He had no idea Walsh had lost someone during the terrorist attacks. Then again everyone had lost something that day. “I’m sorry, Walsh.”
“I’m not about to live in the past. It’s time for you to do the same.”
Jacob frowned and studied the coffee growing cold in his cup. His stomach twisted.
“Tell me what happened that day.”
“I thought you told me to stop living in the past.”
“Boy, I will end you.”
Jacob half-grinned, but quickly lost it. He’d told Lee about his dad. The death of his partner. He’d never told him how Jonathan had died, and it sucked that he’d never be able to tell him the truth under penalty of treason for sharing classified information with a civilian.
But, he’d be able to tell his SAC. TREX to TREX.
The time had come. He drew a deep, preparatory breath. “It was a pretty normal day. Raining, of course. What else does it do in April around here? We were on loan to the SBI to help them hunt down a serial killer responsible for the deaths of eight people.”
“You ain’t told me anything I haven’t already read. Fast forward to the part redacted from the report.”
He slid his eyes closed, thinking back to that day. As it played out in his head like the worst horror movie, he gave the narrative. “We tracked him down to one of the piers under construction. Granger and I took the north. That’s when I saw his car. Jonathan was a city inspector and must have been there for work.” He shook his head. “I don’t know for sure. I guess I’ll never know why he was really there. Only that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” After a shaky breath, he whispered, “The absolute wrong time.”
With a deep breath, he continued. “Being right on the water, the fog was pretty thick, making it impossible to have a clear view. I couldn’t stand not knowing where he was. He could be in danger. That psycho could use him as a human shield. I had to find him before it was too late. I had to save him. I turned off my com link to listen for anything that was off. I caught movement. It was our target. Since I couldn’t find Jonathan, I could at least save him by taking out the threat.”
He squeezed his eyes shut as the pain from the memory surfaced, attacking his control. “The fog was so thick, and it just kept rolling in. The target came into view. I had the shot. One shot and it would all be over. I’d bring closure to all those families he destroyed. I centered him in my crosshairs. He must have caught wind of me and raised his gun, but I got off the first shot. With an easy breath, I gently tapped the trigger. The man flinched, firing off a round. I barely heard Granger shout that he’d been hit. I was too focused on the target as he dropped. That’s when I saw the body behind him. The one I hadn’t seen or I would have never taken the shot.”
He angrily wiped at his cheeks as the pain spilled over, too much to hold in. His throat closed off. He covered his mouth to stop himself from sobbing, holding his breath until the urge passed. It didn’t work as a soul-shattering sob tore through him, shredding his control.
And he lost it.
Sob after sob detonated like a demolition of emotions, one after another. He couldn’t stop them, couldn’t stop the pain as his entire world collapsed. He held his head in his hands, his fingers in his hair, and bawled like a baby. It was the first time he’d cried like this since holding Jonathan’s lifeless body in his arms as the rain came down, punishing him for what he’d done.
He’d been punishing himself ever since.
“I thought it was his screams I heard every night. But, they weren’t his at all. They were mine.” Only after he fell silent, his tears dry, his body numb, did Jacob speak again. “I failed Jonathan. It was my job to protect him, and I failed in the worst possible way. I’m terrified I’m going to fail Lee, too. What if I’m not there next time? What if Sergio gets the drop on me? Who’ll protect Lee then?”
“He’s been taking classes,” Walsh mused, drawing a weary smile from Jacob. “You gotta stop taking on everyone else’s burdens, son. You gotta stop thinking it’s on you to keep this world safe. You can only do what you can do. The rest, you gotta have faith it’ll work itself out.”
He sighed, exhausted from the release. “That sounds like it belongs on an inspirational sign.”
“Got it hanging in my room.” He grinned. “Now, how about we get a little shuteye before the shit hits the fan?”
“Yeah, okay.” He had no intention of sleeping, not until he knew Lee was safe. Maybe if he climbed into the bed next to him, held him close if only for this one last time, he’d find peace enough to sleep. He stood and turned toward the kitchen door, freezing when he caught Lee standing there, tears shining in his eyes.
Ah, shit. No doubt he’d witnessed Jacob’s complete breakdown, if not visibly, he had to have heard it. The man had a habit of listening in at doors.
And then he saw it. Despite Lee’s attempt to hide it, Jacob recognized that fear in his eyes. Jesus and Christ. Of all the people in the world Jacob desperately needed to believe in him right now, Lee stood out above all others. Yet, as their gazes locked, Jacob had never felt such a void rip between them.
His entire body flooded with regret. The lump on Lee’s beautiful head. The bandage on his arm. He did this to him. He should have never agreed to stay in the city. If they’d gone back to the Farm instead of staying in Lee’s condo, they’d be plotting their revenge on Evan’s hitters, not recovering from their own attack.
When Jacob took a step toward him, Lee jumped back. He stilled, the realization too much to take. Lee was scared of him. The man he was quickly growing to love, the man who restored his belief that there might still be some good left in the world, feared him.
He was done. Broken. The last piece had fallen. He’d lost Lee’s faith. It was too much to take.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, barely able to do that. Grief shattered his heart as his future slipped away. No one wanted a broken man.
“So am I.”
“Now you understand why I can’t be trusted.”
“No,” he fired back. “I don’t understand why you think I don’t trust you.”
“I scare you!” he shouted harshly, barking louder than he wanted.
Lee jumped again. But then he did something Jacob hadn’t expected. He barked back. “Yes, when you snap like that, you’re pretty damn scary. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. Because I do, Jacob. Despite every stupid thing you’ve done to push me away, despite the fact you were hired to kill me, I trust you with my life.”
“I wouldn’t advise that. You heard what I did.”
“You were trying to protect him. You did everything you could.”
“I still failed.” He curled his lip, disgusted with himself. The shrinks all told him his blind need to protect those close to him would eventually take him down. Looks like they were right.
“The only thing you failed at is forgiving yourself.”
He didn’t need anyone’s forgiveness, including his own. What he did was unforgivable. “Don’t patronize me. I see it in your eyes. You don’t trust me. Admit it. Let’s not make this any harder than it already is.”
“Then how about you shut up for once instead of letting doubt run your mouth.”
His mouth fell open, insulted.
“God, you are such a pigheaded ass sometimes. You drive me crazy with the way you immediately jump to the absolute worst conclusion. Haven’t you ever heard of having a little faith?”
Jacob caught Walsh nodding and glared at him before returning his attention to Lee. “No.”
“It’s only on just about every inspirational sign out there.”
“You know how I feel about inspirational signs,” he fired back.
Lee stepped toward him, his angry glare riveted to Jacob, his square jaw set in determination. “You’ve been using bullshit excuses to push me away since the day we got back together.”
Got back together. Those words registered with Jacob, and he couldn’t understand why. They weren�
�t together before.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know exactly what I’m talking about,” Lee countered and took another step. The storm brewing in his eyes settled in, and Jacob knew he wouldn’t back down, not from this imminent fight. Hell, he never backed down from any of their fights.
It was one of the many million things he loved about the man. He didn’t take any of Jacob’s shit. He challenged it, forced him to challenge himself.
Jacob folded his arms in front of him and widened his stance, ready to take him on. This time, he wouldn’t back down, either. He wouldn’t run away. This time, he wouldn’t concede and let Lee have the last word.
“I stand by my original take on you.” Lee took another step.
Jacob took a step toward him. “And that is?”
“You’re a bully, Jacob Burns.”
“Am I, now? How am I a bully?”
“The definition of a bully is someone who uses superior power to intimidate others. That’s exactly what you do.”
Jacob took the final step to bring them face-to-face. With Lee being a good four inches taller, he had to crane his neck to nail him with his heated gaze. “Do I intimidate you, Lee?”
“No.”
“You sure about that?”
“I, uh, think I hear someone calling me.” Walsh opened the back kitchen door and disappeared.
Jacob never broke eye contact with Lee as the air crackled around them.
“You need someone who stands up to you.” Lee licked his lips as a glimmer sparked to life in his wicked gaze. “All bullies do.”
“What happens then?”
“As with any bully, they tend to run away. You’ve had a lot of practice at that.”
Ouch. He hit below the belt with that one. “I’m not running now.”
“For how long?”
Another hit. This man wasn’t holding back. “I’m through running.”
“Is that so?”
Jacob caught the spark of amusement in Lee’s striking eyes. Damn him. He was enjoying this way, way too much. “Yes.”
“Good. I was getting tired of chasing you.” With that, Lee spun and left the kitchen.
It took a few seconds for Jacob to recover before he went after him. They were in his bedroom, door closed, before they started in on round two.
“You were never chasing me.”
“Wasn’t I?” Lee sat on the bed, scooted to the headboard to support his back, and grabbed the newspaper next to him. Where’d he get that? He adjusted his glasses and held up the paper, settling his focus.
“No,” Jacob growled, irritated he decided now of all times to check the stock prices. He sat at the foot of the bed.
“Fine. I guess I wasn’t.” He opened to another page and folded the paper in half to support it. “I mean, God forbid you’d actually be wrong about something.” He glanced at him over his glasses. “Since you’re right about everything.”
“I’m not right about everything.” It had to be a trap. It felt like a trap. Lee was wicked smart, smarter than Jacob could ever imagine being. He wouldn’t put it past the man to trick him into saying something he didn’t mean to say, or admit to something he’d been adamant at denying.
“What?” He set the paper next to him. “You mean you might actually be wrong?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“So which is it? Are you right about everything? Or could you actually be wrong about something? I’m confused.”
Definitely a trap. His frustration mounted. “Quit twisting my damn words.”
“I’m sorry.” He flattened his hand on his chest. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” He grabbed the paper and readjusted his glasses. “No way could you possibly be wrong about that.”
“Lee!”
“Yes?”
He jerked the paper from his hands. “Are you trying to piss me off?”
“Nope.” He got the paper back in a swift lift. Flipping it to the other side, he brought it up. “You definitely don’t need any help in that department.”
Jacob shot to his feet and thrust his hand through his hair. He debated how to play this. Lee was calm—way too calm—for his taste. He didn’t like it. Didn’t trust it. No one was ever this composed during a fight. It was the proverbial calm before the storm. That meant Jacob had to keep his cool, which, to date, hadn’t really been one of his strong suits.
He could lose his temper like he always did, scare Lee into blurting out something that would make them both regret their life choices while promising to never let it get that escalated again. That had worked for them so far.
“When you’re ready to talk,” Lee went on, his attention on the damn paper. “I’m ready to listen.”
“Why do I need to repeat myself? You already heard everything when you had your ear to the door. Back at your place and just now.” As soon as he said it, he wanted to take it back. Lee lowered the paper slowly, so slowly, and dropped his jaw. The disbelief swirling in his eyes attacked Jacob’s senses. He then, just as calculated, shook his head, dismissing whatever comment he had at the ready, and went back to the paper.
And then he saw it. The tremble in his jaw. The labor in his breathing. The emotions shining in his eyes. He sniffed quickly and readjusted his glasses. “It really sucks that I get more from a door than I do from you.”
Jacob dropped to the foot of the bed, his strength gone. Nothing he said ever came out right. He’d never get any better at this if he didn’t at least try. “What is it you want?”
“Honesty. Openness. If you can’t talk to me, if we can’t talk to each other, we have nothing. I already know you were sent to kill me.” He adjusted his glasses. “Thank you for backing out on that, by the way.”
His thanks sounded genuine, yet something in his tone gave Jacob pause. He didn’t know whether to believe him or go on the defensive. Nothing Lee did ever seemed straight-forward. He was too smart to show his hand. “Look, sweetheart. There’s going to be things I can’t talk to you about. You know, work-related stuff.”
“Ditto. We don’t need to talk about work.” He shot him a look over the paper. “We just need to talk.”
“You say that now, but when you realize all the baggage that comes with me…” He couldn’t bring himself to go on.
“Good thing I have a big closet.”
Jacob frowned. “Huh?”
He set the paper aside. “You’re still running.”
“No, I’m not.” He just wasn’t, damn it. He ran to the fight, not from it.
“Okay, you’re not.” He reached for the paper.
Jacob grabbed it, holding it out of reach. “Stop agreeing with me.”
“Stop pushing me away,” he countered, almost viciously. Jacob shrank back. “Stop using what happened to Jonathan as your twisted justification to not allow yourself to be happy with me.” His chin quivered again. “Stop trying to find reasons for me not to be happy with you.” He broke and buried his face in his hands. “Just stop. Please, Jacob. Just stop.”
Ah, Jesus. Jacob couldn’t stand to see Lee like this and immediately went to him, pulling him into his arms, his fight gone. He knew what Lee needed to hear. Jacob needed to believe it just as badly. With nothing left to lose, he finally confessed his greatest fear, the fear that had been driving him since he was a kid taking care of the rest of his siblings. “I’ll never be enough for you. You deserve so much more than what I am.”
Lee held him tighter. “I refuse to agree with you on that one.”
“I’m serious.”
He pushed away to nail him with tear-soaked eyes. “So am I. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are so enough I don’t even know if I can compare. That’s how enough you are to me.”
He’d never heard it quite like that, but he definitely liked it. Loved it, in fact. “That’s how enough you are to me.”
They smiled at each other as a peace sett
led between them. The last of the walls had fallen. He didn’t know how it happened, or even how much sense it made. He just knew.
Lee grabbed the paper and went back to reading it, this time upside down. Was he ever really reading it? “If I ever, ever hear you say you’re not enough again, I will take you over my knee.”
Jacob sat back. “Did you just threaten to spank me?”
“I have a wicked swing.”
“And smile.” He tossed the paper aside and crawled up the length of the bed, covering Lee with his body. “And sense of humor. And fierce pride. It’s one of the many things that drives me crazy about you, Leland Lamont.”
Lee rested their lips together and whispered, “What are you saying?”
“I’m falling for you,” he whispered back. “I’m falling hard.”
“Is that so?” Lee thrust his fingers through Jacob’s hair. “How about you show me exactly how hard.”
21
Lee searched the fridge for something to munch on. After a spirited session of make-up sex, he and Jacob had spent the rest of the day talking about anything and everything. They’d laughed, cried—mostly Lee, since he’d been known to cry over inspirational posts on social media—and laughed more. It was the most connected they’d ever been. The past week had brought them closer together. Today had bonded them.
Now he was starving.
He couldn’t sleep, which didn’t surprise him. He’d slept for hours, courtesy of the nifty concoction of drugs the cute doctor had given him. Now he just needed a little snack to fill the hollow feeling he had gnawing at him.
“What are you doing?”
Lee jerked back and bumped his head on the door handle of the freezer. He closed the refrigerator as he turned to see the tiny teen with enormous chocolate eyes watching him. He crossed his arms as part of his stern stance, a frown twisting his expression.
Jacob Page 19
