to.
Please tell Todd and the Moms that they should drink a lot of milk during menopause, to prevent brittle bones.
Much love,
Cath
P.S. We got our housing assignments for next year, and Jane and I got a double in our first-choice dorm! Dorothy got a single, so she and James can go on basically living together. I’m happy for them.
P.P.S. Curious to know what you have to wait until the summer to talk to me about. How embarrassing could it be? A bad case of acne? Whatever it is, come on, tell me!
* * *
AGEE’S MEN’S CLOTHING
Where Men and Boys Shop
EAST BLOOMFIELD, MARYLAND
* * *
April 20, 1983
Cath,
As much as I’d like to come down to Wake to play another gig during reading period, I can’t. Putting Samantha aside, things are so busy here at work, particularly since I have to train the Moms and Todd on how to run the store once I go off to college, and we’ve got gigs lined up every weekend for the next couple months.
Also, I know Samantha wore a pink dress to our prom. I mean, I was there. But “red dress” sounds better.
My mom has been acting very strange ever since I got accepted to college. Keep in mind that it was her idea to call all those colleges to see if they’d let me apply late. Now that I actually got into one, she’s been very sad. You don’t need to be a genius to figure it out. A few months ago, she had her husband and her son living with her. In a couple months, she’ll be living by herself. I’ve already told her that I’m going to try to come back as many weekends as I can—which also will allow me to keep playing with Crush—but I don’t know if that will be enough. I’m thinking I should get her a dog before I leave. And I’m really glad that she and your mom have become such good friends.
Good luck with your exams!
Scott
WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY
April 24, 1983
Dear Scott,
I’m sorry you won’t be able to get down here to play a gig. I guess I’ll just have to focus on exams and look forward to seeing you when I get home when you can tell me whatever you can’t tell me now. Can’t you at least tell me what it rhymes with?
I’m glad our moms have become good friends, too. The thought of the two of them co-managing Agee’s Men’s Clothing without you makes me smile. That place could look considerably different by the time you get home for Thanksgiving break. I’m imagining a lot of cat posters on the wall and doilies on the countertops! Seriously, though, they’ll do a great job. I mean, look at the job they did with us. Or, at least, one of us.
By the way, I’ve been swapping letters with Todd since the incident at Christmas. They’re a lot different from your letters and, believe it or not, contain even more spelling errors. (Sorry, but I had to say that. Todd couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the A.) Without telling you everything he has to say, please know that he is very grateful to you and your family. He loves working at the store and being in the band with you, and he’s going to miss you when you go off to college. I mention that to you only because I want you to be gentle with him if he acts strange in the weeks before you leave for college. Acting strange before someone you care about goes off to college … Seems unimaginable, doesn’t it?
I feel like I’m going to be completely prepared for my finals this semester. I’m not saying I’m going to ace them all, but I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping up with my work throughout the semester, and I should feel prepared and comfortable after the reading period. And if I do get straight A’s, you’re going to have to buy me a cake that says “Congratulations, Straight-A Girl!” or whatever it said on that cake Dorothy’s parents got her.
Amanda keeps sending new pictures of Jennifer. She’s absolutely, completely adorable. (Jennifer, not Amanda.) Of course, that shouldn’t be a surprise. My family churns out adorable girls, in case you haven’t noticed.
Okay, I’m going off for a long run with Donna-with-the-Headbands before moving into my library cubicle for the next few weeks.
Love,
Cath
* * *
AGEE’S MEN’S CLOTHING
Where Men and Boys Shop
EAST BLOOMFIELD, MARYLAND
* * *
April 27, 1983
Dear Cath,
I have some news, and I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about it. I probably should wait until after you’re done with your finals, but if I don’t tell you now, your mom will. And although I made your mom swear she wouldn’t say anything, I’m not sure how long I should trust that. So my news is that I got a letter in the mail from a college I’d been wait-listed for. They let me know that they now have a slot for me and they hope I’ll start school there in the fall. I have to tell you that it really surprised me. It’s a much, much better school than Samantha’s, and I didn’t think there was any way they would ever let me in. They have a great English department and a pretty good music department, too, and their reputation should help me get a good job almost anywhere in the country. But, of course, Samantha isn’t there.
I almost wish I hadn’t gotten in off the wait list, because my decision was so easy before. Not that there really was a decision before. If you get into only one college, that’s the college you go to. So I talked about it with my mom. My mom likes Samantha, but her point was that this is my only chance to go to college, and shouldn’t I go to the best one instead of making a decision based on who I’m dating? What if I go to school with Samantha, and we break up again? What if she does something to hurt me again, like she did at Thanksgiving (which my mom apparently knows all about, and so did my dad)? Wouldn’t I regret not going to the other school, the better one? And if I did go to the other school, couldn’t I still date Samantha long-distance?
I tried to tell her how I felt about Samantha, and how my dad always liked her and thought we would get married someday. And she said my dad would’ve liked anyone I liked, and that he said the same thing about me getting married to every girl I’ve ever dated. And I thought about that, and it was true. Every girl I’ve ever dated since I was in third grade, he made the exact same comment: “Look, it’s Mr. and Mrs. Scott Agee.” He just said it more about Samantha than the others because I dated her longer.
She said the only girl he never made that joke about was you. When I said that it was because you and I never dated, she said that it was because my dad knew better than to make a joke about me and you.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about everything my mom said, and she’s 100% right. I should go to the best college I get into.
So, I’m not going to college with Samantha this fall. Instead, I’m going to college with … you.
Yes, I got into Wake Forest. Which I believe is located in North Dakota.
Cath, I know I should have told you before that I’d applied there, but I didn’t want you to feel bad if I didn’t get in. And I really didn’t think I would get in. But I did. And I have a letter to prove it on official Wake Forest stationery with a seal and everything. Unlike the fake Wake Forest stationery you got in the school bookstore.
So, unless I get something in the mail telling me it was a mistake, I’ll be seeing you a lot the next few years.
I hope you’re okay with that.
Scott
WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY
April 30, 1983
Dear Scott,
Okay with it?
Okay with it?
Okay with going to college with you?
Okay with hanging out with you in person and talking like we did when we were Tornadoes instead of writing a letter and having to wait DAYS for a response?
O
kay with it?
I wish I could write more, but I have an Abnormal Psych review session in 5 minutes, so let me just say this—
Am I okay with it? Hell yeah! I’ll be the happiest girl in the world!
Love,
Cath
MAY
* * *
AGEE’S MEN’S CLOTHING
Where Men and Boys Shop
EAST BLOOMFIELD, MARYLAND
* * *
May 4, 1983
Cath—
Me, too!
Scott
* * *
AGEE’S MEN’S CLOTHING
Where Men and Boys Shop
EAST BLOOMFIELD, MARYLAND
* * *
May 4, 1983
Cath—
I mean, the happiest guy. Not the happiest girl.
Scott
P.S. I hope you didn’t throw away any of your Biology notes from first semester. I may need them next year. Actually, don’t throw out any of your notes from any of your classes, okay?
WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY
May 7, 1983
Scott—
I knew what you meant. I always know what you mean.
And I wasn’t going to throw out any of my notes, so they’re all yours. Although there are a few months in there where my notetaking wasn’t particularly focused, for reasons you are well aware of, so you are relying upon them at your own risk.
I shouldn’t even ask, but have you told Samantha yet that you’re going to Wake next year? I can’t imagine she’s going to be too happy. I mean, first you write a song about how you have trouble telling her you love her, then you have to tell her you’re not going to go to college with her? Good luck with that. I can hear the cursing from here.
By the way, you know that sophomore girls don’t hang out with freshman boys at Wake, right? It would be a social faux pas of biblical proportions. So I’ll be ignoring you when anyone else is around!
