by Marie Force
As he listened to the class president talk about each of his fallen friends, he felt all eyes on him as he struggled to maintain his composure. He managed to hold it together until they mentioned Sam. Tina West, a talented soprano in their class, concluded the tribute by singing “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” Brian quit trying to control his tears when he realized there wasn’t a dry eye in the big tent on the high school lawn.
After commencement, his parents invited his extended family back to the house for cake, and everyone made a tremendous effort to keep the mood celebratory. Brian opened gifts and ate the chocolate cake his mother had baked for him, but the forced sense of merriment was stifling. He kept waiting for Sam to appear, making wisecracks that Granville High would give a diploma to anyone. As soon as Brian could escape, he picked up Carly’s diploma and walked over to her house.
She was sitting on the front porch, almost as if she had been waiting for him.
With a kiss to her cheek, he handed her the leather-bound piece of paper that declared her a high school graduate. “Congratulations.”
She brushed a hand over the black leather.
“They did a nice tribute to the gang, and they included Sam, too, which was cool. Tina sang that song from Beaches. I bawled my head off, but everyone did.”
Reaching for his hand, she brought him down next to her on the porch swing.
After swinging in silence for several minutes, Brian said, “I can’t believe we’re high school graduates.”
She replied with a small, sad smile.
Unable to resist the urge, he leaned in and kissed her. When she didn’t pull back like he expected her to, he wrapped a hand around her neck and nudged at her lips with his tongue.
She turned her face away.
“Carly, honey, please. I miss you. I miss us. I miss making love with you. If you love me the way you always said you did, you’ll talk to me. I need you.”
Clutching his hand, she wept quietly as if even making the noise it took to cry was too much for her.
He pulled his hand free and stood up. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to help you, and you won’t tell me. I’m not coming back again. When you’re ready to talk to me, you know where to find me.”
Her eyes beseeched him to stay, but he forced himself to turn away from her. He went down the stairs and out through gate, letting it slam closed behind him.
The week after Brian left her was the worst of Carly’s life, even worse than the week that followed the accident. Without his visits to look forward to, there was nothing left to live for. Except for occasional trips to the bathroom, she never got out of bed and refused to eat or shower.
“This is bullshit!” Her father’s voice broke the silence one morning.
“Be quiet, Steve,” her mother said. “She’ll hear you.”
“I don’t care if she hears me! I’ve had enough of this! Apparently so has Brian.”
“She’s traumatized. She just needs some time to get over it.”
“It’s been five weeks, Carol! Brian saw the same things she did, but he’s not refusing to talk or eat or get out of bed.”
As Carly heard her mother speaking quietly in an attempt to pacify her father, she rolled her face into her pillow to keep from hearing any more. Does he really think I want to live like this? What she wanted was to be going to work at the coffee shop like she had every summer for years. She wanted to be meeting Brian after work to swim in the lake and make love under the willow. She wanted everything to be the way it used to be.
Carly heard her sisters talking as they got ready for work.
“She’s doing it for attention,” Caren said. She had recently finished her freshman year at the University of Connecticut.
“Why would she do that?” asked Cate, who’d just graduated from Boston College. “Brian’s furious with her and so is Dad. Why would she be stirring up all this trouble on purpose? That’s not Carly. Besides, you know how much she loves Brian. She’d never want to drive him away.”
Thanks, Cate. Carly heard her father’s car start and was relieved to realize he was leaving for work. Because they’d always been so close, Carly hated that she was upsetting him. As the youngest of the four Holbrook kids, she had loved being her daddy’s little girl. The two most important men in her life were mad at her. She knew it was because they loved her so much and were frightened by her withdrawal from life, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier.
Her mother came into the room and opened the drapes. “I drew you a bubble bath.”
Carly winced from the sudden onset of light but didn’t resist when her mother pulled back the covers, tugged her out of bed, led her into the bathroom, and undressed her like she would a baby. Carly slipped into the tub and let the fragrant bubbles envelop her in their warmth.
As she worked the shampoo through Carly’s long curls, her mother said, “Here’s how this is going to go. You can have as much time as you need to get past what’s happened, but you’re going to get up every day, you’re going to bathe, you’re going to eat, and you’re going to help out around here. Your father’s right. This has gone on long enough. I know you’re terribly sad. We all are, but enough is enough, Carly. Do you understand me?”
With tears rolling down her cheeks, Carly replied with a small nod.
Carol wiped away her daughter’s tears. “Brian called to check on you.”
Carly looked up at her mother to see if it was true.
“He loves you very much, but of course you know that. He told me you two got engaged the night of the accident. You never even got a chance to tell us, did you? You probably thought we’d be upset to see you getting married so young, right? Well, we probably would’ve been, but now…” As Carol rinsed Carly’s hair she brushed at her own tears. “Don’t you want to marry Brian and go to Michigan the way you planned? Isn’t that what you want, honey?”
Again, Carly nodded.
“Then you have to talk to us. All those feelings you’ve got locked inside must be eating you up. You’ll feel so much better if you let them out.” She grasped Carly’s chin, forcing her to make eye contact. “Will you try? Please?”
Carly opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
Carol kissed her cheek. “That’s okay, love. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
Carly’s mother invited Brian to their annual Fourth of July cookout. For days before the holiday, Carly was on pins and needles while she waited to see if he would come. She hadn’t seen him in two weeks, the longest they’d ever gone without seeing each other in more than four years of dating. Every day without him had felt like a year to her.
On the morning of the Fourth, she spent extra time getting ready. She wore the white shorts she knew he loved and a red halter that made her feel sexy. For the first time since the accident, she felt a spark of interest in something and hoped that maybe she was finally beginning to recover.
Standing in front of the mirror, she was shocked by her pale face. Her once-vibrant brown eyes were now flat and sunken into her face.
Seeing herself looking so sickly spurred her to try to speak. Just one word, she thought. Come on, no one will hear. When nothing happened, she cleared her throat and tried again. Nothing. I’m not doing it on purpose. She was startled to realize it was true. Until that moment, she hadn’t been entirely sure. I want to talk, but I can’t. I don’t know why.
Still absorbing the discovery she’d made in the bathroom, she spent the rest of the morning helping her mother in the kitchen. Her sisters were in and out with their friends, and her brother Craig was home from Boston with his wife Allison. The house was a beehive of activity, and for once Carly’s father seemed to be relaxed. Perhaps he’d decided to take the day off from ranting.
Carly put the finishing touches on a huge bowl of potato salad and handed it to her mother.
With a grateful smile, Carol took the bowl from her and covered it with foil. “Thanks for the help, honey.” In years past, Carly would have sp
ent the morning at the lake with Brian and their friends, returning home just in time to eat.
By one o’clock, the preparations were done, so Carly wandered onto the front porch. The day was thick with humidity, and the electric wires that lined South Road buzzed in the heat. Across the street, the Durhams arrived home from the parade downtown and unloaded chairs and a cooler from the back of their van. Little David Durham, who Carly had babysat for years, waved to her. She waved back, wishing he’d wander over to see her the way he used to. But he turned away and followed his parents inside. Overwhelmed with sadness, Carly suspected he was afraid of her because she didn’t talk anymore.
Her mother had invited Brian for one thirty, but he’d been noncommittal. By the time one forty-five rolled around, Carly was convinced he wasn’t coming. The smoke from the barbeque wafted over the house, bringing with it the sounds of laughter and chatter from the backyard. As she got up to go inside, he appeared at the gate, looking hesitant and adorable. Her heart beating fast with excitement, Carly went down the stairs to open the gate for him.
With relief and maybe even joy in his eyes, he cradled her face in his hands and kissed her.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and fell into the kiss with the first bit of exuberance she’d felt since the accident.
Apparently, he felt it, too. “Carly,” he whispered. “I’ve missed you so much.” He kissed her more greedily the second time, as if he was afraid he wouldn’t get another chance. “I’m sorry about what I said the last time I was here. I was frustrated.”
She let him know she understood the only way she could, by reaching up to kiss him again.
“I can still see everything you feel in your eyes,” he whispered against her lips. “That hasn’t changed.” They held each other for a long time, until Carly’s mother came to the door.
“Oh, hi, Brian,” Carol said with a smile. “I’m sorry, don’t let me interrupt. You two take your time, and come on back when you’re ready for something to eat.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Holbrook.” After her mother had left them alone, he smiled down at Carly. “Other things sure have changed, though, huh?”
She rewarded him with the first genuine smile she had given anyone since they left the willow tree and their innocence behind.
In the backyard, picnic tables were covered with festive red-and-white-checkered tablecloths. Caren and Cate played croquet while Craig helped their father at the grill. Carly’s sister-in-law Allison reclined on a lounge chair with a hand resting on her pregnant belly. Her first child was due in October.
“Craig, get Brian a drink, will you please?” Carol called to her son.
“Thanks,” Brian said.
Craig pulled an icy can from the cooler. “Nice to see you, Brian.” They shook hands. “I’ve been thinking about you. How’re you doing?”
“Hanging in. How about you?”
“Can’t complain.” Craig glanced over at his wife and smiled. “I’m enjoying my last few months of relative freedom.”
“How’s the job at the law firm, Brian?” Steve Holbrook asked as he tended to the grill.
“Not bad. It’s boring sometimes, but it’s nice to have the chance to be in that environment and to see what goes on.”
Carly hung on his every word, wanting to know everything he’d been up to since she last saw him.
“After a few months of delivering mail and fetching coffee for the partners, you’ll be wondering why you ever wanted to be an ambulance chaser,” Steve joked.
Brian smiled. “They haven’t ruined it for me quite yet.”
Carol chuckled and asked Carly to help her bring out the rest of the food.
She followed her mother inside and began taking covered bowls out of the refrigerator. Carly had made multiple trips to the picnic table by the time her father announced that the food on the grill was ready.
“Someone bring me a plate!” Steve called. “Hurry!”
Carol handed the platter to Carly, and she rushed outside with it. As she approached the stone patio, her father flipped a rack of ribs. The grease falling into the fire below caused the flames to flare up with a great roar.
Carly dropped the platter, and it shattered on the patio. Unable to tear her eyes off the licking flames, she began to tremble.
Brian rushed over to lead her away from the fire. “It’s okay, baby.” He sat with her in the shade and held her tight against him. “I’ve got you.”
Chapter 5
The rest of the family hovered around Brian and Carly until Carol shooed them away. “Craig and Caren, please clean up the patio.” After the others had stepped back, Carol squatted next to Carly. “Everything’s all right, honey,” she said in a soothing voice. “Everyone’s safe.”
Brian brushed his hand over Carly’s curls and held her until the trembling subsided.
Carly was mortified that she had upset everyone and furious with herself for allowing a grill to resurrect memories she had worked so hard to push to the back of her mind. She’d been having the fire dream less and less often and had begun to think she might be getting past her fear. Now she knew that wasn’t the case.
“Are you okay?” Brian asked, his face soft with concern and love.
With a small nod and a forced smile, she let him help her up. She hated that he was so worried about her. He’d lost his brother. She should be helping him through that, not giving him more cause for concern. Getting up, she brushed the grass off her shorts and took a seat at the picnic table.
Everyone else sat down and dug in.
Still feeling shaky, Carly pushed the food around on her plate while the others ate in subdued silence. She looked up to find her parents watching her with concern written all over faces that she could now see had aged since she had last looked closely. That, too, was her fault.
Brian reached for her hand under the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
Carly noticed Caren glaring at her from across the table.
“What’s wrong, Caren?” their mother asked.
“Nothing.”
“Clearly, something’s on your mind,” Carol said. “Why don’t you spit it out so we can get back to enjoying our day?”
“Is that what we’re doing? Enjoying our day?”
“Caren,” Steve warned.
“It’s okay for you to go on and on every day about what she’s doing to our family?” Caren shot back at her father. “I thought maybe we’d get one day off from Carly and her problems, but I guess that’s not going to happen.”
“The fire scared her,” Brian said in Carly’s defense.
“Everything scares her!” Caren pushed her plate aside and stood. “I’m so sick and tired of having to tiptoe around her like she’s made of glass and might break. No one in our family died! Why are we acting like someone did?” To Carly, she added, “Brian lost his brother, but you don’t see him going around like the walking dead, wanting everyone to fall all over him.”
“That’s enough, Caren,” Carol said in a tone that left no room for argument.
Carly got up and went inside. Before the screen door slammed closed behind her, she heard Craig say, “Way to go, Caren.”
“Shut up, Craig! You don’t live here. You don’t know what it’s been like.”
Carly heard Brian following her as she went up to her room.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he reached for her hand.
She propped her chin on her knees.
“Don’t worry about Caren. She was blowing off steam.”
From out in the street, the whir of bottle rockets filled the air, reminding Carly of another Fourth of July years earlier when Pete had shot off rockets at the lake.
“Remember Pete and the firecrackers?”
Carly’s eyes widened with surprise as she nodded. She had forgotten how often they’d had the same thoughts.
Brian got up, went over to her desk, and picked up a pad. He grabbed a pen and returned to the bed. He plopped the pad down in front of
her and held out the pen. “Talk to me.”
She took the pen. Nibbling on the cap, she studied his handsome face. Usually by the beginning of July his skin was tanned to golden brown, but not this year. Leaning over the pad, she wrote the one thing she had missed saying to him the most: “Carly Holbrook loves Brian Westbury.” She drew a heart around the words like she had for years on every notebook she owned.
He smiled. “Now tell me something I don’t know.”
She wrote, “I’m not doing this on purpose. I want to talk, but I can’t.”
“I know that, too, honey. I never thought for a minute that you were doing it on purpose.”
“But you’ve been mad at me.”
He shook his head. “I’m mad at life lately.”
“Me, too.”
He held her gaze for a long moment. “There’s a new lead in the accident investigation.”
Carly raised her eyebrows.
He told her about the man he had seen in the road a couple of months before the accident and how he had forgotten about it. “My dad started looking into it and found that two other drivers reported seeing someone lurking on the side of Tucker Road. He hasn’t found anyone who saw him the night of the accident, but he’s still digging around. I told my dad Sam never drove the way they said he must’ve been driving before the wreck.”
“That’s bothered me, too,” Carly wrote. “I hope your dad can find a way to clear Sam’s name.”
“People in town are talking about us grasping at straws to clear Sam. They’re saying my dad is abusing his position.”
Carly shook her head.
“If there’s a chance, even the slightest chance, it wasn’t Sam’s fault, don’t we have to do all we can to get to the truth?”
“Of course you do,” she wrote. “Don’t worry about what anyone says.”
