by Sherri Hayes
Closing my eyes, I let the pain creep in. “I don’t know if he’s lying. I don’t know.”
The feeble dam that had been holding my emotions at bay broke wide open. My entire body shook violently with my sobs as I let the pain flow freely through me for the first time since I’d seen the pictures of Stephan and Sarah on television. The will to keep myself upright disappeared eventually, and I fell onto my side into a fetal position. It hurt so much, and this time no one could take it away.
For the next two weeks, the pattern continued to repeat itself off and on. Anytime someone would say something about Stephan, or anything that would remind me of him, I’d end up curled in a ball crying for what felt like hours until I no longer had the energy to cry anymore.
After that first Tuesday, Stephan didn’t attempt to stop by Cal’s house, but that didn’t stop him from contacting me. He sent flowers every day after that first week, and when I logged on to my computer every day there was always an e-mail from him. I didn’t read them, but knowing they were there was both a blessing and a curse. It didn’t help me know what to do.
On Friday night, after yet another session with Dr. Perkins that was mostly made up of me breaking down in uncontrollable tears, I lay in my room staring at the ceiling. I needed someone to tell me what I should do.
Rolling over, my gaze fell on my laptop. I hadn’t logged on to my e-mail today, but I knew that if I did, there would be another e-mail from Stephan. The pull to read them had become even stronger as the days passed. It was becoming difficult to resist.
Jade kept saying that eventually I’d figure it out . . . that I’d know what to do . . . what to believe. I wasn’t sure she was right.
Reaching out, I ran my index finger over the edge of the computer as if it held the answer to my conundrum.
Before I could stop myself, I flipped open the screen and set the computer on my lap. As soon as it was booted up, it beeped, notifying me that I had new mail. Hesitating for only a fraction of a second, I clicked on the icon that would bring up my e-mail. There, staring back at me, were at least twenty messages from Stephan—at least one every day for over two weeks, and on some days there’d been two or three.
Pressing my lips together, I argued with myself. Should I read them or go on ignoring his attempts at communication?
As soon as the word communication popped into my head, I recalled how many times he’d gone on and on about how important communicating with him was. But he’d broken that rule, hadn’t he?
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Before I opened them, my right index finger pressed down on the keyboard almost as if it were following its own command. When I looked at the screen again, there, in black and white, was Stephan’s e-mail.
Brianna,
I have no idea if you’re reading these e-mails I’m sending you or not, but I hope that you are.
There is nothing that I can say or do to express to you how very sorry I am for not telling you about what was going on sooner. I wanted to explain the situation to you in person, not over some lifeless computer. I wanted to hold you so you’d have no doubt that what I was telling you was true.
You must have questions, and I want to answer them for you. Please give me the chance. I love you, sweetheart, and I always will. Please, talk to me.
Love,
Stephan
I brushed the tears from my cheeks as I read his words. There was anguish in what he’d written, just as there’d been in his eyes the last time I saw him.
One by one, I read through the e-mails. Most of them were similar to the first one I’d read, only varying slightly and with increasing desperation. He was hurting, and no matter how confused I was or how much pain I was in, I couldn’t deny his one request. Stephan saved me. Even if he had lied to me about Sarah and the baby, he’d still given me back my life when I’d thought all hope of anything past surviving had been taken from me. At the very least, I owed him this.
Setting my laptop to the side, I slipped out of bed and tiptoed out of my bedroom. The house was dark, and for the first time, I realized how late it was. I debated whether or not I should go back to my room or not, but tomorrow was Saturday, and Jade and Cal would most likely not have work or school. They’d been watching me like hawks lately.
As quietly as I could, I walked to the other side of the house where Cal and Jade’s bedroom was located. Not giving myself the time to second-guess my decision, I knocked on the door.
Less than a minute later, Cal opened the door. His hair was standing on end, and he looked as if he’d just been woken from a bad dream. “Anna? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
I shook my head.
He frowned. “What is it?”
Meeting his gaze, I took a deep breath to gather the courage I would need to make this request of him. “I need to talk to Stephan. Will you drive me?”
Chapter 26
Stephan
The sound of buzzing caused me to sit up in bed. Glancing over at the clock, I noted that it was three o’clock in the morning. Who in the world was ringing my doorbell at this hour?
Getting out of bed, I threw on a pair of jeans and headed for the door. Whoever it was, it had to be someone I knew or they would never have gotten past the front desk. At least, I hoped we never had another incident like what had happened with Brianna’s father. Considering he was behind bars for the foreseeable future, I highly doubted it to be a likely scenario.
As I drew closer to the entrance, the security panel came into view. I almost tripped over my own feet when I saw Brianna standing there. Ross was beside her, but all I could focus on was her. I rushed the rest of the way to the door and flung it open. “Brianna?”
Ross scowled but said nothing.
Brianna looked nervous but determined. I had no idea what was going through her head. We hadn’t spoken since I’d shown up at Ross’s house almost three weeks ago.
“I read your e-mails.”
At her confession, I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d not been sure that she would read them, but I’d hoped . . . prayed she would. “Would you like to come in?”
She nodded and stepped inside. Ross shadowed her.
I wasn’t thrilled with his presence. The man had bloodied my lip the last time I saw him. I’d spent the rest of the evening icing the thing, and even then, it had been noticeable the next day. The newspaper had speculated it was a present from Sarah’s father after the news had leaked that I’d knocked her up.
Leading them to the living room, I motioned for Brianna to sit down. Unfortunately, Ross sat down beside her. Sitting in my chair, I waited to see what she had to say.
Instead of addressing me, however, she turned to Ross. “Could you give us a minute?”
He looked at her as if she’d just asked him to jump off a cliff without a harness. “I’m not leaving you alone with him, Anna. No way.”
“Please?”
Ross hesitated, and for a moment, I didn’t think he was going to comply with her wishes. “Fine, but if he does anything, I’m going to rearrange his face again.”
After giving me a hard stare—a warning—Ross stood and walked back out the front door. It didn’t escape my attention that he’d made sure it remained unlocked when he stepped out into the hall. I could see him pacing on the security monitor.
I turned my attention away from Ross and back to Brianna. She looked too thin again, and I knew she’d not been eating properly. It hurt to know that this time I was the cause of her pain. “You said you read my e-mails?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And I need you to explain it to me.”
I took a deep breath. Okay. I could do that. “Let me start from the beginning, all right?”
She nodded and looked down.
“I need you to do something for me first, though?”
Brianna glanced back up to meet my gaze. “What?”
“I want you to promise that you’ll look at me while I’m tal
king to you. I want you to be able to see that what I’m telling you is the truth. Will you do that?”
“Yes.”
I smiled. It was weak, but I wanted her to know how happy I was that she was giving me this chance to explain.
“About two months after you left, Sarah contacted me. She’d heard about what was going on with Ian and your father and said she was coming to town.” I leaned forward, desperate to touch Brianna but not sure if I should. “She arrived two days later, showing up at my office out of the blue.”
No longer able to stand the distance between us, I stood and walked over to sit beside her on the couch. I kept my distance, not touching her, although it had to be among the toughest things I’d ever had to do in my life . . . right up there with letting her leave me in the first place.
Brianna held herself rigid, clenching her hands together. I didn’t know if that was because she was afraid I’d touch her or to keep herself from reaching out to me. Maybe a little of both.
“That night she invited herself over for dinner. I know that might sound strange, but that’s Sarah. She can be incredibly pushy at times.” I paused. “She reminds me of Lily in that way. You never want to get in Lily’s way when she’s going after something she wants. She’ll steamroll right over you.”
“And Sarah wanted you.” Brianna sounded resigned.
“No! Not at all.” I reached out into the space between us. Reaching but not touching. “She wanted to know about you.”
Brianna looked shocked. “Why?”
Again, I smiled. “Because she realized how important you are to me. I received a phone call from Oscar while she was in my office, and she could tell from my reaction how much I care about you. I’ve never loved anyone before you, Brianna. Sarah wanted to know everything she could about the woman who’d stolen my heart.”
We both sat quietly for several minutes. I wanted to go slow this time. Before, I’d blurted out the vital information as swiftly as possible, not knowing at what point Ross would try and throw me out. This time it was different, and I was going to make sure Brianna knew everything.
“After dinner that night, Sarah told me she was pregnant. It’s one of the reasons she came to visit me. Some things happened with her boyfriend, and she needed time to think. It was then I offered her a place to stay.”
“Did you have sex with her?”
I couldn’t believe she was asking me that, but I answered her anyway. “No. Sarah and I haven’t been together in that way for years.” I paused. “And just to be clear, I’ve not had sex with anyone but you since I met you, Brianna. No one but you.”
“Really?”
I cocked my head to the side. “Yes. Why is that so unbelievable?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just thought that when I left . . .”
“No, Brianna. No.”
Again, silence filled the room. I wished I could make her understand how ridiculous the notion was that I’d want to be with anyone but her, but I knew right now wasn’t the time to try to convince her of that. This was my opportunity to set the record straight—maybe my only opportunity—and I had to clear the air once and for all.
“You know the locked room upstairs?”
“Yes.”
“She stayed there while she was here.”
“Not in my room?”
Again I resisted the urge to reach out to her. “No. That’s your room, Brianna. Yours.”
Brianna’s gaze left mine and drifted over to the door that led to her room.
“Do you want to see it? It hasn’t changed since you left.”
She looked at me once more. I could see the conflict in her eyes, so I made the decision for her. Standing, I motioned toward her room and waited for her to rise.
It took her several moments before she got up from the couch and followed me into the room. I hadn’t been in there myself for more than a week. Since she’d been gone, I’d rehired a maid to come in once a week and clean. This room had been off-limits to her. I hadn’t wanted anyone to touch Brianna’s things but me, so I cleaned the rooms myself when needed.
“It’s the same,” she whispered, her fingers grazing the edge of the bed.
I stood back and let her walk around the room. Every once in a while, she’d pick up something and then put it down before moving on to the next thing. She seemed to be in awe that everything was exactly as she’d left it, with the exception of the items I’d sent to her.
Once she’d made a complete pass around the room, she returned to stand several feet in front of me. I took a step forward, and when she didn’t retreat, I took another one. “We weren’t communicating when Sarah moved in, and when I saw you at the gala, all I could think about was how good it felt being with you again. If not for Lily, I wouldn’t have even remembered that Sarah was my date, and that I’d left her downstairs. At the time, all I could think about was you.”
Taking a chance, I tentatively extended my hand, hoping she’d take it.
She glanced down at my offering, and after a moment’s hesitation, she linked her fingers with mine. Being able to touch her again was like a breath of fresh air.
We stood there holding hands for what felt like forever. I didn’t want to break the connection, but eventually I knew I had to. There was more I had to say. “I want to be honest with you, Brianna. Telling you about Sarah’s baby hadn’t really crossed my mind until my uncle brought it up to me after the gala. It’s Sarah’s baby, not mine, so I didn’t see the relevance. I realize now that was naïve of me, and I should have told you right away.”
Pulling her a little closer, I waited until she looked up at me. “I meant what I told you at Ross’s. I was planning to tell you when we met for our date at the planetarium. I was afraid if I told you over Skype, you would only hear that Sarah was living with me and expecting a baby . . . that you would panic and think I didn’t want you anymore.”
Reaching up with my other hand, I cupped her cheek. “I realize now that by not telling you right away, I ended up with exactly what I’d feared.”
Brianna
I was trying very hard to stay focused, but it was difficult with Stephan’s hand on my cheek. The only thing I wanted to do was close my eyes and melt into his embrace. It would be so easy to forget everything else and lose myself in him.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Brianna.”
The heat of his hand was doing funny things—very pleasant funny things—to my insides. “I want to believe you.”
He frowned. “You don’t believe me?”
“I want to.”
Stephan sighed and stepped away from me, leaving me cold and alone once again. I wrapped my arms around my waist in an attempt to warm myself.
The distance only increased, physically and emotionally, as he collapsed into the chair in the corner. I wanted to go to him, but I didn’t know if I should. If anything, I was more confused than I’d been before. Everything in me wanted to believe him, but there was a little voice inside my head that sounded a lot like Cal telling me I shouldn’t.
“Would you like to see the room Sarah stayed in? I haven’t felt like doing much with it since she left.”
Since I had no better suggestion, I nodded.
He got up, and I followed him out of the room. We passed through the living room, and I could see Cal on the screen Stephan had installed after I’d opened the door to John. He was sitting along the wall, tapping his fingers against his legs. He hadn’t wanted to bring me tonight. If it were up to him, I would forget about Stephan and move on with my life. I wasn’t sure I could do that, however. Stephan was too important.
We walked up the stairs and passed through Stephan’s library before arriving at the room that before had always been locked. He opened the door and motioned for me to go inside.
The first thing I noticed was that the walls were a dark blue—darker than you’d normally find in a bedroom. There was also very little furniture in the room other than a bed, a single nightstand, and a dr
esser. Also, unlike the bedrooms downstairs, there was no carpet in this room. The floor was some sort of rubber, but a throw rug had been placed over a section of it to soften it. “This was her room?”
“Yes.”
I stepped farther inside, not understanding. This didn’t feel like a bedroom.
“You’re probably wondering why I had the room locked before.”
Glancing over my shoulder, I waited for him to go on.
“This used to be my playroom.”
I sucked in a lungful of air.
“When you left, I didn’t know if the police would want to search my condo or not, so I thought it best to remove anything that would make me look less than normal.”
Although I’d suspected for a long time that was what had been in this room, hearing him confirm it sent my head spiraling. “Your playroom?”
He stepped closer to me, not stopping until he was standing only inches away. “I’ve never made it a secret what I am, Brianna. Nothing I can say will express to you how sorry I am for breaking my own rule and not telling you right away what was going on with Sarah. You should never have had to hear something like that on the news. It was my responsibility to tell you, and I failed. I can only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
I looked into his eyes. The pain was still there. Keeping my distance was hurting him. It was hurting me, too. I realized then it was fear that was holding me back. Fear that Cal might be right, that I might have been wrong in giving myself completely to Stephan. I didn’t think I had been, though. He’d made a mistake, and now he was doing everything he could to make up for it.
Before I could rethink my actions, I launched myself into his arms. Stephan didn’t hesitate. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair.
“Oh, sweetheart, I’ve missed you. I was so scared you were never going to talk to me again.”
With my head resting on his chest, I could hear his heart pounding against my ear. This, being in his arms, felt right. I didn’t ever want to feel separated like that from him again. It was worse than when I’d left. Then, I’d known that there was a possibility for us even if it was in the future. This rift had been different. It was as if all the possibilities, all the future hopes and dreams I’d fantasized about, had disappeared and been replaced with utter desolation. I didn’t like that abyss of nothingness. I wanted Stephan, and I’d take him even if he wasn’t perfect.
