While Elise settled herself and opened her notebook to a fresh page Solomon took a quick look around. The office looked like Mathieu’s living room except with black, leather furniture. Two club chairs faced each other on opposite sides of the sofa. There were small end tables next to the chairs and on either end of the sofa but no coffee table. Where Mathieu had his TV Elise had an electric fireplace. There was no desk or bookshelves cluttered with professional texts and research books. The carpeting was plush and looked new. Two doors on the far wall, Solomon guessed, lead to a powder room and Elise’s real work area where the desk and bookshelves probably were. The walls were painted a light brown that reminded Solomon of milky, hot chocolate. Solomon turned his attention to the doctor when he heard her asking Mathieu questions.
She planned on getting them to talk about the night Mathieu wound up in hospital but clearly there was a bigger issue but she still began with the basics as she put pen to paper, "Mathieu, how are you feeling since our last meeting?”
Mathieu didn’t look up at her, “Fine.”
“Okay. Have you been outside much?”
“No.”
Solomon huffed, “We were out to dinner last night.”
“Oh,” Elise made a note, “that’s nice. Mathieu, did you have a good time?”
“Yes.”
Solomon sighed and rolled his eyes, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” Mathieu replied weakly.
Elise didn’t like where things appeared to be heading, “Solomon, what do you want from Mathieu?”
“I want him to stop with the one word answers.”
“Okay. Mathieu, tell us what’s wrong.”
“Solomon will get mad.”
“Why would Solomon get mad?” Elise held up a hand to Solomon before he could protest, “Did Solomon do something wrong?”
“He didn’t….he didn’t kiss me hello. He didn’t even acknowledge me when I got in the taxi.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Solomon got up and started pacing back and forth behind the chair he had sat in.
“Solomon, why didn’t you acknowledge Mathieu?”
“I don’t know.”
“Were you upset with him?”
“Not at the time,” Solomon didn’t look at his partner but out of the corner of his eye he could see Mathieu wince.
“But you’re upset with him now?”
“Yes….no….I don’t know,” Solomon sat back down in the chair.
“You seem frustrated.”
Mathieu piped up, “He sounds like that all the time now.”
Solomon snapped, “No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. You snapped at Anders at brunch on Sunday. You snapped at me when we went for ice-cream. You said yourself that you get upset over everything lately and you don’t know why.”
Elise tried to calm Solomon down, “Solomon, please take some deep breaths, in through your nose, out through your mouth.” He closed his eyes and did as requested, “That’s right.”
Mathieu turned to Elise, “That’s what he was doing when I got in the taxi.” Mathieu turned to Solomon, “I knew you were upset.”
Elise refocused on Mathieu, “But you didn’t ask him why he was upset?”
“No, I didn’t want him to get mad at me.”
“Why do you think he would get mad at you?”
“It was just something I felt. I felt like if I said something or even touched him it wouldn’t be welcome because of the way he was breathing and he was all tense.”
Solomon had calmed down, “It was the traffic. I didn’t want to be late.”
“What would’ve happened if you were late?”
“It would look bad for us to be late for our first appointment as a couple.”
“But you had to wait in the reception area for a few minutes for me. Do you think that that makes me look bad?”
Solomon thought, “No, doctors are always late.”
“And I know that it may have been difficult for Mathieu to get here and maybe he couldn’t have made it at all and I may have had to come to you making the appointment start even later. How would that look?”
“That couldn’t have been helped.”
“And you would’ve called if you were going to be too late or if Mathieu couldn’t make it at all?”
“Of course.”
“How do you feel now?”
“Stupid. But I hate being late for appointments. I always have.”
“Then we’ll give you the latest appointment I have available on the night you need to come so you won’t feel rushed. How’s that sound to you?”
“That would be better. Thank you.”
Elise reviewed her notes, “Now, Mathieu, you said that Solomon snapped at Anders at brunch on Sunday. Tell me about that.”
Before Mathieu could begin, Solomon interjected, “Wait. I thought we were here to talk about Mathieu and his disorder.”
Elise explained, “Everything that happens around Mathieu can affect his disorder. You’ve seen firsthand his ups and downs so we talk about everything. Even your attitudes towards each other can affect him.”
“Our attitudes?” Solomon asked.
“Yes, for instance, look at the way you’re both sitting right now.” Solomon looked to his partner curled up on the sofa; Mathieu smiled weakly back at him. Elise continued, “The two of you, when I’ve seen you together, are always touching somehow. You’re holding hands or you’re legs are touching as you sit next to each other. Even at the hospital when you came into the room, Solomon, you sat on the bed almost on top of him.”
Solomon looked from the doctor back to his boyfriend, moved over to the sofa and took the man into his arms, “I’m sorry, Baby.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Elise explained, “I’m not saying you have to be touching twenty-four seven but for both of you I think the physical closeness is a very important part of your relationship. Would you both agree with that?”
“Yes,” came the simultaneous reply.
“Mathieu, why is that important to you?”
“Because I like how his touch makes me feel.”
“And how is that?”
Mathieu snuggled closer into the blonde, “Safe and loved.”
“And Solomon, why is physical closeness important to you?”
“I want him to feel safe, like I can protect him.”
“But how do you feel?”
Solomon looked into Mathieu’s wide, golden-brown eyes, “Loved, needed, wanted.”
“Does his touch calm you?”
“I don’t know. He hasn’t made any attempts to touch me when I’ve been upset.”
“That’s because you’re scary when you’re yelling and I don’t want to be yelled at because I’ve done the wrong thing.”
“You think touching Solomon when he’s upset is the wrong thing?”
“Yes, because I’m frightened and all I want to do is hide so I don’t get yelled at too.”
“Have you been yelled at a lot?”
“My parents used to yell at me all the time when I was little. They didn’t like it if I was out of their sight for a long time. I think that’s why they used to keep me in the kitchen with them when they cooked. And, of course, my dad yelled when I came out to him.”
“Why do you think they wouldn’t let you out of their sight?” This was new to Elise. The Irishman hadn’t brought this up in any of the stories from his childhood that Mathieu was requested to tell at their weekly meetings at the flat.
“I don’t know. There were a lot of kids in my neighborhood but I wasn’t allowed to play with them after school or during the summer holiday. I had to stay in the house.”
“But you still got yelled at?”
“Well, I didn’t always want to be watched, did I? I would go outside or hide in my room until one of them came to find me. Then I’d get yelled at for disappearing or not answering when they called.”
Elise was furiously making notes in her notebook, “
And you have no idea why they were so protective?”
“I’d say over-protective and no, I have no idea why. At least I learned about cooking but I didn’t really appreciate that part until I was on my own.”
“Okay, and Solomon? What about you?”
“My parents didn’t yell. They would tell me to get out of the house, as long as my school work was done, and come back as it got dark. I was always outside. That’s how I acquired my love for photography.”
Elise nodded her understanding, “Let’s get back to brunch on Sunday. Tell me what happened.”
“We were having brunch, me, Solomon and Anders, at my flat and Anders brought up Adrian.”
Solomon added, “Anders said that Adrian was in the restaurant drinking and said that he missed ‘us’,” Solomon quoted with his fingers. “I asked Anders if Adrian was sorry and he said ‘not exactly’,” again Solomon made finger quotes. “I asked Anders what that meant and he told me to calm down.”
“Why were you upset?”
“I was upset because I hate having to keep asking questions to get a story out of someone. I was upset because Adrian misses us and he’s crazy if he thinks everything can go back to normal by talking to Anders about what happened. I am upset because he’s my oldest friend and he never apologized.”
“Do you want an apology for yourself or for Mathieu?”
“For both of us.”
“Mathieu how do you feel now about what Adrian did?”
“I feel mostly sad because Solomon lost a good friend because of me and sometimes when I’m outside I feel afraid because I think he will be there and do something bad again.”
“Would you accept his apology?”
Mathieu appeared to give the question some serious thought before replying, “I don’t know.”
Solomon interjected, “I wouldn’t.”
“Solomon, what did Adrian do to you?”
“He put his hands on my boyfriend and pushed him. Mathieu could’ve had an attack.”
“But he didn’t have an attack.”
“No, only because Anders was there.”
“You can’t know that. And that’s what he did to Mathieu. What did he do to you?”
“I love Mathieu. Hurting Mathieu is hurting me.”
“What happened after Anders told you to calm down.”
“I got more upset until Anders called my attention to Mathieu.”
“What was Mathieu doing?”
“He was hiding his head under his arms like this.” Solomon took his arm from around his partner to mimic the way Mathieu was sitting with his arms over his face and head.
“Why was Mathieu sitting like that?”
“Because I was scared because I had been cuddling with Solomon on the sofa and he pushed me off and started yelling at Anders. I don’t like yelling.”
“What happened next?”
“Solomon calmed down and apologized. Then he asked me to go to dinner at the restaurant and when I said ‘yes’ he asked Anders to make a reservation for us. Do you know what I just realized, Solomon? We forgot to look at the photo collages.”
“Oh, crap, that’s right. We got distracted when Anders told us about the party coming in, then again when they came in and you were misbehaving, then he sat with us when we ate dinner, then we had that amazing soufflé.”
“And we were in a hurry to leave.”
Even though Elise knew there was a lot more to discuss regarding Solomon’s mood swings she had to end their session. She told Mathieu to remain on the same dose of medication, to keep writing in his journal and to at least try to step outside a little way on his own. She asked Solomon to come back with Mathieu the following Wednesday and he agreed but he refused to come on his own though she really thought he needed too. And he did……
CHAPTER 20
After their session the couple stopped at a local sushi restaurant when Mathieu said he’d treat Solomon to dinner. The men settled in at the counter and ordered. Solomon requests a bowl of seafood miso soup, causing Mathieu to make his “accounting face”, salmon and avocado roll, spicy tuna roll and prawn tempura roll. Mathieu asked for avocado roll, California roll and crab roll. As they watched the chef prepare their rolls Mathieu let Solomon start conversations and he made sure to answer any questions or comments with more than one word. As he became more comfortable Mathieu explained to Solomon about his new research project and he wondered aloud if Anders had asked out Evelyn or Elise yet. Solomon laughed (Mathieu loved the sound he rarely heard from Solomon the last few days). Both men called their second ‘official’ date a success.
The rest of the week Solomon was still on edge and it made Mathieu very nervous. He never knew what little thing would set Solomon off. Thursday it was some spilled coffee in the morning and burned garlic (again) in the evening. Friday it was a tie he couldn’t find in the morning and rain during his evening walk home from the station (even though he had an umbrella). Saturday morning, it was Mathieu’s jeans on the floor instead of the hamper. As Solomon ranted about the ‘huge mess’ Mathieu covered his ears and hid under the blankets until he heard Solomon close the bathroom door and start the shower. The Irishman threw the covers off, jumped out of the bed, grabbed his jeans (not stopping to put them on), ran to his flat, kicked the book that held the door open away and let the door slam shut.
Solomon emerged from the bathroom and entered the bedroom to find Mathieu gone. The blonde dressed quickly, grabbed his keys and let himself into Mathieu’s, “Baby?” He fixed the book so it was once again propping open the door as he heard a mumbled ‘go away’ but continued into the flat anyway. He found that Mathieu had locked himself in his bathroom, “Baby, I’m sorry.”
“Go away.” Mathieu’s voice was strained as if he’d been crying.
Solomon inhaled deeply and exhaled as he ran his hands through his hair, “I’m sorry. Baby, please open the door.” He had been in this position before, Mathieu on the other side of a locked door telling him to go away and he didn’t like it.
“I don’t like it when you yell at me and you yell at me all the time lately.”
“I don’t mean to yell at you. All I can say right now is I’m sorry. Please open the door.”
“I love you Solomon but I can’t deal with this. I know you’ve put up with a lot with me and my disorder but I really can’t take you yelling at me. I’m afraid to say anything to you and I’m so tense all the time I feel like I’m going to shatter.”
Solomon rested his head against the bathroom door and his hand on the door knob, “Please.”
“Is it work you’re having trouble with? Is it the thing with Adrian? I’ll call him and forgive him if you want. I don’t care. Is it the cooking? I’ll do it all if you want. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I thought I was better now. Do you want me to come off the medication altogether? I’ll go back to the way I was if it will make you happy. I don’t need to go out,” Mathieu slumped down to the bathroom floor against the door, “I’d do anything for you.” The artist let the tears fall from his eyes; he just wanted them to be happy again.
Solomon slid down the door to sit on his side, “Mathieu, I don’t want you to come off the meds and go back to the way you were. You’ve come so far and I’m so proud of you. I wish I could tell you what’s wrong with me.”
“Will you go to Elise?”
“Mathieu. I don’t think….”
“Please, Solomon. She can help you.”
“Mathieu, I’ll go with you on Wednesday and that’s all I can promise right now. Okay?”
Begrudgingly Mathieu agreed and whispered, “Okay.” At least it was something.
“Will you open the door now?”
The Irishman reached up, turned the lock and, still sitting on the tile floor, pushed himself away from the opening door. Solomon, who himself hadn’t risen from the floor, held out his arms to his teary-eyed partner and Mathieu scooted forward into his arms.
***
“One hundred sit-u
ps? Come on, seriously?” Solomon was already sweating from the twenty-five push-ups Mathieu had him do a few minutes ago.
Mathieu, who was barely glistening from his fifty push-ups, sighed, “Just do as many as you can then or you can do crunches.” The Irishman started his sit-ups while Solomon watched. He did ten straight up followed by ten with his left elbow going to his right knee followed by ten with his right elbow going to his left knee. He repeated the sequence three times and ended with a last ten straight up for his one hundred. Meanwhile, Solomon had only managed to do one set being too busy watching Mathieu’s shirtless ab muscles contract and relax.
Mathieu got up from his work-out mat and went into the closet to take out a set of 15kg dumbbells for himself and a 10kg set for Solomon. He also took out a collapsible weight bench and set it up in the middle of the room. Mathieu did a set of bench presses, wiped down the bench with a towel, had Solomon take his place on the bench and showed him how to do the move correctly. They ran through several types of upper body exercises, military presses for shoulders, pullovers for back and chest, bicep curls, tricep extensions and wrist curls for forearms. They finished off the workout with lunges and squats.
Solomon collapsed on the floor, “I can’t move. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move again.”
Mathieu flopped to the floor on top of his partner, “You did great…um…. Hey, Solomon?”
“Yes, love.”
“You call me ‘love’ and ‘baby’ but I don’t have a nickname for you. I don’t think ‘honey’ would do or ‘sweetie’. What do you think?”
“I think we should think about it in the shower,” Solomon gave his partner a playful slap on the rear before they helped each other up from the floor and headed for the bathroom. Not much talking was done regarding nicknames.
***
Anders had never known Solomon to get so angry and he had to find out if there was anything he could do to help. After all, that’s what friends did. During one of his daily phone calls to Mathieu, Anders asked if it was okay he take Solomon to brunch alone that week. So, there they sat, together, in one of Anders’ favorite eateries (aside from his own restaurant), Montparnasse Café on Thackery Street.
The Sweet Tooth Page 17
